***Please read warnings contained in the summary. Read at your own risk!***

A/N: Okay, so far this story has been pretty grim, and tending towards being a little pathetic and soppy at the end of this chapter. It was hard to keep Emily in character whilst she is feeling so 'damaged' and hard to keep Hotch in character when he is acting so 'out of character'. A little more angst and then I promise things will start looking up.

The references to drugs and their effects in this chapter are probably wrong – don't take them seriously. I am not a toxicologist so was forced to reference them on the internet.

Also thanks for all the fantastic reviews. They keep me going

Unforgiveable – Chapter 4

Hotch did not turn up to work on Tuesday morning. After a restless night of disturbed dreams Emily was running late. It was unusual for her to be so disorganised and rushed and she felt out of sorts. Hurrying past her desk she dropped her bag and said a quick good morning to Reid and Morgan who were already working, before continuing on to JJ's office.

Emily knew she had treated her friends dreadfully; after all - they were not to blame for her situation and didn't even know what was going on. She felt guilty and ashamed by her behaviour and had been mentally rehearsing apologies since Rossi's departure the evening before.

Loud voices were emanating from JJ's office and Emily stilled.

"Look. That's only speculation Garcia. I'm not really sure what's going on with her. I think Dave knows something but he wouldn't tell me."

"So he's concerned too?"

"I think..."

"Uh Guys." Emily cut in as JJ and Garcia froze on the spot, casting guilty looks at each other. "You wouldn't be talking about me would you?" Emily's voice was light and she suppressed a smile. The other two looked so uncomfortable, like they were about to be chastised.

"It's okay. I actually came to apologise. I know I've been acting like a spoiled brat and I really am sorry. I didn't mean to be so short with you, I just..... I just really haven't been myself lately." Emily struggled with her emotions, her eyes begging JJ for understanding and forgiveness.

"Em.... This wasn't just a bag snatch was it?" JJ's eyes showed no anger, only concern for her friend.

Emily stared at the floor. "No." She admitted quietly.

"Were you.... raped?"

Emily was silent, still staring at the floor. Finally she nodded.

"Oh Em! Why didn't you tell us?" Garcia was horrified. "You don't have to deal with this alone!"

JJ was less surprised that Garcia and regained her composure faster. "You could have told us Emily."

"I know, I just... I couldn't. It's difficult."

JJ nodded. "I understand. But when you do feel like talking about it, we're here you know. I can't begin to imagine how you feel, but I want to help and talking about these things... it does usually..."

Emily cut her off "I know. And thanks... just not yet."

"You didn't report it did you?" Garcia inquired gently.

"No." Emily replied. "I really don't think there is any point and... You know" she shrugged "It's complicated."

"But Em... you have to, I mean you... you can't let that scumbag get away with it. This is not your fault you know." JJ had tears in her eyes and Emily once found herself wracked with guilt.

"No. It's not." Emily admitted to herself, "But I really don't want anyone to know JJ and I think I really just want to move on and forget it. There is nothing I can do to change what happened."

"You should have told us though" JJ paused, "Just the team. It's important that we know and nobody is going to think..."

"No." Emily was adamant. "Please JJ, don't."

"You did tell Hotch though? Tell me you did."

Emily winced. "He knows... and Rossi. He told Rossi..." she trailed off.

JJ seemed slightly appeased. "That's good. I think Hotch needs to know Em, he cares about you, I'm sure you know that." she stated firmly. "He will support you and if you need to take a break from all this." she gestured at the crammed office with her upturned palms, "I'm sure he will understand."

"I know."

If only they knew – Emily thought, but had no intention of telling them that Hotch was the one who had raped her.

"Where is Dave? I haven't seen him yet?" Emily inquired.

"Oh he left a few minutes ago. Not sure where he went - said he was coming back." Garcia shrugged. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine." Emily assured them, although her expression said otherwise. "I need to do some work."

Emily returned to her desk next to Reid and they worked in silence. A short time later, Rossi arrived and approached Emily's desk.

"Up for a chat?" he raised his eyebrows. Emily nodded and followed him to his office before sitting down.

"I just drove Hotch home. He's fine now, but the test results were worrying."

Emily released the breath that she had realised she was holding. "He's going to be okay?"

"Yes, but..." Dave shook his head "He'd been drugged Emily I don't think what happened was his fault- I don't think he was in control of his actions."

"How? What was it?"

"An extremely high dose of methamphetamines and ecstasy." Dave said gravely. "If truth be told, it could have been much worse. He was lucky not to have suffered seizures."

Emily frowned. "Does he remember...? I mean he wouldn't do something like that voluntarily. How did he get it?"

"We just don't know. All he remembers is being out at a bar with Shaun and his friends. He's going to have a little chat with Shaun this afternoon and I hope for Shaun's sake that he had nothing to do with it."

"So, the Doctors..." Emily voiced the question that she was burning to know. "Did they say what affect these drugs could have on a person's behaviour?"

"Obsessive thinking, memory loss, violent outbursts, irrational behaviour, uncontrollable desires... You name it. Sound like anyone you know?"

Emily nodded. It explained a lot really. It was so much easier to accept what had happened to her knowing Hotch hadn't really been in control of his actions.

"When will he be back?"

"Unless we have a case, not till next week. He's taking a break and you probably should too."

Emily got up from her chair. "I just want to work Dave. Keep busy. I think that's what's best for me now."

***

Meanwhile JJ snaked her way through the bullpen, depositing new case files on each of the teams' desks. Her task complete she returned to her office, hesitating when she reached her office door. She had just realised that the file she had left for Emily was a rape case and a relatively nasty one too. JJ returned to Emily's desk and retrieved the file. Glancing briefly at Morgan and Reid who were busy at their desks she quickly swapped Emily's file with Morgan's and placed it on his desk. Morgan looked up at her questioningly and she turned and hurried back to her office, not wanting her actions questioned. Reid pretended not to notice and returned to his work. He was aware that something was going on with Emily but chose not to ask any questions, she would confide in him when she felt ready.

Morgan's phone buzzed just as Emily was leaving Dave's office. It was Strauss and Morgan was not pleased to hear her voice.

"Agent Prentiss is not answering her phone and neither is Agent Hotchner. Do you know where they would be?" Strauss's tone was belligerent, something clearly had annoyed her.

"Agent Prentiss is right here, Hotchner is..."

"Send her up to me now." Ordered Strauss and hung up the phone.

"Strauss wants to see you Emily." Morgan apologised.

"Wh-What?" Emily stammered. Her feet rooted to the floor. "What does she want?"

"I have no idea, but she sounds seriously pissed."

"Didn't she say?" Emily screeched. She knew her voice was rising dangerously but was unable to control it.

"What's going on?" Rossi stood in the doorway of his office, looking down at them.

"Strauss. What the hell did you say to her?" Emily demanded.

"Nothing. Not a thing." Dave's look was sincere.

Finding her anger misdirected Emily stormed off in search of Garcia and JJ. The rest of the team were left in the bullpen, stunned by the outburst.

"JJ what I told you this morning was PERSONAL. Who the hell did you blab to?"

JJ was shocked. "No one Em. You know I wouldn't."

"Strauss wants to see me. Someone has! Garcia?"

"Seriously Em. Can you imagine Pen phoning Strauss about this? It wasn't her."

Emily knew JJ was telling the truth. The idea of Garcia and Strauss gossiping about her was pretty farfetched. She calmed down a little.

"Perhaps Hotch said something?" JJ voiced her thoughts. "He may be obligated to tell her when something like this is reported to him."

"No. He wouldn't." Emily was adamant. "He wouldn't do that."

"Then maybe it's something else entirely. "

"Could be." Emily was hopeful and slightly appeased. "Guess I'd better go and face her then."

"I'll walk with you. " JJ got up from her desk.

"No JJ. If you start acting like my bodyguard the guys will know something is going on."

"Em you just had a meltdown in the middle of the office." JJ gestured towards the bullpen. "And you came in yesterday all black and blue. I think they have probably already worked it out. You can't hide much from them..."

Emily nodded. JJ was right – the others likely did already know, and surprisingly it didn't really bother her. There were certain details however; she would never share with them. Hotch's involvement was one of them. Under no circumstances could they ever learn that her attacker was actually someone they all trusted.

"Come on." JJ interrupted Emily's thoughts. "You'd better not keep her waiting."

***

Emily stood awkwardly at Strauss's door, waiting to be invited in.

"Agent Prentiss. Glad you could make it." Strauss was sarcastic. "Please have a seat."

Emily sat nervously, trying to hide her anxiety from the superior she detested. Strauss sat opposite and placed a file on the desk in front of her. Emily glanced at the file, panic stricken – had Hotch actually made a report?

"This file came across my desk yesterday – remember it?"

Emily took the file with shaking hands. It was one of the few she completed yesterday, she noted. A BAU file, nothing to do with her or Hotch. She opened the file and scanned the contents.

"I suggest that you look at the summary report."

"Ma'am?" Emily was confused.

"Agent Prentiss..." she stopped abruptly, noticing Emily's bruise for the first time. "What happened to your neck?"

"I got mugged on Sunday. Uh. He tried to take my handbag." Emily was thankful that she remembered to wear a turtleneck that morning, and the bite mark was hidden.

"Did you report it Emily? Are you okay?" Strauss's voice conveyed only concern and Emily was surprised. Did this woman actually have a heart?

"I'm fine, really, just a little bruised. No I didn't make a report. There was no point..." she picked up the file again.

"You should have reported it."

Emily shrugged uncomfortably. It felt like Strauss was reading her mind and she didn't like the implications. She tugged at the sleeves of her jumper in an unconscious attempt to cover the marks on her wrists. Strauss noticed but did not comment, unnerved by the normally feisty Agent's dejected demeanour.

"Uh. I'd really prefer not to talk about it right now. I just want to move on... and forget."

"I understand." Strauss was sympathetic. She lowered her voice conspiratorially "There are people you can talk to Emily. You never have to put up with abuse in a relationship."

Emily fought the bizarre urge to giggle. Strauss was fully convinced she had a violent boyfriend.

"... and you know that no matter how many times he apologises, it won't stop."

Emily nodded. Strauss had conveniently jumped to the wrong conclusion and she was grateful for it.

"Uh. Thanks. I will think about it." She gestured to the file. It had the wrong summary report in the back. "This has obviously been mixed up with another case."

"Yes I can see that. I was going to reprimand you for making such a careless mistake, but I can see now that you had other things on your mind. Agent Hotchner checked the file, he should have noticed. It's him who should really be responsible for this error, not you. I understand he is off sick today?"

"Yes." Emily replied mechanically.

"I will speak with him when he gets back."

"Okay. Thank you." Emily rose, anxious to leave the office.

"My door is always open Emily. Think about what I have said."

"Yes Ma'am."

***

Hotch did not return to work for the rest of the week and Emily wondered on the outcome of his conversation with Shaun. She hadn't spoken to Hotch since Monday morning and it was now Friday afternoon. Things at work had basically returned to normal, aside of Hotch's absence, and Emily was back to working at her usual pace. The team had been tiptoeing around her, afraid of another outburst but had not questioned her about it.

Emily was hurt and confused that Hotch had not contacted her. He obviously considered her dirty and was probably disgusted by her. She felt herself partially to blame for her situation. Was it her latent feelings for Hotch that had somehow set events in motion on Sunday? Did she unconsciously lead him on? Emily was desperate to see him and yet terrified at the same time. A confrontation in the middle of the office was the last thing either of them needed, but since he had not contacted her, Emily was too humiliated to speak with him outside of work. She was forced to wait until his return.