Notes: This story takes place in the "A Southern Californian in King Cailan's Court" universe. The heroine, Lucy Woodridge, is transplanted into Elissa Cousland's body. This story involves frolicking about without clothes so shouldn't be read by tender eyes! You have been warned. Avert thine eyes, yon tender-eyed ones!

R&R and I'll name any babies that result from this unholy union after you!

Plausible Deniability

Or Things That Never Happened (but I sort of wish had)

Ostagar

My second day of insanity began at the crack of dawn when Elissa's dog, Liam, charged into my tent and slobbered on me, panting and wagging and doing things dogs do to dog-people. Only I'm not dog-people… too bad Liam didn't know it. As far as he knew I was his mistress, Elissa Cousland. Mabari are smart, but he wasn't following my explanation of time-space continuum and dimensional shifts. It didn't really matter; I'd made it all up anyway. I had no idea how I'd ended up in this weird place as a Blue Woggan.

I'd dreamed of really awful creatures, darkspawn apparently, and a big purple dragon who certainly never starred in a kid's show. The archdemon. That was what Duncan said that thing was. I wondered if a line of plushies featuring the archdemon might be a popular item for kids in this place. Well, judging from what I'd seen so far, they might be a few years off from making that fake acrylic fur in that particular shade of purple. At least I knew no one had trademarked that design yet.

Bits of yesterday's events came back to me. I had fallen asleep on my sofa listening to very late night TV and awoken here, in Ostagar, in Elissa Cousland's body. She'd just undergone the Joining ritual. Duncan and Alistair had been very puzzled by me, but they'd taken me to the meeting with Loghain – rather handsome fellow, my age, but with a sour attitude – and the King – a bit of a doofus, but extremely handsome, and quite shiny. At the meeting I convinced myself I was having a sex dream and might have acted out a bit. All right, I acted out a lot, making kissy lips at Cailan and trying to provoke Duncan. I think I might have even blown a kiss to Loghain… I don't recall.

In the end, Duncan and Alistair escorted me away from the meeting convinced Elissa Cousland had been possessed by a desire demon. We'd gotten that resolved when a Grey Warden mage had determined I wasn't possessed but there was something very odd about me. I figured that I'd probably just gone insane. However, if this was insanity, I was going to enjoy it.

The planned sortie at Ostagar had been postponed, due to my condition and Duncan's clever lies, so I could have a few days to figure out how to become Elissa Cousland. Yesterday they'd tried to cram me full of what I needed to know. I hoped I had retained it.

I groaned and pushed the drooling mabari out of my face and sat up. Elissa's body apparently didn't mind sleeping on a thin bedroll on the ground. God knows, my old (literally) body would've had a hard time of it. I got up and dressed and emerged from my tent-y cocoon into the hustle and bustle… and stink… of a military encampment.

"Ah good, you're awake," Duncan spotted me and rushed over to me, probably before I could do anything dangerous. "Go to my tent and we'll get started with your day's lessons."

As if to answer, my stomach rumbled loudly. "Breakfast?" I asked.

He herded me toward his tent. "I'll see you're given breakfast right away, but in my tent."

"Where do I wash up?" I was prepared for some roughing it, like campground style showers.

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "We're a little short of luxurious amenities here… Elissa." He used my assumed name, trying to get me used to it.

"That would explain the pervasive smell of unwashed bodies, I suppose. So… I'm guessing no hot showers or baths?" I couldn't let the topic rest, I liked being clean.

Duncan frowned at me and shook his head. "Not unless you can talk Loghain or the King into using their tub."

"Oh?" I perked up with the news. "Loghain probably wouldn't, but I think the King kind of likes me."

The frown turned to scowl and Duncan pointed at his tent. "I think the King likes you too. All the more reason for you to stay away. Into the tent, Warden."

He gave me that delicious glare that just made me want to disobey. Maybe my first instinct had been right, perhaps this was a sex dream. I couldn't help the saucy smile, but I turned and went to his tent. I seated myself at the table and waited on his return. Fortunately it didn't take too long. He brought me a huge plate of food, a pot of tea, and a large mug of ale. "God, you people start a bit early boozing it up, dotcha?" Still, it smelled really good so I quaffed it.

"The water is of dubious quality here," he said. "Best to stick to tea or fermented beverages."

I felt the ale go straight to my head but I launched into my breakfast and barely heard another word Duncan said. I cleaned my plate of everything, no matter how strange it looked or odd it smelled. When Duncan turned his back on me I even quickly licked it clean. Food had never tasted so amazingly good.

Duncan turned back around. "Ready to start your training for the day?"

I nodded. I wasn't really. I was slightly buzzed and starting to think that it wasn't every day one goes insane. I really should take advantage of my delusions and enjoy myself. Still, what if I wasn't insane? That possibility nibbled at the back of my mind. What if I really had fallen into a wormhole in the space-time continuum, like I'd explained to the dog, and ended up here. Then my acting irresponsibly might get me killed or thrown into the stockade.

"What's the chance I'm not insane?" I asked myself.

"Two percent, give or take a couple of percentage points," I answered authoritatively, as if I actually knew.

I mulled it over. The odds sounded pretty good I was nuts. I decided to ignore the fact I'd just made up that probability.

"All right, then," Duncan said, intruding on my internal debate. "Let's review what you learned yesterday. Tell me about yourself… Elissa."

"I am Elissa Cousland, twenty years old, youngest daughter of Bryce and Ellen, sister to Fergus."

"Eleanor," Duncan corrected me.

"Right… Bryce and Eleanor. My father and mother are… Terr… Terrans?" I shook my head. That couldn't be right. "Terns?"

"Your father is Teyrn and your mother is…" Duncan began to correct me but a scratching noise at the tent flap stopped him. "Enter," he said.

Alistair ducked in. "Duncan, there seems to be an issue with our mages and the revered mother. I think you might need to come mediate."

Duncan sighed and rubbed at his brow. His frustration was obvious. "All right." He turned to me and fixed me with a dark stare. "Wait here, Elissa."

I nodded somberly, trying my best to look like I was taking all this seriously.

He and Alistair left and I started to think about that bath again. "Why the hell not?" I finally decided the matter and carefully lifted the tent flap. I looked to see if anyone was watching, but all eyes were drawn to Duncan, Alistair, some guys wearing robes and a woman with a symbol on her chest. I took off, walking very quietly and nonchalantly out of the Grey Warden encampment.

I figured I'd try my luck with Loghain first. I stopped sneaking and strode up to the general's tent. Usually there was a guard outside, but he was missing at the moment. This would be easier than I thought.

"Knock, knock!" I said.

"Maker! What is it?" I heard a rough voice answer. I knew that growly voice from yesterday's meeting. It had to be Terran Loghain.

I pulled back the tent flap and went in. "Just me. I was wondering…"

Loghain stood up and towered over me, glaring in that very intimidating way he had. "Cousland or not, you don't just barge into my tent, girl."

I smiled. I was insane, it was fine. "I know and I apologize, but it was quite necessary."

For a moment his glare lightened and he looked concerned. "Is something wrong?"

I nodded, my head bouncing like a bobble-dolls. "Very! The Grey Wardens don't have a tub or a shower and I desperately need a bath."

I thought for a moment he might reach out and grab me. I hoped he would, he was quite an attractive man for his age… and I was quite insane. Who says insanity has to be all serious and unfun? If I should ever become sane again, I'd write a book about how much fun being delusional could be if you just went with it.

"You interrupted me, in the midst of my writing detailed battle plans to tell me you need a bath?" He came closer to me, his hands opening and closing menacingly.

I tilted my head up at him and smiled. "I'm a dirty, dirty girl." I laced that statement with every bit of innuendo I could muster.

He looked like I'd just clobbered him with a brick. "Maker…" he said. "Are you quite insane?" He seemed genuinely puzzled.

"That's my theory. Look, I know you and the King have tubs. I figured I'd ask you first, but if you truly don't want me to use your tub, then I'll go ask your son-in-law. I got the feeling he might be receptive to the notion."

A large, hand clasped around my bicep. "That would be a very poor notion, indeed," he replied, a snarl curling his lip, but there was something in his eye: Amusement? Lust? Both?

"Very well, then! Thanks so much."

He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I should have you thrown into a cell for this… this…"

"Bath," I provided helpfully.

"Maker's balls… Take your damn bath, girl, and be quick about it. I hope you don't expect this every day."

I decided to spare him the information that, yes, I did in fact, expect to bathe every day. "Jeeves," I said, turning to his manservant, "please see to her ladyship's bath." After all, I was supposed to be Elissa Cousland, one of the highest and snootiest nobles in the land. My impersonation worked well enough to send his servant scuttling off to bring water. I briefly wondered why servants scuttled when other people hurry or run. I suppose it had something to do with comparing the lower classes to bugs since beetles do, in fact, scuttle. Inhabiting the body of noblewoman was bound to affect my egalitarian views sooner or later, and it appeared to be sooner.

I sat down on a stool and began unlacing my boots. Loghain turned away and sat down at his desk and began writing again, his quill scratching against paper. Something told me he wasn't entirely focused on his work. I swear if he'd had eye-stalks they would've been turning in my direction. I shimmied out of my leggings while still keeping on my leather warskirt thingie and I managed to figure out how to take off my cuirass. I had on some sort of padded… thing… under that. I totally didn't know what all these pieces were called and I could barely dress myself in them anyway.

As I partially undressed a parade of servants brought in steaming water and poured it into the tub. Finally it was full enough.

"Your ladyship's bath is ready," Jeeves said. I could totally detect sarcasm. He opened up a sort of screen that partitioned the bath from the rest of the tent then he handed me some neatly folded cloth.

Ah! It was what passes for a towel here, I realized. It was a very, very sad towel. There was no fluff, absolutely no nubby terrycloth texture to it. Still, drying myself was far off into the future. I might wake up in the insane asylum before I even got to toweling off. Right now my attention was entirely focused on hot, steaming water. I went behind the screen and took off the rest of my clothes, throwing them over the screen.

"Bubbles...Yes bubbles would be nice," I said, sighing at the plain, un-bubbly, un-perfumed water.

"Darkspawn that lie down and die without fighting would be nice too," I heard Loghain grumble.

I lifted a toe over the edge of the tub and tested the waters… very hot! "Oh!" I squeaked. I could do this. I eased a leg into it sighing loudly. "Oh god, that's good." I admit I might have thrown a moan or two into mix. I may have sounded fairly orgasmic as I slid into the steamy tub.

"Maker, girl. Keep it down, we don't need to set the entire camp to talking," he grumped.

"Sorry it's just - oooooh, yes! yes! - really lovely." I sighed and leaned back. "Oh, wait. I think Jeeves forgot the soap. Could you get it for me?"

"I don't know what you're used to, Cousland, but I am not your servant."

"Of course you're not. You're an agreeable, reasonable person performing a small task for another person in the way we people of Ferelden do kindnesses for one another. Besides, you never know when you might need a favor from me. Tit for tat, so to speak." I looked down at myself noting the very hot water was making both my tit and my tat red.

"You sound exactly like your mother." I heard him grumble but he did get up and rooted around the tent, looking for the soap I supposed. "Andraste's flaming… I have no idea where… Ah, there it is." He tried to move the screen aside but managed to knock it over and break it. "Maker's ass!" He looked at me, lounging nakedly in the tub and he turned nearly as red as my tat.

"Oh good! You found it." I sat up in the tub so that my assets rose pertly out of the water.

He tried to hand me the soap without looking at me, but dropped it and it slid under the bathtub. "Shit!" He got down on his hands and knees, then his side, as he reached under the tub with his arm, trying to grasp the soap.

I put my chin on the edge of the tub and watched him, trying hard not to laugh. Finally he emerged from halfway under the tub with the bar of soap grasped firmly in his hand. "Your soap, madam."

I put out my hand and he put the bar of soap into it. I reached out with my other hand and placed it on top of his and smiled coyly. This was all part of my program. Since I was clearly insane, I could spice up my delusion a bit. "This tub is large, Loghain. The water is hot and the soap is very slippery… I might need some help with this bath." I traced a line down his neck with a wet finger. "Tell the guard to keep everyone away and let's wash each other's back." I arched an eyebrow suggestively.

He narrowed his eyes and his scowl deepened. I wasn't sure if he was going to reach out and strangle me, sock me in the nose, or kiss me. He surprised me and got up. He kicked the screen aside, breaking it even further, and strode to the entrance to the tent. "Soldier," he growled at the guard who had apparently returned to his post at some point, "I'm taking a bath and I do not, under any circumstances, want to be disturbed. Clear?"

"As you say, Your Grace," the soldier replied, crisply.

I watched from the tub, languidly soaping up my arms, as he began to undress. He watched me like a hawk and I watched him watching me. Slowly he unbuttoned his shirt and I languorously rubbed the soap across my chest and up my neck, making something of a show for him. That made him speed up the undressing a little.

He peeled his shirt off and I inhaled a bit in appreciation of his musculature. I could certainly understand the sort of strength it would take to wield that enormous sword he carried and that heavy plate mail. He was also a roadmap with scars. I was going to have a lot of fun seeing exactly where that scar ended up that started on his outer thigh and curved around. "Mmmm… they grow them big in Gwaren, apparently." I wanted to show off what I'd learned about him yesterday in Duncan's endless lecturing.

"I didn't grow up in Gwaren." He strode over to the side of the tub and shed his trousers.

My eyes grew bigger. Wherever he'd grown up, they'd used Miracle Grow on him.

He gestured for me to slide down the tub so he could crawl in behind me, to scrub my back I supposed, and then he eased himself into the tub much as I had. It was a big tub, but water sloshed out as he got in. It was going to be a terrible mess for poor Jeeves to clean up.

"Soap."

He said it like he was issuing an order. I held up the bar, well out of his reach. "Yes, it is soap."

"Hand it over."

"I'm prepared to negotiate for the hostage, but as I see it, you're on weak ground for demanding terms. One false move and the soap gets it."

There was a shifting of a sizeable body, his, and I suddenly found myself pinioned against his massive chest with my arms held down to my sides. One of his hands plucked the bar of soap (my hostage) out of my hands. "That's the last order you'll disobey, Cousland."

Whoa! That was fun! "Yessir," I said meekly, craning my neck so I could look back and see him. He let go of me.

"You wanted your back washed. Sit up and hold still so I can do it."

I leaned forward and he glided the soap over my back then with his hands worked it into lather. I was surprised at how gentle he could be. The hand with soap slid down my back toward my bottom.

"Stand."

Again with the one word sentences! The man seemed to shun nouns and all the other parts of speech. Still, his command held appeal so I stood. The bar of soap slid over the backs of my legs and then my buttocks. It disappeared for a moment and then his hands worked up lather again. He was taking a rather long time with my behind; his fingers skimmed across its breadth then its length, and then worked at the top of the seam. I held my breath wondering if… Answer supplied! His fingers parted my hemisphere and one prodded that spot, looking for entrance into an exit.

"Loghain?" I asked open-endedly, my voice rising in pitch as the finger worked into me.

"You wanted your back cleaned, Warden. I'm merely obliging. Now, be still." He barked that last bit like another order.

His free hand rubbed the bar of soap across my stomach and then lower. He dropped the soap into the tub with a splash and then began working the newly soaped area into a foamy lather. I might have exclaimed rather loudly as his soapy fingers slid past very sensitive parts of me, because suddenly I heard his son-in-law's voice asking the guard who was in Loghain's tent.

Loghain extracted his hands from various orifices and pulled me back into the water, clamping a hand over my mouth.

"Warden, if you so much as squeak…" he threatened me quietly.

"Mmmph!" I tried to ask him what he'd do. I couldn't properly evaluate whether or not I wanted to risk his ire until I knew the nature of the punishments.

"Err…" we heard the guard clearing his throat. "The Teyrn is taking a bath and doesn't wish to be disturbed." The soldier skirted the question so adroitly I felt he had the makings of a fine political career.

"That's not what I asked, soldier. I will repeat the question. Who is in that tent with my father-in-law?"

There was a lengthy silence as I supposed the poor soldier was contemplating whether dying for treasonously lying to the king, or from being flogged to death by the Teyrn.

"It's the new Warden, Majesty," he finally admitted.

I looked at Loghain as we heard his guard confessing. He looked almost murderous.

A peal of laughter rang out. "Really? Loghain is taking a bath with the Cousland girl? I simply have to see this."

"Ser… err… Your Majesty… He really doesn't wish to be disturbed." I could hear the desperation in the poor guard's voice.

"I bet he doesn't!" Cailan said.

The flap of the tent was thrown open and King Cailan strode in. The sunlight caught his golden armor and it blinded me for a moment, I squinted against the glare. I could see Loghain trying to sink to the bottom of the tub.

"Ha! Loghain, I don't believe it! You old dog." Cailan's eyes raked over me. "I dare say, Lady Cousland, you're every bit as luscious as I'd imagined you to be." He pouted a bit. "I'm so hurt you chose Loghain over me."

Loghain straightened up and confronted his son-in-law directly. "You're married, in case you forgot." He still held his hand clamped over my mouth.

"About that…" Cailan started to say.

"Mmmph!" I bit Loghain's hand.

"Ouch!" He dropped his hand and looked at me threateningly. I'm quite certain if the King hadn't been standing there I would have been spanked. Well, I dream, can't I?

I was insane and this entire situation had proven it. Nothing like this could exist in reality. Therefore I could freely say or do whatever I wanted with fear of consequences. "Well, that settles it then! In the spirit of family unity, the Maker, this blessed land, his exalted monarch and royal subjects, I think we should do the civilized thing and share our bounty."

Loghain and Cailan seemed to muse over my words as if they made some sort of sense. They were utter nonsense, of course, but I'd said them with such authority and gravitas that sounded perfectly reasonable.

"The Cousland's were always known for their skillful diplomacy. I see you inherited your family's gifted tongue," Cailan said smiling at me.

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "I could show you exactly how gifted…"

"Maker, yes!" He began to strip off his armor with alacrity.

I hurriedly rinsed the suds off my body and made to step out of the tub but Loghain yanked me back in. "What about tit for tat? My back is still unwashed."

"Ah, my apologies." I seized the soap and began to lather his back. My hands worked the trail of soap into lather. I followed ropey muscles and long scars and ended up tracing more interesting lines and curves over his well-developed pectoral muscles and down a washboard stomach. I could feel the dented area where lean waist met slender hips

Royal hands lifted me and a third person climbed into the tub behind me, settling me just in front of him. A tub, I remind you, gentle reader, although large, built for one person. I had to sit nearly on Cailan's lap and both my feet and Cailan's were wrapped around Loghain's hips. It was an awkward moment or two as the pair of men tried to shift around in the tub so they didn't actually have to touch each other, yet could still lay claim to my body.

The tub teetered precariously on its clawed feet and water sloshed out everywhere. Jeeves was going to have a hell of a mess to clean up. There was grunting, glaring and I was being twisted like a pretzel between them as they fought over tub territory. Finally there was a great cracking sound and one of the clawed feet on the bathtub broke and the whole thing spilled onto its side, dumping the three of us out onto the floor of the tent where we flailed like fish.

"This was a great idea," I said as I gained my feet, dripping wet, "but the venue needs work."

"There's one person too many here," Loghain glowered at his naked son-in-law.

"Should I leave?" I asked.

"No!" They both declared together.

I pointed at the bed and shrugged.

"Ah, yes, a bed! A bit plebian but serviceable. Would you allow me, Lady Cousland?" The king gallantly offered his arm and I took it.

Loghain glowered but let me loop my arm through his on the other side.

We fell on the bed, bodies still wet and warm from the bath. No worries, it'll all soon be wetter anyway, I thought.

I inverted myself and proceeded to show the two nobles my diplomacy skills. My clever tongue first addressed His Majesty, as protocol would dictate. I must say he was thoroughly consumed by my negotiations, but I knew if I were to score a diplomatic coup I'd need to win the Teyrn's approval as well. One in hand, the other in mouth, I argued my case the best I knew how. By the guttural exclamations coming from Loghain, I knew I was winning my argument.

The southernmost regions of my realm were being explored by the tenacious Fereldans. Loghain's fascination with the badlands continued from our time in the tub. He once again parted my fleshy half-orbs and sought out the starfish again. When the sea creature refused to open he disappeared for a time and, when he returned, I felt a drizzle of oil falling on me from above.

Meanwhile the king was paying court to my lady parts and an assumption I had made was laid, as it were, to rest: My generation did not invent oral sex.

Between the fore and afting I was receiving, I began to lose track of my task. My hands and mouth didn't move with the alacrity that King and Teyrn wished. There was a rude shoving in the astern that Loghain used to get my attention.

"Get back to it, Warden," Loghain growled.

"Mmmmph!" I answered not-so-crisply.

"Dear Loghain, I believe we need to rethink our battle plan. This Warden must scale not one tower, but two. What do you think?" The king said.

Loghain nodded agreeably. "I think we can definitely leave the mages out of this battle plan. My bed isn't that big."

"Aye, and they're rather old and ugly. No, this Warden can light my beacon anytime," Cailan said. "Shall we dice for who gets the demon's doorway?"

I felt like I was being discussed like a turkey about to be carved for dinner.

"No need, son, I've been preparing the way and it seems to be a tight fit. A little friction is a good thing, and a lot of friction is a very, very good thing."

I began to fear for my demon's doorway. I had a very good look at the Teyrn's tower and it was monumental, indeed! Nonetheless I was hauled up the bed and wedged between the two nobles like a piece of bologna in a sandwich.

"Hold, a moment, Cailan," Loghain said. "This is a delicate maneuver. I wouldn't wish to cause the Warden undue distress." I'm sure he was smirking as he said it but my back was to him so I couldn't confirm that. Sudden I felt his siege engine battering at the demon's doorway. "However, due distress, is another matter entirely."

Tears came to my eyes, unbidden, as he gained access. Pain? Oh, a little. But more like it was such a novel sensation that it overwhelmed me.

Cailan seeing my look of distress chided his father-in-law. "Have a care, Loghain! History will tell of this glorious encounter with King, Grey Warden, and the Hero of the River Dane and you'll quite ruin the story if you harm our dear Warden."

"History had better not be telling this story," Loghain grumbled. "I'll have every historian in the country thrown in prison if I must."

"I'm okay," I said, stoically. I was better than okay. The demon's doorway was more accommodating than one might imagine and endorphins were flowing. I could take it and, perhaps, even enjoy it.

"Then, I dare say, it's my turn," the king said. He pushed me back into Loghain's arms as he took the Imperial highway to heaven.

The shriek I uttered was quickly dampened by the Teyrn's hand. "Quiet Warden, we really don't need to cause a scandal."

I collected my wits, feeling so intensely stuffed. I wondered if any woman had had so many heads of state… I cut that thought deservedly short. Besides, the main event had started. The men were beginning to move. There was nothing I could do but try to limit my vocalizations to whimpers of pleasure as they pushed me back and forth. One thrust me one way, the other thrust me back.

"Ah, I dare say, I think I can feel you, Loghain. Imagine the glorious tales…" the king started to say.

"Shut it, Cailan. There's only one tail I'm interested in right now," Loghain growled through gritted teeth.

The double-pummeling became more frenzied and the king's pale complexion began to get ruddy. Loghain's breath came hot and hard against my neck and he started to sound like a locomotive going up a tall hill. My own cries were getting higher pitched and louder. I began calling out directions like a movie producer: "Faster, Loghain! Yes, Cailan. That's it! No, a bit to the left. My left. Oh dammit, I'll do it myself."

It started with Loghain. The poor, old dear froze with a throaty shout and I could feel his contribution to the Deep Roads. He held me against his rigid body as he continued to thrust while his paroxysm still held him.

I was next. My peak was brutal and wonderful. I felt the spasms coursing through me and I yanked and flailed about. I might have fallen off the bed if Loghain hadn't had firm hold of me.

Then the contagious climax afflicted the king. "Celene!" he yelled out. He crashed against me one last time. I'd recovered enough I could hold him.

I assumed it was Loghain's daughter's name. How sweet he would shout her name while being unfaithful to her. I could only admire the beautiful golden king of Ferelden.

We three recovered ourselves and dressed hurriedly. There was some unspoken tension between the men but I kissed them sweetly and thanked Loghain for the use of the tub. I left hoping I'd be back to the Grey Warden camp before Duncan missed me.

What would Loghain think when I showed up for a bath tomorrow? But I decided I'd certainly have woken up from this mad delusion and be safely ensconced in my strait-jacket by then.

Fin

Notes: This is a response to Cheeky Monkey's of Dragon Age Challenge to write a terrible threesome involving the poor, old Teyrn Loghain by Tyanilth—check out her stories, they're awesome. Anyway, she rewards these smutty gems in her fic, "The Teyrn's Revenge". Quite amusing! I'm eagerly awaiting Loghain's response to horrible, smutty fiction about improbable couplings.

I'd love any feedback.