Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sadly, JKR owns it all.

Author's Note: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews and support. You all rock my socks! And it makes me very happy to know people are reading my story :) ALSO, as usual, thanks to my WONDERFUL beta Katty. Without whom, this story would suck.

Chapter 4: Breaking Down

It was three in the morning. Three o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. I woke up in a panic from a horrid nightmare that seemed to go on forever. It was impossible for me to return to a comfortable slumber. I had missed all my classes, plus dinner.

Once I was awake, I was unable to turn my brain off. For some reason I felt sick to my stomach, and it was more than just butterflies. Was I really sick? What was wrong with me? I wasn't really sure. But the more I continued to sit in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking of all that lie ahead of me, the more sick I became.

I ran to the bathroom hoping that if I threw up I'd feel better. All that managed to do was cramp up my abdomens and tear my throat raw from the dry heaves and acid in my stomach. I wasn't too surprised- the last time I'd eaten a full meal had been two days ago. All I'd had in the last two days was an apple and some pumpkin juice. I wasn't hungry, and when I was something would remind me of everything I was facing and my appetite would disappear.

I wandered back to my bed aimlessly, not really wanting to try and sleep. I knew I wouldn't be able to, not with my mind lingering on things that I wish I didn't have to think about. I considered using a potion to knock me out for the rest of the night, but even short lasting sleeping potions lasted for more than four hours.

It seemed there was no hope for me in ever finding rest that night. I sighed and looked out of the dormitory window. I felt caged at the moment. I had the sudden urge to run, yet I stayed contained in my seat. I frantically looked about the room, in search of a way out. There was none. My heart was pounding erratically in my chest. I was so unsure of what I was thinking and feeling. I had no idea what was happening with me. Was I going mental? I supposed so.

I couldn't stay here any longer- my normally large bed was too small for me, the sheets tight and constricting around my body. I had to leave the room- I needed to breathe. The common room would be safe- I doubted anyone would be down there at three in the morning, and if they were, they'd most likely be sleeping with their heads on their books.

I snatched my robe off of the chair next to my homework and books and sprinted out of the room, careful to shut the door quietly behind me so as not to disturb my roommates.

I quietly shuffled down the stairs. The further away I got from the room, the easier it breathing became again. But the tightness was still in my chest as I entered the common room, and before I could think of what I was doing I was outside of the common room and in the halls. Walking away felt too good. The farther I got from the Gryffindor tower and the people that inhabited it, the more I felt free. I inhaled deeply on my path down the hall.

I wasn't exactly sure where I was going, but I was certain I wasn't stopping here. No, I needed to go farther.

I didn't stop for anything, although I remained cautious so as not to be caught by a professor, or Mr. Filch. Going off campus, or even out of the common room, at this hour was strictly forbidden. Surprisingly enough, I didn't care. I didn't play out all the facts; I didn't think about the consequences, I just did it. I acted on impulse, which was something I wasn't usually accustomed to. I couldn't say that I didn't like it. I felt the freedom bursting within me. The need for me to run was astronomical, however, I contained myself so as not to draw any attention.

I exited Hogwarts, and was now officially in the outdoors. The smell of dew covered grass and flowers attacked my sense of smell and the wind hugged me tightly. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to protect myself somewhat from the chill- my robe barely protected me from the elements. The chill only added to my current state of restlessness and I quickened my pace. As soon as I past Hagrid's hut, I could make a break for it- consequences be damned.

I shuffled in a quick pace past Hagrid's hut. He was well asleep by now. All of his lights were off, and I could hear him snoring from the pathway. I held my breath as I passed Hagrid's hut, my fingers crossed that Fang wouldn't hear me and alert Hagrid to my escape.

As soon as I was far enough away I took in a huge breath and mentally I cheered. I jumped up and down, preparing myself for the long run I was planning to take. I didn't really wish to run through the forbidden forest, but it seemed like that was my only option, so I was going for it.

I started running. I felt like a horse galloping across its land, totally free. Then I felt like a bird flying, the sky all to myself. I was my own person. I wanted to flap my arms, but then I thought it a ridiculous gesture and continued to run.

It wasn't until I made my way rather far into the woods that I stopped. I wasn't scared, I wasn't anything but calm. My heart beat finally slowed, and I was panting heavily. I had never run so fast in my life, especially considering physical activities were not my forte. I wanted to sit for a minute. My head was completely clear, and I didn't have a thought in the world, but I no longer felt the need to keep running. I was far enough away, I was alone.

Only then did I notice where I was. There was a beautiful, yet small, lake sitting in front of me. It was surrounded by trees, completely secluded from the world. It was like my own little oasis. Had it been any warmer outside, I would have jumped in the lake and gone for a swim.

The moon was bright tonight, and I could see everything. It was hitting the lake just right, so that the reflection of the trees blurred everything into a sea of color and darkness. It was absolutely breath taking.

I realized that I had been here before. When I was with Harry, using the time turning, trying to save Sirius and Harry himself from the Dementors. What nasty little buggers they were. The terribly awful memory made me smile. I even laughed slightly.

Now, I knew I had gone mental. What was wrong with me? What a horrible thing to remember and smile about! It was a tragic moment for all. I mean, Harry and Sirius were saved from that unfortunate incident, but I didn't exactly change Sirius' outcome in the end. And it certainly wasn't a laughing matter whatsoever.

I felt my heart sink. I sat down on a stump next to me, and put my head in my hands. This had gone too far. Now that my common sense was starting to come back to me I realized what a terrible idea this was. I never did stuff like this.

I felt as if I was having no control over anything in my life. I couldn't even control my own thoughts and actions anymore. I was simply a puppet in the game of life. What was the point?

I felt a cold droplet of water on my hand, and it startled me. Was it raining? I looked up to the sky, but there wasn't a cloud in sight. I felt another drop land on my thigh. I moved my hands to my face, and realized that I had started crying. The gesture felt so foreign to me. I hadn't cried in such a long time.

Once I started crying, I found it impossible to stop. Silent tears turned into sobs and I cried so violently I almost made myself ill. I knew what a barbaric and childish thing it was of me to do, but it felt so good. Just like running away had felt. These tears were uncontrollable. They had been suppressed for so long now.

"Hermione?" I immediately stopped my pathetic wailing and searched around me. I saw no one. Instinctively, I reached in my pocket for my wand. However, I was wearing my night gown robe, and not my school robe. I was without a wand. What a stupid witch I was.

"Who's there?" I called out. My voice cracked, obviously strained from the events just seconds previously.

Someone stepped closer, and I couldn't see due to the glare from the lake. My hands scooted me backwards away from the body until I saw that the person was none other than Remus Lupin.

"What're you doing out here Hermione?" He asked concerned as he held his hand out. I grasped it tightly and he helped me off of my pathetic butt. I knew I was dirty from the ground but I ignored it.

"I-I-" I hadn't an answer. I wasn't even sure what I was doing out there. "I don't know." I was suddenly aware of how cold it was. I looked down at myself. I had on only a short, low cut nightgown and a robe. I looked positively distasteful.

"Are you alright? Did something happen?" He came closer to me, his eyes examining me for injuries as he went.

"I'm fine," I said, pulling away from him slightly. He looked extremely baffled, and I was offering no help, no information. I was frantically trying to think of an excuse why I was there, but there simply was none.

"Then I ask again Miss Granger," He said professionally, squinting at me suspiciously. "What are you doing out here at this hour? You came here on your own accord?" He asked again.

I nodded, "I don't know what got into me sir," I mumbled.

He sighed and took my arm, at first I was confused, but then I realized he was taking me back up to the castle. Once we got close enough, he let go of my arm and I followed. I felt like a stupid, childish little girl being reprimanded.

"We're we going sir?" I asked when we reached the hall of Hogwarts. Now there was more then just moonlight and we could see each other properly. I must have been a sight to see, all that mud and certainly tear stains.

"The hospital wing," I stopped in my tracks. I didn't need to go to a hospital wing, I was fine.

"Professor, I'm fine, really," I said, trying a fake smile, but failing pathetically.

He sighed, exhausted, once again, "Hermione," He said, seemingly unsure of how to phrase his next words, "Did someone… I mean to say, were you… attacked?" He asked. I almost laughed at this, until I realized he was serious.

"NO!" I said shaking my head. So I looked that bad? "No professor, it was nothing like that at all. I was out there completely alone. I was not attacked, or forced against my will. It was on my own accord that I was down by the lake, and no one else's. I am perfectly fine."

He eyed me again, "Then WHAT were you doing down there?" He asked frustrated. I honestly wasn't sure what to say, what a surprise. However, I figured I had better say something before he took me to Dumbledore.

"I…I needed to get away for awhile." I said, as if I were taking some vacation cruise or something.

"Get away?" He asked, "From Hogwarts? Why?" He asked, although as soon as he did so, I saw in his eyes that he knew the answer. He immediately backed off his questioning, and asked me to follow him.

"To where sir?"

"My office."

We made it there in no time at all. Perhaps it was our fast pace of walking or possibly that we didn't have to maneuver our way around students. Whatever the case was, it was quick. He gave me a chair and some hot tea.

"Please don't tell professor Dumbledore." I begged. "He's got so much on his mind. This was such a silly thing of me to do, I wasn't thinking." Lupin nodded, considering this. "Whatever you do, please do not tell that git of a counselor about this."

At that comment, he looked up at me, stroking his chin. He probably thought I was crazy.

"It's not good to keep your emotions bottled up Hermione." He said matter-of-factly, "You need to find a way to vent in a controlled manner. Pretending everything is fine when it's not is working just as efficiently as banging your head against a wall. You're getting nowhere, and just putting yourself in more pain and agony." I didn't wish to discuss this with my professor. I had felt so much better before, and now everything just seemed more complicated.

"I can't do it." The words bubbled out of my mouth before I could think of what I was saying. "I can't get married Professor. I can't. I'm too young, it won't work. I don't even know Fred. We're so different…." I babbled aimlessly. I had no intention of spilling anything to Lupin or anyone else, but for some reason, tonight, I was in no control of my actions.

"That's as to be expected Hermione. Everyone in your position is feeling the exact same way." But I wasn't everyone else, I was Hermione Granger. I was supposed to have it all together. I couldn't breakdown. Then again, I guess I just did. "Perhaps talking with Mr. Weasley about all this, may relieve some of your stress." I glared at Lupin as if he were crazy. Meet up with Fred? Talk to him about this? Does he KNOW Fred? It will all just be some big joke to him. He shrugged, "Just a suggestion. Marriage starts with communication."

I rolled my eyes, now he was starting to sound like Dr. Finkle. He chuckled, as if he had heard my thoughts. "No matter what you believe now Hermione things will get better. Sometimes change is a good thing. Not everything in life can be planned. There will always be unexpected change."

That was certainly something I hated about life. I liked things planned and orderly. They had to be correct and scheduled. I had a plan for myself and for my future. Now it was going all to hell.

"I noticed," Professor Lupin continued, "that you weren't at dinner tonight."

I nodded. "I slept through it on accident, as well as Transfigurations." I said sheepishly. I didn't normally do things like that. I guess there was a lot of that going around though. He nodded, hoping I would continue.

"Things are strange."Why was I spilling everything out like this? My mouth was rioting against my brain and my common sense, and now that it had opened, it had no intention of closing. "I can't imagine Fred and I ever getting married. The fact that we are marrying each other is unreal."

He stared at me, sympathetically, which was a look I was getting a lot lately. "Hermione, its real right now. It's happening. And yes, it's a frightening thing, but it may be wonderful. Give it a chance, because if you are so set against it, then it will surely fail."

I looked at him in awe, "You're defending this!" I shouted appalled.

He held out his hands and shook his head. "Of course not!" He ensured, "What I'm saying is you can fight it till the end and be miserable. Or you can accept it now and find a healthy way to deal."

I nodded, really hating that answer, but knowing he was probably right. At the moment though I couldn't imagine just sitting down an accepting this stupid law. It was an impossible task. I wanted to see HIM having to get married to someone he hardly knew, and then see how he took it.

"Dumbledore was looking for you earlier," He told me. "He took Harry, Ron, and Ginny up to his office." I think he was waiting for my curious reaction, which I didn't give. Thanks to Fred's letter, I already knew what Dumbledore wanted to talk to us about.

When the professor saw that I hadn't reacted at all, he chuckled, "Silly me, thinking you wouldn't know." I smiled at him kindly and he continued. "Well the four of you have been asked to come to the order meeting. Meet me in here tomorrow after your last class, and then we'll floo over."

I nodded, thankful for the details which I was certain Ginny would have told me later. I was surprised she didn't wake me up when she got back to the dorm rooms. I was surprised that NOBODY did, actually.

"Well," Lupin said looking across the room at a muggle clock hanging on his wall, thanks to Arthur Weasley I was sure. "I suppose you should get back to your dormitory seeing as how it is still dark outside." He said playfully. I nodded, getting out of my chair. I covered up myself as best I could with the small robe I had on. The least I could have done was put on more clothing before I ran off.

"Oh and Hermione," He said looking over at me as I approached the door.

"Yes Professor?"

"Don't let me catch you out there again. Just because the Dark Lord is dead doesn't mean it still isn't dangerous." He warned. I nodded, simply thankful that he wasn't going to tell anyone about my horrible meltdown.

"Goodnight professor." I said, as I exited the room.

I was certainly lucky that it was Professor Lupin who found me. Had it been anyone else, severe house points would have been deducted, at least a week's detention, plus the whole school knowing that I had failed them. Even if students didn't like me, I knew I was looked to as a person to keep the peace. I was supposed to be the one who knew everything, and how to handle every situation. The fact of the matter was I had no idea how to handle this situation. I felt completely lost.

I started thinking about the fight Ron and I had. Were we even on speaking terms? I wasn't even sure anymore. I hadn't seen him practically all day. However, I would eventually have to talk to him and Harry before tomorrow night's events.

I needed my friends now more than ever.