To thine own self be true

Lily

I had to admit I was a tad bit mad with Remus. Of course that was totally irrational since I had been in Germany the last week and he actually had told me everything that had happened on the phone, but still…The poor boy lost his home and his family in one day and a few hours later he finds a job and a flat? That wasn't exactly what I'd call normal. Also, I found it a bit unnerving that he seemed to be so close with Potter and Black lately. Again, I knew I was being ridiculous. I should be happy for Remus to be making new friends but did it have to be those two of all people? If I was just totally honest with myself I would have to admit that I was jealous; because although I did my best, not to I have noticed the way Remus' eyes lit up every time he spoke of Sirius, which was fairly often. Once again I just wished, I could be the one that could make him feel so happy.

(13:05; from: Sev)

I'm sorry I didn't answer any of your calls. I had a lot to do. Would you like to meet up later? I'd like to talk to you and apologize.

I stared at my phone. He had nerves! First he ignores me for weeks and weeks and now he thinks everything is okay because of a fricking text message? As much as I wanted to forgive Severus, there was still quite a lot he needed to explain. For example, would I really love to know what that phone call had been about that we had had after my visit at the hospital. Or why he had kept ignoring me ever since then. And I finally wanted to know what had happened between Remus and him that made them turn from close friends to complete strangers, because every time I mentioned the topic with Remus he would get all tensed up and say that I should talk to Severus about that. Still glaring at the screen, I realised than Severus was yet, waiting for an answer.

(13:09; to: Sev)

Apology accepted for now. Yes, I would. Meet me in 10?

(13:09; from: Sev)

Ok. Shack?

(13:10; to: Sev)

Ok.

I quickly went downstairs to get my shoes and a jacket and then I hurried down the street towards the woods. It was a fine day but I didn't really notice any of that. I was about to enter the Shack for the first time after I had found Remus lying on the floor, motionless, bleeding.

When I arrived, Severus was already waiting for me. He looked nervous which filled me with a strange, sadistic satisfaction.

»Fancy seeing you again. «, I said coolly. I wouldn't make this so easy for him; not this time.

»Look, I'm sorry Lily, okay? I should have talked to you earlier. «

»So you should. «

»What can I do to make you forgive me? «

»A few answers would be nice. «

»Alright. Anything. «

I saw it in his eyes that he meant it. After all, I probably was his only real friend and the only one he could confine in without pretending to be someone else. I suddenly felt guilty for using this power I evidently had over him for my advantage. Nevertheless, I did want answers.

»Because I knew you would be angry with me and because I had no reason whatsoever for snapping at you the other day. «

»Why did you then? «, I asked.

»Did what? «

»Snap at me. «

»I don't know. I was just…angry I guess. I'd had just another run in with Black and then Potter had tried to drown me and I had no idea where you were…«

I had a feeling that he wasn't being entirely honest. Surely, a run in with Potter and Black was pretty upsetting I could confirm as much but there was something else…»Are you sure it was just that? Because you have quarrels with Potter and Black all the time and you usually don't turn into a complete dick afterwards. «. Severus shrugged. Great answer, I thought.

»See, «, I tried again. »Rem was in the hospital and I'm sorry if I expected you, as my friend, to give me a bit of support there. «.

Severus blushed. He looked guilty and I felt bad for making him feel that way.

»You're right. You're always right, Lils. I'm sorry. Why was he in hospital, anyway? «

»Do you really care? «

»What's that supposed to mean? «

»Well, as far as I know you two haven't spoken to each other for years. You never cared before. «

»I care for you. «, Severus whispered and blushed even more, then he raised his voice a bit. »You are obviously upset about it and since I have failed as a friend on that day I want to make it up to you now. «

»He tried to commit suicide, Sev. «

»What? «, Severus looked at me in sheer disbelief, his eyes wide in shock.

»I said, he tried to - «

»I heard what you said. «, he interrupted me. »I mean…how…why? «

»Can't you tell? «

Although Remus and Sev hadn't been talking for about three years now I knew for a fact that he was fully aware of Remus' situation at home; he too had met Fenrir Freyback enough times to last for a lifetime. Remus had always been unhappy.

»I suppose I can, but…«, he broke off. I sympathised with him because it was a lot to take in and to comprehend but I had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, I would finally get an honest answer.

»Sev, why did you to fall out? «.

Severus raised his head and looked me in the eyes. He held my gaze for a moment before he shut his eyelids and started talking. »We didn't fall out. Not really. Remember, when we were 14 or 15 Remus and I were so close you started to get jealous sometimes? You never wanted du admit it but we all knew you were and Remus and I teased you because of it. At some point he started to tell me stuff that he didn't want to tell you. Stuff he was afraid to talk about. It was mostly about him being gay. Greyback always insulted him and called him faggot and poof and god knows what else and he started to realise that he was exactly that and it scared him. He didn't want to talk to you because you are a girl and he didn't know how you would react and because you two were always so close he as afraid that you might expect more from him than just friendship and he wasn't sure so he didn't want to hurt your feelings. I listened. And then one day, we were at his home because his mum and Greyback were out, we sat on his bed, talking again and then I suggested that if he wasn't sure, he should just try it out. Then we kissed. Greyback walked in on us and…and I accused Remus of harassing me and that it had all been his fault and I said very nasty things and then I left. I left him with Greyback although I knew what he would most probably do. After that I kind of avoided him and then a few weeks later we had one last talk and decided that it would be best if I stayed away from him. In those few weeks when we didn't talk I started hanging out with Tom, Lucius, Barty and the others. «, his eyes still closed Sev came to an end and took a deep breath before opening his eyes again. I saw fear in his face. Severus was never afraid. I swallowed, fully aware that he expected some kind of reaction but how was I supposed to react? What was I supposed to say? »I – I - «, I stuttered. »I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, Sev. I need to think about this. «. Then I left and I swear I could see a single tear running down Severus' cheek.

Remus

I sat on my bed in my new room in Peter's flat, which was now also my flat. The day after the pub I had taken a look at the room and another day later I had moved in. The room was small but comfortable. A desk stood in front of the window, at the opposite wall bed and a wardrobe. That had been two weeks ago and Remus was surprised at how quick he got used to his new home. Peter, Marlene and Dorcas were very nice people and either Sirius or James came by almost every day, sometime both of them.

Knock, knock. The door opened and Lily poked her head through the door.

»Lily. What are you doing here? «

»I, er…«, she seemed nervous so I made some space on the bed and told her to sit down. »I just spoke to Sev. «, she said after a moment of silence. I nodded, »And? «.

»And we talked about…stuff…you know? «

»Stuff? «

»Yeah…stuff. «

I blinked. Lily didn't make the impression like she was about to say anything more on that matter and I wasn't sure if I should push her. Did I really want to know what kind of 'stuff' he had told her?

»Lily - «, I started, but she held up her hand and I shut up.

»He apologized for snapping at me that day after I visited you in the hospital. «

»That is a good thing, isn't it? «

»It is. He asked about you. «

»What? Why would he do that? «, I asked. I hadn't spoken to Severus for three years. Ever since that Day neither of us had had the intention of pretending like everything was fine.

»That's what I asked him as well. « she didn't look at me, instead she kept her eye fixed on the tree outside the window. »He told me, Rem. «. I wanted to ask what it was that he had told her but of course I knew. There was just one thing that she didn't know. »Oh. «

»Why did you never say anything? «

»After it happened I was ashamed. Ashamed and angry. I didn't want to upset you. And then I had that last talk with Severus and he made me promise, practically begged me, not to tell you. «. Lily nodded, then she finally turned her head to look at me. There was no anger in her eyes. »Did you ever - «. she hesitated. »I mean, were you ever - «, she stopped again, seemingly unable to say it. »You mean if I ever had a crush on him? «. she nodded and I couldn't help but laugh. »God, no! «. Lily seemed relieved and started laughing as well.

»Hullo you two. «, Peter said. I hadn't even noticed him in the door. »D'you fancy some biscuits? Apparently, Dorcas was bored and started baking. «. We followed him into the kitchen where we found Dorcas cleaning up the remaining mess of her 'boredom'. The biscuits were delicious and soon we were laughing and talking about every day stuff. Lily and Dorcas got along pretty good which I was relieved about because that girl really deserved some more friends.

»Oh, before I forget. Potter showed up at the book shop again. «, Lily suddenly said.

»When was that? «, I asked. I knew of course that he had visited her there, Sirius had told me the story more than once

»Today. «, she sounded frustrated and very angry. » I slapped him. « I laughed and Lily shot me a furious glance. That was just so much like James. I knew that he was a bit obsessed with Lily and of course he wouldn't give up so easily. »It's not funny. «, she hissed.

»I'm sorry Lils, it's just…well…it is. Kind of. «, I smiled apologetically and we quickly changed the subject. After an hour or so I excused myself because I had to go to work. Back in my room I quickly got changed, when my mobile buzzed.

(16:30; from: Padfoot)

Hi you working 2nite? mind if i come around later?

(16:31; to: Padfoot)

Hi back. Yes I am and no I don't mind. You always tend to spice things up.

(16:31; from: Padfoot)

That's cuz of my incredible good look and my sense of humor.

(16:31; to Padfoot)

I'm afraid I only agree with one of those things

(16:31; from Padfoot)

You dont think im funny? =/

(16:32; to Padfoot)

Maybe. Maybe not ;)

(16:32; from Padfoot)

Youre a cruel man remus lupin. you might be able to make it up to me tho ;)

(16:32; to Padfoot)

Is that so? And how would I do that?

(16:32; from: Padfoot)

Im sure you can think of sth ;)

With a wide smile on my face I left the flat to go to 'Tom's Tavern'.

Lily

After Remus had left the room, Dorcas went to have a shower and I was left alone with Peter in a rather awkward silence. He cleared his throat, then opened his mouth and closed it again. I furrowed my brow at him. He tried again, »He's not so bad you know. James. «. I blinked. Where was this coming from? I was unable to say anything so he went on. »He acts like a total git and sometimes it's not really an act but once you get to know him better he's alright. I'm just saying. It wasn't him that lured Snape onto that tree. That was Sirius. James had no idea until Sirius told him and then he tried to save him. «

»What? «

»James. He saved Snape's life. «

I needed a moment to let that sink in. Why would Potter do something like that? »But – but he hates Sev. «

»So? Doesn't mean he wants to see him dead, though, does it? And you know Sirius. He's impulsive and he doesn't think. Once he'd realised what he had done he felt really guilty about it. «

»Right. «, I couldn't say anything else. Maybe I should apologize to Potter? No. Or should I?

»I just thought you should know. He really likes you and I mean you don't have to give him a chance but think about it. «

»Right. « I said again. Getting up from my chair. »I'm sorry. I have to go. See you Pete. «

»Bye. «

I left the flat, my head was spinning. Severus was right. I needed to get a grip. Remus was gay and my best friend. There was no use in being miserable because he didn't see me the way I saw him. Maybe I should give Potter a chance after all.

Sirius

(20:51; from: Moony)

Help me! I'm being molested by an 80-year-old lady!

I looked at my phone and let out a loud barking laugher. I had promised that I would come over to the pub at around 10 p.m., well it seems like I might go just a little sooner.

(20:51, to: Moony)

I'm shocked. you should have said youre into sugar mummies

(20:52; from: Moony)

I hate you Sirius Black. I really hate you

(20:52; to: Moony)

Oh the pain. My heart is forever broken.

(20:52; from: Moony)

Idc. You're still disgusting. But I'll let you make it up to me ;)

(20:52; to: Moony)

I? make it up to you? isnt it more the other way round?

(20:53; from: Moony)

Guess that makes us even then ;)

(20:53; to: Moony)

Bollocks. And i was so looking forward to that

(20:53; from: Moony)

Were you, now? And what exactly did you think I would do?

(20:54; to: Moony)

Surprise me. i like surprises

(20:54; from: Moony)

I might still do that

I sat in my room, impatiently eyeing the clock. I didn't want to wait any longer. I got up and quickly opened my wardrobe. What should I wear? My eyes fell onto a pair of very tight, very ripped, black jeans I had only just bought. A smile crept over my face. A few minutes later I watched myself in the mirror. In addition to the yeans I had put on my t – shirt from 'The Clash', my combat boots and my favourite leather jacket; the one with the rivets and the graffito on the back. I tied my hair back in a messy bun and applied some eyeliner. Fairly satisfied I set off afoot; my bike wouldn't be any help for me once I'd drank a beer or two.

Half an hour later I stood in front of 'Tom's Tavern', taking one last deep breath, I opened the door and entered.

James

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I frowned. Steps in the hallway. A door creaked.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Steppes on the staircase. The front door was shut. Silence.

Weird. I thought. Sirius didn't say he wanted to go out. And it was weird indeed because he would never miss the opportunity to drag me along to some party; but then again, Sirius had behaved rather strange the last couple of days. He was constantly on his phone, smiling and he was also different with me. He had always used to watch me whenever he had thought I wouldn't notice, he would make up excuses for physical contact and we would always talk about everything. Now that I thought about it properly, I hadn't had a serious conversation with him ever since the incident, as we now called it. It made me sad. He was my brother and my best friend and I slowly realised that I hadn't exactly treated him like that for the last weeks, maybe months. I had been worried about him because of the things that had happened at his home but apart from that I hadn't showed any actual interest. Not like him. Wow, what kind of a best friend are you? I thought bitterly. What was even worse, I had actually enjoyed the thought of him, the famous Sirius Black, crushing on me. Who does that? Dickheads and wankers. I'm not like that, am I? Wasn't I? Shit, even Lily thought I was an arrogant, little brat. Today had been the third slap I had received from her; it was frustrating. I tried. I really did. But she seemed to be determined to hate me. Just what did I do wrong?

Remus

My fingers were itching to pull out my phone again, to see whether Sirius had send another massage but I knew better. Tom had shot me a warning glance earlier already and I knew that Sirius wouldn't be here any sooner just because I kept staring at my mobile phone. I felt a breeze of cold on my neck and turned around; there in the door frame, stood Sirius. I swallowed. He wore dead tight jeans, some band shirt and a studded leather jacket, his hair was bound back in a messy bun and it looked like he had put on some make up. It was hot. I smiled what I hoped was a confident smile and turned back to the table I was supposed to clean up. Sirius stepped through the room towards the bar and I followed him with my eyes. On the back of his jacket was a graffito, saying 'You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give', I tried to supress a smile, which was probably just half – successful because Mrs. Norma Norris, a very old, very annoying lady that was pestering me the whole night already gave me a dirty look and winked.

»Now you should have said that there would be such a handsome young man. I don't mind two or your sort. «, she called across the room, earning loads of laugher. I tried not to blush and called back, » Bit old for that, don't you think? Wouldn't want to exhaust yourself, would you? «.

»Honey I might look like an old bat but I've got plenty of fire left. «

»I'm sure you're dying to hear all about that fire. «, a husky voice behind me said. I turned around and found myself standing way too close in front of Sirius who was smiling at me in his flirty, gorgeous, Sirius – ish way. I stepped back and smiled as well. Was there a hint of disappointment in his eyes?

»Glad you came. «, I said.

»Me too. «

»I - «, I started but Tom's voice brought me back to reality. »Remus could you please go back to your work! You'll have plenty of time once your shift is over! «.

»Yeah. Sorry. «, I called back and gave Sirius an apologetic look. He seemed amused and just shrugged. One look at the clock told me that, indeed, my shift was almost over. About an hour later I was free and sat down next to Sirius in a dark corner.

»Now, this looks cosy. «, I teased him and earned a mysterious grin.

»Just think of all the things I could be doing to you here in the dark. «

»Anything in particular you'd like to do? «

The smile grew bigger and I could feel a hand on my thigh. Sirius' eyes were fixed on mine and I held his gaze.

»Remus, Remus, I'd have never thought you as the dirty sort. «

»What can I say. I'm full of surprises. «

»I like surprises.

»So you said. «

»I did. «

I gulped. My mouth felt terribly dry and my heart was racing.

»Do you - «, I hesitated. Shit, I was nervous. »D'you wanna come back to mine? There's some beer in the fridge, I think. «

»I think I might want that very much actually. «

We quickly left the pub and I was very grateful that Peter's flat (my flat too, you idiot) was only a few minutes afar. Sirius and I walked in silence, throwing glances at each other every now and then and I could practically see the electricity in the air between us. When we had finally reached the small house, I opened the door. Peter and Marlene were on a visit at Peter's parents and Dorcas would be in her room with earplugs in her ears.

»So. « I said slightly uncomfortable.

»So. «

»Way to start a conversation. «

»I'm still waiting for that surprise you promised. «, Sirius said with a smug smile on his face.

»And what makes you think you deserved that? «, I asked. I had no idea where that courage came from all of a sudden but it felt good. It felt right. I was distantly aware that I should probably step back and get that beer from the kitchen but I really, really didn't want to. We both knew what was about to happen and I didn't mind in the slightest.

»I've been a good boy. «, Sirius whispered in my ear. His voice was deep and rough and send little shudders down my spine. We stood only inches apart and I could feel the warmth of his body.

»I don't believe you. «, I breathed. »I think you've been a very naughty boy. You know what happens to naughty boys? «

»Show me. «

My blood was rushing in my ears. I was half aware that we still stood in the middle of the living room and if Dorcas should decide to go to the kitchen, she would walk right into us but I honestly couldn't bring myself to care. My hands reached out to grab Sirius face, lips crashing against lips. Sirius let out a sound of surprise but then wrapped his arms around my body to pull me closer. Our chests pressed together, I could feel his heart racing against mine. My hands started to explore Sirius' body, slowly wandering down his back until I reached his arse. Sirius drew in a sharp breath as I grabbed it firmly and I saw a burning desire in his eyes.

»Bedroom? «, I asked in a husky voice. Sirius nodded. »Bedroom. «. I grabbed Sirius' hand and dragged him to my room and the images blurred into each other, became one sweaty, hot mess of kisses and loud moans and when I thrust into a begging, wriggling Sirius, panting hard, sobbing my name, I knew this was it. This was how it was supposed to be.

Only much later we lay next to each other, still breathing hard, arms wrapped around each other and I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.