Anything in italics is a flashback of a previous conversation.

Chapter 4

"Oh, Blaine!" Pam gushed as Blaine tugged his wheeled carry on through the airport terminal toward her. His smile was unmistakable, but even the sharpest of fans would have to look closely to find him under his disguise. He'd let his hair grow out considerably since his last scheduled public appearance and his facial hair had all but taken over the rest of his head. But there was no hiding from Pam Anderson, no sir.

"Mom…there's a reason I'm dressed the way I am, and it's not so you can yell my name out in the middle of a crowded airport," he laughed, hugging her tightly.

"Oh, stop! I know, I'm just…I'm just happy to see you, that's all. Should I call you Squirt like Cooper does?"

"Only if you want me to get back on the plane and head home," he smiled, but he paused as if giving her a second to think about her choice.

"Smarty," she snarked and punched his arm. "You look…different," Pam added, patting him on the cheek – what she was able to find of it – and gave him that smile that made his heart light and his eyes sparkle.

"I'm just trying to fly under the radar, that's all. The last thing I need or want is to be recognized out like this, with you, and have absolutely nobody with me to stop a stampede. You could be hurt, Mom, and I don't want that. Let's just grab my bags and get out of here, shall we?"

"You're all alone? Completely? No bodyguards?"

"Completely, and while I often long for solitude, I don't mind saying I'm still skittish in public without 'em. Did you drive?"

"I did," she said proudly. "I thought maybe you and I could grab lunch together before we head home and into the fray."

"I would actually really love that. Just us?"

"Just us, baby boy."

"I'm in. Lead the way. And Mom?"

"Yes, love?" she asked, turning to meet his eyes as he raised his sunglasses.

"I've missed you, and I'm really glad to be home."

"Oh, Blaine…" Pam sighed, taking him in her arms again to hug him tightly. "I'm so very glad you're here, too."

The ride to the diner was short. Despite its proximity to Columbus, Ohio and the airport there, Westerville was fairly small. Blaine and Pam settled into a booth in the back section of a small diner that had been on the main drag for years. They'd come there since Blaine was just a boy, often sharing burgers and ice cream for special occasions such as a good report card or a competition win with the Warblers while he was at Dalton. It was their place and Blaine felt comfortable there even if it was now miles away from either place he considered "home": L.A. or Wapakoneta, OH.

"Well, as I live and breathe…"

"Hello, Marge," Blaine grinned widely, standing to hug the woman as she squeezed him tightly.

"I'd ask how you've been, but clearly you've been just fine, darlin'! On the cover of every magazine, blog and album around these days, aren't ya? I'm so proud of you, I could bust!" she gushed. "Home for the holidays?"

"I am. I haven't been home just to visit in way too long."

"I'll say," Pam added. "Almost didn't recognize him at the airport!"

"Well, I can't say as I'd have known him, myself, if you weren't sittin' here with him. Looks like a small rodent took up residence on your noggin, half pint. What's up with that?" Marge teased him.

"Gotta lay low nowadays. And if we're being honest, which we are, it gets old, ya know? I've never been one to shy away from the spotlight before, but…maybe I've outgrown it, who knows? Some days I just want some peace and quiet, and there's not much of that to be found in L.A., smack dab in the heart of the city."

"Sounds like someone needs a change of pace?" Marge offered. Blaine just rolled his eyes and shrugged. Change of pace, indeed. "Your usual?"

"Absolutely, and could you—"

"Make the tater tots well done? Yes, sweetness, I will absolutely do that for Blaine Anderson any day of the week," she grinned, pinching his cheek as she'd done for years since he was barely a teenager. "And for you, lovely lady?"

"Just a bowl of vegetable soup today, please. I had a huge breakfast," Pam replied with a smile that told the world exactly who Blaine favored in the looks department.

"Coming right up, folks!"

Blaine stared across the table at his Mom, taking her in and noticing a fine line here and there that he hadn't seen the last time he'd been in town. Time was slipping away and although he enjoyed what he did for a living, it wasn't…it. Something was missing. Something besides Seth, anyway.

"So, spill it, sweetheart. What's eating at you? Because you've been just a short step above sullen for weeks. Is it work? Are you feeling well? Are you and Seth arguing?"

"It's hard to argue with someone who's not there," Blaine mumbled. Pam merely cocked her head to the side and Blaine took a deep breath. He'd be lying if he told her he'd been blindsided…

"Honest to God, Blaine, how do you think we're going to keep this up when you're obviously not 100% in it? I understand that you're insanely busy with work and everything that entails, and I don't begrudge you that at all, but…c'mon, man. You have to know that things have been strained for a long time now. It's not just me, right?"

Blaine took in a deep breath and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. On the other side of the partially open door stood the man who'd been a constant in his life for the better part of the last decade, and Blaine knew Seth was right…and he also knew he owed Seth a hell of a lot more than what he'd given him lately.

"Maybe it's just work? I mean, I've been finishing up in the studio with Phil and the guys. I know I've been tired lately when I get home, and I'm sorry, Seth, I really am. I'll do better…" Blaine trailed off, still staring at himself before finally letting his eyelids fall shut. "They have that energy drink stuff at the studio. I could try that and maybe—"

"Blaine."

That one word spoke volumes and Blaine refused to move…refused to open his eyes to see Seth standing there behind him now. He felt his chest tighten up and wrapped his fingers around the edge of the bathroom counter.

"Blaine…look at me. Please…honey, we've been through way too much to beat around the bush with each other. It's time. I know it, you know it—"

"And then everyone else will know it," Blaine whispered out, eyes clenched shut. "Or do they already?" It wasn't an accusation, just a question. Blaine finally found the strength to open his eyes and met Seth's in the mirror. "Please…don't…."

"Sweetheart, you know I love you. You were my first real love, and…oh God, Blaine, can we not do this in the bathroom? Come here. Sit with me," Seth pleaded as he tugged Blaine out of the bathroom and lead him to their bed.

"Can we just not do this at all?" Blaine asked quietly.

"You know better than that. You deserve better than what we have, Blaine. We've talked about this…often extensively, especially when you drink," Seth smirked, but there was not even the slightest hint of malice behind it. "And when you sleep and talk in your sleep…"

"I'm sorry. I won't drink. I'll stop cold turkey. I'll stop sleeping, just don't go. Please, Seth. You know I love you—"

"Oh, Blaine, I do. I do know you love me, and I love you more…which is why I can't keep you here. I can't, Blaine. It's unfair to both of us. I love you…and you love him. You always have," Seth grinned sadly as if speaking to a toddler about why the flower they picked the day before was now wilted and half dead. "He was your first love and you've never gotten over him, B. I get that, I really do. By all accounts, he's an amazing, witty, intelligent man, and it's clear as the nose on my face that he's handsome as hell. You need to see if there's anything still there with him because this…this is driving you batty and we both know it."

"Seth, no—"

"Blaine. Stop this. It's ok for you to have feelings for him, and I understand that. I really do, and I respect that you have been the most perfect boyfriend ever, doing everything in your power to make me happy. You have been unfailingly faithful, generous to a fault, loving and sweet and everything I could possibly ask for. The only thing you're not is…mine. You're still his, Blaine, and I have to accept that. And because I love you – God Blaine, so much - I'm letting you go. You need to go after him, honey, and do whatever it is you have to do to get him back because I think, hand to God, that's the only way you're ever going to be truly happy. And Jesus, Blaine, for as amazing as you are and as good as you are to everyone around you – fans, friends, family, all of it – you deserve every happiness. I'm also very well aware that there's no way you'll ever find that if you're saddled here with me."

"But Seth, I don't feel saddled. How can you say that? And…it won't matter anyway. I can't have him. He's not mine for the taking. He's in a long-term relationship with someone he cares for very much. We still have mutual friends, and I hear things…and it's not hard to find out, anyway. His name is mentioned in every fashion blog from here to Timbuktu. He's on talk shows and magazine covers. His personal life is everywhere, just like any big name."

"Just like your 'big name', Blaine?" Seth teased. Blaine ignored the comment and barreled on.

"But the bottom line is that we're here, and we're good together, aren't we?" Blaine asked, panic clear in his voice. "I mean, I thought…unless…unless it's you who doesn't want me anymore? Is there…do you want out? Is there someone else?" Blaine asked, a hint of hurt and maybe even irritation in his question. Seth wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Blaine…"

"Oh…well, this is fantastic. Not only are you using Kurt as an excuse to dump me, but you're already seeing someone. Should I grab my laptop and see how long it takes me to find out who it is? I'm sure some crazy pap has been snapping photos left and right and now and I'll be just the pathetic, cuckolded boyfriend—"

"BLAINE!" Seth said with more force behind it. He let out a long, slow breath through his nose and grabbed Blaine's hand. "You are anything but pathetic for God's sake! Is that what you're worried about? What people will say about us now? Who left who behind? We're not sleeping together, Greg and me. I promise you this. I wouldn't do that to you while we're still together. But he and I, we have…something. I need to explore that and…and let you get on with things."

"Why?" Blaine asked, his voice a bit stronger now. The very last thing he wanted to be was pathetic, begging for Seth to stay if he wanted out. But this…this hurt.

"Honey…we were so good together for so long. You know it, I know it, everyone else knows it. But can you truly look me in the eye and say that you're in love with me? And that if you had your choice between me and your Kurt, that you'd choose me? I want you to be honest with me, B. I'm not angry, and I'm not going to get angry. I just want you to be honest with yourself. If Kurt Hummel walked through that door ten minutes from now and told you he was a free man and he'd been pining for you all these years, would you tell him to bug off, that you were happy with me and then wish him a good life as you slammed the door?"

Blaine felt the hot tears blur his vision and he clenched his eyes shut tightly to hold them back. His face physically hurt from trying to keep calm and not show the emotion that was roaring to get out. Could he? Could he do that? Would he tell Kurt to get lost if there was even the slightest chance that he could have "them" back again?

"Why do I feel like my chest is going to implode?" he choked out. Seth slid an arm around him, tugging him in tightly as he rubbed circles on Blaine's back.

"There will be no scandal, Blaine. Greg is…a friend…my very good friend. He's very well aware of who you are, who I am and what is happening between us. He knows how big the stakes are and the damage that even the slightest misstep could cause. He knows just how angry any misstep would make me, I promise. He knows that I still care for you very much and I have no intention of making this hard on you. He's a good man, Blaine. You'd probably like him, actually. I've told him countless good things about you and he respects you and he knows that you're a damn fine human being as well as an insanely talented artist. You have to believe me. There will be no sightings of Greg and me together until you're ready for that. I will make you that promise because I truly care about you, and you don't need that on top of everything else."

"Everything else?" Blaine asked, confused.

"Wes called the other night and I picked up your phone…" Seth replied, eyes on the bedspread now. Blaine let his own head droop. "I guess he assumed you'd told me about his offer. I'm sorry, I absolutely had no intention of dipping in your business, Blaine." Blaine merely nodded. "Have you decided what you're going to do?"

"Not yet. It's a huge decision. I'm not sure I can just walk away from…everything. Even if I wanted to, I have contracts and appearances I'm tied to."

"But it's what you love, B. Songwriting is what you do and who you are. It's in your blood and you know as well as I do that, deep down inside, you're jonesing to write for Wes. And the traveling would be so much less, I'd think, right? I know that's taking its toll on you, babe. You're never home." With a deep sigh he continued. "Again…you deserve to be happy, Blaine. I don't want to tell you what to do, but if you have the chance to do what truly makes you happy, please…grab that with both hands and don't let go. Life is too short to be only 'marginally happy' if you can reach out and grab 'absolutely fantastic' by the horns and hold on to it. You do what's best for you, and don't stress about your team. Everyone else will be fine. You've seen to that."

"Why are you being so kind about all of this?" Blaine asked quietly. They lived in a 20th-floor condo with soundproof walls because of Blaine's music. They could carry on, yell and scream for hours and nobody would hear a thing, yet Blaine spoke as if a baby was asleep in the room.

"I truly respect the person that you are, Blaine. We've been together for a long, long time and during that time you have been so good to me. You didn't always have to be. I know I'm a lot to handle sometimes, and my family hasn't exactly been easy on either of us, but you've been…pretty damn amazing. I love you for being true to yourself no matter what life or the execs threw at you. I'm honored that you chose to keep me around and share the spoils of all of your hard work. But I can't keep you from your own happiness anymore, B. You deserve so much, and if I could drag you to him and force the issue, I would. I want that for you, Blaine. I want to see you holding his hand on the red carpet while I'm sitting at home on the sofa eating popcorn and cheering you on."

"I think you're just too good for me and you're just now realizing it," Blaine quipped, trying for levity and almost succeeding.

"I'm sure it's the other way around. Please, Blaine…do what's going to make you happy…with Wes and with Kurt. Please just try. Don't look back 20 years from now and have 'I wish I would haves" hanging all around you. Promise me you'll make absolutely sure he's off the market before you give up hope?"

"We'll see," Blaine forced out, his words choked off as he stood and walked around the bed. There, by the door, sat a pile of suitcases and bags that didn't belong to him. "Are you…" Blaine began, then noticed the closet which he could clearly see, now, was half empty. Seth had obviously been busy while Blaine was out of town. With a deep breath, he just nodded and turned to look out the window at the city lights below.

"Call me if you need me. I'm not joking and I won't allow it to get awkward. We've been a team for too long to throw that all in the shitter and shoot ourselves in the foot over it. Promise me?" Seth asked, and it was just short of pleading.

Blaine nodded, unable to force words out. His personal life was crumbling and he didn't want to face it. But, deep down, he knew Seth was absolutely right. He'd never been able to let go of Kurt…not completely…and it wasn't fair to Seth to live in that shadow.

"I'll see myself out, then."

"I do love you, Seth," Blaine said as if he was speaking to the city itself.

"And I love you. I probably always will," he said, taking a few steps backward toward the door. "But I'll never be your 'Kurt'…even if you'll always be mine," Seth whispered, and then softly closed the door.

"Oh…sweetheart. Why in the world didn't you call me?" Pam asked, watching her son stare holes in the old Formica tabletop. She had known, without a doubt, that something wasn't right. Reaching across the table she wrapped her slim fingers around his hand and felt him squeeze back.

"I wasn't really in any frame of mind to discuss it, Mom. I'm sorry. It's not that I think I can't talk to you or that I didn't want to. It's just that…well, honestly for a little bit it was just…surreal. Seth has been there, in the condo, for the past five years. It's a lot to get used to, coming home to an empty place all the time. And I've had a lot on my mind, what with Wes' offer and everything."

"What, exactly, is Wes offering?"

"He's looking for someone to write music…the score…for a show that he's going to be producing and maybe even directing. It's still in its beginning stages, but Wes seems to think this particular show will be right up my alley."

"And what do you think?" Pam asked, head tilted to the side as she studied him.

"I think it's a huge decision. It will take up a big chunk of my time and may even require me to…to relocate. Wes is in New York now. And the show is in New York as well. We're almost done with my album. We have one more song to perfect and then it's complete. After that, I think I can get out of most of my obligations for a little bit, and my contract is...well, it was for three albums. After this, I'm free, pretty much. Lou says when I'm done with Wes I can always come back, that they have no doubts that what I bring to the table is the real deal."

"Ok, so you sound pretty well decided on that front. But what do you think about-?"

"Moving? I mean…I guess I'll have to. I suppose I could get an apartment in New York and keep the condo in L.A. but why? And I still have the house to consider—"

"I think you're avoiding my question on purpose, B."

"I answered your question," Blaine smirked.

"Don't you play dumb with me, Blaine Anderson. What do you think about Kurt?"

"Everything. There's not a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about Kurt."