2nd February 2010
Emmett -
Don't be so flipping silly.
Well, that was how I planned to start this letter. Until I took the damn test. Tell Edward and Jasper that the prophetic thing is creepy. You got me bloody pregnant. Pregnant, you fool, I'm pregnant. Jesus bloody Christ.
I don't know if I want to talk to you now.
God, I'm all over the place. I have to tell Jake, Ness, Charlie and Renee. Phil. Oh, God, I have to tell Renee. Start thinking about baby names, pronto. And you damn well better survive, baby, because there is no way on this earth that I will let you abandon me on the most painful day of my life. I have to break your hand and scream insults at you, as tradition decrees. Renee is going to kill you. I know we wanted kids - but you should be here, Emmett! You should be here, now, watching my bump grow and you should be teasing me about getting round. Why, now? Don't get me wrong - I want this baby, your baby, more than anything else - but there could have been a better time. Don't you die, Emmett, don't you dare. Please don't make me raise this child on my own, because I can't do it without you. Please come home safely - we need you. We, not I. We - me and your baby - need you now. There'll be three of us. Look's like one of the bedrooms will have to become a nursery - and I'm not starting it until you get home! You have to put the light bulbs in, reaching over my head, pretending I'm not there, teasing me about being small.
The car is surviving, for now, but it makes a god-awful chocking noise when you start it. Definitely going to have to be upgraded. One that'll take a car-seat. Front or rear facing? I know that you can't put a baby in a front-facing car-seat on the front passenger seat, because if you have a crash, and the air bag deploys, it can hurt the baby. So, if baby is riding shotgun, baby needs rear-facing seat. Actually, that'd be good. Then, whilst one of us drove, baby could be in rear-facing seat, and whoever was in the back could watch baby. And, if it was just one of us, we could see the baby from the front seat easily enough. We need to name baby.
Jake picked up some cheap paint at the store. Gorgeous orange colour, so I started painting today.
I've been helping Esme move in. Alice and Rose are adorable, like you would not believe. Alice is very dark, whilst Rose is fair. Both of them have these wonderful eyes, and such a strange colour! Almost gold, like cats, but adorable on them. Alice is clearly going to be both clever and beautiful, whilst Rose is already such a fantastic little beauty, she's bound to be unbelievable when she's older. If Carlisle has a recent picture, get him to show you, and as soon as possible, as they're wonderful girls. Did you know Edward and Jasper are god-parents? Apparently their father used to work with Carlisle before he died, and Esme and their mother were very good friends. Those girls are going to be spoilt rotten when they get older, except I think they're sweet enough to not have it affect them. I helped Esme paint their living room - my old jeans are covered in white splotches, blue splotches and pink, from Alice's room. Quite scary - it truly is a little girls room. My eyes were burning when I came back home. Esme is coming over tomorrow, bringing the girls, and we're going to the park by the school, to let the girls go on the swings and so on.
Esme gives you, Edward and Jasper her love. Also, she reminds you always to wear clean underpants, just in case. In case what, I don't know. I don't think it'll end up mattering, after all.
It's cold here, as usual. It snowed last night, and there have been several snow fights. Snowmen everywhere. The school yard now looks like it is haunted by fat people. It's a nightmare getting to class, although they haven't called a snow day yet, and I doubt they will. There's not enough yet - we have to be chest high in it before they'll admit we need time off. I haven't told anyone yet, although I called Esme, babbling like an idiot when I got the result. She's been great, you wouldn't believe. I didn't even know which way was up. I don't know how to tell people. I think I might ring Renee, sort of yell it at her, and then put the phone down. And hide for the next century.
The sun's just come out. Oh, Lord, it's so beautiful. Sunshine, and it makes me wonder if you're looking at the sun on the sand, and I wonder if it's the same. I don't understand this war, this war that's taken you away from me. It's all the same sky, the same sun, the same wind. It's all the same earth. Why are you still there? You should be home!
I have to go, baby. I'm going to start telling people. Come home safe, I beg you.
All my love, all baby's love,
Bella
xxxxxxx
Feb 3rd 2010
I need him to come home. Every time there's a knock at the door, I think they've come to tell me that he won't be coming home this time. That I'll never see him again, never hear that laugh, never feel his arms around me. Never wake up again to see his head on the pillow beside me, hear his breathing. Never yell at him for leaving the toilet seat up, never yell at him for traipsing mud through the kitchen when he's been hiking or whatever. Never get to ask him to change a light bulb. Never ask his opinion on some movie which he'll hate, but he'll watch it with me anyway. Never again to hear him tease me about something. Never again to have him sweep me off my feet and never again to make sweet and gentle love with him. I think someone tore my heart out. I'm terrified he'll die out there, that he'll die alone. I miss all the little tiny things. Seeing his battered running shoes kicked off carelessly in the porch. His pillow smells like him.
I talk to the tiny life inside me now. I tell the baby all about my brave, handsome, laughing soldier-hero. Oh, God, I need him back.