Chapter 4: Fears, Findings, Thoughts and Regrets

"So, what's the plan?" Owen asked around the hub, receiving no answer. All eyes turned either to Jack or the Doctor, who looked to one another for an answer.

"Uh..." Jack started, searching his mind for something that might help.

"Yeah, well... that's the thing. We don't actually know what else to do." the Doctor interrupted lamely. "I mean, we've tried almost everything. We've doubled the strength, tripled the strength, even reversed the strength. I've fiddled with the polarity, the magnetic charges; I just don't know how to do it."

"Or if we can do it." Martha added quietly. Everyone stood in silence for a moment, and Ianto returned, handing out coffee, which everyone took gratefully, with warm smiles.

- - - - - - -

Gwen waved goodbye cheerily as she walked out of the hub, hoping to lift Jack and the Doctor's spirits with a smile. She left to have dinner with Rhys. The Doctor couldn't help but wonder what would happen when he got Rose back. Would they keep travelling? Journey through space and time; never looking back? Or would they settle down after a while? Do human things, like make dinner and see movies? Martha ran to the door, to say goodbye and have a quick chat. What would happen to Martha? Would she go? He knew that he'd miss her, but what would Rose would make of her if she stayed?

Owen left soon after, giving nothing but a murmured "Bye..." as he walked towards the cog door. Would Rose have met another man? The Doctor's hearts sunk. What if she was happily married? Or had a boyfriend, at least? Would she still want to be with him? It amazed him how, after having worked on the device for months, he could have overlooked something so simple.

Toshiko left the latest, saying nothing as she walked out the door. What would Rose being doing now? She said she was with Torchwood. Would that have lasted? Maybe she was enjoying it too much to leave; or what if it had been dangerous and she'd been hurt? He looked back over all the times they had travelled together. Each one bringing danger and death.

The Doctor was left to his thoughts for a while as Jack and Martha chatted, catching up and telling stories. Their laughter interrupted his thoughts cruelly, clearing his mind of the memories that had been washing over him seconds before. He cleared his voice unnecessarily and glanced to the pair. He smiled; Martha deserved this. After all he'd put her through over the last few months, she needed a break. No wonder she'd been so pleased when he announced that they needed Jack.

Putting all thoughts of Rose and Martha aside, he returned his focus to the blueprint of the chair, refitting his glasses to his face and studying the ancient book wearily.

The Doctor wasn't aware of how long he'd been researching the chair when Martha placed a soft, cold hand on his shoulder. His thoughts had once again drifted, and it seemed that he wasn't the only person who had found nothing helpful that night. He was aware of Martha speaking quietly to him, but wasn't listening to the words; she said something about the cold, and headed out the hub door to the TARDIS. The Doctor silently cursed himself for allowing his mind to wander, when he could be getting Rose back, right now. He worked on through the night, only occasionally stopping to stand up and stretch or to make a cup of coffee. Jack seemed to have other things to do; he stayed in his office mostly, coming out from time to time to ask if the Doctor had found anything.

The answer was always the same: a sigh and a murmured "No", while the Doctor tried to sound strong and undefeated.

- - - - - - -

The Doctor opened his eyes with a start, lifted his head off the table and pushed himself upright, as he heard the cog door slide open and the alarm sound noisily, disturbing his sleep. He grunted and blinked a few times, readjusting to his surroundings. Though it was still dim in the large, underground room, it was clearly morning. He sighed, rubbing his neck, as he remembered the night before...

It was far past midnight, though he didn't know the exact time. He had been so tired, and couldn't focus on the pages in front of his eyes. He closed his eyes, just for a second, and laid his forehead on the edge of the cool, metal table, clenching his stool with both hands for fear of falling off with weakness. Empty coffee cups and dozens of books surrounded him, open to pages that he had yet to read, but he couldn't concentrate; his eyes prickled with exhaustion and his back and neck ached, but he wouldn't give in.

He promised himself he would find Rose, and with the thought of her strong in his mind, he pushed his head off the desk with great strain and forced himself to continue reading, glancing over the Gallifreyan diagrams and alien texts with little interest. But soon, his enervation overwhelmed him, and he felt his head reach the desk once again as he fell into a deep, long-awaited sleep, soon to be disturbed by dreadful dreams one after the other, of beaches in Norway and levers of doom and death.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Martha creeping towards him quietly. He focused once more on the books and pretended to read, giving his mind a moment to wake up. He guessed that he must have had a couple of hours of sleep, judging by the fact that he was marginally more alert than he had been before he fell asleep, although he doubted that the sun had risen yet.

Finding that the Doctor was awake, Martha walked into view. The Doctor looked up to her face. She was glancing over the books with mild interest, tilting her head to read some of them. When her gaze met the Doctor's, she smiled weakly, and his eyes returned to the books.

"Hi." she began timidly. "Sorry. I know I said I'd come back, but I went into my room and I just drifted off and -"

"It's fine." the Doctor said quickly, and Martha sighed quietly with relief.

"Did you find anything?" she asked.

"No." the Doctor replied solemnly, not lifting his eyes from the crisp, discoloured pages.

No one spoke, and the Doctor continued reading silently. Martha pulled up a stool, and soon, all that could be heard was the random flicking of pages, or the soft screech of a stool scraping along the ground as someone changed their position.

Jack walked down from his office a while later, holding a couple of large, tatty books under his arm. His loud voice brought Martha and the Doctor out of their trance and they both looked up to greet him as he spoke.

"Well, it's official." he began, jumping down the steps energetically. The Doctor instantly envied his vigour, but didn't say a word. "I cannot look at one of these things without falling asleep." He held out the books with disgust and dropped them on the desk next to Martha and the Doctor with a loud bang that made the Doctor wince with tiredness.

"Any luck down here?" he asked hopefully, though he didn't seem to expect any good news. Martha shook her head with a sigh, but the doctor didn't answer.

"There has to be... something!" she cried, letting her frustration vent through her as she stood up and sighed dramatically. "Anything at all. We need to try harder."

The Doctor didn't reply once more, and flicked a page over dazedly. He knew that they had both slept, maybe for most of the might, and he secretly resented them for it. Martha was right, they needed to try harder, but the Doctor had to refrain from muttering "Speak for yourselves." as she said it. Here he was, with aching muscles and tiredness, and another bout of sleep threatening to wash over him at any minute, whilst Martha and Jack had slept dreamlessly, and probably eaten well too. As he gritted his teeth and glanced over the next pages, the cog door scraped open behind them again, and the klaxon sounded once more.

"Hello?" Toshiko called out, and Jack walked down to meet her briskly. They could be heard whispering in the background, just quiet enough that their words couldn't be made out by Martha and the Doctor. Martha had returned to her stool and was picking up a second book, dropping the first that she had been reading on the floor with a thud.

"Found anything?" Toshiko whispered to Martha as she walked over, glancing over the books on the table with interest. As Martha shook her head slowly, Toshiko pulled up a stool and rifled through the books.

"I looked on the internet a bit - well, all night really - and I found nothing. Not one piece of information on communication through worlds or transportation chairs. Thought I got close once, but it was something about universities, not universes. I must have misread it the first few times." she smiled nervously.

At this, the Doctor looked up gratefully. To hear that someone else had been looking all night, to know that someone got close to finding something, made his own wasted night seem helpful somehow. He smiled at her, letting her know that he appreciated it, and when he saw the tiredness in her eyes, he knew that she could sense how important this was.

- - - - - - -

The rest of Torchwood filtered in later that morning, and it became clear that no one except Toshiko had tried very hard to find anything helpful. In a way, the Doctor understood, and he knew that he couldn't expect them all to give up their lives for him, but a little part of him wanted to yell at them all, to make them see that this was killing him, to force them to understand how he felt for his lost love.

The day dragged on quietly and the Doctor barely moved from the desk. The Torchwood team would rush around, occasionally having to sort out problems with the rift and once, go out 'Weevil-hunting' - a sport that Jack and Ianto seemed to enjoy more than the others. The Doctor didn't move from the stool. Every couple of hours, Martha, Gwen and Toshiko would go out for some air, and the Doctor was reminded of what he had put his companion through, and why she didn't deserve this terrifying fear hanging over her head.

Once every so often, someone would approach him cautiously, like an active bomb about to explode. He'd be asked if he wanted anything, if he'd found anything, if there was anything anyone could do for him, and it drove him crazy. He'd shake his head furiously, blinking back the bitter tears with remorse. He wouldn't lift his head, but would watch the figure walking away from the corner of his eyes, resenting them because they weren't emotionally attached to the case; they could go about their jobs without heartache or despair; they could sleep without haunting dreams, and awake without seeing the face of a lost partner.

When, finally, the Doctor lifted his head from its awkward position, he was greeted with sounds that he guessed must have been continuing throughout the day, though he couldn't remember hearing anything. The hum of the computers, whirring away in the background, and taps of feet on the hard, metal floor echoing throughout the place; laughter and voices from across the room, isolating the Doctor from everyone else.

Ianto was with Jack, just walking in through the door, smiling, holding hands and breaking apart as they went separate ways. Ianto walked over to Owen, who was laughing with Gwen, Martha and Toshiko about something, and the Doctor followed his eyeline along to the group. He had yet to see Owen, Ianto or Gwen helping at all, and seeing Martha with them, laughing and wiping away tears of joy from her cheerful eyes, he felt his heart sink.

He had been neglecting her. He knew that she had been miserable and he had continued to ignore her, putting his want for Rose before her feelings. He cursed himself silently, and looked up to where Jack was entering his office again. He walked around his desk in silence, and the Doctor's attention soon turned back to the rest of the team and Martha. Seeing them together, like old friends catching up, the Doctor felt more alone than he'd ever been. He felt selfish, forcing Martha to help him and now pushing his problems onto Jack.

'Stop it.' the Doctor told himself irritably. 'Just stop it. This isn't helping anyone, and it certainly isn't helping to get Rose back. They agreed to help; they said they would, so don't blame yourself.' He had almost convinced himself that he was doing the right thing when Martha jogged over happily.

"Hey. We're just going out for a bit; you know, have a bit of a break. D'you want to come?" she asked, overlooking the books and smiling to the Doctor. He glanced past her to the group. They were still laughing as they put on their coats. He turned his gaze to Jack, sat down at his desk, smiling mischievously at something on his computer screen. His blood boiled. He breathed deeply, trying to control himself, but all his emotions from the past few months overwhelmed him, his tiredness and fatigue getting the best of him, and he clenched his hands into fists below the table.

"A break from what?" he spat quietly, looking straight into Martha's cheery eyes, and the laughter stopped. He was aware of the silence from that moment; he knew that everyone's attention was on himself and Martha. She shrunk away and looked down, flushing with embarrassment. The Doctor's senses told him to calm down, that she had been through enough, that she didn't deserve this.

But he ignored them, and threw his fists down onto the desk with force. Pain seared through his arms, but he revelled in it, recalling the times over the past few months when he'd wished for an answer, longed for a sign. He felt like he would explode; his hearts pounded simultaneously and his mind was on fire with anguish. He wanted to scream out to the room, to rip his chest open and let them feel his pain.

"A break from what?" he asked again, louder, feeling his eyes prickle with anger. "Which of you has tried? Who has really tried?!" his voice yelled out inhumanly to the room. He was standing, though in his state of dazed absent-mindedness, he wasn't sure when he'd stood up. He was talking to everyone now, and even Jack had walked down to see what the disturbance was.

"You said you would help!" he cried madly, feeling a long-suppressed, salty tear run down his cheek. Warm, red blood seeped from under his fists onto the thick, yellowed pages of an open book. He felt alive, for the first time in weeks. He was burning inside, and he wouldn't rest until everyone knew. "You promised me; you all said you would help me! And you've done nothing!"

He screamed inside, his muscles burning, and he glanced around the room madly. Jack was looking at the floor, sorrow in his eyes. He was upset with himself, and the Doctor was glad. He saw Gwen and Ianto, slightly open-mouthed and distressed over what to do. Owen was sat down, looking uncomfortable but not regretful, and the Doctor's anger increased.

"You all lied! You haven't helped me!" he spat the words from his mouth cruelly, hissing the words with rage and venom. It took all his strength to stop himself from lashing out and striking Martha with his fists, just to show her how much he was hurting. He saw Toshiko gulping back tears, and he paused, breathing heavily, regretting his anger suddenly, but still feeling the pain.

His eyes found Martha's once more and he looked into them with horror, realising what terrible thoughts he was thinking, and pleading for her to help him. But she was frozen to the spot with fear, and the look on her face mirrored her expression each time she had pulled him back from the parallel world. He gulped, still breathing loudly, and glanced down for less than a second; his vision blurred out of focus as tiny drops of water welled up, regretted, in his strong, brown eyes. In that brief time, he realised what he was doing, and stopped still with realisation. He wasn't mad at them; he was mad at himself.

He was infuriated that he hadn't found anything, and that he had let Martha get so involved. He fumed that he had brought so many others into this, and he stared into Martha's eyes with urgency, letting his piteous brown eyes bore into hers. She snapped back to life almost instantly, rushing forward around the table just as the Doctor's knees buckled with the sudden change from rage to regret, and he fell down onto the stool, supported by Matha's hand nervously laid on his shoulder.

He leant back on the stool weakly, slowly becoming aware of his surroundings once more. He continued to breathe roughly, and he swung out violently at the table, in pure frustration at his actions. Martha wrapped one arm over his back comfortingly, and a second tear flowed down his cheek with resentment. The Torchwood team seemed to spring into action, sensing that the outburst was over, and not wanting to be caught up with any uncomfortable awkwardness.

Owen jumped down to his medical station, searching for bandages to cover the Doctor's wounded hands. Ianto bounded over to the coffee machine hastily, not making eye contact with anyone. Jack started down from the staircase on which he had come halfway before stopping to listen to the unexpected explosion of emotion. Toshiko didn't move however, and the Doctor felt despair fill his mind over her; she had helped, she had really tried, as hard as he had, and she didn't deserve the scolding at all. He became suddenly aware of the pain rushing through his hands, and the dark red blood-stains sliding over the pages of the manuscript before him.

Owen walked over to him quickly, and he felt bandages being wrapped around his palms as he breathed deeply and calmed himself. When his hands were once again free, him reached up to touch his face. He brought his fingers away from his cheeks to find them wet, and he frantically brushed the harsh, icy tears from his face, seeing weakness in them. He buried his face in his hands and composed himself to sit back up strongly, and when he did so he found that his eyes met with Jack's. Everyone had filtered away quickly, leaving just Jack and Martha to comfort the Doctor as he wiped his reddened eyes with the sleeves of his jacket ashamedly.

"I'm sorry." he apologised remorsefully, glad that he had the strength to do so, but still thinking that they had deserved his anger. They apparently sensed this, as they both shook their heads in remorse.

"Don't be." Martha said quietly, rubbing unshed tears from her eyes. "You were right. We aren't trying hard enough, and we could help more." This time, the Doctor shook his head.

"You deserve a chance to laugh." he told Martha slowly. "I've been selfish, keeping you shut up in the TARDIS for so long. And Jack," he turned to face his old friend. "I shouldn't have brought you into it." Jack looked about to interrupt, but the Doctor finished before he could. "It's not your problem, or your team's, and all I've done is disturb things." No one spoke for a while, before they heard a gasp from behind them, followed shortly afterwards by the clattering of china falling to the ground. The three looked over to the desk from which the sound had come to see Toshiko bending over to pick up the broken mug.

"Shoot..." Toshiko said crossly, placing the pieces delicately on the desk before immediately returning her gaze to the computer screen in front of her.

"You okay down there?" Jack called out concernedly, but Toshiko didn't answer. "Tosh?" he tried again, and her dazed state was broken.

"What?" she asked with wide-eyes. "Oh, it's just, well, I-I don't know."

Martha frowned at her bewildered expression and the Doctor followed her and Jack down to Toshiko's station.

"What is it?" Jack asked, who was now also frowning, as well as the Doctor, who was still recovering from the shock of his outburst and couldn't find his voice. He looked down guiltily when Toshiko's eyes met his.

"I - I think I've found something."

You lot are lucky to get a chapter this long :P I prefer writing in smaller chunks, but I thought I owed you a chapter with some drama, so here it is! I know, it doesn't have that much speech, but is more of an insight into the Doctor's mind. I hope it was well written; I had great fun writing it, though it did make me sad to write the Doctor so upset. What did you guys think of it?
The story is kind of going a different way to how I originally planned it, but don't worry, I know what I'm doing, and you really, really don't want to stop reading now. Don't worry though, there's only 1, maybe 2 chapters left!

I thought this chapter was great when I first wrote it, but now that I'm reading through it again, I'm not too sure about it, and I was considering scrapping it and redoing the whole thing, but I decided against it. So, as per usual, please, please review; it makes my day. And don't be nice! I want to know your honest thoughts; I can take it! :P
I'm a little disappointed that so many of you have put the story in your alert list and haven't reviewed it at all though :( -moans until you give in and leave a review-
:P