Do you believe in second chances? Thirds? Fourths? Or is there only one try to get things right?
Sasuke is dying.
He is not in any emergency room. There are no doctors for one who has fallen as far as this. What about her had always made him reel? He finds himself slipping, losing his feeble footing on the daily flight. The window is rattling. Is it their breath? Have they caught up to him? He is forever running-sixteen and on the mooove.
They creep up his neck, nipping at his bones, immersing themselves in his unwashed black hair. A shudder passes through him. His teeth are chattering. What about him had always made him so fucking cold? Another image bangs on the door to his mind. Pressure, always the pressure, building and building, and now it is boiling over the top of his volcano…
Sasuke is desperately clawing through his backpack. The hunt is on. Window lets out a shrill whistle. All is breaking, all is breaking. When had they become two? Was it when they realized that only the pieces of two people broken completely in half could truly fit into each other?
Cold sweat. Gone. All gone. Incision in his brain is driving him insane. Kakashi? Oh, Kakashi? Why did you have to get a drink tonight? Thirty-five and burdeneeed, "Sorry to be heavy, but heavy is the cost." Hinata's favorite song. Muddled, so muddled. Invasions are never appreciated by the people left over. Present tense is being stolen by the past. Green army men quiver in their boots. Sasuke craves it; he needs it, though he doesn't want it. He feels him; he smells her.
It's coming, coming, coooming.
"You are not a paragon." Hinata took a swig of cheap beer. "Contrary to popular opinion."
"I love you," Sasuke answered.
Sasuke's name is called. He eases out of his chair-he has been sitting and waiting, for far too long. He strides to the podium, and confidently takes his certificate from the principal's red, cracked hands. Briefly glancing into the crowd, he can't believe what he's seeing.
Nervously, he walks quickly back to his seat, head down, eyes fixated on the dirty gym floor. Hinata leans over and whispers in his ear, "Fourteen and releaseeed."
Sasuke leans on his elbows, leaning on his knees, leaning on her. Figuratively, of course. "I saw him."
"Him?" Her breath is sharp.
"Yes," Sasuke replies.
She softly sighs. Understanding is the greatest burden. Tentatively, she curls her fingers into his. An act of unimaginable bravery, Sasuke accepts. His pulse is slowing. This has happened before, once. "Just hold on," she said, and she is saying it now. What a mantra. Wandering minds think alike. Sasuke takes a deep breath.
He looks back. Principal has ceased fire, and the parade of students has come to a close. There will be no greetings, no wishes of luck from him. Itachi has fled the scene early. The police are on their way, Sasuke thinks, no, knows. He wouldn't let himself get caught, not even to see his own little brother graduate middle school. Eight years and still on the run. A magnificent accomplishment for anyone, though not one to be respected.
The swarm closes in. Students are leaping from their chairs, whooping in elation and the pure ecstatic freeeeee that they are temporarily up to their chins in. Sasuke remains in his seat, holding Hinata down with him.
"Do you want a smoke?"
"No, thank you."
Rays of sunlight tunnel their way in through the leafy shield. They cast a sickly yellow pallor on Hinata's usually gray face-one that Sasuke enjoys. He breaths in the heat, closing his eyes and letting it settle on his face. The summer is in full glory, though the threat of high school looms closer, its shadow of gloom growing with each hour. July, July, oh the blessing and the placeholder you can be, and what wonders you held.
Her lips are raised in an indecipherable smile. Her eyes can't leave that rare joy on his face. Her leg dangles from the tree branch, swinging in the wind. Her darkhair flutters. Sasuke opens his eyes.
He is perched above her. Glancing down, he catches her eye. He isn't quite sure what he is seeing. Is that a yearning he is viewing? Or is it a glimmer of indecision? Or admiration? Inquisition? Affection? He, like a monkey, lowers himself to her branch. In his eyes, Sasuke sees what he wants to see.
Hinata blinks. When did his face get so close to hers? Those lips again, so small, so pink, so there…
Wrong move, wrong move! Sasuke nearly pulls away, but the vacuum is sucking him in. Neither of them have done this before, and that makes it all the more alluring. He rushes back to the playing field, seeking entrance to the major leagues. His tongue poking at the cracks, demanding an entrance. It is ushered in after a momentary delay. Hinata is still, malleable like clay. Sasuke molds her, directing her where to go without any experience of his own. She follows blindly, a little fearfully, though Sasuke wishes he wasn't aware of the latter.
He is the one to lean back, to whisper quietly, "Another day."
Her nod is just a slight shift of her chin. She blinks again, and her face flushes. "I should go home," she says quickly.
Sasuke lets her. He watches, engrossed by how nimbly she drops from branch to branch, immersed in her thighs clutching the rough bark as she shimmies down the rest of the trunk.
Oh, July…
"I punish you for what you do, not what I'm drinking," she whimpered. "It was something like that."
"I have an idea."
The needle is so comforting, piercing into his skin, releasing its chemicals like a wave of ecstasy. It is almost sexual, this healing. In fact, it's better than sex. Sasuke would rather shoot up any day. Besides, who is left to for him to fuck? Hinata is gone. He saw her with Kiba the other night. He tried Sakura, but the feeling, the feeling… She was not light, effortless, and beautifully decomposed like Hinata. Sakura didn't fit into him right. She couldn't have a conversation. She wouldn't smoke a joint. She was wrong, and her presence was too, what was that song that Hinata had loved? "Personal." Sakura was heavy, too impersonal. Choked up by her little crush. Not free with him. Not Hinata.
The orgasmic rush. His veins pulse. The world is slowing down. Sasuke's mouth is a desert. He giggles. Who gives a fuck if there's no one to fuck? He bends his elbow, letting his arm sway from the joint. His hand is an anchor, so heavy and immoveable. The October chill is so warm; Sasuke is so warm. The window is open. Is that where the cold breeze is coming from? He peeks out the window. He spots him, standing across the street, gazing solemnly up at Kakashi's apartment. "What the fuck are you looking at?" Sasuke taunts, each word slow and dragged out. Nothing like his heartbeat.
No answer.
"They're going to find you, you know," Sasuke shouts, tapping his fingers on the windowsill, shifting from foot to foot.
Itachi smiles. Or did he? Sasuke is jelly; he is swaying like Hinata's leg in the wind.
"I don't care that you're here!" Sasuke shrieks in a joyful slur. "I could fucking care less!"
The grin is spreading across that ash face. His dark, uncut hair obscures his eyes. Sasuke's pupils, barely visible, are constricted. The circles surround his eyes, pointing their guns. He can't sleep. He doesn't eat. He just shoots uuuuup, and dooooown he falls.
Emotions. Fading.
Leaning back on his heels, he crumbles.
Consciousness. Fading.
He is on the nod; he is on the stumble. He is losing this battle with him, but he has lost the battle with her. Sasuke's hands won't move. They are so heavy, one hundred pounds too much for Sasuke to consider attempting to lift. Thirsty. So thirsty. His feet are heavier than his hands. Movement is taboo.
Sasuke can't get the image of him out of his head. Ten years of running, to what? Was it the chicken or the weed that came first? Sasuke giggles at his own ingenuity. Nodding, nodding, fading, fading. Goodbye, Sasuke, the syringe whispers. You are in my domain.
"You'll get a car, and we'll drive everywhere. We'll ride it over the oceans and go to America! We'll start in Oregon and drive to New York and then maybe we'll backtrack and build a home, start a family somewhere in Wisconsin or maybe in Minnesota. Somewhere cold. Somewhere far away from here. We'll never have to pop a pair of tires again, because we'll have our own."
"This is beautiful!" Hinata laughs, leaning out the car window. Her hair is a dark trail behind her; it is whipping in a violent dance orchestrated by the perpetual wind. Sasuke smiles back at her. Summer, again, and free. One year down, three to go. They thrive with the sense of progress.
The hills scroll by. Purple waves soaring, obscuring the city lights of Konoha. The grass flutters with a shallow breeze. They are driving fast. Too fast, naturally, for sixteen and fifteen. Too fast for anyone, really. Hinata's eyes are closed and the corners of her mouth are turned upwards and the serenity is just too lovely to imagine. Silently, Sasuke thanks Kakashi for the birthday present. A shitty old car is a dream come true to a teenager who just needs to be on the move. Always on the move.
The radio is blasting Velvet Underground's "Heroin." The White Stripes have faded with time and have been replaced with a new sound. Shikamaru, too, is gone, reclusing for the summer in a wilderness extravaganza, hiding from his ex? girlfriend. "Have you ever tried it?" Hinata yells over the wind.
"Tried what?" Sasuke glances from the road to peek at her alabaster skin.
"Heroin!" she shouts back.
"No," Sasuke answers. "I haven't."
He can feel her smile warming his face. "Good," she laughs jovially. "Promise me you won't?"
"I promise."
"I love you, Sasuke."
"I love you, too."
"What's that on your wrists?"
"Is love undone by sex?" Hinata rolls over on Sasuke's bed to look at him, a faint blush on her cheeks.
"I don't know. I don't think so," Sasuke muses, perched on the edge of his bed. "What about you?"
"I don't know." She is staring at the ceiling now. Avoidance is her forte. "That's why I'm asking you."
"Does your dad know you're here?" Sasuke lays down next to her, facing her.
"N-no," she stammers slightly. "He doesn't even know you're alive."
"I guess it's better that way." Sasuke wishes she would look at him.
"It is," Hinata says, complying with Sasuke's unspoken request.
"Since it's only three in the morning, first semester, freshman year," Sasuke smirks, "what would you like to do?"
"I don't want to go home," she whispers.
He kisses her gently, her lips, her hair. She is always in doubt, but she will he sway. Going down, easing away the layers of clothing, almost as if he is peeling an onion. Her moving back, going up his chest, nuzzling his neck, breathing hard, trembling incessantly. His tongue is paving new roads never traveled before. Her breaths are slight and warm and tickle his ear. She has never been this exposed, Sasuke knows. A slight scratching on his neck, a few tentative bites, her fingers kneading his scalp. Long shuddering sigh, content perhaps, frightened, perhaps.
She is naked and she is crying, and it is so heartbreakingly beautiful. Her clothes litter the floor, her tears slip down Sasuke's face. "I'm so scared," she whispers.
"I have a condom," Sasuke murmurs. Truth. Just in case.
"What happens if we lose?" She is shaking so hard. Sasuke is so hard. This is so hard.
"We won't lose," Sasuke answers confidently.
"I mean, what happens if this is it? What if after tonight, you never talk to me again? What if I wake up and you're not here? I-I can't…I can't…"
"Hinata," Sasuke reaches under his pillow, drawing out a pack of cigarettes, and then continues, "Stop doubting everything. You can trust in some stuff."
"Like what?" Hinata bites her lip.
Sasuke grabs a lighter from his pocket. Whoooosh. Breathing in and releasing, he's careful not to get ash on his bed. Kakashi doesn't wash the bedding often. "I'm here," Sasuke answers.
She smiles slightly, if not sadly. She buries her head in his chest, murmurs softly, "Are you real?"
He grabs her wrists, kissing each of them. Hinata shivers. He kisses her on the mouth, finally. "Yes."
"You need to stop."
"I'll stop when you do."
Was it all of the weed that had made him say it? Or was it the beer? He is dangling his leg like he did so long ago, but today he is perched on the hood of his car, rather than the ancient oak. Gone. She has run away. He opened his mouth and the words, once pent up like chickens in a coop, were spat out, harsh and brutal, not all true, though mostly they were.
He hadn't meant to make her cry. Honest. He just needed a break from all of the accusations, that was all! She had backed away from him just as she had backed away from the drugs and now she is sobbing and away so far away and it's his fault and why does he feel like he has just seen him?
Creeping through the rippling grasses-it must be him! Overriding thoughts of her, thoughts of everyone, washed away with the simple image. Sasuke leaps from the hood, stumbling and falling as he hits the ground. Dirt on his face, dirt on his black shirt, he shakily rises again. The search has resumed.
With bloodshot eyes, he flies. Ducking into the grasses, throwing himself after the imaginary trail of footprints in the dust. Why hasn't he found him yet? Sixteen-sixteen and never stooopping…oh, shut up, Hinata!-years of mostly ceaseless hunting, and now Sasuke is so close he can smell the dried blood, the dusky cologne. His hand, outstretched, reaching, reaching…
He falls forward. Pitching, tumbling, stumbling, crumbling. Eyes inch open. Realization dawns.
Shouldn't he be chasing her?
No, he decides. Not now.
Curling up in the dirt, he sleeps.
Author's Notes: This is likely to be the last update on Anthems for a while, though the story still has at least four chapters left. I have found myself caught up in the nasty frenzy of the great plot bunny, and I have bowed down to it and sworn my current allegiance. For anyone interested, I have included the URL of this new horror fic. Thank you for reading, and I am truly sorry for the long wait and the hiatus.
/s/6777848/1/Other_Towns_and_Cities
Thank you,
Letter To Miss, March 3rd 2011