Not mine, but this trifle is.

Chapter 4 Keys, Choices and a Kiss

I sat there, frustrated, head in my hands. Smile gone. Elbows on the nasty ass table. Bella had been gone ten minutes. Locked in the bathroom. Snorting, crying or raging. I hadn't a clue. The things that could go through the mind of a stoned out idiot in ten minutes is ridiculous. What if's and paranoia. Triumph over.

The cokes came and the waitress saw my change in demeanor. She should've known. I had nothing for her. Any guy with Bella next to him, had nothing for anyone else.

I thought about what I could choose to do when she came back. I didn't have to be cut apart anymore. I could continue on with this bravado and push her, make it easier for her to walk. I could let her destroy herself, leaving me only mildly scathed. Lie. Irrevocably damaged more like. I wasn't even sure I loved her enough anymore. I could do this. I could let her go. Damaged I would end up, but I would have myself for the first time.

For the first time. I could go on a date with a girl I had no history with. I could make a decision that didn't weigh the repercussions it would have on Bella. I could be guiltless. I could close my window at night. The urge to walk away had never been stronger. Had never felt as real. And I wasn't even wondering what she would do. How my dear Bella would fare.

I knew how she was doing now. Blind to her own demise. Not realizing her own selfishness was going to tear her up. I knew it, she didn't. And she wanted more. Always more. I didn't know where she'd end, but being there for her wasn't working. She didn't see. The craving ruled her. That craving she had for life, for taste, for more. She was dying her metaphorical death right in front of me and here I was, figuring ways to let her.

My keys weighed heavy in my pocket. The metallic jingle they produced as I reached down to finger them validated me. They were perfect for relieving the itch in my hands to do something. I could take them out of my pocket and head back to the car. I could turn the engine on and back out of the parking lot. I could get on that I-5 with nothing but my shit and an empty passenger seat. My hand squeezed around the keys, leaving indentations. I moved my legs out of the booth, like moving a mack truck. I pulled a twenty out of my pocket and held it in my fist. I felt the wet prick my eyes. I stood up, conflicted but decisive. Bella could manage. She would be just fine.

"Excuse me, son. Did you want me to tell that young lady you're with to meet you outside? Don't want her getting lost now."

I looked over to the interloping customers in the booth behind us. He was older, early forties maybe. Blonde with kind eyes. Understanding eyes. This guy saw more than the contours that defined my appearance, more than the clothes I was wearing. The woman next to him stared through me. If I thought the man's sight was deep, I was stunned by her gaze. So much so, that I barely registered her brown velvet hair, wide eyes and angelic appearance. Something about her commanded attention and reverence. Respect for the things she could give. Comfort and knowledge. It made me stop.

"Um, I'm not going anywhere." Shame flooded my face. He knew what I was about to do.

"I didn't mean to interrupt. I just thought my wife, Esme, and I could be of use. We overheard." I hung my head and sat back down. "I'm Carlisle by the way."

"Edward." I let the name fall from me, sickened to put a definition on my person at this moment.

"Where are you going Edward?" The wife, Esme, asked. I could answer that question in many different ways. Going away. Going to college. Escaping. Ditching. I don't know.

"School."

"I remember when I left home. It was one of the moments, as I pulled out of the driveway. It was defining. I left and all of a sudden things were new and great. But after time, I had to look back and see that those little bits of self that I loved were fading. So entered my twenties and there I was. Grasping for what I left behind. Reconciling what I had become. Learning." Was this lady insane?

"Um, okay."

"I'm telling you this because I see and I heard you two. You are in one of those moments right now. The choices you make right now will define you. Repercussions will not be denied. I just thought that you should know." I sat there, letting the back of my head face them. Letting Esme's words wash through me. If I walked out right now. How long would it take me to forget what I had done? Never. How long would it take me to at least come to terms with what I wanted to do? Never. So in actuality, my defining moment wasn't one at all. It was cement to the life I had led with Bella. Cement to keep me poised on her periphery. Cement to keep her at my forefront.

"I think you may be mistaken. This is just par for the course with Bella and I. She needs and I provide. So really. Nothing defining here."

"Edward, I know this is inexcusable prying, but what about when you need. You need right now. Everything about you screams it. The way you push her. The way you lashed out at her. The way you hang your head afterwards. The way you tried to escape." Carlisle wasn't being astute I realized. I was an open book tonight and easily readable. You could place me in the children's section. Bella had too much of an ADD quality in her reading. Never focused enough to truly see the layers of the story. To see the fine line my character walked.

I was about to open my mouth when the waitress, Lauren, brought our burgers out. She laid them on the table with a huff. Sorry, I don't have room for the guilt of using you to piss off my girl. Like a buzzer had indicated it, Bella came back to the table.

"My timing is impeccable." Her eyes were red rimmed, but her pupils remained undilated. She was voraciously hungry and attacked her fries with a vengeance. She didn't indulge. She didn't do it. She cried. I hurt her.

I didn't return to the couple behind me, I just ate. And watched Bella. She ate and smiled like nothing had happened. The little smiles she threw my way. I knew what each one meant. No worries it said. I'm cool it said. We're fine it said. Moved on already it said. She chewed on her burger with little moans against the contentment it provided her hunger. I felt nauseated, leaving most of my food untouched. She had her purge of emotions in a diner bathroom. The release of tears. I let a stranger stop me, but there was no purge. And the anger was fading again, leaving a weariness in me that was consuming. If I could just lie down and pretend.

I sensed Carlisle and Esme getting up to leave behind me. "It was nice to meet you Edward." Esme put her hand against my cheek. The warmth of her hand flooded me with courage and understanding.

"Likewise. I, um, enjoyed our talk."

"Glad to be of use." Carlisle, the omnipresent fixer. "And you, young lady seem lovely. A lovely compliment to this devoted boy."

Bella's face was all confusion. "Thanks, I guess." The couple walked out and I felt something akin to resolve in my stomach. "Damn, Edward. You attract the oddest types."

"Truer words have never been spoken Bella."

We finished dinner silently and I placed the twenty I had gripped earlier on the table, her smile growing radiant at my silence and her full belly. She was back to being Bella. I was back to being Edward. In her mind.

Pretending was trying my nerves. And that resolve pressed.

"Bella, wait." She stopped her extraction from the booth. "We need to talk."

"Are you talking about earlier? Don't worry we're cool. Everything's good. I'm fine." She looked flippant. Like no big deal.

"I'm not." Bella's smile faltered, but remained.

"Why not?"

"Because that was ugly. Of you, of me. Especially of me. I don't want to be like that with you." I don't want you to be like that with me. But you are.

"I don't see why we need to dwell on it. Move on man."

"That's the thing. I can't. And it's not just this."

"What else could possibly be the issue?" Bella looked exasperated at me. I looked impassive, or did my best to.

I wanted to shake her. Force her to look from my side. Make her see the leash I was on. "Nothing. Let's just drop it."

Bella's smile widened. She got out of the booth and came over to my side, much like before. Except this time she leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips. Smoke, pot and strawberries. My dick swelled, as it always does when she's near. It was the first time our lips touch since that first time. I didn't reach for her. I barely returned the pressure. But I licked my own to taste when she went to my ear. "Levity my love. What we need is levity. You can find it with that waitress. I plan on finding it next door."

It was all a front. Her smile. Her nonchalance. Her being over it. She had just effectively marked me in front of a waitress she perceived as a threat to her. She didn't even think about the way I would want to grab her and take her as she bent over. Territory and revenge. She doled one out and promised the other with one little action and a handful of words. And I would let her do it again, so bad was the need I felt.

Bella straightened and walked out of the diner. I sat for a second, gathering. Begging myself to find calm. Didn't happen. I stalked out after her and found her leaning against the wall between the diner and the bar I had seen earlier smoking her after meal cigarette.

"I see you decided on levity of a different nature."

"What the fuck was that?"

"What? What's a peck between friends Edward?" She was laughing at me. She was laughing at her edge. "No waitress then? Poor thing."

"You're sick. You know that right? You can't just kiss me and then..."

"Then what Edward? Let you get it on with some nondescript ho-bunk girl. I think not."

The rage was back. "And who the hell are you to determine that?!" Nevermind that I had no interest.

"I'm Bella and you're Edward. Now come on. We need a libation." She stubbed out her cigarette and I had nothing to say. She was always ahead of me even when I tried to fool myself otherwise. And what I wouldn't do to go back these last few minutes. The way I would pull her onto my lap. The way I'd assault her mouth. Cause it wasn't a waitress in my head, it was her. She had to know it. But she had to keep punishing me, for those words. For what I was contemplating. She knew I wanted to leave her. Knew it in herself somewhere. These were the lengths she was willing to go to keep me tied. And I let her.

She would let herself be dead inside before letting me go.

I wonder if you're going down

Where we all know you get lost

And then get found

And then I wonder so

I can't believe that's what you said

I wonder in my sleep

I can't believe that's what you heard

Can you not defeat

I can't take this

No, I don't like it

I don't know where you are

You know she's dancing at the Disco

Whoa oh, she's dying on the dance floor

I know you're sleeping all alone

You feel suicide

I know you're dying to get out

But it's in you deep inside

Do you feel it in your veins

The poison rushing through?

But can't you see it in your heart

I'm still there for you

Disco by Metro Station