A/N- This story is highly based off of my own experiences so please keep that in mind with any criticisms you want to throw at me. The dub-con sex scene in this was extremely hard for me to write for obvious reasons. I just felt like I needed to say that.

I completed all of this while listening to dark side of the moon on repeat. It was awesome.

DUB-CON WARNING, WITH NON-CON THEMES. DO NOT READ IF THAT IS A TRIGGER. You can skip that part if you like (O.o.O – O.o.O is a part) the part where it happens starts with "I lost my virginity…"

Blainers is here :) also I just want to say, this isn't a story about Blaine saving Kurt, it's about Kurt saving himself.

I do not own glee please review!

"As bees their sting, so the promiscuous leave behind them in each encounter something of themselves by which they are made to suffer." –Cyril Connolly

The first thing I remember feeling the next day was out of place in my own mind.

I was sober, and although I had only gotten high once, and although it had only lasted 5 hours before I fell asleep, it was as though my mind was suppose to be flying, and to be on the ground was like trying to walk on water.

The idea of going to school in an hour was outright despicable, but somehow I managed to ghost my way through my morning routine and slide into a somewhat decent outfit.

Everything around me looked different. It was like looking at the possessions of long lost friend who had died and left you standing in the rain, covered in blood and so, so alone. My clothes felt like lies, and when I looked in the mirror I saw my neck was covered in bruises. My lips still looked swollen, and when I remembered the feeling of Ethan's cock in my mouth I buckled over a gagged.

It was done. I couldn't take my actions back, and even that made me feel imprisoned. I couldn't change time, and even if I could, would I?

The night before had been my twisted dream come true, and although I still felt pride and accomplishment, I also felt as though part of me had gone forever. To think of even two days ago was like thinking of lost childhood memories, too distant to relate to.

My father was sitting at the kitchen table when I went upstairs, and I couldn't look him in the eyes. I was scared that if I did he would somehow see the truth in my worthless face.

I couldn't help thinking, 'if only he knew…' Part of me even wished to tell him. Part of me wanted to tell him how horrible I had been, how much I had hurt myself. I wanted to show him the scars on my arms and I wanted to tell him that I had been a whore. I wanted him to hold my hand like he had after my mother had died; I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay and that somehow things could be normal again.

But when I looked into his eyes I knew I could never do that. I loved him, and the knowledge would tear him apart.

When he asked about the purple under my eyes and the scarf around my neck worn on a warm day, I told him I was catching a cold. I ached with shame when he told me I should stay home, how he said it with such concern, but I still did it anyway.

O.o.O

I went to Ethan's that day while my dad was at work. Apparently his parents had kicked him out and left him with nothing but his extremely large trust fund, and Ethan saw that as an iron clad reason not to have a job. The second I walked into that dingy old shed, all the shame I had experienced that morning seemed to evaporate. It was as though this shed with its nasty couches and cracked window was my safe haven, were it was okay to be broken because everyone else was too.

When I got inside there were only four people. Ethan, Cody the lighter guy, and two girls I recognized from school. They were on the cheer team at McKinley, and they were juniors. Apparently they had skipped school too.

One of the girls was a dotty looking blonde wearing tight shorts and a spaghetti strap under shirt, while the other girl was a fierce looking Latina wearing a skin tight, low cut, and very short black dress who I recognized at Santana lopez.

When the Santana saw me walk in she looked at me for a moment, then broke out into laughter. I tried to ignore her, but her laughter still rang in my ears as I went to sit next to Ethan who was smirking at me sinisterly. He patted his lap, and with a strange reappearance of shame, I got up and sat on it. Santana laughed again.

The blonde girl however came to sit with us and said "Hi, I'm Brittany!"

I smiled at her and said "I'm Kurt." My smile turned into a grimace however when the thickly bearded, grimy looking Cody who was sitting next to her wrapped his arm around her and began to suck at her neck. Brittany didn't look as though this was strange, but I saw Santana look at the man with a pronounced hatred.

I leaned into Ethan's ear and said "are they dating?" for I couldn't see two people more unlikely to be attracted to each other.

Ethan just laughed loudly and reached for the table to take off a spun glass object. It was blue and green, and I recognized it is a pipe, for I had seen my grandfather smoking a wooden one when I was little.

He placed it on my lap then reached over again to get a large bag filled with green shriveled up leaves all clumped together because they were still on their stems. He placed that on my lap too, and I saw small white crystals and bright red streaks mixed in with the bright green. I recognized it as marijuana.

As Ethan began pinching off chunks of the weed and stuffing it tightly into the bowl of the pipe, I asked "Is this kind laced too?"

"No" he said distractedly, "you brought money right?"

I smiled widely and said breathily "yah."

O.o.O

Going to Ethan's became a norm for me. Every day after school I would go over there and we would get high. Some days I would pay him money, and some days I would give him a blowjob, or give one to whatever friends had brought the drugs that day. Some didn't want to look at me while I did it because they wanted to pretend I was a girl. Others pulled my hair so fiercely they tore small chunks out of my scalp, but to me those were just a new type of scar. Those Scars were just as beautiful as the ones that laced my arms, and they were part of me.

When the men pretended I was someone else, they would sometimes whimper and moan out the names of those who had their thoughts. It made me feel worthless, and I loved having another reason to hate myself. It was as though I was searching for any way to prove I was nothing, and clung to every excuse like a life line. For reasons I didn't find out until much later, those sick little victories kept me going day after day.

I started losing weight, and my cheeks started to hallow out slightly. Ethan told me I got more handsome every day, and maybe I did, but the dark purple splotches under my eyes started to grow as well.

I had asked my dad to text me if he ever planned on coming home early just so I wouldn't think it was a burglar, but really I wanted a heads up so I could get home from Ethan's before my dad did.

My father couldn't help but notice that every time he saw me I would become more and more sick looking. It took a good hour and a half of yelling and persuading one Friday afternoon to keep him from taking me to the doctor when I had come home with bloodshot eyes, almost unable to put one foot in front of the other. The last thing I needed was a blood test. Part of me was surprised he didn't catch on, but I think my father would have never guessed I would do drugs. He thought it would be completely out of character, so he believed every lie I threw at him and in the end concluded that I was just letting the bullies get to me. I just hoped that excuse could last through the summer.

Whenever I was at Ethan's, I couldn't help noticing the way Santana's eyes sparkled when she looked at Brittany, and the way Santana always stood slightly ahead of her, as if ready to protect her if the situation came.

Brittany was, as my first impression of her had suspected, not the smartest of people. It actually was to the point where I figured she must be mentally retarded to some level, but I didn't care. She was the only person in that shed that never sneered at me. She treated me like a human, and I came to love her as a friend.

She let men take advantage of her however, and she didn't seem to realize that was what she was doing. Men would take her out back and fuck her, and then she would come inside and act as though all they had done was have pleasant conversation. She never got anything from it, and it broke my heart. I couldn't understand how someone could take advantage at an innocent, sweet girl like Brittany and still sleep soundly at night.

Every day I was watching to see when the light in her eyes would go out like I was sure mine were doing, like I knew Ethan's had done, but they never did. It both annoyed and fascinated me.

The worst part was seeing the look on Santana's face as these greasy, wasted men would hurt her. Every time Brittany would leave the shed with a man, Santana would whisper something in Brittany's ear and then sit down, obviously trying to restrain herself from crying.

Knowing full well that Santana was the school bitch, I had first thought she was jealous. But then as time wore on it became obvious that she truly cared for Brittany. There had been this one time when Brittany had been about to go out with one of Ethan's acid dealers, and Cody the lighter guy had offered to tape it on the guys phone. Brittany had absolutely loved the idea, thinking she could become internet famous.

Santana however had stood up and showed a fierceness that seemed to vibrate through the entire room. She had screamed at the acid dealer in Spanish, occasionally interjected with English curse words. Brittany had looked genuinely confused, and when Santana slapped the man across the face with a ringed hand so hard she drew blood, Brittany had come to sit next to me and I held her while she cried.

For a moment, I was the one who was jealous. I remembered how Cody had taped me giving Ethan a blowjob my very first day here, and I wished someone had fought for my well being. I imagined some nameless, faceless boy swooping in and saving me from myself. He would tell me everything was okay, and magically it would become so. He would kiss me, and love me for the messed up, twisted, broken child that I was.

When the dealer had left without getting laid, Santana had turned on Cody the liger guy and punched him in the face. I had no idea a girl with such skinny arms could punch so hard to cause a gigantic black bruise, but apparently there was a lot about Santana that didn't meet the eye.

Brittany had refused to look at Santana for a whole hour while she whispered unheard things into the frightened and confused girl's ear. After an hour however, Brittany unburied herself from my shoulder and hugged Santana, and they spent the rest of the day curled up together on the sofa. I had never seen Santana more at ease.

O.o.O

I lost my virginity on the last day of my freshman year of high school. It had been my idea of a normal day; just going to Ethan's after school while my dad was still at work.

Ethan had gotten a new acid dealer named 'Bubha' since the Santana incident. I couldn't actually believe that was the guys name, but at least he was mildly attractive. He was normal height and bony but with awesome hair and a straight nose. I had never done acid before, and I was anxious to do it because although I had heard it was the best experience one could have, it also made people a danger to themselves.

When Bubha had gotten to the shed, he and Ethan did the exchange and decided they would trip together. I had glared at Ethan because I was getting tired of him doing drugs without me right in front of me, but Ethan smiled and began having a whispered conversation with Bubha. I tried to listen in, but I couldn't hear what the two were saying, all I knew was that Bubha was smirking like a fool.

I wasn't stupid, and I was sure I was about to be sold off to suck this guys dick before I was allowed to have a tab of the acid Bubha had in his pocket, and I couldn't help thinking how lucky I was that something so simple could get me something I wanted so much.

Ethan and Bubha turned to me.

"Kurt," Ethan said "I have a mattress out back, you know the one Brittany always uses, Bubha here says he'll give you two tabs if he can fuck you." Ethan was staring at me with that same look he had the first time he had asked for a blowjob. He was expecting me to back out, to run.

It was true that my heart rate increased terribly with the end of Ethan's words, and for a moment I was completely still.

Virginity had never meant to me what it meant to other people. I always knew that if the opportunity to lose it presented itself, no matter the circumstances, I would be unable to say no.

But it was frightening to just have it thrown at me like that. I wanted to say yes so badly, and at the time I had no idea why.

I stood up and walked towards them.

"What's acid like, Ethan?" I said, avoiding Bubha's gaze.

Looking as though he was trying to hide the fact that he was taken aback, though I couldn't imagine why, Ethan said "It's like falling down the rabbit hole."

"I'll tell you what," said Bubha "how 'bout you take the tabs now, and when they start to take effect, then well go out back. There's nothing better than sex on hallucinogens."

I stared at him for a moment, and then nodded, casting my head down.

Once we had all sat down, Bubha pulled out of his pocket a wad of tinfoil, and unwrapped it to reveal a few small squares of paper. He handed Ethan three and me two, and then swallowed four for himself. Ethan and I swallowed the small pieces of paper. I waited for something to happen, but nothing did.

"How long does it take?" I asked.

"30 minutes to an hour. It last about six though." Answered Ethan as he laid back against the couch and began riffling through the channels on the 90's TV set.

I stared at him. "Six hours. I have to leave in 3!" I said, outraged. Ethan ignored me.

After about 40 minutes, I found myself staring at the coat rack. At first I didn't notice anything was different, it was just a coat rack. But then I started noticing that the coats wrack was breathing, and for a moment I believed it was a wood nymph in disguise, until I realized wood nymphs surely would put up with so many coats on their arms. Then I realized wood nymphs didn't exist, and for I moment I felt as though this information was like finding out that Santa didn't exist all over again.

The music playing from the television began to pulse through my body, and I could have sworn my heart beat was conducting the tune. More minutes passed as I felt my heartbeat wave and dance with the music.

I put my right hand over my chest, my other hand laying on my thigh, and some time later I experienced a moment of horror when I realized my right hand was much larger than my left. I began to freak out, I even started to tear up, until I held both hands in front of my face so they had the same perspective and realized they were the same size again. My hands looked like planets, floating there in space, and I suddenly realized I was my own being, experiencing space and time separately from all other beings. For a moment I almost felt like god.

Bubha seemed to notice I had begun feeling the drug, because he took my hand and led me outside. I looked back into the shed as we went through the door, and saw Ethan lying flat on his back on the floor, arm reaching out in front of him into the air, as if trying to grab something only he could see.

The trip to the mattress behind the shed felt like a lifetime. I found myself staring at the sun, overwhelmed with the truth of its size, and how it was just a ball of burning gas in space. The reality seemed too much to comprehend, and it was as though the truth of its existence could tear me apart just by thinking about it. I didn't even notice it had been burning my eyes.

But then I was thrown onto the bed roughly, and Bubha was tearing off my pants. Once my pants were off he turned me roughly onto my stomach and began pulling my boxer briefs down while licking up my legs and ass.

I felt as though my very consciousness was centered in my lower spine, in the same way a sober mind's consciousness is centered near the eyes. Every time he licked or bit me it felt like he was doing it to my entire body, not just that one spot.

I heard the snap of a bottle opening, and then two fingers were roughly thrust into me without any warning and I cried out. I had my eyes closed, and there where swirls of colors behind my eyelids that danced with Bubha's finger.

After only two fingers he was pushing inside of me, and I began to cry silently. For a minute I had no idea where I was, all I knew was a Stanger was thrusting into me, and it hurt worse than anything I had ever felt in my life.

The entire world, all of existence was centered and concentrated in these particles and nerve endings. Nothing else in the world existed except for this stranger hurting me and using me, and even their air was tainted. I and this stranger were floating in space, bound by this pain that was all I could see.

Soon I began to smell the noises of skin slapping on skin, and I didn't understand it. How could you smell a sound? But at the same time it made perfect sense, because no matter what common sense said, I smelled the sound and I could taste it on my tongue, and I wanted to throw up and get such a horrid thing out of my body.

Later I would know that it was the drugs and Bubha's indifference to my well being that made it so painful and strange, and somewhere inside I knew that it wasn't always that bad, but in that moment I was disgusted with myself.

The acid was making him feel huge inside me; as if he was filling up my entire body and ruining everything I was on the inside. When he came I felt his come inside me, and to my horror, I realized he hadn't used a condom. It felt like poison, and I wanted nothing more than for it to leave my body, or for my body to leave me.

As he pulled out, pulled up his pants and walked away, I just curled up half naked and cried, trying to pretend the swirls and colors behind my eyelids were telling me it was all a bad dream. I don't know how, but the spirals told me everything was okay.

O.o.O

I cried myself to sleep again that night, and my bed felt even more foreign then it had before. I had called Mercedes and begged her to take me home, but then hung up when I realized my dad would notice if my car mysteriously disappeared. It was already a miracle he hadn't noticed it getting dirtier.

Driving home that day was one of the most dangerous things I have ever done. During one terrifying minute I had realized only a second on time that I was driving in the wrong lane, and I had almost had a head on collision with a school bus. I ran at least 3 stop lights, and I spent the entire time trying not to believe that all the other cars were just bugs, and that I had shrank and was operating a car disguised as a bug to fool the other bugs. It would have been funny if I hadn't been sure I was going to die.

The next day I didn't go to Ethan's, but instead lay in bed and tried to absorb the truth of what had happened, or more so what I had done. I had consented to be fucked by a stranger so I could do acid, but the irony of it was that the acid had made it a million times worse.

I found myself trying to convince myself that it was worth it, which I had done a million times before; this was just knocking it up a level. I tried to feel that souring pride I had felt after I gave my first blowjob.

I remembered how the first time I sucked Ethan off It had felt like part of me had left my body. This time it was much more apparent, much more potent. I felt as though every cell in my body had sizzled out only to be replaced with ashes.

By the end of the day I had managed to burry my shame into the back of my mind, to ignore it ever happened. Instead I allowed myself to see the night previous as a learning experience, something to look back on next time.

O.o.O

One day early on in the summer, I had come over to Ethan's around 11 because he had told me he had a new stash of coke and would give me some if I sucked off the guy he got it from. It hadn't been the most pleasant experience of my life because the man was overweight and hairy, but I got it over with and after I had a few good hits of weed and had my line and a half of coke I had pretty much forgotten. I hadn't been fucked since that one horrible occasion, but blowjobs were old news and weren't much of a big deal to me anymore.

Ethan and I were the only ones there after the dealer had left, and around noon we heard raised voiced coming from right outside the door.

"I don't see why you had to bring him Brit!"

"He's nice Santana! And I forced him to come so don't be mean to him. A lot of people are mean to him and I like being nice to people."

The door slammed open and Santana stormed inside and fell onto the couch looking highly irritated. Brittany hopped in looked cheerful as ever and sat down next to Santana. After a beat, a timid boy who looked around my age scuttled in looking supremely out of place. His black hair was gelled down, and he was wearing a bowtie and suspenders with ankle length pants and a tucked in, button down shirt.

I couldn't help but feel a few butterflies flutter around in my stomach. The boy looked like a textbook nerd, but he was also classically handsome. His large honey eyes surveyed the room with curiosity, but also with fear.

He sat himself timidly next to Brittany, looking as though he would rather be anywhere else but there.

He didn't seem to want to look at anyone, and for the next hour I found myself staring at him as he did nothing at all accept exchange a few words with Brittany.

Ethan became annoyed at my inattention and began sucking on my neck, and that seemed to gain the boys attention. He caught sight of us and his eyes widened almost comically, and then he turned away fast. I smirked to myself and captured Ethan's lips on my own. After making out with Ethan for a few hours and passing around Santana's new bong a few times, the timid boy refusing to so much as touch it, Ethan went out to the store while I wandered over to the new boy feeling loose and reckless. Cocaine always gave me a big head and way too much confidence.

"Hi." I said into his ear as he tried to move closer to Brittany in order to get further away from me.

"Hi." He said curtly, determinately avoiding my eyes.

"What's your name?" I said sweetly, propping my chin up on his shoulder.

There was a moment's silence, and then he said "Blaine."

"Hello Blaine, you know, I give awesome head, and you're so cute ill even do you for free." I said into his ear, biting his earlobe when I was done the same way Ethan had the day we first met.

Blaine's head spun around and he stared me right in the eyes. I could see, ever so faintly, my reflection in his large, honey eyes. I saw my drooping eyelids and stuck up hair. I looked as though I was ill, sick, dying. Blaine seemed to stare right through my eyes, and my foolish grin slid off my face. For the first time in weeks, I felt ashamed of myself.

Then the moment was gone, and Blaine was standing up to pronounce he was leaving. As he stormed out of the shed, he looked back at me for a moment, and I saw pity in his gaze.

O.o.O

Later that day Brittany and I were sitting together, and I was trying to avoid the smell of whiskey coming from her solo cup. People always found it strange that when it came to drugs I was willing to do anything, but I wouldn't even go near alcohol. The truth was that the smell made me want to vomit, and there were a few times I narrowly avoided doing so.

"Brittany..."

"Hmm?" she said, sipping from her cup with apparent relish. I suppressed a gag.

"That Blaine kid… how do you know him?"

Brittany's face lit up and she went straight into her story like I knew she would. "Oh! Blaine! He's so nice Kurt. There were some people in our P.E. class before school ended that were always being so mean to him and I always told them to stop. I was so sad because he always looked like he would cry, and they always called him a fairy but I wasn't quite sure why that was a bad thing because I think faeries are awesome and Blaine's awesome, but I used to always make him feel better. We hung out a lot too when I didn't come here with Santana, and I always have so much fun here I wanted to show him. I don't think he liked it though… Santana's not very nice to him. She says he's a looser, but he's so nice Kurt." She broke off, breathing rather heavily as she had said all that with very few breathes, and looked at me with a benign smile.

"Oh… well you should bring him around more. He's… he's cute." I blushed.

I had no idea what was going on in my head. I hadn't blushed in weeks, and these feelings I was having were just strange and alien to me. Blaine had seemed to look right into my soul, and it made me feel naked and vulnerable, far more vulnerable in fact than when I had stranger's cocks in my mouth. It was as though he knew. It was as though he knew what was inside me and part of me hated it, while another part of me wanted him to scream it to my face so I could maybe accept it myself. I wanted him to tell me why I did all the things I had, and why I was so thrilled that my life was one huge mess that I could go home and cry about for hours.

But I was being stupid. I had been high, and I was imagining things. Weed makes you think of everything on a completely new and deeper level, and that was all it was. Blaine had pitied me, and nothing else. For the second time in weeks, for the second time that day, I felt ashamed of myself.