Disclaimer: I do not, nor have I ever, owned Big Time Rush, or anything recognizable in this.
Guest#1: Aww, thank you so much! I'm so happy you enjoyed it :) And thank you for taking the time to read and review, I really appreciate it.
RAEchel: I haven't heard the song, but when I get a chance, I'll check it out and possible do a one shot of it. Thank you for reading and reviewing, I appreciate it very much :)
Guest#2: Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it! And thank you for taking the time to read and review, it's much appreciated :)
Humongous thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read, follow, favorite, or review! You guys are amazing!
A/N: Okay. So. Don't ask me what this is, because I don't actually have a freaking clue. This is plot-less, pointless, and total crack. I'm not even sure if it makes any sense. Basically, yesterday I found this website called ifaketext, which basically generates iPhone conversations. You just have to put in the names and the convos. So, I was messing around on it today and I started spamming Dana2184 with a bunch of the fake texts featured in this. And then I was like, "You know, this could be a one shot." And she basically responded with, "Ya think?" So. That's how this came about.
I'm massively dedicating this to her because she was nice enough to also message James' and Katie's responses back and forth with me so that I could get a feel for the format, since I've never done a texting story before. Also, a couple of Katie's responses were pure her, so you can thank her for that. Plus, she put up with me ad libbing on her at random times...So, yeah. Anyway, if you guys haven't already, go and check out her Jatie story "Cold Dark December"! It's a mystery/thriller and she just posted the first actual chapter yesterday. Very interesting and intriguing.
Okay, one more thing. James' texts are in bold, Katie's texts are in italics, and Camille's texts are in bold italics. These "..." indicate pauses in the conversation. I might have screwed up at some point with the formatting, so let me know. Also, there's some dialogue in this, but it's pure dialogue, no description, so keep that in mind. This is also AU. James is 25 and Katie is 23, and this takes place in Minnesota. Plus, they're "platonic" roommates.
Summary: James is bored and really wants chocolate doughnuts. Unfortunately for him, Katie doesn't really care.
Rating: T for language and innuendos.
Enjoy "Text Me, Text Me, Baby" :)
"Text Me, Text Me, Baby"
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:05 PM]:
You know what I love?
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:06 PM]:
You mean besides yourself and pussy?
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:06 PM]
Ouch, straight to the heart. And I do love cats ;)
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:08 PM]
What do you love, James?
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:09 PM]
Those chocolate doughnuts from that one bakery on the corner of Wilshire BLVD. Can we get some? =D
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:14 PM]
It's been 5 minutes and you haven't responded :( Pleeeeeaaaassseee can we get some?
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:15 PM]
You know, some people actually work for a living instead of stripping and posing in magazines. And no, we can't, because they're freaking expensive.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:15 PM]
*Sad face* :(
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:16 PM]
N.O.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:18 PM]
I won't stop texting you until you say yes.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:19 PM]
Pleeeeaaasseee!
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:20 PM]
Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:21 PM]
Speaking of which, can we get that chocolate and cherry cake as well? :D
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:22 PM]
What do you mean as well?! We were never going to get the chocolate doughnuts to begin with!
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:22 PM]
Hah! I knew I could get you to respond ;)
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:26 PM]
Dammit, James, leave me alone, I'm in the middle of a meeting!
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:28 PM]
Newspapers have meetings? O_o Color me skeptical.
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:31 PM]
Yes. Yes, they do. Now. Do me a huge favor and leave me alone.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:33 PM]
Only if you get the doughnuts and cake on your way home. O beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of sugar!
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:33 PM]
And maybe get a thing of red velvet cookies as well?
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:37 PM]
For a model who does nudes once in awhile, you sure don't eat very healthy. And that's not how the song goes.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:38 PM]
So what? And ooohhhh well. And how do you know I do nudes sometimes? I haven't told anyone that…
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:38 PM]
…..
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:30 PM]
You looked in my portfolio, didn't you? Liked what you saw? ;)
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:31 PM]
Or maybe you just goggled me.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:31 PM]
**Googled. Stupid autocorrect.
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:32 PM]
I really have to go.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:32 PM]
Not so fast, Baby Kat. Hey, that kinda rhymes…Anyway, where did you find the nudes? O_o
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:24 PM]
Your portfolio….
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:35 PM]
Tell you what, I'll go down to the bakery and get the desserts. Anything for my number one fan ;) Stick that foam finger in the air, baby, and do a Miley Cyrus!
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:36 PM]
Anything you're hungry for, besides my sausage? If ya know what I mean…;)
[From: Katie ;) Fri. 2:40 PM]
Go fuck yourself, Diamond. I'm done.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:41 PM]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:46 PM]
Katie?
[To: Katie ;) Fri. 2:52 PM]
KATIE!
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:01 PM]
I can't believe you sent me nude pictures of you! My boss had to borrow my phone and your picture text came up while she was using it! Now she thinks I'm dating a porn actor or a stripper or something!
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:01 PM]
Oopsies. My bad.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:03 PM]
Yeah, your bad. I will get you back for this Diamond! Just wait and see. X-(
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:03 PM]
Terrifying. I'm shaking in my XL briefs. Wanna know why they're extra large?
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:05 PM]
Because you're a huge dick? Better keep one eye open, Diamond.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:06 PM]
Because I will rear end you.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:07 PM]
Oooh, you have a strap-on? Kinky lil thing aren't you? I've never taken it in the ass before, could be interesting. You gonna make me your bitch? ;)
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri: 4:08 PM]
…Fucking auto correct! I meant, I WILL END YOU! *Cue evil laugh*.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:09 PM]
Uh huh. Sure. Whatever you say, Baby Kat.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri: 4:11 PM]
Just you wait, Diamond. Just you wait.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:12 PM]
So you're not going to make me your bitch? I'm disappointed, Baby Kat, I really am.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:13 PM]
*Growls* I'm going now.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:13 PM]
Awww, aren't you cute? My little lion cub!
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:14 PM]
Um…Thanks…?
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:17 PM]
1 New Picture Message.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:19 PM]
Really?! You sent me a picture of a lion cub?! Do I look like a lion cub to you?!
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:20 PM]
You're my Baby Kat/lion cub. Anyway, I got the doughnuts, cake, and cookies, along with the lemon pound cake you love so much.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:22 PM]
Thanks….I'm going now.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 4:30 PM]
1 New Picture Message.
[From: The Pain in My Ass: Fri. 4:30 PM]
Enjoy this magazine picture with me holding a baby lion :* Meet you at home!
[From: The Pain in My Ass: Fri. 5:02 PM]
This is the best dick I've ever had!
[From: The Pain in My Ass: Fri. 5:02 PM]
Or doughnut…
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Fri. 5:03 PM]
Someone making you their bitch, Jamie?
[From: The Pain in My Ass: Fri. 5:04 PM]
Fucking autocorrect -_-
Incoming Call From "The Pain in My Ass": Fri. 5:20 PM
"What?"
"Hello to you too, Baby Kat."
"What do you want, James?"
"When are you leaving work?"
"I just did. Why?"
"Because. I'm lonely."
"So, go get a lion cub to keep you company."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"The zoo took a restraining order against me…Stop laughing, Katie!"
"What the hell did you do?!"
"They keep all those poor animals locked up, Katie! They're in cages!"
"They're not in cages. They're in enclosures that are simulated to replicate their natural habitats."
….
"In English, please?"
"Sheesh. I said, they're kept in closed in areas that are similar to the places where they grew up."
"Why couldn't you just say that?"
"I did say that!"
"You're just like Logan sometimes, you know that?"
"Thank you!"
"Fucking hell…"
"What's that banging noise?"
"I'm hitting my head against the wall."
"Poor wall."
"I'm going to go get some ice. My head hurts now."
"I'm shocked. You have such a hard head. It's a shame it's not actually protecting anything."
"Oh, hardy har, har, that was so fucking funny I forgot to fucking laugh."
"I thought it was. Anyway, I'm about to get into my car."
"You do that. The lemon pound cake is waiting for you."
"Goody. I love that pound cake. If I could, I would make love to it."
….
"You could make love to me…"
"Like I would. Gross."
"You would. It's why you went looking for my portfolio."
"I didn't go looking for it! I was looking for my portfolio and I stumbled across yours."
"And? What did you think of it?"
"I…was…pleasantly surprised."
"Hah! I knew it! You think I'm hot."
"Guilty as charged."
"You want to fuck me!"
"Don't get ahead of yourself. Just because I think you're hot doesn't mean that I want to fuck you."
"Uh, it kind of does, Katie."
"It doesn't."
"It does."
"Doesn't."
"Does."
"Doesn't."
"Does."
"Doesn't."
"Doesn't."
"Does – damn it! STOP LAUGHING, JAMES! FUCKING HELL! I can't believe I was just tricked by you of all people!"
"Don't insult my intelligence, Baby Kat. It hurts."
"I thought sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt?"
"Well, words may sting a little…"
"Uh huh."
"Are you driving yet?"
"No, I'm sitting in my car, talking to you."
"Sounds worthwhile."
"Believe me, it's not."
"Just come home so that you can fuck me."
"I'm not fucking you!"
"So you say."
"It's not happening. I don't know where you go the dumbass idea that I'm going to sleep with you."
"From you looking at my nudes and admitting that you think I'm hot."
"Oh, for heaven's sake…"
"How do you like it?"
"Excuse me?"
"Do you prefer to be on top or on bottom?"
….
"Katie? Are you still there?"
"I'm not answering that, you perverted pig!"
"Bottom, huh? Up against a wall? Doggy style? Maybe handcuffed?"
….
"Katie?"
"Y-y-yeah?"
"Any preferences there?"
"Um…I have to go…"
"Getting all worked up?"
"I'm not answering that!'
"So you are."
"God! Can't you just shut up?"
"You shouldn't use the Lord's name in vain, and you certainly shouldn't tell him to shut up."
"Says the stripper and nude model. And I wasn't telling him to shut up! I was telling you!"
"Part time stripper and sometimes nude model! Sheesh. Get your facts right, Baby Kat. And that's rude"
"Right, my mistake. And oh well."
"'Baby show me
By the way you hold me
Way that you control me
Speed me up or slow me
Oh when I'm lonely
Full of stormy weather
Can you make it better
I heard what you told me
So-o oh show me.'"
….
"What the fuck was that?"
"I don't know, it just popped into my head. Catchy, huh? If there was a dance to it, there'd be a lot of hip swinging and pelvic thrusts."
"Uh huh…"
"So, figured out what position you want?"
"No."
"Playing hard to get, huh?"
"I'm not playing."
"Sure."
"I'm not!"
"Uh huh. Anyway, you know that text you sent Camille?"
"Which one?"
"The one from this morning."
….
"How do you know about it…?"
"Know why she never replied back?"
….
….
"You sent it to me. So, I'll be waiting in your bed, naked, with chocolate syrup, cherries, and whipped cream."
"Oh my God…"
"See you soon, Baby Kat."
"Um…See you soon…"
[To: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:35 AM]
So…I took your advice.
[From: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:42 AM]
Yeah?
[To: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:44 AM]
Yeah. I sent the text to James, pretending that I was talking to you. He totally bought it.
[From: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:45 AM]
And it worked?
[To: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:46 AM]
Let me put it this way. I'll never look at chocolate syrup, cherries, and whipped cream the same way ever again. Best. Sex. Ever.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Sat. 11:46 AM]
Stop texting Camille about how awesome sex is with me.
[To: The Pain in My Ass. Sat. 11:47 AM]
Like I would.
[From: The Pain in My Ass. Sat. 11:47 AM]
You would. Now, get back to bed, Baby Kat. I'm waiting.
[To: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:48 AM]
Did I mention he's really hot?
[From: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:49 AM]
A couple of times.
[To: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:54 AM]
This is James. I stole Katie's phone. She's currently unavailable and will be for the next few hours. Have a good day, Cami. And wow, I can't believe I'm in her address book as Pain in My Ass…
[From: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:55 AM]
….
[To: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:56 AM]
:D Au revoir. Buh bye. Don't text her, call her, or try to contact her in any way for the next few hours, please. Thanks! Oh, and also thanks for coming up with that plan about her pretending to text you. I owe you big time for that ;)
[From: Camille Roberts. Sat. 11:57 AM]
Anytime…
Oh my gosh...I can't look...*hides in closet and covers face*. Go easy on me, okay? Please? I'd ask you guys to review, but I'm a little afraid to hear your thoughts on it...So, um...*dashes away from computer*.