Sheesh... It's really hard for me to keep Tsuna out of character for some reason. I keep imagining him panicking over every little thing here - which OOC Tsuna would never do... Strange, it's usually keeping people IN character the challenging part.

Anyways, it took me a while. I finally got off my lazy seat and start writin'!

Sorry if Cannibal!Hibari is too gory. This is a crackfic after all so I'll tone it down a bit.

Also, I found an empty notebook that I could jot down all my ideas in! Now I am fully motivated and cackling evilly over the computer screen as I laid out my grand master plan... Watch out for the Future Arc...

Chapter 4: Tsuna Leads Mass Suicide

CRASH!

Tsuna's head spun. He landed on the floor quite painfully as he collided with somebody who was also running full-speed towards the school gates.

45 minutes late. Why haven't his alarm clock rang?

Oh. He remembered that yesterday a cow-child with an afro hurled into his room and demolished most of it for no apparent reason. His alarm clock must also be damaged.

The Decimo looked back to the person who he crashed into.

"Hi."

"Hi."

An awkward silence stretched out between them.

"If you excuse me, I have classes to attend." Tsuna said as he stood up and brushed dirt off his pants. Then he remembered the one overprotective self-declared subordinate currently living inside his pants. "Ah, shi-"

"HOW DARE YOU KNOCK JUUDAIME DOWN?!" Gokudera suddenly popped out from the zipper of Tsuna's jeans (Not even God knows what he's doing in there), roaring like a protective puppy. More like a ferocious lion. Or an irritated cat.

Enough with the animal comparisons.

Chrome's eyes bugged out. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I should be asking you the same question!" Gokudera yelled back.

"No. Your precious 'Juudaime' was the one who bumped into me," Chrome narrowed her eyes, "Why don't you have a pinky finger by the way?"

The bomber looked like he was about to explode in fury, but Tsuna took the initiative to end the argument, seeing now he was fifty minutes late from school and Hibari might pop out to bite them to death any second now.

"Sorry," he said, "There is no time for your lovers quarrel. We have to get to class."

He meant to be teasing, but the two of the turned white as a sheet. Why was that? Oh, right. He was Tsuna - he never jokes. Despite meeting for a short five - no, it's seven minutes now - Gokudera and Chrome were instantly at each other's throats.

Seeing both of them still glaring at each corner, Tsuna grabbed their collars and dashed into the school just as Hibari came around the corner.

Mukuro sweatdropped as he possessed a couple of his classmate to clean the heavily graffiti-ed... every inch of the school. Oh look, there's enough gum in the courtyard to wrap Lancia (who was as tall as a tree) up into a cocoon. Forget the uniforms, it seems like Namimori really is the better place.

Not that his pride would let him admit that, of course.

At least it was not him who's doing all the work. Because one word of this to Chrome and he will never live it down. Maybe he could use his illusions to cover it up or something, then modify everyone's memories so that they'll never remember this rundown trashy place againg.

First stage of his plan - complete. Now he had to target those who are close to the Vongola. His subordinates will do.

Dark laughter rang from the abandoned halls of Kokuyo.

Lambo trembled in a corner.

Yesterday in his desperation to flee the scary stick-wielding man, he had crashed into a window and into a room. Not knowing if he's safe, he had pulled out a grenade and bombed the place before fleeing. It was a miracle the house was still intact.

But then a bird had tangled in his hair and he lost concentration while jumping out of the window, and now he was back. The stick-wielding man was back.

"Hand it over. Now." Threatening grey eyes stared at the canary it spotted trapped in the bushy mounds of afro.

The infant whimpered as it dug through it's head, tossing about candy wrappers, lolipops, encyclopedias... was that an oven? Nevermind.

Anyways, after ten minutes of searching, Lambo finally found it, tossing the panicked bird towards Hibari. The prefect grunted and walked away, now ignoring the dumbfounded child.

"What's up with him?" Lambo wondered, picking his nose. His fear was now gone with the presence of the man disappearing.

Hibari was feeling particularly violent right now. He knew he shouldn't have let the Herbivore live. The next time he sees that boy, he will be having beef stew... with extra flavoring you'd probably don't want to know about. I know I said I would tone the gory things down a bit.

"Hibari! Hibari!" Said prefect gave a nod of acknowledgement as he sped towards the school yard. It was a close call; the cow-like Herbivore's hair looked like a bottomless pit. He had almost lost his precious Hibird down there. He had seen it envelope Hibird, almost like it was swallowing the poor canary alive.

Yes... He'll have some Beef-flavored ramen to look forward to tonight. Of course, the ramen will be provided by the package. Hibari cannot cook, and if some bloke had gone insane enough to let him try anything more challenging than roasting meat over a fire, then they will get the second coming of the Poison scorpion. Perhaps with more potential than the last.

Then, up ahead he spotted them: the Herbivores that are always late to class. They have a lot of nerve, being fifty-two minutes. He will bite them to death!

WHAM.

A part of Tsuna wanted to scream so badly that his brain hurts, but no, he was too busy staring in horror (making Tsuna horrified is not an easy feat. Chrome may now pat herself on the back,) at the door.

Just before Hibari could close in on them, Chrome had slammed the door shut so quickly that it smashed into Hibari's head, knocking the boy out cold.

He began to walk briskly away from the scene of crime, whipping out a piece of paper from his pocket.

"Juudaime! Our class is the other way!" Gokudera called out.

"Where are you going?" Chrome asked curiously.

"Away."

"Elaborate."

Tsuna looked down, "I heard Hawaii is a nice place this time of the year. Now, do you want me to add anything to your wills...?"

Yamamoto was humming happily when he spotted Tsuna, Gokudera and an unfamiliar girl race down the hallway.

"Hey Tsuna!" he called out.

"Yamamoto?"

"Are we playing tag?"

"No," Chrome panted, "We're going to Hawaii."

"Hahaha, cool," Yamamoto laughed. "Purple-hair-san, are you an FBI agent sent here as Tsuna's bodyguard?"

"NO!" Gokudera protested, "I will be the one who protects Juudaime's body!"

Silence.

Yamamoto laughed again, Tsuna averted his gaze and kept running, and Chrome face-palmed.

"So why are we running?" the baseball-star asked again.

Tsuna quickly explained the situation and Yamamoto nodded.

"So if Hibari dies and becomes a zombie, he'll never reach us in Hawaii. Right?"

"He's not dead," Chrome snapped, "And he'll be pissed when he wakes up. That's why we need to go now!"

"Pissed?" Yamamoto blinked, "Then he should go find a bathroom."

Gokudera suddenly screamed in frustration, both at the absurdness of his companions and at their current predicament "How big is this stupid school?!" he exclaimed.

"We're almost out," Tsuna said, "After we pass the stairs to the roof, there's an emergency exit right to the left."

"Emergency exit..." Yamamoto murmured. "Tsuna! I've got it!"

"What?"

"If we travel through time and prevent this from happening, then Hibari won't want to piss on us anymore!"

"Idiot!" Gokudera shouted, "Hibari doesn't want to do that! And nobody can travel through time! According to the laws of-"

"Gokudera," Tsuna interrupted, "I've seen it. Yamamoto traveled back in in time before in front of me. I even spoke to his future self."

The bomber quieted. If his boss said so, then he must be right! He shouldn't doubt Juudaime!

"Forgive me for doubting the stupid baseball-nut, Juudaime!" he said as they ran up the stairs together.

"It's alright."

Chrome watched the trio with a bemused look. She had deducted the words, 'Juudaime' - meaning 'Tenth' - for the scrawny little boy with a missing pinky finger to be the elusive Vongola Decimo. Hers and Mukuro-nii's enemy. She had not expected mafia men to be so... normal.

This must be an act, she decided. They are not really going to jump off he roof. Maybe they're luring her up there to get rid of her because she knocked their boss down, and they're keeping her confused to get her off guard. Well, she's not going to get fooled!

The roof was spacious and empty. Tsuna eyed the far ground with an apprehensive eye. What if it only worked with Yamamoto? Then they would be pancake, and Tsuna would become the most pathetic mafia boss in pathetic mafia boss history (privet joke here). Reborn will laugh at him, the Nono will laugh at him, he will never see his father again if he didn't stop waiting.

"Ready?"

Deep breath.

"Set?"

In...Out...In...Out.

He wasn't jumping to his death, he wasn't leading a mass suicide, he was not trying to do all of this just because he accidentally angered one of the most violent cannibal he knew and who he lost his pinky finger to, he was not about to die...

Fuck, who was he kidding?

"GO!"

They all jumped, leaving screams behind in the wind.

Whoops, I forgot to include Ryouhei. Ah well, he'll be in the next chapter. I typed this out in one day you know! I dunno where this sudden burst of inspiration came from, but I'm not going to waste it.

I'm not sure if there's enough craziness here to match the previous chapters. It's mostly dialogue, and the part I wanted to write the most is next chapter. I want this fic to be packed to the brim with insanity, and crack. Lots of crack. Enough to make dozens of fireworks.

Next time, Mukuro shall appear! Muahahahahaha! His...er (not really friendly)relationship with Hibari will be much different than canon. You'll see... (dramatic music in the background)