Disclaimer: Characters are copyright to Square Enix, not me.

Warning: Rated T for language (Saïx has a potty mouth).

COOKING MAMA

4: Aces and Eights

The thing about chakrams is that they're not light. A chakram is a metallic web of pain, not only for its unfortunate target, but its wielder too. I mean, they're heavy. They're an awkward set of weapons. Two giant wheels can't possibly be lifted by a skinny five year old.

"Mama, you lied!" The skinny five year old lifts them, even spinning one idly round a finger. The weapons have shrunk in size to suit him. In retrospect, I will realise that this influence is proof that Axel is still a Nobody, but right now, I'm thinking something else.

Can anyone say fucked?

Axel flashes a smile. "You said only adults could do it. Look at these, they're so cool! What are they? They're mine, right? What does everyone else have?" He gasps, jumping up and down and clapping a hand over his mouth. "Oh! What does Xemnas have? What about Demyx? I bet their ones aren't as cool as these. Now I'll be able to fight off Xaldin if he attacks me again, and protect myself from those monsters."

Monsters?

Look, forget it and just think, Saïx. Ignore the swaying chakram, think.

Situation: an equipped and mischievous child, who isn't aware of the threat he poses and can't actually be disarmed. Or killed without consequence.

Solution: lock him away and worry about him later. Fuck yes.

"That's a great idea, Axel." I snap my diary shut, getting up. "Xemnas is going to be very envious of you. Let's go see him. I can't wait to see his face."

My voice is as monotonous as ever and still, Axel is convinced. Seriously, are all children this thick?

"Let's go see him now!" His chakrams whirr round and disappear (sans fire, I note – he hasn't discovered that at least). He grabs my sleeve. "I think he's going to cry, don't you?"

"Yes."

"I think he's going to be so jealous, don't you?"

"Yes."

We leave the office, saunter round the corner, walk for a bit. Axel's so absorbed in his gleeful talk that he doesn't realise we've arrived at his bedroom. I seize him by the back of his collar and throw him inside, slamming the door shut and locking it.

"Hey! Mama, let me out…! You said we were going—"

"Just go to sleep!" I shout. I lean against the door and let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding.

"Let me out, let me out!"

I've sown a few seeds of hatred and trouble that I know I'll reap later. For now, though, I can rest easy without the fear of being sliced open by a chakram.

Let the shit hit the fan in one swift blow, I don't mind.

I'll worry about it later.

-x-

I don't sleep well that night. Can you expect me to? I'm too busy having visions of unruly children let loose with dangerous weapons and the destruction they leave in their wake. The tomahawk wielding baby is particularly frightening.

I wake up to some distant voices. My surroundings are blurry, but I can make out my desk and unfinished report. My neck aches when I straighten. A pen has stuck itself to my cheek.

I fell asleep in my office?

I never fall asleep in my office…

"…Time?" I manage, rubbing my eyes. A searing pain shoots down my body as I sit up, most likely from the awkward way I slept. I look over my desk to locate the source of the murmuring. A second later, I groan. "Eurgh, not you."

Zexion gives me a surly look, his visible eye glowing with an impressive amount of malice. He's cross legged on the floor, playing with Lexaeus. They have some toy bricks between them, and Lexaeus appears to be building a tower while Zexion passes him the next brick.

"Six!" Lexaeus exclaims as he builds. "Seven! At!"

I don't know what's more painful: Lexaeus' voice or Zexion's stare. Either way, this isn't my idea of a good start to the morning. Why are they in my office to begin with? Did I ever give permission for the brats to convert my personal space – the only place I can stay sane – into a fricking nursery?

No, really, it is. Because when I stand up to make for the door, there's not an inch of the floor that's spared. A riot of confusion and brightness, from toy trucks to a cuddly zebra doll. There's scattered paper with pictures in every colour but orange; there's a children's tennis racket set propped against the wall with the ball missing. Heck, there's even a mini drawing table by the door, made from tacky red plastic. I nearly stack it because of a pile of colouring pencils rolling around. I stay on two feet by grabbing the doorknob, and due to this moment of disorientation, I find myself staring up at the stark white ceiling. How the flying fuck a crayon managed to mark the ceiling, I don't know.

"Nine! Ten! Ee…" Lexaeus pauses, confused. Then, he screams, "GAH!" Out comes an arm to swipe down the brick tower. It explodes in a flurry of colour, like a party popper. One of the blocks strikes me in the shin.

"Eleven, Lex," Zexion coaxes, ignoring me nursing my leg. "Why do you always do that?"

Zexion sounds exasperated, but happily so. In fact, when I turn to glare at him, I notice how content Zexion is with Lexaeus. I'm reminded of their adult selves (since it's common knowledge that only Lexaeus is exempt from Number Six's endless scorn), and am unsurprised that this closeness (read: conceit) continues on in their child forms.

"Time?" I say again. "And where have all these toys come from?" I bark, quite offended by the zebra doll in particular. "Get them out of my office."

"We've been awake for hours," Zexion answers. Lexaeus starts to rebuild his tower (I make a mental note to escape before he stacks the eleventh block). "It's nearly ten. I have had to babysit the others because you were too busy snoozing."

He scowls, and I'm only too glad to return the favour. "If you're that offended about having to babysit, you could have woken me up."

"That would have rather disturbed the peace, wouldn't it?" His reply is swift and brutal, arrogant and of course, correct. There is no limit to how much you can abhor Zexion. Trust me, I know.

I yank my door open and lo and behold, here comes another one. "Mama!" Xemnas races over faster than Xigbar can shoot. His hood flails behind him. Hair dishevelled, food stains round his mouth and having immense difficulty running in a straight line, he collides against my legs and I woefully note that never have I seen the Superior so graceless and downright embarrassing. (And that includes the time I walked in on him changing, when his coat zip was stuck and I had to cut some of his hair to free him.)

Xemnas looks up and speaks those fatal words. "Mama, look what I can do!"

I respond quicker this time. Oh yes I do. I summon a portal, lift him up by the waist and take him to his bedroom.

"Watch, okay?" says Xemnas, apparently unaffected by the fact that he's now parallel to the floor.

"Get in, shut up, and don't you dare summon those blades or so help me I will dangle you from the castle roof by your hair!" I slam the door shut before I can register his look of surprise.

Two down.

Why are their weapons materialising all of a sudden?

How long before Zexion and Lexaeus join the crew?

How long before I wake up and discover a chakram embedded in my skull?

Without much warning, I fall into a miserable state of mind. Don't get me wrong, I can handle any situation that gets given to me. I'm dependable, the one to rely on. It's just…strange, I suppose, to be doing my assigned missions without having anyone to report back to. I don't know if I'm doing it right or being efficient enough or working towards the desired goal.

Is it always so uncertain and undefined when you're at the top of the food chain?

There's me on one hand, who knows where he stands so long as he has his boss. On the other, there's Xemnas, who would truly be nothing were it not for the rest of us.

In any case, my sudden dip in mood stems from my thoughts about him. Not a full on, "I miss you Superior, come back now," but more a grudging acknowledgement that I have no hold or place in the Organisation, unless he's there in the head seat.

I hear child Xemnas banging on the locked door, calling my 'name'; absently, I think about where the real Xemnas could be right now, if he isn't laughing from behind his child façade. I don't get too far with my thoughts, because someone is tutting behind me.

Zexion appears to have found me. No doubt he walked all the way here. He eyes Xemnas' door, lifts an eyebrow at the muffled sobs and stares up at me. He's holding hands with a happy Lexaeus, giving a great impression of a pair of brothers with not a thimbleful of niceness between them. I'm quite disappointed that Lexaeus has turned to the dark side so soon.

"I almost forgot," Zexion says, in the voice of someone who hasn't forgotten, simply prefers to draw out the torture. "Vexen asked me to tell you, 'Oh, and Lexaeus too'. Whatever that means," he mutters with a roll of his eyes. "More oppressive nonsense, I'm sure."

"Right," I grumble. I recall Vexen passed on a note yesterday. It's probable Xemnas drew on that too. "Anything else? You look like you want to say some more."

In all honesty, Zexion has a smile that suggests someone is about to feel the pain of a thousand knives. Namely, me. "Axel was crying this morning," he says, "all locked up in his room. I let him out."

-x-

Like how a moth is drawn to light and consequently its inevitable doom, so am I pulled along to the ominous echo of Axel's laughter. It's the sort of sound you'd associate with horror, a high pitched cackle that'd fit right in at Halloween Town.

So I thought my nursery – I mean, office – was bad. It's nothing compared to the Grey Area. That's where Axel is, and in the middle of a football goal (comprised of two upended sofas) is Demyx.

"C'mon Axel, that was a lousy shot!"

Axel has a new football – bright red with a smiley face. There's also hundreds of dirt marks on the wall behind Demyx, and there's even a score chart taped up.

The bastards! Tape on the window is a big no-no. It's damaging and more importantly, this is the Grey Area. It's not a recreational room, most certainly not an indoor football pitch—

"Hey Saïx, good morning!" cries Demyx. Axel scores and cheers. At the mention of my name, he pulls a face and skulks over to stand behind his precious Number Nine.

"Demyx, what are you doing?" I hiss, and pull his head close to mine so that Axel cannot hear. "He's armed and dangerous. Why are you playing with him? You went out and bought these toys, didn't you? It's got dopey Demyx written all over it. I thought I had assigned you with Agrabah recon?"

Demyx looks unabashed. "I was looking after the kids because you hadn't woken up yet. They're all really happy and well behaved."

"Yeah, Demyx makes us happy," Axel chimes in. "Not like you."

"Besides, I've already done my recon," Demyx continues, so cheerful that I'm ready to throw up. "I left my report on your desk. Y-you didn't see it?"

Okay, suddenly Demyx is a much more pressing matter than Axel and his chakrams. That smug neophyte smile has to go.

"You're all done?"

"Yep! On your desk, as I said. Took me about two hours?"

He rocks on his heels, but my glare kills that innocent movement. "You completed a mission in two hours? A mission that would take a professional like Xaldin five whole days?"

He squirms, scratching his head. "Well…I guess I could improve. Rushed it a little, you know? And my report…er, maybe format it to be more presentable? I'll do that."

He's a lost cause. Even baby Lexaeus would bring better results.

"I suggest you get onto it, Nine," I tell him, if only to make him go away, and point to Axel. "As for this brat, he's done nothing to merit so many toys. Return them, tidy up the Area and for goodness sake, never play football in here again. Put Axel in his room, lock it and get on with what you've really been assigned."

"Or else what?" Axel challenges.

Say hello to Mama Saïx. By now, I'm sure you have realised that I have no power over the Organisation as Saïx the Luna Diviner. My claymore is rendered useless and ordinary, my temper now a joke, my authority gone with the Superior. But as Mama…well, that gives me some cards to play.

"Or else no dinner!"

Ha ha! Take that, you fuckers! They look distraught. They're cornered, after all.

"Right, right." Demyx relents, looking miserable. "Sorry, Axel buddy, but Saïx has the last word."

I relish the sight of Axel sniffing and stomping his feet. Then, I summon a portal and head to my next destination – Vexen's laboratory. I can't expect any cooperation from Vexen unless I bring him what he wants. Therefore, I'm armed with his requested reports and the week preceding them for back up.

And it's still not enough to merit a nice greeting.

"Ahem! What time do you call this, Seven?" Vexen storms over and snatches the files from me. "I was always under the impression that you had impeccable timing."

"I overslept," I reply. "Do you have any idea how stressful it is to look after four children?"

"No idea," says Vexen. "I thought that was the point. Now. These are the reports I requested of you, correct?"

"Yes. Axel's is that one, Lexaeus' is the other. The Superior doesn't keep a diary, so I can't tell you what he was up to the day before he drank the shake."

"I did ask you to find out," says Vexen pointedly. "It's imperative that you do, as you will find out shortly. Let's look over Lexaeus' first."

Lexaeus (23/5)

Zexion and I travelled to Twilight Town today. Zexion had picked up on the scent of a strong Nobody, and we intended to investigate. However, before we knew it, the Nobody had moved on. I'm still surprised that Zexion lost track of a scent. I wonder if he did it on purpose. In any case, our day proved fruitless, and we wandered around Sunset Terrace instead.

I'm appalled at the casual tone of Lexaeus' report, and how fearless he is in submitting a diary entry that basically says, "We had a lazy day and dossed around."

"Interesting, isn't it?" Vexen mistakes my contorted face as an expression of intrigue. "For one thing, that Zexion has been thwarted by a Nobody's scent is a first. That's beside the point, though. I actually want to draw your attention to how they spent their day. Quite average, wouldn't you say? Going out together, not really concentrating on the mission at hand nor going into a battle, just enjoying one another's company in a normal world."

Vexen slumps into his chair and starts to bash away at a keyboard. "…I want you to take that day and stretch it, so that it embodies six whole years. What do you get?" He doesn't give me time to answer. "You get child Zexion's life story. By interviewing child Zexion, I've narrowed down the influencing segment of adult Zexion's timeline to one day. Namely, the day they drank the shake. Are you following?"

I sit down on a chair diagonal to him. "What they did prior to drinking the shake…that determines their personality and background as a child."

"Exactly. Zexion and Lexaeus are very straightforward. They spent an entire day doing nothing, merely wandering around Twilight Town, a 'normal' environment. This memory warps and becomes a life story that makes sense to them as children. Those two know what a 'normal' environment is. I would assume that that's why Zexion is so opposed to the Organisation. To further my point, note that there is an orphanage at Sunset Terrace, and a clothing store called Maylis."

Vexen opens the second file. For a second, he appears harassed. "If we look at Axel's now, I'm sure there will be a degree of ah…concern."

Axel (23/5)

I was instructed by the powers that be to sort out the Heartless level in TWTNW. I don't really see the point because those shadows can breed faster than I can kill. I actually believe fire is a catalyst for their breeding, and think it's unwise to send me on one of these missions again. Six hours of solid fighting and no visible progress seems a bit pointless. Plus I did it on an empty stomach, and now I feel ill.

I turn to Vexen, mentally stretching Axel's day to encompass his five year long life.

Oh shit.

"Axel spent his day here, in The World That Never Was. This world, along with Five and Six being in Twilight Town, makes the sunlight allergy believable. However, as Axel's reports prove…he, ah…what shall we say…"

"—brought out his weapons, which means that child Axel can do it too?" I finish for him. "A bit slow on the uptake, Vexen. If you actually leave this hole of a laboratory, you'll find that's old news. You could have warned me sooner."

I drop my head into my hands. It all makes sense. Axel spoke of monsters last night – he must have been referring to the Heartless he fought. Axel is used to Organisation procedures, because he has a stretched timeline that includes them; he also has an obsession for food because as an adult, he went starving.

"Since adult Axel spent much of his time alone, I suspect that child Axel is convinced that he grew up homeless, before being adopted by us. This deprived childhood would also explain his constant need for attention. Do you see why it's imperative you find out what the Superior was doing? Particularly with regards to whether he used his weapon or not."

"He didn't," I reply. "Xemnas was having a quiet day. He came over to me for idle chat on many occasions."

Wait, wait.

"Hmm." Vexen settles back in his chair, lifting an eyebrow. "You're calling me slow on the uptake? Seven, that he spoke to you a lot is the very reason why as child Xemnas, he's so attached to you. You made up a lot of the Superior's day and as such, his stretched timeline has so much of you in it that he's registered you as his primary caregiver. As I keep saying, it's important you find out what Xemnas was up to on that day."

He shrugs, starting to type up a report of sorts. (I should note now that Vexen's diary entries are novel-length.) "I know that you're a busy man, but looking into the Superior's day may be worthwhile."

-x-

It's either a flaw in Vexen's theory, or a massive assumption on my part. I'm starting to think it's the latter.

Look, it was a sensible assumption to make. I simply erred on the side of caution. Earlier, when Xemnas said, "Look what I can do," I assumed he was talking about his blades. But that can't be the case if as an adult, he didn't use them and hence, put them into the child's timeline.

Right?

Some time in the afternoon, now that I have spent hours working and mulling over the situation, I unlock Xemnas' bedroom door.

I stick my head round. Needless to say, I have a claymore ready, should circumstances take a turn for the worst. Xemnas doesn't really move, though. He remains outstretched on his bed, snivelling and hiccupping while he hugs a pillow. (Never misses an opportunity to be dramatic, does he, our Xemnas?)

"Xemnas," I start.

He sits up, hair at odd angles and some pasted across his wet face. His eyes are red and swollen, and when he looks at me, he stares like someone who's just been rescued from a nightmare.

"Mama!" he cries, leaping over and hugging me, even though that action has been banned. If only adult Xemnas was this forgiving, I think. "Why did you lock me up? Did I do something bad?"

"Ugh, I just overreacted," I answer. "Stop crying, will you? It embarrasses me just to witness it."

I hold the door open with a foot, wondering how to start. You have to understand that I'm still reeling from Vexen's belated revelation. It's been established that because I spent so much time with the Superior, it made his child counterpart attached to me. That much I can understand. Beyond that, though?

For example, if the Superior thinks of me as just another underling – which I know he does – then why doesn't this show up in child Xemnas' character? Or does this inconsistency imply that Xemnas does actually hold me in higher regard than I think?

In any case, if child Xemnas is a reflection of his adult self, then I should be able to decipher him to give me insight, at least for that one day before drinking the shake.

"You said you wanted to show me something," I say. "Come on, stop crying."

I'm on tenterhooks here – are you? He's vulnerable. Xemnas will unwittingly reveal his secrets. I bet he didn't expect his fooling around with that revitalising shake would lead to this. I will analyse everything child Xemnas comes out with.

Xemnas nods, wiping his eyes with a sleeve. He pulls back from me. "I…I can make my tongue touch my nose."

What.

He does exactly that. He sticks out his tongue and up it curls. He even goes cross eyed.

How the fuck am I supposed to analyse that?

"What? That's…that's gross!"

Xemnas bursts into giggles, taking delight in my disgust. His tears and recollection of being locked up disappear by magic and he skips around, trying to take hold of my hand. Eurgh. "What are you going to do now? Can I come too? I can help make dinner, if you want."

"I'll let you know when I want a disaster, thank you very much. Don't you have colouring to do or something?"

"Yes, of course you can!" he exclaims, pushing past me. "I left it all in the play room. Let's go…!"

"Oy!" I tear after him. (Play room? That's my office!) "I didn't say I want to do colouring. Why don't you tidy up the play room rather than make more mess—?"

I stalk after him, surprised at how quick Xemnas is at walking, despite his height. He runs down Naught's Skyway with an embarrassing "Whee!" and makes a beeline for my office. I'm almost impressed at how he knows his way around, but I suspect that adult Xemnas walked this way before, putting that knowledge into the stretched timeline.

I pass Xaldin in the corridor, and give him a nod in greeting. He's shifting along a white board of some sort. Perhaps a ceiling panel?

"Saïx, just the person," Xaldin says. He waves me over. I don't deviate from my route.

"Can it wait?" I call back to him.

"It's urgent," protests Xaldin. It's not like him to be imploring, but that's definitely a hint of pleading in his voice.

"Well, this is too. Xemnas is about to decimate my office."

Xemnas drags me along, pulling me at such an angle that it's a miracle I don't topple over. I can hear Xaldin calling after me, determined to keep up. The white board screeches as he hauls it. I realise that its corners are rounded, but other than that, I don't have much time to note anything else.

"Hey guys!" Xemnas cries in a startling resemblance to Demyx. He runs into my office and skids across the floor, sliding to sit at that tacky drawing table. Zexion is sat in my desk chair with his feet not even touching the floor, each elbow on an armrest, fingers knitted together. He looks every inch a supervillain in the middle of concocting an evil scheme. Lexaeus is still playing with the toy bricks, biting them now before stacking.

"Three and four!"

"Sit down, Mama, come do colouring," says Xemnas.

Someone taps my shoulder. "Saïx. You really need to look at this." Xaldin doesn't just sound concerned, he looks it too.

"What's the matter?" I ask him. "And what's that? That's not part of the ceiling, is it?"

Xaldin winces, offering me an apprehensive look that makes him appear to say, "Don't scream now."

"Five! Six!"

Let's pause for a moment.

You know that feeling you get in your gut, when there are less steps than you think and your foot comes crashing through the air with a lurch? Or when you spend hours writing an answer to something, finish it and reread the question to find out you've done it completely wrong? It's a nauseating sensation, as if someone's cut a door in you and everything just falls out.

That's the sort of thing I experience as Xaldin turns the board round. Except it's not a board, it's a giant playing card. And plastered on it – in it? – is Xigbar.

I stare. There's nothing I can say. How am I supposed to respond to seeing a two-dimensional Xigbar, frozen in time? He looks like a fly squashed against a window, an eternal look of astonishment on his wrinkled face.

"Seven! At!" cries Lexaeus.

Xemnas gives admiring sigh, propping up his head with a hand. "Ooh. You're such a good drawer, Mr Xaldin!"

"Huh? This isn't a drawing!" Xaldin splutters, and his loud voice jolts me back to the grim reality. "This is Xigbar! He's been turned into a card, a fucking playing card!"

"Are you sure?" Xemnas gets up and walks around to inspect the other side of the card. I don't know what he's expecting to see, but I'm quite inclined to do the same. "How did he get in there? What happens if he can't breathe?"

Xaldin scratches the side of his head. "Luxord lost his temper with us," he murmurs, although I need no explanation. "He very nearly got me too. We need to tackle him another way, Saïx. Either you or Demyx need to do it, and it doesn't take a genius to work out who's the smarter of you both. You have to somehow convince Luxord to join the Organisation and turn Xigbar back to normal. With him out of the picture, that means there's only four of us left – you, me, Vexen and Demyx. We're dropping like flies. How long before the children take over?"

"Who says we haven't already started?" Zexion quips flatly. "Can I keep that, by the way?" He points to Xigbar. "I'd rather like to throw darts at it."

"Saïx," Xaldin calls, and his voice is deafening with its urgency. "Some sort of direction, please? An order? Change in plan? You're the one in charge here!"

But Xaldin sounds far away. Heck, my own voice sounds a million miles away.

"Nine! Ten!"

"I can't. I give up. I can't…this." I think that's what I say. I slump – more so collapse – to the floor, right by the drawing table. A red colouring pencil finds its way to my hand and I start doodling. Xemnas claps his hands and yells in excitement. Hooray, Mama's joining in.

It's oddly therapeutic. I'll just sit here and colour. This is much nicer. Maybe if I colour enough, the problems will all go away.

"Ee…bleh, bla. GAH!"

Pain, glorious pain. Keep it coming, Lexaeus. Beat me while I'm down, why don't you.

Remember when I said that I can deal with any situation that gets given to me?

Yeah. I lied.

A/N: So Saïx reaches breaking point - will he recover? As always, a million thank yous to the lovely people who submitted reviews and comments. You guys keep me inspired and motivated to write this crackfic. Thanks so much!

I did mention before that Luxord would have no part in this fic, but he seems to have wormed his way in for the sake of plot. Hopefully he'll up the fic's quality, even if he doesn't provide the humour as such. Thanks for reading! Comments are very welcome :)