Clarke swallowed without chewing and ripped another piece of flesh off the bone. She couldn't get the food down fast enough for her growling stomach and was so focused on answering her bodies needs, she forgot all manners.
Eventually she realized that Raven and Bellamy were staring at her like she had two heads.
"What?", she asked confused between chewing and looked from one to the other.
"That's disgusting.", Bellamy finally said, smirking. "When did you turn into an animal?"
Clarke closed her mouth and finished chewing, feeling her cheeks flush with embarrassment. "Sorry, I'm starving.", she was defending herself, her stomach still turning painfully. She pressed her hand flat down over it in an attempt to sooth it.
"Obviously.", Raven stated dryly and furrowed her brows, taking a bite of her bread. "Where were you all day anyway?"
Clark froze at the question and met her dark haired friend's suspicious eyes. Ever since Finn's death, Raven had it in for her. Not that she could blame her, they had both loved him but Clarke had only really known him a very short time. She couldn't even begin to imagine the kind of pain Raven was feeling after knowing and loving him for years. To her, Finn was gone and it was all Clarke's fault. He had lost it and killed all those grounders because he had been under the assumption they had killed Clarke. And if he hadn't even fallen in love with her, he would still be with them.
But no matter how much Raven hated her guts for the role she played in his death, she could never blame her more than Clarke already blamed herself. Her head could never quite convince her heart.
"She was with Lexa.", a voice behind Clarke answered for her and in the next second, Octavia appeared out of the darkness that had settled over Ton DC into the light of the camp fire the three were sitting around on logs. She grabbed a bread from the basket sitting between Raven and Clarke on the ground and sat down next to the blonde, taking a large bite.
Raven looked from Clarke to Octavia and back again. "All day?", she dug deeper and put her elbows on her knees, staring at the blonde.
Clarke felt cornered and she didn't really know why. So what? She had been made the voice of her people, Lexa was the leader of the grounders, wasn't it kind of mandatory that the two of them spent time together? How they spent it was an entirely different matter and also not what Raven was getting upset about.
The blonde put down her plate and met Raven's eyes. "You know what Raven? How about you make the decisions from now and get your ass handed to you every single time. How does that sound?", Clarke exploded suddenly and barked at the other woman. She could see both Bellamy and Octavia flinch in the corner of her eyes and even Raven didn't expect a reaction like this from her. The surprise softened her features a little and Clarke realized this was maybe not the best but obviously an effective way to get her off her back at least for the moment. And it wasn't like she had to make stuff up, either.
"I'm doing the best I can and all everybody does is blame me. I'm sick of it!", she went on, her voice carrying through the night, attracting the attention of the grounders around them. Dozens of eyes were on Clarke and she instantly regretted going this far, even though she was really just speaking her mind at last.
Turning on her heel, the blonde stormed off. She was annoyed that, no matter day or night, camp Jaha or Ton DC, surrounded by grounders or her own people, she just didn't seem to be allowed a moment in peace.
Reaching her tent, she threw the curtain mimicking a door aside so forcefully, the frame of her space trembled. She was panting with anger, her hands clenched to fists, and stared into the little room the tent made hers. The bed was carved out of the trunk of a tree and covered with furs and blankets to make it more comfortable than Clarke had initially thought it could be. Her backpack was leaning against it. To her left was a small table put together with branches that held a bowl of water for her to freshen up.
Still tense, Clarke decided to call it an early night and without taking off any of her clothes – something she had grown used to here on earth - lied down on her bed. She rolled to her side, wrapping her arm around her stomach that, now she was slowly calming down, continued to remind her how hungry she was. She pressed her arm against her stomach a little tighter and watched the red lights dancing on the ground the camp fire outside painted through a gap in the curtain.
Clarke felt her body ache now it was finally allowed some rest, felt her muscles burn and her skin throb where bruises covered her.
Lexa had been merciless, had pushed her to meet every limit her body and mind had. She had also been very good at teaching her and even Clarke had noticed improvements in her technique quite fast. At the end of the day, after she had felt the Commander's blade against her neck too many times to count, had been kicked to the ground even more often, she had felt a sense of accomplishment, like she now stood at least a slight chance if she had no gun but a sword in her hand.
Clarke couldn't help the shy smile that conquered her lips. Today, though utterly exhausting and painful, was the first day in a long time she felt like she was more than prey.
Having Lexa train her, pointing out her weaknesses and how to compensate them, showing her how to cause maximum damage with minimal effort and how to protect herself, had been exhilarating. Though she was aching now, it was the kind of pain letting you feel, you are alive.
Clarke's mind started wandering as the camp outside slowly quieted down. She thought of Lexa and wondered how she had become the woman she was today. What had happened to make her the Commander and had she wanted to take on the duty or simply not been given any choice? She tried to imagine the brunette with the lover Clarke knew had been killed because of her title and power.
The blonde tried to create a mental image of Costia, not so much what she looked like but who she was. Was she like Lexa? Focused, determined and factual or had she been the opposite - compensating her duties and responsibilities with warmth, safety and love? Had she made her laugh?
Clarke wondered what her laugh sounded like but her imagination failed her. It belonged to a side of Lexa she wasn't supposed to know. After all, she was only here in Ton DC as means to an end. Her people needed the grounders for their sheer numbers and ability to fight while they needed her and her people for their understanding of Mount Weather and its tech. To save their people was everyone's goal and it was, what united them. It should be the only thing on Clarke's mind and yet...
She couldn't have slept long, the fire outside was still burning and no birds were yet chirping in keen anticipation for another day. Sitting up, Clarke's stomach was growling loudly and she could even feel it turn. She pressed her hand on it but it didn't offer much relief.
Debating whether or not she should wait until sunrise to answer her stomach's noisy demand, Clarke decided that the middle of the night would probably be a more peaceful time to eat. At least no one would be there to see and judge her.
She got up and slipped outside, trying to maneuver her way through the camp without attracting too much attention. A few heads turned briefly as she passed but no spiteful eyes were following her now. The blonde wasn't sure whether it was due to the late hour and fewer grounders around or if their Commander's words were being obeyed.
Clarke was heading towards the storage tent, looking over her shoulder as she went. She wasn't even sure if she was allowed to enter and take any of the supplies. Standing in front of it, she hesitated. The tent wasn't protected and as if her stomach was trying to will her to enter, it growled loudly once more.
She hadn't finished her dinner, she argued with herself, so basically she was just catching up on that. Looking over her shoulder to make sure she wasn't being watched, Clarke finally mustered up the courage to enter and ran against a wall of so many scents, she couldn't identify a single one.
She couldn't see much of what was stashed here, only a basket of apples and loafs of bread that were sitting on a wooden shelf illuminated by what little light fell through the gap of the entrance. Clarke grabbed two apples and a loaf of bread and hurried back outside, taking a few steps away from the storage and looked around if anyone had seen her but it was just her and the darkness of the night. She stuffed the apples into the pockets of her jacket and then ripped a piece of bread off the loaf. Chewing, she started walking and realized, when she heard the faint sound of metal meeting metal, she was headed in the wrong direction.
Pausing for a moment, she was looking back to where her tent was and then down the path she was headed, recognizing it as the one she had been lead down in the morning. Clarke frowned and taking another bite from her bread, let her curiosity get the better of her.
The closer she got the louder the clanking grew and was mixed with noises of struggle and the faint sound of footsteps on soft ground.
Reaching the fenced area, three pairs of warriors where dueling each other in the training arena Clarke had spent most of her day in. The large space was only lit by a single torch in one corner, the flames too weak to cover all of it. Which seemed to be the point, Clarke guessed. They were training to be able to fight to their best ability even when they could not rely on their eyes properly. Darkness was one thing but the dancing flames were irritating even her and she was just standing there, watching.
Now that she had at least basic knowledge on how to fight, watching them move, attack and ward off was quite instructional. Making sure the light of the torch didn't give her away, the blonde moved a little closer to study their technique and made mental notes to try some combinations next time she got a chance. Her loaf of bread was slowly disappearing and when her stomach grumbled again, it was with satisfaction.
Feeling full, Clarke also felt the weariness creep into her bones and tug on her consciousness. She rubbed her eyes and decided on returning to her bed for what was left of the night.
Coming up the path and just taking the corner leading to her tent, she heard noises in her back and turning around, saw the gates being opened. At first, she saw nothing but darkness but then formed a white spot in the gap the open doors left. Quickly it grew bigger until she recognized the shape of a horse.
The gray horse came racing in, foam dripping form his mouth and eyes wide with panic. The Commander on its back willed it to slow down and stop with a gentle tug on the reins and a low, hardly audible "hooooo". The brunette petted his neck, trying to calm him and Clarke noticed four deep gashes across his chest, turning his spotless white fur a dark red all the way down to his hooves.
Lexa jumped from his back, rubbing his neck and soothingly petted his nose. At first the horse was throwing his head back but the brunette remained calm and kept her hands on him and Clarke could watch how he slowly relaxed, his popping veins becoming one with his muscles again, his breathing slowing down and the panic faded from his eyes.
Lexa's guard took over her horse and nodded when the brunette gave him an order in Trigedasleng. Around Lexa, her warriors had also dismounted and were following the gray horse with their own down a path leading into the heart of Ton DC.
Clarke was still standing there, frozen to the ground, staring at the Commander who was looking after her horse and stood with her back to the blonde. She debated whether she should just hide and head for her tent, pretending she hadn't seen any of this or find out what Lexa had been up to in the middle of the night when the brunette turned to walk the other way and noticeably flinched.
She watched the leader of the grounders put her hand against her right side just beneath her ribs and heard her suck in the air sharply. When she took away her hand again to look at it, even Clarke could see the blood, reflecting the little light the dying camp fires still shone.
"You're hurt.", Clarke said worriedly without thinking and approached the Commander without hesitation. Lexa flinched again but this time it was due to the blonde's sudden appearance.
Clarke was just reaching out to touch the brunette and examine the wound when her opposite stiffened and took a step back.
"It's nothing, I'm fine.", Lexa said dismissively. When the blonde looked from her wound up she met narrowed eyes surrounded by black war paint, looking at her warningly.
Clarke furrowed her brows and looked at her skeptically. "That's not nothing.", she told her, grabbing Lexa's hand completely covered in blood and made her wince once more "That is far from nothing.", she insisted.
The brunette pulled her hand from Clarke's grip and glared at her. The blonde swallowed when the Commander's green eyes were meeting hers with anger and frustration. For a moment she considered obeying to her wishes. If she didn't want her help and act all tough, so be it. Clarke was just about to open her mouth and tell her "Fine" when Lexa's eyes clouded over and her face drained of all color. She swayed slightly and shook her head, trying to fight the weakness taking over her body.
Clarke noticed how she tried to assess from the corner of her eyes, how many of her people were watching her Commander waver but there was no one around anymore.
Instinctively, the blonde grabbed her wrist and put Lexa's arm around her shoulders, supporting her and leading her back to her tent. She could feel the brunette wanting to protest but walking seemed too painful for her to have enough breath left to speak.
Inside she made her sit down and searched for supplies. She found a knife and a bowl, some cloths and a metal pitcher with water and returned to the Commander with it. When she knelt down in front of her and picked up the knife, for a moment, green eyes met hers suspiciously and the brunette's body tensed noticeably.
"I just want to help.", she told her and decided being aggressive and stubborn wouldn't get her anywhere with the leader of the grounders.
"I know you don't want my help and you probably don't necessarily need it either but this is what I'm good at. This is what I know how to do so just...let me, okay?", she continued and though she was also worried about the Commander's health, her words were still true. Her mother had taught her everything about wounds and before they had locked her up condemning her a criminal, she had helped in the infirmary regularly and not just learned a lot but also felt as useful as one could possibly feel living in a box in space waiting for the day your life could begin on the ground.
The moment Lexa's eyes were searching in hers seemed endless and for some reason, Clarke didn't mind. She had nothing to hide and unlike the Commander, she wasn't afraid to admit she had more than one weakness. There was nothing the brunette could find in their depth, she needed to hide. She was no warrior, she was just a girl who was trying to do right by her people and survive.
Finally the Commander's eyes softened and she nodded, allowing Clarke to continue. Taking a deep breath, the blonde brought the knife up to Lexa's torso. This time, she didn't tense but watched her hand as it cut away the fabric of her shirt and parts of the leather armor wrapped around her waist. Underneath was a cut about thirty centimeters long, reaching from her hip up to her ribs. Blood was seeping through the wound continuously. All of the skin the blonde had revealed under her clothes was covered with blood, half of which had already dried.
Lexa must've been hurt a while ago which was probably why it had managed to weaken her. The wound wasn't that deep but the Commander had kept going through the pain and with time, had lost enough blood to rob her of her strength and put her in danger.
"You should lie down.", Clarke suggested and poured some water into the bowl before dipping one of the cloths into it.
The brunette didn't move and when Clarke looked at her, her eyes spoke volumes. She was already beyond every boundary her title demanded and the blonde wondered, if even their healer was allowed in such close proximity to their Heda.
"Or you just keep sitting.", she mumbled and felt her cheeks flush a little, realizing for the first time since she had noticed Lexa's injury, how close she was to her and how she had completely faded out the kind of power her opposite had.
She wrung out the cloth and under green eyes monitoring every move, started cleaning around the wound and the closer she got, the more she felt the brunette's muscles tense under her skin but no sound escaped her lips.
"I'll be right back.", Clarke told the Commander and got up, realizing the wound would not stop bleeding on its own and considering how much blood she'd already lost, she needed to make sure she wouldn't lose any more. "Please don't move.", she added and was almost begging for the brunette to be sensible.
To her surprise, Lexa hadn't moved an inch when she returned from her tent with her backpack she put down next to the bowl. She rummaging through it in search for some bandages she had taken with her from camp Jaha. Finally she found what she was looking for and pulled three bandages and an almost empty bottle with clear liquid out of the bag.
Unscrewing the bottle she shifted closer to the brunette. "This is gonna hurt.", she warned her and looked up to meet her eyes, waiting for the Commander to brace herself for the pain. She was met with another nod and watched Lexa press her lips tightly together and her muscles tense in preparation.
Clarke turned the bottle over and the moment the liquor met the wound, the brunette sucked in the air sharply. Panting, her hands clenched and teeth gritted. Clarke waited with a mixture of guilt and empathy for the Commander to collect herself again. Slowly her breathing stabilized and her muscles relaxed a little.
"Sorry.", the blonde told her and avoided her eyes, trying to give her space and not pry when her guard was down.
Unpacking two sterile bandages, she pressed them against the wound and caused Lexa to yelp in pain. "Sorry!", Clarke repeated and her voice resonated with sympathy. She still didn't dare meet those green eyes but took Lexa's clenched hand. "Press down.", she told her and reached for the third bandage to fix the others with enough pressure in place to stop the bleeding.
"How did this happen anyway?", she tried to distract the leader of the grounders as much as she wanted to satisfy her curiosity and wrapped the bandage around her waist.
"Reapers.", Lexa hissed through barely opened teeth and Clarke knew, that was all the information she was gonna get.
Leaning in closer to Lexa to be able to wrap the layers around her torso she felt a strange tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach. Feeling the brunette's warm skin under her hands, breathing seemed suddenly a lot harder to do. Her chest was rising and falling but air didn't seem to make it to her lungs.
Time felt like it was standing still, except for her heart racing in her chest and Clarke felt as if she would explode any second now. There was something about being this close to Lexa, that was almost painful.
Her hands were shaking when she reached the end of the bandage and tried tucking it under its layers to keep it from loosening but it took her three attempts to get it to finally stick.
Now her hands were idle, Clarke felt strangely awkward about how she was kneeling in front of the Commander, the softness of her skin still lingering on her fingertips. And this time, she didn't dare meet those green eyes for Lexa's benefit but because she didn't want her to see the confusion that was taking over inside of her.
"Mochof*", the brunette broke the silence and her voice was so gentle, the surprise drew Clarke's eyes to meet hers. She didn't understand much of their language but this one she knew.
As she looked at the brunette, despite the warpaint and smudges of blood across of her face, for the first time she didn't wear that mask supposed to keep her features cold and shielded from preying eyes searching for weakness. She wasn't looking at the leader of the grounders but at a woman who suddenly seemed much younger and on the inside fighting a war no alliance could help her win.
"Pro**", Clarke answered softly and allowed a slight smile to curl the corner of her mouth. The moment they're eyes locked seemed endless and much too short at the same time but in the end, it was Clarke who dropped her eyes. She couldn't take the intensity with which Lexa's eyes met hers.
"You should rest.", she added, grabbing her backpack before getting up and headed for the entrance.
Outside, Clarke paused and put her head back, taking a deep breath and felt the cool night air fill her lungs. She was hoping for it to clear her mind, too, but there was so much chaos in her head, too loud for her to focus. She looked back at the entrance of the tent and wondered what would have happened if she had stayed. Would she have seen more of what Lexa was so fiercely hiding of herself behind the Commander?
Clarke felt so utterly confused and overwhelmed with what had just happened, she decided to let it be for now and headed back to her tent to allow sleep to take over for a little while, in hopes that tomorrow she would see everything more clearly.
*mochof = thank you
**pro = you're welcome