Chapter 4 - A Falco With a Box on His Head
STANDINGS: Kirby - 4, Samus - 6, Pikachu - 6, Falco - 8, Link - 9, Snake - 10
Snake took the black deck, drew a card, and began reading. "*Blank* plus *blank* equals *blank*. Oh yeah, and you have to draw two more cards."
The players drew two more white cards and took them into consideration as they decided which cards they would play.
Kirby looked over his deck. OK, I'm in last place. I have some tough decisions to make. Which combo is going to be the most hilarious? Think of two disturbing things, and think of an even more disturbing hybrid of the two. This is a toughie... he thought to himself. Finally, he found a decent combination and handed it over.
The other players handed in their combinations. Snake began to read them off. "Drinking alone plus a mime having a stroke equals the primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now."
"My parents are dead," Samus commented apathetically.
"Well, whatever," Snake dismissed her before continuing. "Forgetting grandma's first name plus failing the Turing test equals getting caught up in the CROSSFIRETM. ... A giant powdery manbaby plus Sudden Poop Explosion Disease equals crying and shitting and eating spaghetti."
"The fuck was that combination?" Falco asked in disbelief. "All those visuals..."
"Yeah, what was that?" Link agreed.
"Who knows," Snake said dryly. "Continuing on. A Bop-It plus injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other equals a toxic family environment."
"I'll say," Kirby commented.
Snake read the last combination. "Chainsaws for hands plus having shotguns for legs equals Robocop. Yeah, that just about sums it us right there. So I'm going with the giant powdery manbaby et cetera for first place."
"Mine," Kirby said.
"Dude..." Falco whispered to Kirby. "Your cards are seriously messed up."
"I know, right?" Kirby whispered back.
"Second place, I'm going with Robocop," Snake continued.
"Mine," Samus declared.
Falco took the black deck and read off the top card. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey?" he bellowed in imitation of a stern parent. "This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for-" He dropped the imitation and returned to his normal voice. "-*blank*. OK, gimme your best."
Samus laughed under her breath at one of the cards in her hand. She thought it would be a hilariously over-the-top and unsafe for work thing for an elementary-school-ish age boy to get sent to the principal's office for. In fact, a boy of that age would probably be expelled for such behaviour. She handed it over to Falco.
Pikachu looked at one of the cards in his hand. He thought it would be an ironic thing to be sent to the principal's office for. Which makes it all the more hilarious, he thought to himself. He pushed the white card over to Falco, who placed it in his hand alongside Samus's card.
Snake, Link, and Kirby all put their cards in. Falco gathered them up, shuffled them, and began to read them off. He cleared his throat and started imitating the ticked-off father that had read off the black card. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for whining like a little bitch." He reverted to his normal voice. "That one's actually quite funny."
"Yeah, not to mention it would be a valid reason for sending a kid to the principal," Link replied.
Falco returned to the black and white combos. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for taking a man's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and putting his balls into his eye holes."
"Pika pi pika? Pika pi pikachu pi pika pi pikachu," Pikachu said.
"He says: 'Who would do that? That would be embarrassing,'", Kirby translated.
"Certainly," Samus agreed. "Poor guy having to scar a bunch of little children. ...Unless they've logged on to Mommy's computer and looked at PornHub when she's not looking."
Everyone laughed at Samus's quip. Then Falco continued reading the cards. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for unquestioning obedience."
"Ha!" Snake exclaimed. "That card's perfect! He gets sent to the principal's office for doing as he's told!"
"Unless he goes to an anarchist school," Falco commented. "Then maybe that's a valid reason for sending him down there." He put on the stern-parent voice again to read the next few cards. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for being nine years old." Everybody else laughed at that combination. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for eating all the cookies before the AIDS bake sale."
"The hell is an AIDS bake sale?" Link asked. "Is it a bake sale to raise money for AIDS research, or is it a bake sale where everything is laced with the AIDS virus?"
"Who knows?" Falco asked before announcing his favourites. "I'm gonna choose unquestioning obedience for my first place."
"Pika pi," Pikachu said.
"And for second, it's eating the cookies before the AIDS bake sale."
"Mine," Kirby declared.
The deck was passed, new cards were dealt, and Samus took her turn as the Card Czar. "And what did you bring for show-and-tell?" she asked in a sickly-sweet voice.
"I can see so much potential with this card," Snake commented. "Everyone's going to choose something impossibly politically incorrect."
The players looked over, chose, and submitted their cards. Samus began reading them off, using her sickly-sweet voice for the questions and her normal voice for the answers. "And what did you bring for show-and-tell? Nothing."
"Oh man, that's gotta be brutal," Snake quipped.
"Yeah, if you're a little kid who gets laughed at by the rest of the class for forgetting his treasured item," Samus said before continuing on. "And what did you bring for show-and-tell? German dungeon porn."
"He raided his daddy's secret box under the bed," Falco justified the scenario. This made everyone in the group laugh even harder.
Samus continued reading the cards. "And what did you bring for show-and-tell? A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings."
"Made it myself," Kirby joked.
"That's gold," Samus responded before continuing. "And what did you bring for show-and-tell? A falcon with a box on its head."
As if on cue, Snake pulled a box out of nowhere and placed it straight on Falco's head. This caused Falco to enter a fit of rage. "Goddammit, Snake! I am not a full-blooded falcon!" he yelled, pissed off.
"How much are you?" Snake asked, curious.
"Three-quarters on my dad's side, but that's it," Falco answered, still somewhat pissed.
"Then what the hell is with your name?" Snake asked. "It can't be heritage, because you're only three-eighths falcon."
"OK, promise not to tell anyone," Falco said before leaning in to whisper in Snake's ear. "I was born during the height of a certain Austrian techno singer's popularity."
"Oh, God, that's gotta be embarrassing," Snake commented.
"Yeah."
"What are you guys whispering about?" Samus asked.
"This guy right here was born during the height of a certain Austrian techno singer's popularity," Snake said. This led to him receiving a slap in the face from Falco.
"OK, then..." Samus responded before continuing on. "And what did you bring for show-and-tell? 10 Incredible Facts About the Anus. I'm choosing the ball of semen and toenail clippings for first place."
"Mine," Link said.
"And for second, I'm going with 10 Incredible Facts About the Anus."
"Mine," Kirby said.
Link took the black deck and read off the top card. "Lifetime© presents *blank*, the story of *blank*."
"What is Lifetime, anyway?" Kirby asked.
"Some sappy movie channel where all it creates is sobstories for women to cry their eyes out over," Snake answered.
The players started looking over their cards and searching for combinations to submit. Eventually, they handed in some combinations. Link began to read them off. "Lifetime presents Michael Jackson, the story of a bleached asshole."
"OK, is that card talking about Michael Jackson himself, or just his ass?" Kirby asked.
"Who knows," Link commented. "Lifetime presents A possible Muslim, the story of a big hoopla about nothing. ...Lifetime presents The Trail of Tears, the story of... Hahahaha, this is hilarious!... The story of running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere."
"Yeah, 'cause someone's gonna cry at their beloved merchandise spoiled by numbers One and Two," Samus commented.
"OK, moving on," Link said before reading the next cards. "Lifetime presents A soulful rendition of Ol' Man River, the story of police brutality. Racist... Lifetime presents Tripping balls, the story of... Oh, God, this is a mouthful... The story of angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night."
"I guess you must be tripping balls if you're making a movie with that monster title," Kirby said.
"So I'm gonna go with The Trail of Tears for my first-place, because it's just hilarious," Link announced.
"That's mine," Kirby said.
"And for the second place, I'm going with Michael Jackson," Link continued.
"Mine," Snake declared.
Kirby took the black deck and read off the top card. "When you get right down to it, *blank* is just *blank*."
"Oh, I have the perfect second card for this one," Falco bragged.
"Well, let's see if Pikachu thinks it's perfect," Kirby challenged.
The players pored over their cards, attempting to find a good combination. After a brief moment of pausing, thinking, eliminating, deciding, and submitting, they handed them over. Kirby began to read them off. "When you get right down to it, the thin veneer of situational casuality that underlies porn is just the tiniest shred of evidence that God is real. ... ...When you get right down to it, the Y2K bug is just bullshit." That card caused a small stream of laughter to erupt over the entire group. "When you get right down to it, eugenics is just giving birth to the Antichrist."
"Pretty much," Samus commented. "Why else would you be so concerned about breeding in certain characteristics and breeding out other ones?"
Kirby continued reading out cards. "When you get right down to it, the mere concept of Applebee's is just spending lots of money. ...When you get right down to it, making up for 10 years of shitty parenting with a PlayStation is just the way white people is. Your call, Pikachu."
"Pika pika pikachu," Pikachu said.
"So he says 'Eugenics and the Antichrist' is in first place," Kirby announced.
"Yes!" Falco exclaimed. "Two more for me."
"Second place?" Kirby asked Pikachu.
"Pi pika," Pikachu answered.
"He says 'the Y2K bug'", Kirby continued.
"Mine," Samus declared.
Kirby drew a new card, now that it was actually his turn to be Czar. "In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of *blank*."
"Kanye West tries to do everything," Samus commented.
The players started looking over their cards. Eventually, they decided and handed in their cards. Kirby read them off. "In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of Eastern European Turbo-Folk music."
"Oh, God..." Snake cringed. "Once we were on a mission in Serbia, and that stuff ran rampant through the clubs. It's the most annoying thing you'll ever hear."
"What is it, even?" Kirby asked.
"I will show you," Snake said, pulling out his smartphone. "But I will warn you: It will be insanely annoying." He typed in something on the smartphone, and a music video started up. A heavily-busted woman in a Little Red Riding Hood costume was speedwalking across the screen while the sound of howling wolves was heard in the background. Then a man and that same woman started singing wordlessly. Then some men and women were seen dancing to techno music infused with violins. Snake stopped the video. "That's basically what it is."
*A/N: This is an actual turbofolk video. Search "Turbofolk" on YouTube and look for a song entitled "Vuce, lopove" by Goga Sekulic.*
"You're right, it is annoying," Samus said. "But it's so damn catchy! Oh, it's in my head now... Lai-la-la-lai-la-lai..." She started singing the main melody to herself.
"Stop before I have an aneurysm," Snake snapped.
Kirby continued with the cards. "In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of words, words, words. ... ... In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of Texas."
"So basically hillbilly-rap?" Link asked.
"Texas isn't actually that hillbilly of a state," Snake commented. "That's more of the Mississippi area."
Kirby continued with the cards. "In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of two whales fucking the shit out of each other."
"So basically, normal whale noises with the added touch of orgasm," Samus commented.
"Yeah," Kirby agreed before continuing on. "In his new self-produced album, Kanye West raps over the sounds of Congress's flaccid penises withering away behind their suit pants. A bit too much information, but OK... So I'm going with the whales for first place."
"Pika," Pikachu said.
"And for second, I'm going with the turbo-folk card," Kirby continued.
"Mine," Falco said. "I actually had no idea what it was before Snake showed us, but I played it because it kinda made sense."
And thus ended another round of Cards Against Humanity among the six Smashers.
*A/N: Thanks to Daughter-of-RoChu for submitting the following card combination:
Lifetime presents Michael Jackson, the story of a bleached asshole.
Also, in the next chapter, we see someone new decide to join the game! Hint: He wants you to show him something. If you can guess who it is, you win a virtual cookie. ;) Don't forget to submit your card combinations!*