Disclaimer: I do not now, nor have I ever claimed any ownership of Glee, its characters, or the way those characters are mistreated on television. I wouldn't claim the hot mess this show has become for anything in the world.

Sam POV

After I agreed to learn at the feet of the guru, Puckerman led me into his closet. When I got inside, I stood there for a minute, shocked. I figured Puck's help would basically amount to a midnight viewing of a dirty movie, with a running commentary on "things to do" and "things not to do." To be honest, I expected Puck's training class to mostly consist of him trying to get dirty details about my sex life with Mercy; but I was dead wrong. Puck had obviously spent a lot of time and energy making his "school" a good one. Dude even had visual aids!

I looked around before asking "How long have you been doing this Puck?"

"I first helped one of my boys out sophomore year; then somebody I took under my wing after I got out of Juvie suggested I get more organized. I pretty much blew him off, but when Zizes dumped me, I got bored and remembered what he said, so I built the classroom." Puck came in, grabbed a dry-erase marker, and sat down on top of the table along the far wall of the closet like Mr. Shue does in Spanish class. After gesturing for me to sit at the desk, he asked "Any more questions?"

While I walked over and sat in the desk chair, I thought about what he had just told me. It sounds to me like he gave Finn some advice before he slept with Santana, which makes sense, since that was before Finn had a step-dad to talk to. The dude who suggested he "get organized" was probably Artie, since they were really tight back when Puck first came back from Juvie, and it sounds like something Artie would say. And if Puck got this whole classroom together at the beginning of the summer, then Mike must have been his first real student. Right now I'm thinking, I probably came to the right place.

"Just a few; first, where did all this stuff come from?" I hope he had a good cover story, I needed plausible deniability, just in case someone accused him of stealing from the school.

"Goodwill, Salvation Army…schools donate all this stuff when they upgrade, you know."

"Right…"

Okay, he must really think I'm stupid...

"How will you know if I'm making any progress, did Goodwill sell you some sex-ed tests for me to take too?"

"Up until now I've been relying on the McKinley rumor mill. Like, I help a dude out, teach him some things, and a later on I hear the girl's been bragging on how he laid the pipe…"

Yeah everybody on the team knows about Artie and his skills.

"…But that's not gonna work here; Jones likes to gossip about other people's business but she ain't gonna tell hers like that for real. Plus, it takes a while to get that kind of feedback. Since you're taking the extended course, and I'll be seeing you every week I'm gonna have to trust what you tell me."

I don't like where this is going.

"You can let me know if she's not feeling what you're doing and we'll focus on whatever stuff you need help with. I'm sure your girl will let you know if you're doing something wrong…."

If this asshole thinks I'm gonna give him images of Mercy to put in his spank-bank he's out of his mind.

"…Don't shit yourself, dude, I can be professional."

Huh…

"So how do we start?"

Did he make out a lesson plan or something?

"We can use tonight to determine why Jones thinks you need help in the foreplay department, cause I figure Mama had a reason for that 'breaking bad habits' shit."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too," I figured if he was like my therapist I might as well tell him the truth, no matter how embarrassing it is. "Do girls usually throw hints if you do something wrong?"

"I wouldn't know dude. But if she had the porn talk in mind before you even got there, something must have happened last time you saw her, right?"

"Right, last Friday night, I opened her blouse and bra while we were making out. You think I did something wrong?"

God I hope not, her boobs were amazing.

"I'm so fighting the urge to congratulate you on meeting the twins right now... so go ahead, tell me how you fucked up."

"How am I supposed to know? I just touched her with my hands…d'you think I was too rough or something?"

I was probably kneading her tits like dough and hurt her. I'm an asshole.

"Maybe, what were the girls in the porn flick like? Big boobies?" I nodded, thinking none of them had shit on 'Cedes. "Yeah, every last one. One of 'em was so sensitive she even came when the dude tongued her nipples."

Damn that was hot.

"I don't think she was faking either."

Hmmm, I wonder…

"Come to think of it, I think the movie was called Lips and Nips."

"I think you just answered your own question, dude. She wanted you to play with her more, maybe use them lips" Puck commented, then he took the marker and went to the dry-erase board behind him. "Take the blank play-book out of the desk. You may need to take notes."

Then Puckerman writes "THE DO's and DON"Ts of 2nd BASE" on the board, and I guess class was in session. It took about an hour, with him pulling out all these titty mags, and using this doll head with tits to demonstrate stuff. Dude even used a laser pointer to show me the erogenous zones of the female body on a poster! By the time we got into a debate on "licking and biting vs. sucking and nibbling" I was pretty sure I could write a book on the second-hand knowledge I now had about boobs.

After Ta-Ta 101 was over, Puckerman wanted to walk me through an overview of third base strategies, just in case I got that far before next week.

"I'm pretty sure I know the basic mechanics of 3rd base, dude."

I mean, how complicated could it be?

"I'm pretty sure you think you do," the dickwad replied.

That was the most embarrassing 2 hours of my life so far; I found out more than I ever wanted to know about playing with a girl's pussy. I had no idea it took so much concentration and attention to detail. And Puck was dedicated; I never knew he gave this much thought to anything. I had to listen to the 'Zilla drone on and on about pubic hair density (who knew he liked his girls bushy), how much finger penetration a virgin can take without it hurting, and how what a girl eats affects how she smells down there. Puck even made me do a "clit scavenger hunt," where I had to locate a very vital part of the female anatomy on each one of his big-ass posters (I only missed one).

He also let a little too much spill about all of his former students. I really don't want to know which one of one of my Glee bros actually let Puck talk him into sticking his fingers in a fake vag, or which one did a "smell sample" of his panty collection….that's just a little TMI for me. I eventually did end up with some pretty awesome tips, though, so it was worth it.

By the time we finished "Below The Belt for Beginners," it was almost 1 in the morning, so we went to bed. I texted Mercy, and she invited me over to hang out with her tomorrow night while her parents had date night. I guess I'd have some feedback for my professor at the next class session.