Souvenir
Endgame Redux
A Star Trek: Voyager fanfiction
by
CanonAntithesis
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.
Chapter 4
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Tuvok's words echoed through Kathryn's head as she thought back over her conversation with her oldest friend. She couldn't believe she hadn't realized he was having problems. She also hadn't noticed Chakotay and Seven's growing relationship.
Staring out at the stars streaking by, she realized the Admiral was right. She was too wrapped up in her own problems to see what was happening to her own crew.
What other secrets was she not noticing?
Kathryn looked down at her own hand and saw that, once again, it had drifted to her flat belly seemingly of its own accord. How many times in the past week had this happened?
A sudden heaviness hit Kathryn and she abruptly collapsed down into her favorite chair, the one where she had enjoyed many hours of reading her antique paper novels.
There was at least one more secret hidden from Kathryn. It was the one she was keeping from herself.
With that autonomous hand still protectively positioned on her abdomen, her brain suddenly realized something which her body had already decided upon.
She would keep the baby.
However, further planning and thinking was interrupted by the sound of her door chime. Thinking it was the Admiral, but hoping it wasn't, she bade her visitor enter. She wasn't sure she could handle anymore drama from her older self.
Tom Paris stormed through the doors as soon as they opened wide enough to allow him entry. Striding right up to the captain, he stopped only inches from her face, so close that she could clearly see the tiny stress lines at the corners of his mouth.
Despite the naked look of fear in his eyes or maybe because of it, Kathryn had an overwhelming desire to take him in her arms and hold him.
"Tom? What's happened?" Her previous concerns about the crew ran through her head. Was there something going on in Tom's life of which she was not aware?
"The admiral told me everything."
A deathly paleness spread over Kathryn's face and nausea curdled in her stomach. She couldn't believe the admiral would betray her like this. Kathryn used the anger she felt for Admiral Janeway to bolster the confidence she wasn't actually feeling.
"She had no right," Janeway spat. Even though she had decided to keep the baby, she hadn't decided how or when to tell Tom. There was simply too much happening in both of their lives to deal with that right now.
"Then it's true."
Kathryn turned from him without replying and walked towards the large windows which comprised the entire outer wall of her quarters. With her back to Tom, she was hoping to buy a few seconds to gather her thoughts. It didn't work.
Tom boldly laid a hand on her shoulder and spun the captain around to face him.
"You owe me an answer!" Rage etched on his face, conflicting with the raw desperation in his voice.
"You are out of line, Lieutenant!" Now, her command voice was back with a vengeance.
"Please, you can't let her die." The pain in Tom's voice was heartbreaking. "The admiral said she could save us and my daughter wouldn't have to die. Please, Kathryn, please don't let her die. Don't do this to her, please, she's my daughter."
"Miral…" The name was a whisper on her lips. "This is about Miral?" She relaxed infinitesimally with the knowledge that the admiral must not have told him everything, but only the part of their future which concerned little Miral.
"You knew and you still won't go back?" The words fell ragged from his lips.
"Tom…", she pleaded as she reached out and took his hands in hers. "We can save millions of lives by destroying that hub. If we run away and save ourselves, we'd be betraying one of Starfleet's founding principles. How could we live with ourselves, knowing that we could have dealt a crushing blow to the Borg, but chose to only save ourselves instead?"
"But we're talking about saving the people we know, the people we love, versus some strangers that we will never meet. We're talking about my daughter."
"Tom, you don't understand. I can't…"
"For me, Kathryn. Do this for me. Do this for what we once had. Please. If I ever meant anything to you, please." Tears welled unashamedly in his eyes as he pleaded with her with all his heart.
Janeway slowly shook her head from side to side and started to explain again why she couldn't trade her principles for an old admiral's crazy ideas. However, before she could utter a word, Tom jerked back from her and out of her grasp.
"Why am I trying to reason with the almighty Captain Janeway? You aren't Kathryn anymore. I'm not sure you ever were." Tom's voice was full of hate and venom. "You can't imagine what it's like to be a parent … to love someone more than you love life itself."
Tears came unbidden to her eyes too and she ached to tell him that she did understand. That she was also carrying his child and she already loved this baby beyond reason.
He stormed to the door, but stopped and turned back to her just as the automatic door sensors opened. "The admiral told me you still loved me. She lied."
With that, Tom fled through the open doors.
All the reserves of strength from which Kathryn had been drawing suddenly dried up and she broke down onto the sofa in a heap. She sagged and pressed her hand over her eyes, hoping that if she didn't acknowledge it, she could pretend she wasn't crying.
####
Captain Janeway straightened her uniform jacket and swept an errant piece of hair away from her face. She reached out her finger to press for entry into the VIP quarters. With irritation, she realized her hand was shaking and she quickly clasped both hands behind her back as she waited.
After five hours of tossing and turning in bed, she had gotten up and redressed. This conversation couldn't wait until morning.
The admiral was still cinching her robe as the doors slid open. She didn't look surprised to see her visitor.
The captain had been staring at the deck, trying to decide how to start this conversation ... with herself. She looked up and met the older woman's eyes and inhaled deeply, readying herself.
"Hell, Kathryn. You look like crap! Come in, come in. Do you have any idea what time it is?" The admiral draped an arm over Kathryn's shoulder and ushered her into the room.
Each sentence ran into the next as the admiral turned away from the younger Janeway and walked to the replicator. She stopped and looked back at the captain before giving the computer her order.
"Would the smell of coffee bother you?"
The combination of fatigue and surprise in Kathryn's eyes caused the admiral to answer her own question.
"Right." Turning back to the replicator, she commanded, "Two cups of herbal tea, sweetened."
After they had settled themselves and Admiral Janeway had made sure Kathryn had taken a small sip of tea, she finally broached the reason the captain was visiting her at such an ungodly hour.
"I take it that Tom spoke to you."
"Yes and can I just say that your little subterfuge with him was unconscionable."
The admiral huffed. "Subterfuge? I'd hardly called it that. I want to win, Kathryn, because I know it's the best thing for this ship. So yes, I'll pull every kind of dirty trick to make that happen. You think you wouldn't?"
The older woman stopped and studied her counterpart for a moment.
"And judging by the fact that you're here and you look absolutely horrible, I'd say it might be working."
Kathryn sighed deeply and sank back into the sofa's cushions. She spoke very slowly, thinking through her words carefully.
"Is there anyway, whatsoever, that we could accomplish both of our goals? Destroy the hub and get Voyager home?"
"I knew I would never be able to talk you out of something you'd set your mind to. But Tom … that's a different story. He really got to you, didn't he?"
"Just answer the question." Kathryn's voice was sharp, tinged with fatigue.
The admiral sat down her teacup and rose, standing before the large observation window and staring into the distance, so very, very far from home. Sometimes, it felt like she had spent most of her life doing this.
"There may be a way. I … considered it once, but it seemed too risky."
Kathryn jumped to her feet. Her eyes alit with possibilities and her tiredness forgotten.
"What is it?"
####
Admiral Janeway was already seated in her shuttle when Kathryn entered with a pensive look on her face.
"It's about time. I'm not getting any younger, you know," the admiral said in an effort to lighten the mood. "You aren't either."
Kathryn didn't comment as she sat down in the co-pilot seat across from the admiral. She held up a hypospray.
"You're sure you want to do this?"
"No…" Admiral Janeway responded wryly, "but Voyager isn't big enough for both of us. There's only one captain's stateroom and I don't feel like sharing a bathroom with you"
The older woman tilted her neck to the side and allowed Kathryn to inject her with a neurolytic pathogen that would deal a crippling blow to the Borg.
"Good luck, Admiral."
"I don't need luck."
Kathryn turned to leave, but the admiral caught her sleeve.
"There's just one more thing I'll ask of you. I promise."
"Yes?" Kathryn responded seriously.
"Quit denying that you want this baby. I postponed my appointment with the Doctor time and time again too until he finally cancelled the damn thing himself."
Captain Janeway nodded her agreement through watery eyes. She had already decided that for herself, but the admiral didn't need to know that.
The admiral continued, "You go home to your family, Kathryn, … to Mama and Phoebe. Let Mama know her grandson. She never got a chance to meet my Eddie. But please… leave Tom Paris alone. We don't belong in his life, Kathryn. We were never meant to be happy together. As hard as it feels right now, B'Elanna and Miral need Tom more than you do."
The older woman's voice was choked with emotion and Kathryn couldn't imagine what these words were costing her. She didn't have the heart to tell the older woman that Tom didn't want anything to do with her right now, anyway.
Instead, Kathryn simply replied, "I promise."
Kathryn caught the Admirals hand in her own and squeezed. The other Janeway's grip was firm. She looked up, and her eyes blazed with determination. Kathryn would realize later that this was the only time they ever touched. It was … surreal.
####
With the vessel safely in the Alpha Quadrant and a course set for Earth, Voyager's command team decided to meet the newest member of their family. Actually, it was Chakotay's idea. Visiting sickbay to see the three Paris' was the last thing Kathryn wanted to do. As callous as it sounded, she would not be knitting a monogrammed blanket for this Voyager baby.
Miral Paris was surprisingly small and delicate. For some absurd reason, Kathryn expected her to look like a miniature B'Elanna in full Klingon warrior gear. Instead, she appeared delicate and beautiful with a scattering of B'Elanna's dark hair and Tom's bright blue eyes. It was physically painful to look at her.
In the end, Kathryn could only handle being in sickbay for about two minutes before inventing an excuse about a scheduled communication with Starfleet. She could tell Chakotay knew it was a lie, but said nothing.
She ended up in the little used Forward Lounge on Deck Eight where she could observe the phalanx of ships escorting them towards Earth. Plus, it was deserted and she needed some privacy.
The more she thought about it, the more grateful she was to Admiral Janeway for getting them home. She would never know how her older self managed to live in the tiny town which Voyager represented for sixteen more years. At least, she would have the luxury of disappearing on a planet teeming with nine billion people.
Someone entered the lounge. Kathryn saw his reflection in the observation window, but chose not to react. It took all her willpower to not move. She wanted to run to him and tell him that how much she still loved him and tell him about the baby. She wanted them to sneak down to the never-used Aeroshuttle, nestled safely on the under hull of Voyager. They could be in the tiny shuttle and away before anyone realized they were missing.
She almost laughed at the absurdity of her idea. Three hundred years after opium smoking became obsolete and she just came up with the biggest pipe dream of them all.
Tom's voice was so quiet she almost didn't hear him.
"I just wanted to say thank you."
"For what?" Without turning to him, she replied to his reflection.
"Letting the admiral bring us home."
"I'm pleased it worked out."
They were both behaving in a very adult manner. Kathryn found all this civility very irritating.
Tom placed his hand on her shoulder and gently turned her to face him.
"Look, I just wanted to apologize for how I spoke to you. You were right; I was out of line."
She tried to look him in the eye, but couldn't hold his intense gaze, opting instead to stare down at the deck. "Well, we've all been behaving a bit out of character for the past few months, if truth be told."
"That's not completely true… Kathryn." He hesitated to use her name, not sure if he was allowed anymore. He lifted her chin until she met his eyes. He didn't want to talk to the top of her head. "Look, things are going to get crazy around here soon." He motioned with his eyes at the window where dozens of ships could be seen surrounding them. "Starfleet admirals, debriefings, families, reunions…"
He reached out and took her hands in his as she had done when he came to her quarters to convince her to bring Voyager home.
"I-I just wanted to say that had things been different…"
"Stop, Tom. You shouldn't … we shouldn't even be having this conversation."
"Yes, we should, damn it! I love you, Kathryn Janeway."
"We can't be together." God, it hurt to say that.
He released her hands and turned away from her while sweeping a hand raggedly through his hair.
"Don't you think I know that? I've tried to forget you. I've tried to hate you, even. It doesn't work. Nothing does."
"B'Elanna…"
Tom cut her off before she could complete her thought.
"You think I don't know what a scum I am? Yes! B'Elanna just had the baby and what am I doing? I'm chasing you through the ship because I'm so desperate to not lose you."
"Oh, Tom," Kathryn whispered through watery eyes, "I'm already lost."
I was never yours and you were never mine…
She opened her arms and he came to her, embracing tightly, knowing it would be for the last time.
TBC
Author's Notes:
Don't worry. This is just the end of a chapter, not the end of the story.
And there you have it - yet another reason for the admiral to come back.
Please take the time to leave a review. Thank you.
And coming up… how will their lives in the Alpha Quadrant go from here?
Oh, and how sappy is it that reading my own writing can bring me to tears?