Zim For President
Chapter 4: stuff happens
One week later…
"That chicken…" cursed Zim after finding out that Mike would be returning to Skool of all places to make a promotional speech. Frankly, he'd have preferred President Man. At least you could poke fun at him. Mike, on the other hand, Mike's name had made its way onto Zim's ever-growing shit list.
Turning off the TV, he decided that his regular report to the Almighty Tallests was well overdue. He turned on the monitor that was cleverly concealed ass a picture of….some….. sort of…. monkey…..and contacted them.
"My Tallests, I have many interesting things to report." Zim began.
Red and Purple rolled their eyes. "Oh, really?" they asked sarcastically.
"Yes. You see, the humans are stupider than I had thought."
The tallests slurped loudly on their soft-drinks, Interrupting Zim.
"As I was saying-" Zim said again, irritated.
Red yawned loudly and Purple munched fervently on potato chips.
"Listen to me!" Zim yelled. The Almighty Tallests paused for a second, then returned to their snacks as though Zim weren't there. Frustrated, Zim switched off the large monitor and stomped off to the base in a terrible mood.
That's odd, thought Dib as he typed away at his computer. Meatipedia is down. Crap, now how can I do my research? He decided to investigate, and after consulting a few reluctant Swollen Eyeballs members, he learned that Meatipedia was offline due President Man's bid to make the internet copyright-friendly. What a joke. Without blatant plagiarism, the internet is nothing!
After thinking about it, Dib came to dislike the idea more and more. He figured that it was nothing to worry about, though, as such a crazy proposition would never go ahead anyways, since President Man and his lackeys wouldn't know the first thing about the internet to begin with, anyways.
Unfortunately though, and due to some tragic turn of events, the Stop Lemon-flavoured Online Piracy Act, or SLOPA, went ahead after all, and after checking his Pootube account, Dib found that all his crucial videos that were necessary for convincing mankind of the existence of aliens had all been removed due to some sort of copyright infringement. Something had to be done. SLOPA was interfering with his plans to save humanity from an alien invasion. He had to protest somehow, but occupying a public area in protest did nothing but teach people about percentages. No, he needed a better method if he wanted to save his beloved internet and eventually all of humankind.
"Dib! It's time for Skool!" Yelled Gaz. "Or you could just fester in your room for a million years, I don't care either way."
Hurrying down the stairs, Dib decided that his plans for stopping SLOPA in its tracks would have to wait.
Zim entered Skool to find a bunch of camera crews and bodyguards there. That's right. Mike the Headless Chicken was campaigning here today. But why Skool of all places? That chicken was almost as crazy as the humans. And at least ten times as smart, which made him quite the considerable foe.
Which was why Zim had chosen this day in particular to assassinate the soon-to-be president. If he could prevent this bird's rise to power, then humanity would continue to be weak, stupid and ignorant; prime conditions for an invasion.
What bothered Zim about this was that Mike never made any moves himself. He just sat at the back of the class and observed. Maybe he wasn't here to campaign after all. But in that case, what business could he have here? Zim frowned and continued to stare at the chicken, for once in his life wishing that something were a grotesque pile of processed meat. He would have to bide his time, until an opportunity to dispose of Mike arose.
That opportunity presented itself several hours later, when Mike managed to slip out of the classroom unnoticed by his legion of bodyguards. Zim followed him and watched him enter the storeroom. Waiting quietly outside for a moment, Zim activated his PAK legs and scurried quickly in after Mike, preparing to skewer him alive on on of his pointy robotic limbs.
"I have you now, pathetic bird-creature!" Zim laughed menacingly as he sprang on Mike, only to find that there was someone else in the room. Someone with a ridiculously big head.
"Dib-stink? Why must you always interfere with Zim's plans?" The Irken shrieked. "What were you two DOING in here?"
"That's what she said." Dib sniggered, changing the subject.
"Who is this 'She'? Do they also pose a threat to Zim's MIGHTY PLANS?" Zim demanded.
"Nevermind…." Dib said.
"TELL ME!"
"Go away."
"Fine," spat Zim, hissing in frustration. "I'll leave you two In Private." He'd just have to find another way of eliminating the headless chicken. As he sneaked back to class, he thought of something he'd never previously considered. If it was easy enough for a headless chicken to gain the humans' trust and use it for their own wicked means, then it would be a walk in the park for the Mighty Zim. The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. Zim smiled wickedly.
I believe I have the answer to eliminating Mike, humiliating Dib, and learning EVERYTHING about the human race whilst manipulating them like fat, meaty puppets. Yes, Zim shall wade into the endlessly repeating and fruitless bitchfight known as politics!
"So, what were you saying?" Dib asked Mike as soon as Zim was out the door, suspicious about what the fascist chicken could want with him.
"I need your help, Dib." He said flatly, just as mistrusting of Dib as Dib was of him.
"Why me?" Dib asked. "I don't support your corrupt and false ideals."
"We are united by two common enemies:" Though Mike did not have a face, if he did it would be twisted into a devilish smirk. "Zim and SLOPA."
"How did you know I hate SLOPA? And what have you got against that ALIEN?"
"That's not important right now. What's important is that if you help me stop President Man and SLOPA (and rule America with an iron fist), I shall expose Zim for you using my newfound power as President."
Dib didn't know what to say. He was delighted at the opportunity to expose Zim as an alien once and for all, but he still couldn't trust a bird without a face. You could never tell what it was thinking, or rather, what would be in store for America should it replace President Man. Just then, about twenty bodyguards surrounded Dib and he knew that he had no choice but to accept.
AN/ DUNDUNDUN! Hooray for cliffhangers! With blackmail! Fabulous blackmail!
I don't know how you'll receive the whole SOPA thing, but I thought it'd be cool to see how the characters reacted to real-world situations, such as EVERY INTERNET NERD'S IMPENDING DOOM! I shall stop ranting about SOPA now, because it got old as soon as the internet heard about it. Let's just hope is spared from their wrath.