Beautiful dynamite

"Lange nicht gesehen, Shinji."

The shadows rushed me, bandaged one-eyed faces hungry for revenge. They knew my weak points and closed in for the kill. The field turned into a vortex of yellow tang.

I fell to the ground.

Asuka Langley Soryu.

Things she said before were playing in my head, things like, "Are you an idiot? Sweat it too much, you'll turn into a feedhead - end up losing your mind before they even get a chance to blow your brains out!"

I stared blankly at the aluminium piping of a cabinet inside the infirmary.

When I was a kid the war against angels hasn't even started yet, but I still played my part. After second impact, instead of Cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers, we fought aliens using toy guns that fired spring-loaded plastic bullets. They stung a little when they hit, but that was all. Even up close they barely hurt. I always played the hero, taking the hit for the team. I'd spring out courageously into the line of fire, absorbing one bullet after another. I did a little jump with each successive hit, performing an impromptu interpretive dance. I was really good at it. Inspired by the hero's death, his comrades would launch a bold counterattack. With his noble sacrifice, he'd ensured humanity salvation. Victory would be declared, and the kids who'd been the bad guys would come back to the human side and everyone would celebrate. There was no game like it.

Pretending to be a hero slain in battle was one thing. Dying a hero in a real war was another. As I got older, I understood the difference, and I knew I didn't wanna die. Not even in a dream. And instead of sacrificing myself for everyone, I sacrificed everyone for myself.

Now the last human I killed stood there in the infirmary before me and punched me into my face - again.

For real, I deserved that.

"Take that you dipshit!" And she punched me again, and I let her.

It took me a while to realize.

I was just playing around.

I never wanted to fight the angels to save humanity again. I'd seen my fill of that before. I was lying to myself, I'd just take the first chance to run like always. I could search my soul till my body fell to dust around it and I'd never find the desire to do great things like saving the human race. What I found instead was a wire puzzle you couldn't solve no matter how many times you tried. Something buried under a pile of puzzle pieces that didn't fit.

It pissed me off.

I was weak before. I couldn't even get myself to look Asuka in the eye before. I thought the redux would change me, forge me into something that worked. I may have fooled myself into believing I'd find the last piece of the puzzle I needed to complete Shinji Ikari back here in the past. But I was wrong. The last piece, it was stuck in the future along with her.

I never wanted to be a hero, loved by millions. Not for a minute. If I could convince the few friends I had that I was someone who could do something in this world, who could leave a mark, no matter how small, that would be enough.

And look where that got me.

I now possessed a handful of skills that weren't good for shit in a real battle.

It was like one of those childish fantasies where you got back in past and did everything differently. But we are who we are, a person can't change just because he's back in past. The thing with sensei's wife was just a lucky break, so people wouldn't say otherwise. And aside from that I just pretended it, fantasized about it. Made checklist and that was all.

I was still weak, and the world was still fucked.

This was ridiculous. It was time to cash in the bills. What I kept saying and doing - making that checklist for. It was time to stop running, turn around and do something. I pulled back my shoulders and imagined I was standing before a firing squad. It was time to finally do the things I really feared.

I punched the cabinet beside me.

She stopped.

"Maybe the humanity won't have to lose," I said holding my bleeding nose.

It looked almost funny, her small frame holding me by my shirt throwing weak punches into my face.

"I'm sorry for what I did before," I said.

I pulled her practically to me in a rough embrace.

"I got your back now," I said. "I know, I've let you down... It's okay, I won't hurt you again."

"So..." Asuka's expression was that of a child about to cry. "You got back too..."

Instead of pushing away, she let me hold her for a moment, clinging to me. She'd been so sure that she was going to die. Fresh out of coma, the only thing I was capable of was to betray her.

The moment didn't last very long...

"Get your stinking hands off me you pervert!"

Asuka started screaming, kicking her heels into my shins and twisting from side to side, but I continued to hold her trying to comfort her. No... that's a lie. I have to face it, I tried to comfort myself. I was literally clinging to hope. I didn't want to die and I had to save the world. A contradiction. I felt that I could turn it all around and make it happen with her. Asuka was screaming, and her fingernails dug into my hands, the soft skin between my fingers. She dug into the skin on the back of my hands until I got her around the wrists and twisted her arms up and away from her sides.

This is the life I got. Somehow this break always happened between us. This power struggle. No matter how great you think you are, at some point you'll find yourself here.

The moment I let her go free, I stepped back.

Her hands in fists, Asuka leaned toward me, her hair hanging in her face. Her gym clothes twisted tight around her body, the neckline torn on one side so her shoulder showed, bare. She kicked off her shoes so now she was barefoot. Her eyes behind the dark snarls of her hair, her eyes were reflecting the lights.

She looked wicked. A wicked witch. A crazy woman. It was still there, the thing she fell in coma for. We came back in time, but we took our minds with everything that was there. There are things you simply can't choose - how you feel.

And through her teeth, she said, "Be careful what you're trying to do, it won't be like before, I can defend myself. I can."

And I finger-combed my hair. I straightened and tucked the front of my shirt smooth.

"Stop being ridiculous," I told her. "You saved my life. I owed you a thanks and an apology. And I... missed you."

And Asuka said nothing.

Tough love.

And then, as if snapping out of it, she looked at me with those menacing eyes, "If you ever touch me like that without my permission again... I'll kill you."

Maybe this is a love story, maybe not.

It depends on how much I can believe myself.

And holding my nose, I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I didn't know that already."

After that she treated my nose and stuffed a paper handkerchief into it like if nothing happened between us. A little bipolar, I know. She just put her shoes on, adjusted her clothes and started treating me.

"Look, Shinji, I'm sorry-"

"Don't be, I deserved that, now we're even."

A long moment passed between us. Time grew wider.

Then she cleared her throat.

"So what was that," she said suddenly angry. "Little-Shinji showing off for the girls?"

"Why are you here?"

"Why? I thought I was the only one who got back..." she made a difficult face. "And I couldn't watch that thing happen to my mom a second time, so I asked around third branch about you, made myself transfer here."

"For what?"

You could see oxygenated hemoglobin transfer into her face.

She turned around, "To see if you got back too, see if you have a plan. Although I didn't realize Shinji Ikari was a wimp and now he's ten years old wimp."

Then she laughed, "Wanting an advice from a wimpy little weasel who is just standing here, letting a girl that's smaller than him punch in his face and is at the same time a direct cause of the end of the world was... well. A little stupid of me."

"It was an iso push-up," I made a fist. "Supposedly it should help us synchronize better."

She turned back to me and made a face like she didn't believe her ears.

What if you won't have a choice? What if you will have to relive your execution again? What if everyone melts just like before? At the end of the day, every man has to wipe his own ass. There's no one to make your decision for you, either. And whatever situation you're in that's just another factor in your decision. Which isn't to say, everybody gets the same range of choices as everybody else. If there's one guy with an ace in the hole, there's sure to be another who's been dealt a handful of shit. Sometimes you run into a dead end. But you walked each step of the road that led you there on your own. Even when you face an enemy you have the choice to meet your death with dignity or go kicking and screaming into the hereafter.

I started, "It's a fucked up world, with fucked up rules. So fuck it."

I offered her my hand.

"Let's see how much we can take with us. So what if a world hands us a pile of shit? We'll comb through it for the corn. We'll uncover the plans of that cocksucker. We'll dodge angel projectiles by hairs breadth. We'll slaughter them with a single blow. If Asuka Langley Soryu was a goddess on the battlefield, I'll watch and learn until I can match her kill for kill."

She took my hand in a firm handshake, saying, "We have all the time in the world and nothing better to do. Who knows? Maybe something will change if I team up with invincible Shinji. Or maybe I'll find a way to take your father and piss in his eyes."

I grinned, "That'd be just fine by me. Partners?"

She smiled, "Long time no see, partner."

There was a fucking frenzy in my head.

Asuka was back.

I couldn't calm down, but at the same time I just couldn't stop smiling either.

My guardians were already asleep and I just finished my late-night room cleanup. Everything was clean and I took a shower to calm down and to get me to bed. Somehow, I don't know why I looked at my bookcase longer. I looked at the wood it was made of. My mind then went to a break I guess, it's that normal state when your mind goes absent for a while and usually someone standing around notices you looking blankly at an object. I just looked at the wooden bookcase. There were so many things that I didn't do right. Not just angels. If there were things I fucked up before, too many were connected to her too. Things she ended up as she is now. I had to make up everything to her. Repair it somehow.

She was as she was, because of me.

It felt terrible.

It's hard to explain, but the closest it came to was emptiness. No point to hold on to. It was as if... nothing had changed...

I wasn't weak anymore, or afraid. I took Shinji Ikari by the hair and looked at that asshole. I needed to do that. I was looking for answers, to explain this to myself.

Not HOW, but WHY.

And I realized that together with her, I could believe in myself to defeat these negative consequences. To defeat my father. To defeat SEELE. To defeat angels. To help her come in terms with her own past somehow.

I could do it with her. I mean who else could do it but her? I was a failure in many areas, but with her I felt invincible. Before I was afraid of how to handle things, the emptiness, being detached... now I wasn't alone in this anymore. There was no way I wasn't able to do it now.

It had been so long since I'd seen a good omen, I'd forgotten what they looked like.

"I'll make it all up to her, everything, pay my debts, tomorrow if I have to."

We could jump right to defeating all of our enemies now, but no, first I'll make it up to her. I'll make it better from the inside. And after we're both ready to face the apocalypse, we will. And we will kick ass.

Anyway, I went to sleep mentally exhausted, but happy.

The next day I slept in, it was about ten when I woke up.

And since it was still great outside, I got out my phone and called Asuka.

"Mhm."

"Hey, Asuka you awake?"

"Of course I am, what do you want, it's Saturday."

I smiled, she just woke up it was clear as a day, "Do you have a bike? It's still nice out, we could take it out for a few swings."

"I live in a hotel, idiot..."

"That's okay," I chuckled to myself. "I have two bikes, one is a prototype - Olcran, the other is the first one developed solely for biking purposes - Hitoki Swift. And it's red."

She stopped, I could imagine her red angry face. "Are you pulling my nose, Ikari?"

"I knew you wouldn't be able to resist, let's meet in front of the school in an hour, bye."

Back now it was a very new Hitoki Swift. It was a very expensive and great bike, which my guardians bought me before summer. Me being me, I never rode it as often as the bike deserved it. Now, I was dying to go out. I'd be out with her, after all. After the breakfast which sensei's wife made for me and for which I thanked her maybe too much I put on my biking clothes and went out.

Holding the two bikes in front of school I waited a while before Asuka decided to grant me with her presence.

When she showed up in those clothes with that kiddy pink bike helmet of hers, I had to hold my laugh hard. She puffed her cheeks and ran up to me then got me in a sleeper hold, holding my head the way you hold a baby or a rugby ball.

"Still not beaten enough huh, Shinji-kun?"

Her grip was weak, I easily got out.

"That's what you've really came to Japan didn't you? Your master plan was just to beat me."

"O-Okay, fine," I put up my hands in defense. "It's just that."

"What?!"

I put my palm on the top of her head, then measured her height to my chest.

"Maybe you'll have to ride Olcran after all."

"Bullshit," she said going for the newer bike. "Look, easy as a slap."

Somehow she got on and rode a few meters then fell to the ground loudly. I even put the seat as low as possible.

Without a word she raised up and pointed a finger at me, "Don't say anything."

I put up my hands shaking my head. All right.

She went for the older bike and took it up, "So are we going or not?"

"Sure, I was just humbly waiting for you to finish."

I got on the bike and we dashed away, heading for my favorite route, downtown and near the riverbanks. I noticed the great control I had over the bike right away. In the future I biked many times more than I did at this time, I learned tricks and became a fast and experienced rider. Upon the first contact with the pedals of the Swift, I felt the power and experience wasn't gone. We rode through the city at violent speeds, maybe just to squeeze maximum out of it. Maybe it was out of pure happiness that we dashed at high speeds through the zones of the old city, overtaking each other along the way, flying through numerous tight squeezes and also doing some of the tricks I knew. There were other bikers of our age here and there, all of them heavily inferior to us, not only in terms of the bike model. We were really better than them and they couldn't match our skills.

Asuka was smiling, I smiled too, there were things we kept on discovering that added to our supremacy.

When we came back Asuka was first to speak, "Why couldn't you be like this before?"

"Like what?"

She shrugged, "Like this, I don't know, more open to things."

"Dunno," I sipped from my bottle.

"I mean," she searched for words. "We can't even do anything like this."

I thought for a while.

"I don't understand."

She smiled, untying her kiddy helmet, "Still as dense as ever I see, well I guess some things never change."

Something was off.

"Hey! That's my bike, you can't just take it like that."

She stuck out her tongue, "I'm borrowing it, so little Shinji doesn't have to have the work with it next week."

"So we're riding again?"

"Of course we are, idiot, we're partners in crime remember? See ya~"

Seeing her waving at me like that... something was definitely off.

Then she grinned.

It was the grin of a winner.

That made two of us.

AN: Thanks for feedback, I really appreciate it, if people enjoy this story - that's a reason to keep it up right there.