Pan Am – "More Love Than Two Can Handle"

Unexpected Developments

v1.0.2 (June 25, 2013)

Amanda opened the door, and before she even had the opportunity to welcome her guest, Laura rushed into the apartment in full glory of her Pan Am uniform and blurted out:

"Ted is going to join the Navy again, he is going to Vietnam and fight in the war."

"No, that won't happen, he is married and has a child, so they won't draft him." Amanda was confused about Laura's claim, but then she seemed to notice how upset she looked. "He is what they call a 'Kennedy Husband', they won't draft him!" she tried to reassure her friend, still without knowing the reasons for Laura's unexpected concerns.

Laura saw Amanda's untroubled smile, and at the same moment, she felt tears starting to run down her cheeks. All the way from the airport, she had been successful in suppressing them, but now, she couldn't hold them back any longer.

"I don't talk about conscription, he wants to volunteer!" she exclaimed. "He wants to rejoin the Navy and become an officer again, of his own accord."

Amanda peeked around the corner into the living room and said in a low voice:

"Shush! Teddy has been grumpy all day, don't wake him from his nap!"

With a swift movement Amanda ushered Laura into the master bedroom and quietly closed the door behind her. Laura was still in her full uniform, and now she took off the hat and jacket. She also pulled a handkerchief from her uniform jacket's pocket and dried her tears. Amanda's care for the baby gave her a second to calm herself down, and she took a deep breath before she looked a Amanda again. Her face showed concern now, but she was waiting for Laura to explain what she was talking about.

"So, after what happened on Friday…" Laura began, but Amanda interrupted her: "What happened on Friday?"

"Didn't Ted tell you?" Laura was surprised. "I thought he called you from London…"

"No, he didn't." Amanda's concerns were growing now. She stepped closer to Laura and placed her hand on her arm. When Laura realized that Ted had concealed the news from his wife, she sighed and sat down on the bed. Amanda settled next to her, and listened to Laura when she started to explain:

"Before we started for our London/Cairo flight on Friday, Ted and Dean were doing the preflight paperwork when Maggie and Captain Broyles joined us. Ted hinted something about this being his last flight as first officer, because Friday was the day at which the decision was due, and then Broyles said that he shouldn't count the chicken before they hatch. Apparently, Broyles had just talked to the promotion board president, and they had chosen to promote Jefferson and Blight and a third pilot, I think his name is Ford. He had just gotten engaged to the daughter of one of the vice presidents."

"So, Ted won't be promoted this time?" Amanda asked. Laura could see her face clouding. Ted had been so certain that he would become a captain on this day, and Amanda and Laura had been so happy for him. Now Laura felt Amanda's sympathy for her husband stirring her, the same thing that had happened to her three days ago.

"I'm sorry that you have to learn this from me, I thought you already knew from his call."

"He didn't call at all." Amanda's voice was low and spiritless. "I imagine he hasn't taken it well…"

"No, he hasn't." Laura confirmed. "You know how he is. He smiled at Broyles and said something like 'Better luck next time', but he hasn't taken it well. He was depressed all the time since then. We all tried to cheer him up, but he gave us no chance. He refused to talk to us at our first night in London. When we were in Cairo at the next day, Ted and Dean got drunk badly, and I hoped this would help him in some way. But when we returned to London last night, he even started a fight with Dean, because he got promoted so early. If Colette and I hadn't intervened, it would have gotten physical."

Laura could tell that Amanda was worried and troubled by what she was telling her. They both knew Ted as a very kind and gentle man. Laura had been genuinely shocked when she had witnessed Ted attacking Dean, shocked by this side of his character she had never seen before.

"You make me worry for Ted. Where is he?" Amanda inquired. "I expected him to come home way earlier than you, and now you are here, and he is not."

"Ted and Dean made up on the flight from London. Dean understands what Ted is feeling, so he accepted his apology." Laura explained. "They set off for some drinks right after our arrival, and they are probably going to get drunk again. Don't worry for Ted, Colette is with them to take care so that they won't start another fight. I came directly here when I overheard Ted and Dean talking at the airport."

"Is it this what upset you so much?" Amanda asked, and Laura slowly nodded in confirmation.

"The last thing I heard Ted say when he left with Dean was that he would leave Pan Am and rejoin the Navy. He told Dean that he longer believed in ever becoming a captain at Pan Am, but in the Navy, he would be commissioned at lieutenant rank and finally get his own plane. He even said that, if the Navy won't take him back, he would join the Air Force instead, so that he could become commanding officer of a bomber."

"He may have been just saying this in the heat of the moment." Amanda speculated. "Ted is angry now, he is disappointed, I can understand this. Just give him some days to calm down and rethink the situation, and he will forget those plans."

"I don't think so." Laura expressed her worries. "Ted was absolutely certain that he would become a captain this time, but this isn't just a disappointment about this one set-back. Ted is really frustrated with his career at Pan Am, you know as good as I know. And you also know how patriotic he can be. We both have heard him talk about Vietnam. Just remember when this thing in the Gulf of Tonkin happened last summer! If Teddy Junior hadn't been born just some weeks later, Ted would have volunteered right then!"

Laura shook her head emphatically.

"No, this isn't just some crazy idea." she insisted. "Ted really means it. And I suspect he also thinks he has to do this to prove something."

Laura was now touching on a subject which she would have avoided under all circumstances, if she hadn't felt it was important to let Amanda know everything concerning this crisis her husband was in. And she felt guilty. After Laura had managed to keep calm and unhysterical after the first short emotional breakdown, she now was tearing up again.

"I told you that we all tried to cheer Ted up and to comfort him. We all tried to make him feel better, and so did I, but in a different way than Dean and Colette and Maggie. Do you understand what I mean by that?"

Laura felt herself blushing in embarrassment while she was crying at the same time. Tears ran down across her heated cheeks. Amanda gently took the handkerchief from Laura's hand and dried her tears, but new tears were constantly following.

"I wanted to make him feel as good as we both always feel when we… are together as man and woman." was the most freely Laura could talk to Amanda about this issue, but she knew that she had to go into further details, and her cheeks glowed redder and her tears ran faster. "But it didn't work out as planned. We tried in London, and we tried again in Cairo. When we were back in London, Ted didn't even come to my room. I sneaked into his room and tried to make him feel better, but I wasn't successful. I wasn't able to spend Ted the comfort he needed in this situation. Now I fear that he thinks he has to prove his virility by becoming a soldier and going into war."

If Laura had been able to maintain some last emotional control, it now collapsed and she broke down and let her tears flow freely.

"It is all my fault, because I was not able to make him feel better. We three have an arrangement, an agreement on what each one of us contributes to our shared lives. In this arrangement, it is my task to make Ted happy. The only thing Ted and you demand from me is to make Ted's life be good, no matter what happens. I failed in this, I failed when he needed me most. It is my fault that Ted feels bad and that he is going to destroy what the four of us – he, you, Teddy Junior, and I – have. I failed Ted, and I failed you."

Laura was no longer able to speak. Her eyes were filled with tears, and her throat felt too tight to press any words through it. She felt responsible for Ted's happiness, and also for Amanda's happiness, because that was exactly what Amanda had asked Laura for when she had proposed this arrangement. For more than five months, Laura had fulfilled her obligations, and she had been richly rewarded by Ted with his love and by Amanda with her friendship. It had been the happiest time of Laura's life. But now, all this was falling to pieces, and to Laura, it was clear that she was the one of the three of them who had caused this. Ted's rejection had been the best proof to her.

Laura could physically feel the burden of this guilt, and she collapsed into Amanda's arms. She realized that her tears were dripping down from her face on Amanda's blouse, and in this she felt even more guilty. She was in need for solace, and she so longed for her best friend to comfort her. But how could she ask the very woman who she had hurt so bad for comfort? Laura tried to regain control over her emotions, or at least over her body. She wanted to straighten up, tried to lift her face from Amanda's shoulder. But when she tried to sit up, she felt Amanda's arm on her back, holding her down in close embrace. Amanda was petting Laura's back with one hand, and with her other hand, she was still trying to dry Laura's tears. At some point, she dropped the soaked handkerchief and simply placed her bare hand on Laura's heated, wet cheek.

"Don't tell yourself it's your fault." Amanda whispered into Laura's ear. "You have failed no one."

"But I have failed to make Ted feel good, in the most essential way a woman can fail. Maybe I don't love him enough. Maybe I'm just not pretty enough."

Laura had sobbed her words on Amanda's shoulder, no longer trying to raise from her friend's arms but burying her face into her neck. But now, Amanda grabbed her chin. With gentle force she lifted Laura's face from her shoulder and hold it up, in not more than two or three inches distance from her own face. She looked into Laura's eyes and softly, but with great determination repeated:

"Don't tell yourself it's your fault. It is not your fault that Ted hasn't been promoted. It is not your fault that Ted's feelings and his self-esteem are so overly dependent from his career. It is not your fault that Ted is depressed when things in his life don't work out as he wished. And most importantly, it is not your fault that he is not able to be the man he is used to be. You are a beautiful woman, Laura, and don't ever tell yourself otherwise."

Amanda looked deep into Laura's eyes, and Laura could see her friend's determination in her eyes. Her tears finally stopped. Suddenly she felt Amanda's grip on her chin tighten. Amanda slowly came closer, and then her lips touched Laura's lips. Every single muscle in Laura's body froze for a second. Her heart didn't beat, her lungs didn't breath, and her lips didn't react. Then she felt Amanda's tongue entering her lips and her mouth. Laura didn't move, she didn't answer, but she didn't resist either. Not before Amanda's lips left her mouth she dared to say anything.

"I don't…" was all Laura could utter, but then she was interrupted by Amanda, who placed her finger on Laura's lips.

"Don't say anything. Don't do anything." Amanda whispered. "I will take care of everything."

Amanda started to unbutton her uniform blouse, and Laura conformed her order. When Amanda had removed the blouse, she went on to do the same with skirt. She also removed Laura's shoes and tights, taking special care to not damage the thin nylon fabric. Then she gently lifted Laura's feet onto the bed and placed herself even closer to her. When Amanda turned towards the girdle, Laura involuntarily pulled in her belly, and Amanda smiled at her. Her practiced hands had no problems with removing the girdle and opening the bra, and when both pieces had dropped on the floor, Amanda laid her hands on Laura's shoulders and softly pushed the upper part of her body down. She brought her mouth close to Laura's ear and whispered:

"After all what you have done for Ted and me, it is time for me to make you feel good now."

Before Laura could even process what Amanda was doing, Amanda withdrew from her face and turned downwards again. She removed the last piece of clothing Laura was still wearing, and then she shifted her position. Amanda was now kneeling between Laura's legs, and she looked into her eyes when her fingers tenderly touched the most sensitive part of Laura's body, and Laura flinched. It was a unprecedented feeling, both physically – at least when she didn't count Dr Honigschnaps –, and even more emotionally. Knowing that her best friend did something even Ted had never done was confusing and even embarrassing, at least at first. But then Laura saw Amanda's smile, and when the warm emotions eased her running mind, the equally warm physical experience eased her body at the same time.

Amanda hold the eye contact when she then went down on Laura. Laura saw what Amanda was doing, and for a blink of an eye she felt shocked. Laura would never allow Ted to do such a gross thing with her! But then she not only saw, but felt Amanda's actions, her mouth and her fingers. She suddenly experienced a feeling that she had never experienced before. Her mouth opened, and a shy moan of pleasure escaped her throat. In her position, and because of what Amanda was doing right now, Laura was only able to see the upper half of Amanda's face. But both women were still maintaining eye contact, and when Laura moaned again, she saw satisfaction flashing up in Amanda's eyes. Laura closed her eyes and leaned back, and in this moment, she stopped worrying about anything.

– – – –

Laura heard the baby cry, and she opened her eyes. She needed a short moment to remember what had happened and to orientate herself. By the shadows on the wall she could tell that it was late afternoon now. It seemed that she had fallen asleep. After three days of both emotional and physical exhaustion, that didn't came as a surprise. She was lying in Ted and Amanda's bed, and she was nude. Laura turned around and sat up on the bed, and she saw her uniform lying neatly folded up on the chair. Laura wanted to get up to dress, but then she heard a movement at the door. She flinched back onto the bed and pulled up the blanket to cover her naked body.

The door opened and Amanda stepped in. She was carrying Teddy Junior on her arm. He had stopped crying, but his face was still displaying his grumpiness Amanda had mentioned earlier. Amanda smiled at Laura, and she tried to smile back but achieved only a very shy expression. Amanda stepped to the opposite side of the double bed, and then she laid down on it vis-à-vis Laura. She put Teddy Junior in the middle between them. The baby's mood changed drastically when he saw himself between his mother and the other woman he had spent so much time with in his young life.

"I knew his aunt Laura would make him happy. You are very good at making people happy."

Amanda smiled at her, and Laura instantly got more comfortable. She smiled back at Amanda, and this time, she felt no shyness in it. Laura even eased the grip she was holding the blanket in, settling into a more relaxed position.

"First Maggie, now you… It must be something wrong with me that I always have to kiss crying women." Amanda laughed softly, and Teddy Junior joined in with a happy squeak.

"It must be something wrong with me, too…" Laura answered, but not laughing at all. "…that I always break into other people's relationships. I'm already a married man's mistress, and now I've pushed myself between you and your girlfriend, too."

Laura was surprised by her own calmness she had spoken in about this grave issue. She hadn't even hesitated to speak out the term 'girlfriend' that had troubled her so much in the past. But she was even more surprised when she heard Amanda chuckle.

"First of all, I don't remember you pushing into anything in any way. Of us two, I was the one who advanced at you, and I was the one doing the pushing." she said. "And secondly, what made you think I have a girlfriend?"

"Ted suggested that you are seeing someone every time you leave us two alone." Laura answered. "And when you continued to leave under pretext even when Ted was away on his flights, I thought…"

Amanda laughed again and then smilingly clarified:

"I wasn't leaving under pretext, I really had appointments. At least in the last few weeks. Last Wednesday, I had a doctor's appointment, and the week before, my mother had asked me to welcome my aunt when she arrived at Central Station. I don't have a girlfriend."

Laura was very glad to hear from Amanda that her suspicions had been wrong. She wasn't sure what exactly made her feel relived, though. Was she really relieved that she hadn't destroyed a relationship? Or was she relieved that Amanda wasn't in a relationship with a woman at all? But after the exhausting emotional troubles of the last three days, Laura really didn't want to destroy this moment by overthinking it. She just wanted to enjoy the serenity she felt at this moment in which Amanda and Teddy Junior were by her side and all troubles seemed suddenly so far away.

"…other than you." Amanda added after a long pause, and then she did what Laura was avoiding and expressed her feelings: "Laura, before you became part of my life, in the time when Ted and I were alone in our marriage, I felt incomplete. Other than Teddy Junior, I had no one who was a source of happiness for me. I dreamt of a woman I could love, that would love me. A woman that would make me happy, like I had experienced in the past. But I was too tired to actually search for this person that could make me happy. And then came you. When you joined Ted and me, you brought back happiness to both our lives."

Amanda continued to smile at Laura, but it no longer was a amused smile, but became a warm smile of deep affection.

"At first, I thought that you would free me. I hoped that you could make Ted happy, and that this would lift the burden of this marriage from my shoulders. I imagined that I could then leave the constriction of what was binding Ted and me and set out to find love for my own. But after some time, I realized that there was no need for me to leave what the three of us had built. I wouldn't find what I was looking for somewhere out there. I already was happy with Ted and you. I thought I was happy with having you in my life as my best friend. Now I know that you make me happy because you are what I've dreamt of: a woman that I can love, and a woman that loves me."

Laura was stunned when Amanda revealed to her what she was feeling, but before she could even think about exploring her own feelings, Amanda continued:

"I don't expect you to fall in love with me, to be in love with me." Amanda closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I know that you are in love with Ted, and that you are only part of my life because you want him to be part of your life. And I know that you are not like I am. I understand that you can't love a woman, exactly as I can never be in love with a man. But I do love Ted, though, and if you could just love me in the same way I love him, this would be more than enough to make me perfectly happy."

After a short moment of disillusion, Amanda was smiling again now. She looked at Laura, and Laura could feel the deep affection that Amanda was harboring. This affection was far more than just friendship, Laura could no longer mistake it for just that. And it made Laura feel so good to know what Amanda was feeling for her. But her own feelings for Amanda were still confusing, and what had just happened wasn't helping to clear up her confusion. However, Laura knew perfectly well that her own feelings were not the only thing she had to consider.

"Ted must never know what happened." Laura said, calm at first, but then she exclaimed. "He must not find us together!"

Laura had suddenly realized that the bed she was lying in was not only Amanda's bed, it also was Ted's bed, too. She wanted to jump up and grab her clothes, but Amanda was faster, holding her down with her hand on Laura's shoulder.

"Don't panic, he won't find us. Colette called just five minutes ago, it was the phone that made Teddy Junior cry. She told me that Ted and Dean are in their favorite bar near the airport and that I shouldn't expect him to come home soon. She wanted to tell me, because she didn't know that someone else already had."

Amanda smiled a Laura reassuringly, and Laura let herself fall back onto the bed. She looked into Amanda's smiling face, and then she looked at the baby. Teddy Junior watched her from wide open eyes, and Laura threw of the blanket a bit to free her arm so that she could extend her fingers to him. He grabbed it, and then turned around, looking at his mother. Laura was still of the opinion that it would be wiser to leave, or at least dress up and move to the living room. But she felt so safe and secure here at this moment, together with the happy baby and Amanda.

"We must never let Ted know." Laura repeated. "I myself don't even understand what has happened. But I know this is not right. It is wrong, and dangerous. I'm happy with what Ted and you and I have, and this, this will destroy it."

Laura saw disappointment entering Amanda's expression, but she tried to ignore it and shook her head.

"No, Amanda, it can't be. I'm not like you, I'm sorry. You've always said that you are happy with what we have, so please, don't risk all this for something nobody knows of how it will turn out. We both are not allowed to do this."

And then she added:

"But most importantly, we must find a way to keep Ted from volunteering. I don't want him to leave at all. When he leaves, he destroys what the three of us have. And I especially don't want him to go to war. He might get wounded, even get killed!" A fresh tear was running from her eye. "I couldn't survive without him."

"Shush, shush, Shush!" Amanda spoke to her like to Teddy Junior when she wiped the single tear on Laura's cheek and then placed her hand on it. "We will find a way to change his mind. He won't do anything stupid tonight, Colette explicitly assured me that she would take care of this. And when he comes back, we both can talk with him. He will see you, and he will see his son, and we will remind him of what he has. He will come to his senses and see reason."

"And if he thinks that all this is not enough?"

"Don't you think like this again!" Amanda rejected Laura's worries. "There is no way in which your love is not enough for him."

"But Pan Am." Laura insisted. "What if Pan Am is not enough for him? This time, he really was bitterly disappointed."

Amanda turned on her back and stared at the ceiling. For some time she was thinking in silence. It felt like hours to Laura.

"Ted could have been promoted long ago if he had talked to his father." she finally broke her silence. "His father has offered him to intervene in his behalf, but Ted would never accept help from him. And even if he did, he would never feel happy knowing that he owes his rank to his father."

"He planned to ask his father for help back then, before he and I came together." Laura explained. "He wanted to get away from me as fast as possible. I think he felt relieved when we admitted to our love, and engaged in an affair, and he no longer had to do it."

Amanda nodded and turned around to face Laura. Absentmindedly she offered her hand to Teddy Junior, as Laura had done before.

"No, Ted will never ask his father for help. He doesn't want to. And I don't think he ever could, even if he wanted it." Amanda shook her head. "You don't know him in this respect, you have never seen Ted when he is around his father. The only time he stood up against his father was when he told him that he wouldn't marry me, and after how this turned out, Ted will never do it again."

Amanda took her hand from Teddy Junior and reached for Laura's hand. She squeezed it and smiled.

"But Douglas is a nice man if you know how to handle him right, and I know. He can't refuse his daughter-in-law anything. I will talk to him, as soon as possible, and Ted will be promoted before he is even able to look up the recruiting bureau's address. And then, when is finally is happy being a captain, we all can be happy together."