Disclaimer: I don't own Calvin and Hobbes or the Lord of the Rings.

Chapter 4: This Looks Like a Job for…

By Day 2 the hobbits of the Shire were dearly wishing that Calvin and Hobbes would just leave, except for Merry and Pippin, who had grown enormously fond of them. But Calvin refused. To him, this was like a summer vacation land! Sure, it was lacking in the bloody-scary-monster department, but for someone who just wanted to get away from his normal life, it was pretty good. Hobbes just loved the food.

One morning, after months of staying in the Shire, Pippin suggested that they go to have some of the best mushrooms in the entire Shire.

"I don't like mushrooms! They're disgusting!" replied Calvin.

"I do," said Hobbes, licking his lips.

"You'll love these," assured Merry, "Even if to get them we can't exactly be legal about it."

"What's that supposed to mean? We're stealing them?" asked Calvin excitedly.

"Weeeellll, we prefer the term "borrowing"," said Merry.

"Borrowing without permission?" asked Hobbes.

"Exactly," replied Pippin.

"Well what are we waiting for! Let's go!" yelled Calvin.

The four wandered over to Farmer Maggot's house, where his vegetable patch was clearly visible, along with his nearby cornfield.

"I'll get it," Hobbes volunteered, "Tigers are great at sneaking around. It's what makes us such great predators!"

"Are you sure?" asked Pippin.

"Trust me," said Calvin, "He's the best at sneaking and pouncing I've ever seen!"

So Hobbes crept across the front porch and over to the garden, where he immediately began to snag not just mushrooms, but all sorts of crops. "I didn't know Hobbes ate so many vegetables," said Merry.

"He doesn't," replied Calvin, "He just likes to show off."

At that moment however, the front door swung open and Farmer Maggot came out. Bounding along beside him were his three big dogs.

"Uh-oh," said Calvin.

"OI! Get out of my garden you varmint!" yelled Maggot. The dogs barked and immediately gave chase.

"RUN!" yelled Pippin and they all tore through the cornfield. Soon the farmhouse was out of sight.

"Ha!" said Calvin, "We did it!" Out of curiosity, he retraced his steps a bit and peered through the corn to see how far away they'd gotten. A split second later the sound of barking dogs was heard louder than ever and Calvin came dashing back looking terrified. "OH GREAT, HE'S GOT A PITCHFORK! AND THOSE DOGS ARE HUGE!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" cried Hobbes and they tore off again. They hadn't gone far when they ran into a path and slammed straight into two more hobbits!

"We didn't do it!" cried Calvin. Pippin, on the other hand, looked relieved.

"Guys, it's Frodo and Sam!"

"Oh it's only you two. Well, we'd love to hang around and chat, but we have some…er…stuff to do, so if you'll excuse us…" Calvin made to continue running, but was stopped by a very suspicious Sam.

"What've you lot been up to? You haven't been digging around in Farmer Maggot's crops again, have you?"

"THEY MADE ME DO IT!" screamed Calvin, pointing an accusing finger at Merry and Pippin.

Hobbes snorted. "Well he didn't need too much persuasion."

"Is that what you think you low-lying, sneaky furball…"

Just before things could turn really ugly, the sounds of the barking dogs and Maggot's yells brought the friends back to the situation at hand. "Look," said Calvin, shoving vegetables into Frodo and Sam's arms, "Make yourselves useful and help us carry our loot!" With that they were off.

Unfortunately none of them saw the edge of a small cliff coming up to meet them. All six of them went flying into the main road.

"I…ow…meant to do that!" said Calvin with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Sure you did," muttered Hobbes, "Hey look! More mushrooms!" He, Merry, Pippin, and Sam darted over to begin the feast.

Calvin saw that Frodo hadn't joined them. "I don't really like mushrooms either," he said. But the hobbit wasn't listening. "What are you looking at?"

"I think we should get off the road," said Frodo, without taking his eyes off of it.

Calvin shrugged. "Why?" he said, "I don't see anything wrong." Suddenly a wild shriek filled the air. Frodo quickly ordered everyone to hide, and they all crouched under a tree root, Hobbes having to squeeze himself in, because there was barely enough room.

Not a moment too soon. Calvin suddenly heard the soft sound of hoof beats on the road. They stopped, and someone jumped down. A tall, menacing-looking, dark cloaked stranger as it was.

The black rider crept closer and closer, sniffing the air. The air seemed to get cold, even though it was summer. One thing was clear in Calvin's mind: this guy was an evildoer.

And there was only one who could successfully deal with evildoers.

The Black Rider was just about to bend over the tree root when he heard the sound of someone rummaging through his pockets. It was Calvin, pulling out a very wrinkled red cape, all rolled up in a ball.

"This looks like a job for…STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of kids and hobbits everywhere! Enemy of creepy black-robed guys! That means you dude!"

Calvin pulled on his cape and came flying out of the tree to tackle his foe. All that Hobbes wrestling really did pay off!

"DIE sinister fiend! Die! Die!"

The rider shrieked and rolled around, fighting back. "Get off me you ridiculous Halfling!" he hissed.

"I'm not a Halfling youmoron! I'm a kid!"

The rider pulled him off and threw him to the ground. "Where is the Ring?" he asked.

"What ring?"

"Do you know a Baggins?"

"If I did, why would I tell you?"

"You are an insubordinate liar!" hissed the rider, "The Dark Lord would not be pleased by your rudeness."

"Then I'd say it's a good thing I'm not planning on meeting this Dark Lord any time soon, wouldn't you think?"

"We'll see," hissed the rider, reaching to pick him up.

"Whoa, whoa! Put me down! You evil menace, your strength is nothing compared to STUPENDOUS MAN'S stupendous strength! Hey! HEY! Hobbes maul him! Maul him!"

Hobbes was at this point too afraid to face the rider who, for some reason, seemed to chill his blood. But a particular scent reached his nose, which drove out all fear. "Horse," he whispered, licking his lips, "Yum…"

Five seconds later the horse was tearing off down the road, squealing in terror, its rider just barely hanging on, as a hungry tiger chased after it. "I love horse!" cried Hobbes joyfully, "It's been too long…"

"Ha!" yelled Calvin, punching the air with his fist, "And don't come back! Unless you wish to face the wrath of STUPENDOUS MAN and his trusty sidekick, STUPENDOUS TIGER!"

Hobbes came back panting a few minutes later. "That horse was too fast," he gasped, looking extremely disappointed, "It's gone now."

"That's all right old buddy! You saved the day! I should seriously tell Mom to make you an extra cape…" said Calvin.

"Never mind capes, what was that thing?" asked Pippin.

Frodo looked like he knew, but wasn't telling. "Come on," he said, beckoning to the others. They followed him deeper into the woods.

"Where are we going?" asked Calvin.

"I'll explain later," said Frodo, "Right now we have to leave."

"Leave the Shire?" asked Calvin, clearly puzzled. Then his whole face lit up. "Are we getting into the action sequences yet? Hey-hang on! I've seen those black riders before!"

Frodo and Sam turned around sharply. "You have?" asked Frodo.

"Yeah, on the commercial for the movie! There were nine of them!"

None of the hobbits were going to bother asking him to explain what a movie commercial was. He'd already tried, and they still didn't get it. All the same, Frodo looked worried.

"Are they bad?" asked Hobbes.

"I'm not sure," replied Frodo, "But I didn't like the look of that one."

"Do you think he was after the Ring?" asked Sam.

"What ring?" asked Merry. Frodo shot Sam a look.

"You mean the magic one from Bilbo's party?" asked Hobbes, "Why would someone go to all the trouble to look for something like that?"

"Because it's magical, moron," muttered Calvin under his breath. The others heard but just ignored him.

"I promise I'll explain everything to you once we get where we're going," said Frodo.

"So they're coming with us then?" asked Sam grimly.

Frodo hadn't even thought of that. He'd been so worried about putting as much distance between himself and that Rider as possible. "Well…do you want to?" he asked them awkwardly.

"Is this a horrifying scary adventure with a chance of death?" asked Calvin.

Frodo nodded, "Possibly. But I won't put you in any dan…"

"Count us in!" said Calvin brightly.

"All…right…" said Frodo, looking confused and surprised, "Merry and Pippin?"

"Of course!" said Pippin.

"If you're in danger then we won't abandon you!" said Merry cheerfully.

"Very well," said Frodo, "But we're wasting time. We have to leave for the village of Bree right now."

"Can you tell us why, now that we are officially your comrades-in-arms?" asked Calvin eagerly.

"You heard Mr. Frodo," snapped Sam, "We'll tell you our business once we're safely in Bree! Now get moving!"

To my reviewers:

Kaledelia Undomiel: My school let out June 15. I LOVE bringing troublemakers to Middle Earth; I wonder who I should do next?

People of Middle Earth: (cringe in horror)

Me: No wonder they all hate me…

Swing123: I'm so happy to know you like this! Thanks for reviewing!

Ghost in the Machine: Yeah, well, they probably wouldn't even want him in the Fellowship! But that never stopped Calvin and Hobbes before eh?

Digigirl0093: (smiles) I love them too…

Garfieldodie: Hey, I've read some of your Calvin and Hobbes stories! I'm so glad you like mine!

HiBob: Well, at least Hobbes might've had good intentions! ;) But no world would be safe if Calvin had it. We'd all be doomed!