TALKING TO MY SHADOW
The Gift of Temptation
"It's fine." Feliciano insisted.
"It's dead." I corrected as we stared down at the limp form of what was once my neighbor's cat. I didn't think it was going to die! Feliciano said we were just giving it a bath! I was in charge of holding it in the bucket and Feli would shampoo it. Unfortunately, the cat was not a fan of this game and showed this displeasure by scratching and clawing at us. My brother got more and more frustrated. He told me to hold it steadier or to make it shut up. At one point, it just stopped fighting.
My brother studied the body, being sure that it's chest wasn't rising anymore.
"What are we going to do?" The cat belonged to Angela Wipple, a twenty-something who moved here from Georgia with her fiancé and new baby. She would be heartbroken. It's not like I could just fix it. It was dead. I had drowned it in my backyard under the supervision of my brother. I had really screwed up.
"We could…"
"What?"
"Well…I was thinking… We could blame it on Antonio. Think about it. It would work if we both kept to the same story."
My heart stopped. It was almost unreal to hear my brother suggest that with such confidence. Antonio was innocent. He was the most innocent person I've ever met. Still, I considered the possibility but I knew I couldn't. I'd end up at his door step, crying. He'd pat my head, tell me it was okay, and take the shoebox out of my hands just so that he could be grounded for the next three months. It sounds crazy, but he'd do it. He wouldn't rat me out or even hold it against me.
"Let's just bury it." I suggested.
"Why?" This time, Feliciano showed a little bit of anger. "You're in love with that doofus? Is that it? You've already forgotten what he-"
"That's not it!" I growled. "I just thought that we could pretend like it ran away or something."
He thought about it. "Don't you want to get back at him a little? Just do something to settle the score?"
"I'm not settling any score, I'm just trying to take care of this before we get our asses handed to us."
"Alright… but listen! Don't you go getting all rosy over Antonio. I'm the one who helps you. I'm the one you need."
"Fine, fine. I'm over it, whatever. Now, are you are you going to help me with the digging?"
"Yeah." He got up and smacked the dirt off his pants. "It better be pretty deep. You don't want a dog digging him up."
I agreed. There was a bag in the shed that I used to move the body. I wasn't able to deny the guilt. It shouldn't matter that much, I mean, it's only a cat but…I killed it. If it weren't for me, it would be bounding around, catching birds and playing with the new baby. Is that what I'm reduced to? Is that the me that's hiding deep within layers? A killer? I never thought about myself like that but maybe I'm just that low.
We took the cat, also known as Captain Crunch, a few minutes into the forest and buried it about two feet deep. I'm not sure if that's enough but I got pretty tired of digging so I decided that two was sufficient. To be safe, we rolled a decent-sized stone on top of his grave.
"Come on, Lovi. Don't get all bummed out, you're bumming me out." He patted my back. I showed him a little smile, just to shut him up. "Hey! I've got an idea!"
"What kind of idea." You can't blame me for being suspicious. Feliciano had been acting different since I met Antonio.
"There's this little theater…remember? The one Mom was telling us about?"
I shook I head. I often zone out when people talk to me.
"Well It's about four blocks down but we could walk there." He looked down at his wrist watch. Nine forty-one A.M. Dad left for work at six and Mom was still asleep because we turned off her alarm. I swear, she could sleep all day.
"Star Point Cinema?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the name."
"That place is closed, isn't it?"
"Not anymore. Why do I bother getting the paper if you never read it? Anyways, the town didn't want another parking lot, they got all touchy-feely over fond memories and long story short, they fixed it up."
I glared at him accusingly. "This hasn't got anything to do with Antonio, has it?"
"Is that all you think about!? You're worried about protecting your make-believe boyfriend!? I'm sick of it, alright!?"
"Shut up, Feli! He's not my make-believe anything!"
"Then why can't you stop talking about him for ten seconds!? Jesus, I hate that kid!"
My heart clenched. I didn't want to protect Antonio but… my brother certainly didn't have a reason to hate him! Something's up with Feliciano… he's never hated anyone before. I decided not to push him any further. We went home and stuffed snacks in our pockets (quietly, as to not wake mother) then left. I did my best to keep the conversation off our spunky neighbor. We talked about who would help who climb the fence and where we would run if we got in trouble. The place was a small-town theater, capable of showing five movies at a time. You could just sneak around to the staff door and go in unnoticed. Nobody checked your ticket and the only loners watching movies at nine in the morning were drunkards.
It was a red, brick building with this triangular sign jamming right out of its face. The sign read a few titles of movies that had come out last year with the exception of a black and white oldie that only the seniors go to see. As planned, I acted as a human footstool for my brother then wrestled my way over as well. We walked around the building until we found a tan door labeled "Staff". Of course, it was locked.
"What do you mean it's locked?" My brother asked and I turned the handle again. It clicked and froze before I could move it full rotation.
"It's locked." I repeated.
"It's never been locked before." He gave it a try himself.
"Lovino?"
Oh God…that voice. It was behind me and I knew exactly who it was. What was he doing here! Feliciano had to have known, that bastard! I turned around to meet the curious, green eyes. Suddenly, there was no traitorous brother at my side. "What are you doing here?" He asked. He was holding a broom in one hand and a dustpan in the other.
"I was going to see a movie." I replied confidently, hopefully enough to mask my desire to faint.
"Well…" He looked around and for a split second, I thought I saw pink dusting his cheeks. "You're going in the wrong door. The staff door is locked because some hooligans were…" His eyes widened with realization. "You're sneaking in!"
"Shut it, you idiot!"
He covered his own mouth and whispered an apology. We were quite for a minute to be sure that there would be no consequence of the boy's accusation. "You're sneaking in?" He asked in a hush tone.
"Maybe."
"Are you?"
"Are you?"
"No."
"Then why are you even out here?"
"I work here."
"What? How old are you?"
That's when he became a little nervous. "I got the job… from a family friend. It's only a weekend thing and I get cash under the table."
"You're working illegally?"
"You're sneaking into the theatre!"
"Alright, alright! Shut up already! Someone's going to hear you and that would defeat the point of sneaking in."
"Right, sorry." He looked around again, making sure the coast was clear. "Alright, I'll let you in but you better not get me in trouble." My hand was suddenly clasped in his and my heart stopped beating. He didn't even notice. He pushed the door open slowly and peeked in. "Alright now, don't make a peep." He ordered before carefully pulling me in. There was only one other person in the break room, a fossil of a woman sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a rolled up newspaper. She didn't even look up when we first entered but by the time Antonio reached the door into the theater, she spoke.
"Good Morning, Anthony."
"Good Morning, Beatrice." He answered back, accustomed to the name change.
She said nothing more, only looked at him and then at me. "It'll be fine." He assured her. "I'll pay for him." And with that, we slipped out of the break room alive.
"I can pay my own ticket, thank-you-very-much." I spat.
"Of course you can, that's why you used the special pay-my-own-ticket V.I.P. entrance."
I became red with embarrassment. "Whatever, I'll just leave." I ripped my hand away from his and stomped towards the 'legal' exit.
"No, no, no!" He pulled me back with an apologetic smile. "Come on, there's a movie I want to see! Beatrice won't charge me anyways, she's all bark and no bite."
"What could you possibly want to see? These movies have already played fifty times over on the TV."
"I know but… I just like movies. Let's hang out. It's all water under the bridge now, right?"
"Right." Maybe for him it was but I had a harder time letting go of things. I'm not known as the most accepting person in the world. He convinced me into following him into theatre two. It was empty, fuck'n perfect. No, wait, there was someone there but he was passed out in the first row.
Antonio pulled me into the very back and when I asked why, he said the cheap seats always had the best view. "So your parents let you come on your own?"
I didn't answer.
"Oh, geez, Lovi." He laughed. "Can't pin you down."
"Shut it, I'm trying to watch a movie."
"You're watching an advertisement for the candy counter." He objected.
"Shut up! I'm very interested in…the hip-hop dancing pizza."
"Don't forget the cotton candy doing the hand jive."
"That too."
He laughed his rich, contagious laugh. I hate admitting that I like being around him, even if he is really fuck'n annoying. "Do you want me to get you something?"
I pulled a Rice Crispi's treat out of my pocket and handed it to him.
"Classy." He accepted the offering.
"Now shut up."
"Okay~"
I wasn't that interested in the movie. It was a dumb action flick that I couldn't follow. There were explosions, the bad guys would talk about a super bomb from time to time, and there was a suggested relationship between the star and his agent co-worker. I actually started wishing that I could listen to Antonio's mindless blabber instead. It was kind of amazing how I didn't feel awkward. It really was like we were just hanging out. It was like we were only friends again.
"That guy." He pointed just as the star's face appeared on the screen, "He died in August. OD."
"Is that so?" I didn't give a shit what so ever and I made that clear in my tone.
"Yeah. He had a family and all."
"They're probably better off without him."
"You think so?"
"Yeah."
"I think that it's always hard to loose someone, even if they don't die."
"If you don't get attached, then you don't have a problem."
"You can't just live your life without ever letting others in."
"Watch me."
He sighed. "I wish you weren't so afraid. The world is full of good things."
"First of all, I'm not afraid and secondly, if you believe that, then the world is lying to you."
He smiled softly and leaned back, keeping his eyes on the film. "The world gave me all the things that I cherish. It gave me everyone who I hold dear."
"I hate everyone in this world."
His smile grew. "The world gave me a liar."
"I'm not lying!"
"Lovino…Y'know…You're not as mean as you think you are."
"Shut up, asshole."
"You'll miss my pretty voice~"
"SSHH!"
The film rolled on. The love interest was taken hostage and the star was running around all bad-ass-like. I never got why people kicked down doors that they could just open. It's a waste of a perfectly good door.
"Y'know that I have problems too, right?"
"What?"
He stayed focused on the screen. "You seem to believe that no one will ever understand you. You won't talk to doctors because you think that no one can feel the things you feel. I know. I have problems, we have problems together."
"W-What are you trying to say here, Toni? I don't understand you when you mumble."
"I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me."
"You Bastard." I grumbled and slumped down in my chair. "You get all sappy and shit on me… ruin my movie…"
"Come on, you don't even like this movie. I can tell." He chuckled.
"Shut up, How would you know what I'm like?"
"Your face."
"That's stupid."
"It's not stupid! It's cool! It's like we have a spiritual bond or something!"
"It's not like that at all!"
"Sure it is! Like, right now, I can tell that you're embarrassed and excited and you want me to stop talking about this."
"You're a fuck'n phycic."
"Aaand I know you didn't take your medication this morning…or last night aand… you've already gotten into trouble today."
Shit, He's good. "It's none of your damn business, got that?"
"You really should take your meds, Lovi. They can only help you."
"Now that right there is a lie! They can make you throw up and get dizzy and spasm and all this other crazy shit! They're poison!"
"Those are side effects! Once I took a drug that made my hair fall out and my fingernails turn grey. They just switched me over to another medication and I was fine. Sometimes, a certain pill won't work for you."
"I don't care. I don't want to see another pill as long as I live."
"Just a question but, have you ever not been able to find your brother when you start a new medication?"
"No. I never lose my brother. Sometimes the cat will run off but Feliciano is always at my side." Well, except for when he skipped out just a while ago for fear of being caught. That cowardly bastard.
He was quite after my answer, like he was thinking real hard. "Are you coming back to therapy with me and my dad?"
"I dunno. Whatever Mom wants."
"I wish you would."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does matter! Lovino, we're all doing this for you!"
"Yeah? Well maybe I don't want any more god damn help! I'm sick of doctors and pills and side effects and tests and all of it! Maybe I just want to live with whatever sickness you all say I have! Maybe I just want to live for once without an IV hooked to my arm!" I was a little out of breath. I can't believe I just said that to him. I really just let it all out. I trusted him.
His hand went to hold mine but it froze in midair, not sure what move to make before it finally fell back into his lap. "All I want is for you to live happily."
"Then you'd throw away the pills and call off the group therapy."
"I wish I could. I know it hurts, I know… But I also know that this is what's going to make it best later."
I continued to pour my heart out like a damn idiot. "What about now!? I'm dying now!"
"I can't! I'm sorry! I can't make anything better yet! All I can do is keep you on the pills and make sure you go to group therapy so that someday you'll be happy. I can't do anything right now." His head fell, his eyes training into his lap. " I'm sorry."
Does it always hurt when someone cares about you? God damn… "Antonio…shit…look…I didn't mean anything by that. I mean… I wasn't saying it's your fault…I know that you're…you're...trying."
I wish he hadn't heard but that boy is like a fuck'n bat and he had to give me that "I get it" smile. "Thanks…Lovino." He said my name like a fuck'n poem. I hate him for that. "So…What was it that you did to get in trouble?"
"What makes you assume I got in trouble?!"
"Getting in trouble is your forte, is it not?"
He had a point. I get in trouble fairly often. "You know that red-headed lady that lives two houses down from me? Mrs. Wipple? With the baby?"
"Yeah. She brought us fudge once."
"Remember how she used to have a cat?"
"Lovino! You didn't!" He gasped.
I nodded. I'm not proud of myself, far from it actually but you've got to own up to something every once in a while. "I did."
"Was um…" He cleared his throat, hinting at what he wanted to say.
"Yes, he was there but it was my fault."
That fire returned to his eyes. He didn't like my brother, that much was obvious. "And it was his idea to sneak into the movies today too, wasn't it? Has it ever occurred to you that the things he wants you to do get you in trouble?"
"It's not like he means to do it! You just don't know him! Feliciano is my brother. He only wants to help me."
"Help you!? By telling you to cut yourself!? Lovino, that's not love!"
"You don't understand!"
"I do! I understand because every time you do those things, I have to look you in the eyes and know that I wasn't there to help you."
"You're a real fuck'n prince, aren't you!? A bona-fide saint! Is it hard being so righteous all the time?"
"Is it so hard to let someone care about you!? Why can't you see that I'm feeling it too when bad things happen to you!? Why are you acting like this is easy for me! You're not the only one going through this!"
"I didn't make you a part of this!"
"You didn't have too! It just happened, alright!? We can't blame anyone, it just happened and now we're a in this together!"
"Just say it then! You're not afraid are you!?"
"I fell in love with you!"
Suddenly, the heat of the debate died down and our red faces soothed. It was like we only needed to agree on those six words and after that, we didn't feel like fighting. "You wanted to hear it, there it is. I fell in love with you, exactly what we've been denying. I couldn't help it, it just happened and now, even if I wanted to, I couldn't leave you. I can't just pretend like I don't care about you."
We were quiet. Even the ongoing rumble of the movie seemed to mute. Everything had been said. I didn't feel like cursing or crying or even running away. There weren't any voices. There wasn't anything but the two of us, thinking over the truth that had been so blatantly stated. It's not like we didn't know it, we had just never said it. We were only fourteen and fifteen, barely figuring out what that word meant. So we just sat there, letting the truth sink in like water that slowly pooled around, raising up to our chins then eating us whole.
"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!?" Our drunken friend in the front row barked, having the awoken during our argument. Stupid bastard. He looked at the two of us who were reasonably confused and he became frustrated once he realized that nobody was going to answer. "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!?"
Chrissake, it's not like I remember that stupid TV show! I tried not to watch it as a child and I've managed to bloke out the few memories I had of it. I knew the theme, I could place the next few notes but I couldn't remember that yellow fucker's name for the life of me. Something about being a stupid sponge. I looked over at the curly-headed Spaniard who was also at a loss for words. He grew up in Spain watching Speedy Gonzalez or soap operas or something. If I had to take a guess, the name was probably Stupid-Ugly-Sponge-Guy-That-Plays-Really-Fuck'n-Early-In-The-Morning. Antonio focused, mumbling "I know this one" to himself.
"Uh…Sponge Guy Blah Blah." I spoke up, doing my best to mumble those missing words. Who has such a long name? Names really ought to be half that length. Whose teaching this shit to kids!?
That was sufficient for him. He turned around and sang the rest of the tune as loudly as he knew how to. Antonio turned to me, a smile settled on his face again. "Square Pants. I knew it, tip of my tongue."
I scoffed. "You're stupid." That was the best I had. I had run out of insults. I could always throw a "kick bricks" or "eat dirt" in there for good measure but I didn't feel like it.
"Be careful now, you're smiling."
"I'm going to kill you in your sleep." I spat and wiped the smile off my face.
"Aww, bring it back, won't you? I miss it?"
"Shut up."
"You look so nice when you smile."
"I will take this very nail," I held up my right pinky which was currently housing my most outgrown nail, "And I will use it to slice open your stomach and rip out your kidney and then I'll sell it on the black market. And you know what I'll do with the money?"
"Pay for my operations?"
"No. I'm going to buy my own private jet and a little island off the coast of Italy and I'm going to live there, worry-free, for the rest of my life."
"You really think my kidney is worth that much? I was thinking more along the lines of buying a dog or going to Disneyland."
"Why would I want a dog?"
"You don't like dogs!?"
"Too annoying. I much prefer cats."
"All they ever do is sleep!"
"Exactly. They don't leave all their gross slobber around and they don't constantly nag me about doing dumb shit with them. I like things that can take care of themselves."
"Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I like seeing them so happy to see me and want to do things. Cats… they're kept up to themselves and they're only nice when they want to be. Funny thing is, you're just like a cat but I still like you."
I readied my pinky and worked on stabbing his guts out. Of course, he cried out in surrender within a minute like a total pussy. "I'm sorry!" He squealed. "I take it back! Leave me alone!"
"Now that we've established who's the boss here… start calling me Boss."
"No way! I'm totally older! I should be the boss! I've gotten into fistfights and stuff! Once, I even-"
Some people are so slow. I began my shank-maneuvers again until I was confident that he knew his place. "All mighty leader of the world works too but that may be too long for your little brain to remember. Just go with Boss. From now on, I own your ass."
"I don't like this sudden imbalance of power! It's monarchy! I'm rebelling! I'm Katni-"
Some people are really, really, really slow. Jesus Christ, being boss is hard!
"Okay! I'll play nice! Stop stabbing me, Lovi!"
"Who?"
"Boss! Please, boss, leave my organs inside of me!"
"Fine. I was getting tired anyways."
I enjoyed peace and quiet for one moment before that idiot burst out laughing. Why did we even bother walking into a theatre? It's not like we shut up long enough to follow the plot. "What the hell is so funny!?"
"Nothing! I'm just having a lot of fun~"
"You're stupid." I huffed and crossed my arms.
"I'll give you a ride home, Boss. Biking is quicker than walking."
"Don't you have a fuck'n job!?"
"Nah, they don't need me! I don't even work! I just sweep up stuff and convince bums to leave. They won't miss me for five minutes."
"Well, despite your questionable work ethics, I'll just walk."
"You're not being an inconvenience, I promise!"
"Psh! As if I care about that! I just feel like walking!"
"You won't."
"What's that supposed to mean!?"
"It's raining. Listen." He pointed up at the roof and sure enough, I heard the hum of little droplets clinking against the tin roof.
"Shit."
"No, It's fine! I'll take you on my bike!"
"My mom will still know! I'll look like I took a swim in the pool!"
"I have a coat! We'll bundle you up like a little, Russian, baby and pop you on the back of the bike. If I go fast enough, he can get to your house in two minutes."
" And then you'll have pneumonia and your bike will be smashed into a pretzel."
"First of all, I never get sick. And secondly, I'm super good at riding my bike. I just put new water grip wheels on it last weekend! It's like it's not even raining."
"Look, I'm going to be straight with you…I don't want to die."
"Lovi, I wouldn't offer you a ride if there were the slightest chance you'd die. …Besides, it would be a lot of work to clean up your corpse."
"Ass hole!" I showered him with fists. "You give Boss the best god damn funeral ever! Lots of hot babes and wine!"
That bastard wouldn't stop laughing. "Boss is a smooth guy, huh?"
"Believe it! Ugh, you're such an idiot. Why do I hang out with you?"
"Because you think I'm cute?"
"No, because I think you're ugly and I feel sorry for you. You're like Quasimoto."
"Then you're Esmeralda?"
"If you must associate me with a character of the same film, then, yes, I am the sexy gypsy. Only, y'know, with a dick n'all."
"I can save you when the crazy priest guy tries to burn you at the stake!"
"I'd rather die."
"No! It'd be cool! I could go swinging around buildings with you on my back like a little monkey!"
"Alright, I think this scenario has been blown way out of proportion. What I meant to say, in simpler terms, is that you're ugly."
"Do you think you could hang on my back like that? I have a feeling that you'd fall off."
"We're not talking about Quasimoto anymore!"
"I wish we were."
"Well, Tuff. I'm boss so I decide what we talk about."
"Can I run for boss?"
"What? No!"
"That's not fair!"
"This is communism. If you're having fun, you're doing it wrong."
"Maybe we can both be boss!"
"Over my dead body! I'm not sharing my throne with anybody!"
We went on bickering like this until the movie was finally over and the lights flickered back on. Only then did I notice how close his face was to mine. His smile was full, his skin a warm tan, and his eyes reflecting the florescent lights. He had told me he loves me. In fact, he said it to my face. What do I do? We're going to continue to ignore it, right? Just say it never happened? Does he expect to kiss again? Is that okay? We don't do that anymore, right? Does he want me to say something about it? Why can't he just tell me how to react?
"Let's go home, okay, Boss?" He offered.
"Fine." I mumbled and stood up with him. This time we left out the front door.
"Hey, Lovino?"
"Yeah?"
"About that…You don't have to say anything, it's okay. Just… just go back to being your usual self." He said as he pulled his bike around while I waited under the awning. Once again, I was amazed by his mind reading abilities.
Water droplets clung to his hair without the chance to soak in yet, sliding down and dripping onto the ground. He handed me his jacket.
"Are you sure?"
"Sure, I'm sure!" He put it around my shoulders like a cape.
"You're going to get sick and die and then I'm going to have to show up at your funeral. Do you know how much work that is for me?"
"Well, I'll try not to die then." He pulled the hood over my head, dressing me since I wasn't doing it myself.
"For real, Antonio, you don't want the jacket?"
"I want you to take the jacket."
"Whatever. It's not my job to tell idiots that they're being idiots." I got on the back of his bike, wincing as rain pelted my face. He instructed me to lift up my legs and hold on. Normally, I could list a million things that I'd rather do than cling onto Antonio like a Koala bear and hide my face in his back but I was still concerned with the probability of imminent death.
Confession time. Antonio smelled good, like coffee and dark chocolate. He was really warm too. Guilt flooded over me for enjoying this but how can you not? His breathing was steady, I could heart his heart beat keeping pace with his peddling. "Are you okay back there?" He asked over the howling of the wind and the hissing of the rain.
"Are we dead?"
"I don't think so."
"Then I'm fine." I looked up from my huddle.
He was soaked. Completely drenched. His perky hair was clinging to his head now, the color reaching a shade of black as little droplets spiraled their way down to freedom. He glanced back at me, sensing that I wasn't hiding anymore. Even his eyelashes were holding little beads of rain away from his sparkling eyes. "Idiot! Keep your eyes in front of you!"
He chuckled at turned back around. "Like a little monkey~"
"Shit." I ignored that comment in favor of my pants, which were also soaked wet. "My mom's going to know for sure!"
He glanced back at my pants and sighed. "The Gift of Problems."
"What?"
"The Gift of Problems. It's something my dad always says."
"Problems aren't a gift!"
"Sure they are! They help us evaluate ourselves. You get to know your strengths and weaknesses. You learn who you true friends are, you find out what's most important to you and what you would give up for it. Problems are just another way we learn."
"Bullshit! You're saying that being compulsive is a gift?"
"In a way, yeah. I know more about myself, I've learned self-control and I've met you, haven't I?"
"That's so stupid! Riding home in the rain and going back to work drenched is a gift?!"
"Well, I'll know that you'll get home safe, you won't get in trouble and you won't get sick. I know you don't understand but to me, that's a gift."
"I hate you're stupid nuggets of wisdom." I mumbled and pressed my face into his back again, mostly just to hide the redness of my cheeks but also because I missed the warmth. He was right about getting to my house in two minutes. He pulled up and put his foot down.
"Here's you stop."
I should have just gotten off and went inside, maybe even thank him, but no. I had to be a nice person. "Pull around the back." I instructed.
He looked at me with confusion but followed my instructions none the less. We put his bike on the porch. "Lovino, what are we-"
"Hush!" I told him and took his hand in mine. I opened the back door slowly and peered in. It didn't look like anyone was awake. The house was dim and echoing with the sound of water on the windowpanes. "Come on." I tugged his hand gently and he followed me in.
The floor consisted of wooden panels, perfect for squeaking on when you're trying to sneak in. The house used to be a barn until converted in the sixties but whoever did the remodeling left the roof beams where they were, high into the heavens. I took Antonio around to the stairs walking as much on the carpet as possible. "This place is amazing." He breathed, looking around at our country-style-house.
"It's old, that's for sure." We went upstairs carefully. Compared to his room, mine was a catastrophic mess. I mean, it was clean enough. I had some paper and a pair of pants just lying around but most everything else was where it ought to be. All the walls were wooden panels, compared to Antonio's smoothly plastered white walls. I had two cramped beds, a writing desk, a window and a little light overhead that was attached to a pull-string. Compared to Antonio, I looked like the little orphan Annie.
He had himself a ball just looking around. We was about to ask about the second bed when he figured it out for himself. It's not like we're remarkably poor or anything, I just never bothered to do anything with my room. I pulled out the drawer from under my bed and sorted through the clothes.
"What are you looking for?" He asked.
"Clothes."
"Why?"
I looked him over, his hair hanging limp, his clothes now two shades darker than they were when we left. It took him a minute to get the hint. "Oh! No, I'll be fine, Lovi."
"Shut up, I'm doing this for myself. I don't want to buy flowers for your dead body." I expected him to say something stupid about a cat but he just put on his little chipper smile and popped down on Feliciano's bed. "Feli's going to be pissed off if you get his sheets wet." I warned him.
He laid down. "His sheets are dusty anyways, they need to be changed."
"Don't blame me if you wake up bald one day. My brother doesn't like you, his revenge will be harsh."
"Why is that?"
"That he doesn't like you?"
"Yeah."
"He thinks you're stupid."
"What's the real reason?"
"I dunno. He's just very protective. He thinks that you're like all the other people I've been friends with."
"What happened with your other friends?"
"Nothing. I never have friends because their parents hate me or because my mom doesn't think it's safe. If they pass both those requirements though, they just leave. They get sick of listening to me nag or they get scared off when I have an episode. Feliciano says it's better to just not let anyone close."
"I think Feliciano might be playing it a little too safe, don't you think?"
"I don't know."
"Well, don't you want to have friends?"
"I don't care. I have Feliciano."
"It's not selfish to want to have other people in your life."
"Yes it is! You don't get it, He's always been here, He's given me everything and he's the one waiting with open arms when another person decides that I'm just not worth it."
"Lovino, look at me." He ordered. I disobeyed, just to be stubborn. He sighed, "Lovino, you're going to be awful lonely if you keep going with this Me-Myself-and-Feliciano mentality. You have to let others in at some point."
I turned around and chucked a shirt at his face to shut him up. Every doctor I've been to has tried to make me pass off my brother, ungrateful of everything he's ever given me. They don't understand. Feliciano is my other half. He's with me when I wake up and when I go to sleep and when I close my eyes. To get rid of Feliciano is to slice me right down the middle. "You can wear that, it's the only thing I've got that you can fit your big head into."
He held it open. It said 'Fifty Dog Challenge: Peter's American Bar and Grill'. "Did you really eat fifty hot dogs?"
"No, gross! It was my dad's. He gave it to me when he stated working out. I guess it wasn't such an accomplishment anymore."
"What do you want me to do with it?"
"Put it in your bag and change when you get back to work. Come on, this isn't brain surgery." I threw a pair of sweat pants and sandals at him. "You're going to look like a total bum."
"Thanks." He packed the clothes into his bag.
"Can you fit a towel in there?"
He checked it out. "Yeah, probably."
I got up and ran down to the bathroom, stealthily retrieving a towel. When I got back to the room, I hear that ungodly scratching. It was time for Skitz to be let in. "Fuck!" I dropped the towel and took off down stairs, followed by Antonio.
"What's going on?" He asked.
"Skitz is going to wake mom up!" I went to the back door and opened it. Skitz wasn't happy with me but he pranced in regardless.
"Who?"
"Skitz, the cat."
He looked at me and then at the door. "And his name is Skitz?"
"Yeah." I shut the door quietly and grabbed the cat. If I didn't dry him off, he'd make a mess and everyone would be angry with me.
"Why is that?"
"When I was younger," I Heaved the cat onto my lap as I sat down and began to dry him with a kitchen towel. "I'd hear him scratching at the door but I couldn't reach the handle so I'd have to complain to my mom about the cat outside and she'd say, Oh Lovino, it's just the Skitz. So his name became Skitz."
"Makes sense."
"Mom bought me a cat once, a little kitten named Tilly but Skitz really hated Tilly so he killed her. I was kind of bummed 'cause I liked Tilly but Skitz was here first." I let the cat go once I was satisfied with my cleaning.
"Lovino?" My mother entered the kitchen. She looked over at the soaked Spaniard. "Antonio, what are you doing here?"
He looked at me nervously and I shot back a glare that said say something! "I came by… because…the storm was causing power outages in the neighborhood so I thought I'd go around and see if anybody needed help or something. Y'know, with turning on their power again."
She nodded quizzically at him before turning to me. "And you, Mr.! Is there a reason that my alarm clock is smashed into pieces!?" The truth was, I tried to turn it off but it was dark and I accidentally turned on the radio so I had to smash it or the president would find out where I live.
"I don't know." I answered as well as rubbed my cuts nervously.
She seemed like she wanted to yell at me pretty bad but she didn't. She walked over to the cabinet and took out her pills. Mom goes to doctors and takes pills sometimes when she's really tired or really frustrated. "Don't take too many." I warned as she tossed one down her throat. "If you take too many, you'll throw up and the men on stilts will take you where they take the crazy people."
"I'm not taking too many, Lovino." She told me and swallowed another pill. After that, she put away the bottle and stared into the sink without blinking. She does that sometimes when I get myself into a lot of trouble.
"Mrs. Vargas?" Antonio finally asked.
She took a deep breath and stood up straight, pushing her hair away from her face and tucking her robe in tighter. "Yes, Antonio?"
"Do you want me to take Lovino to my house?" I guess he knew that she was having a hard time. I'm a burden to her, I know I am. She always has to watch me and deal with whatever trouble I make. That's why she has to take pills and talk to doctors. One time, she got really frustrated and she yelled at me. She said "I'm doing all I can! Why can't you just get better for once!? Why can't you just behave!? I'm doing everything I can so stop expecting so much!" She apologized for years after and told me that it wasn't my fault but I know it is. She wishes she had a normal kid.
She looked between me and him, trying to think. "Um…no. No, Lovino has to take his medicine right now." She remembered. She called me over to sit on the counter as she pulled out the multiple orange bottles of pills.
"Mom." I whined. "Can I just stand?" Sitting on the counter was so babyish! I didn't want Antonio to see me treated like an infant! It's humiliating."
She put her hands on her hips. "Now, if you don't sit on the counter then how can I be sure that you don't spit out your medication?"
"I won't!"
"Yes you will. Up on the counter." She demanded. "Where's Feliciano?"
"I dunno. Probably outside." I pulled myself up so that I was sitting on the quartz table top. I hissed when the cold surface met my wet pants.
"Why are your pants soaked!?" She looked at Antonio. "And what happened to you!?"
"We were out in the rain." I answered. She thought about asking me why but stopped when she realized that she didn't want to know. She buried her head in her hands and breathed until she calmed down.
"Okay, Lovino, okay. Time for medicine." She opened the bottles and measured out the drugs, occasionally checking the clock to see if it was too late to take certain prescriptions. Altogether, there were five. We had a routine where she would give me a pill, I'd put it in my mouth, she'd hand me a glass of water, I'd sip and swallow, hand back the glass, then repeat. We finished just in time for the phone to ring. She quickly fixed her hair as if the caller would know how kept she is then answered and walked into the other room.
I slid off the counter. "Your mom seems pretty tense." Antonio mentioned.
"Yeah, she gets stressed. Today's not a good day. It's my fault, she deserves to be pretty and happy."
"Lovi, it's not your fault.
"It is. I get in trouble and do bad things that she has to fix. She's a good lady, really. She used to be really beautiful before she had me but the stress gave her wrinkles and she doesn't have the time to do her hair or makeup. It's always pony-tails and t-shirts."
"Lovino, that's not because of you. You didn't make any of this like this, this is just circumstance."
"I wish circumstance were different. Maybe I could have been born to someone with nothing to lose. No life to be drained away by a lecherous child who's only good at breaking things."
"Lovino, stop." The boy declared in a stern voice.
"Why? It's true. I'm the worst thing that ever happened to this family-"
"Lovino! Your parents love you! You need care but so does everyone else!"
"Do you know what my name means!? It means-"
"Lovino." My mother called, clicking the END CALL on the phone and setting it back in its charger. "That was Angela, she says she can't find her cat anywhere and she wants to know if anybody's seen it."
"I…"I didn't know what to tell her. "I… don't know." I decided. Was it easier to lie to her? What was I supposed to do?
Her face fell. She can read me like an open book. She locked me in a long, sad, stare. Of course she knew, she knows what I do. She knows how screwed up I am. "Okay." She whispered. "I'll tell her that you… haven't seen it." She proceeded to brush through her hair with her fingers while she thought. "Antonio?"
"Yes?"
"Is your dad home?"
"Yeah."
She nodded and walked over to me, bending down and holding me by my arms. "Lovi, baby, I want for you to go to Antonio's house for a little while, okay? I'll come get you later today." I knew it. She wanted me to leave so she would explode and yell at me again. She wanted me out of her sight until she calmed down. I nodded.
I know what I did to her. I ruined her life. She used to have so many friends but now she's too busy watching me and taking me to therapy. She used to read long mystery novels but now she only reads online articles that detail the newest therapies with the best results. Sometimes, I think that I'd like to die. I wouldn't worry about things like this and I couldn't possibly make such a mess. Of course, once I start thinking like that, the doctor puts me on some depression meds and I forget how to be compassionate.
My mother kissed my forehead and fixed my hair before telling me to get some dry clothes on. Antonio biked me to his house and turned on the TV, hoping to distract me but it didn't work, my thoughts can always find me.
I hope your proud of yourself. You dad has to work his tail off just to get you medication that you won't take. Your mother gave up everything just so she can tie your shoes and wipe your ass. You're such a nucance.
"Lovino? Are you okay?" Antonio sat beside me.
"I'm fine."
You're not fine. Why are you lying to him? Can't handle the fact that he's trying to help you yet you just make his life harder? He can have anybody, why does he want such an annoying, stupid, stubborn boy like you? You'll just end up ruining him too.
"Lovino? What's wrong?" He asked with more concern.
"Nothing's wrong."
Liar. Look how much life he has, I hope you enjoy taking it away from him. I wonder what he'll look like when we realizes he given up everything for absolutely nothing.
He threw a blanket over my shoulders, like had seen his father do when I was over last time. "You're okay. Stay here just a minute, okay?" He waited for a response but when he didn't get one, he ran off to his dad's office.
"Lovino? Are you alright?" The doctor asked, standing over me.
"I'm fine."
He took the remote and flicked off the TV before taking a seat across from me. He made me talk about my feelings and what all had happened today. He asked me what pills I had taken today, called my mom, then gave me some more. He told me that I may feel nauseous or dizzy and to tell him if I felt like killing myself, seeing as it's a common side effect. He stationed Antonio as my guard and whispered a warning in his ear before returning to his office.
"Alright." He forced a smile and clapped his hands enthusiastically. "What do you want to do?"
"Go to sleep."
"Something fun~"
"Go to sleep in a clown costume."
Antonio decided that none of these were good answers so he hooked up his gamer and we played Monster Ball Hunters. Actually, he played and I managed to hold the controller and get eaten by monsters. I couldn't stop thinking about my mom and what I could do to Antonio if I were careless. He's a total idiot. He'll do anything if he thinks it'll make me happy. That's why I can't be close to him. He'll be the one who takes me in and he'll be the one up all night when I'm having an episode. In his prime years when he should be out clubbing and drinking, he'll be checking a calendar and cleaning up the ruins of whatever I did to screw things up. I can't do that to him. I can't. He's a such a good, warm, person. I can't be selfish enough to rip away his whole life. If I have to say it, I care about that retard too much.
I should probably die. That would be best. Antonio's not going to give up, he doesn't ever quit, it's one of his flaws. If I died, he might cry a little but it would be better than if I lived. My dad wouldn't have to work so much, my mom would have free time, and they might even have another kid. The world is a better place without me in it.
The voices came back. Go to the bathroom. You need to go to the bathroom. It's important! All these problems can be solved! It's important! I was confused by this request but I decided to see what the grand solution was so I excused myself and went to the bathroom where a familiar face was waiting for me.
"Holy Fuck, Feliciano! How did you get in here!?" I shut the door quietly.
"I snuck in, what do you think?" He held a finger in front of his lips to signal that we're whispering.
"What the hell is going on!?"
"I thought about something."
"What?"
"An answer!"
"To what!? Like why you suddenly bailed on me!?"
"That's not what this is about! I found an answer to the problem of Antonio!"
"What?"
"I know how we're going to fix all this. Just listen, you need to find a knife, like a real knife and-"
"What the hell are you talking about!?"
"Just hear me out! You just need to get him once, you don't need to kill him or anything! Just slice him once in the side."
"Are you fuck'n crazy!?"
"No, I'm not! Look, we can all be happy. I get that bastard away from this town, you get some piece of mind and he gets a future away from you. Everything is great."
"Feliciano, this is getting weird. You've really become-"
"Listen to me, this will fix everything! You don't have to kill him! Just enough to scare him and show him that you're serious and that he can't screw with you. He'll leave or his dad will take him away and he'll move on. He may need a few switches but think about this in the long run. You'll be saving him."
"That doesn't make it okay to stab someone!"
"Can you just think about it?"
"Can you just go!?"
"Fine, I'll leave but we're not done talking about this." He growled and slid the window up.
"Yes we are."
He worked his way out and looked at me from the other side. "You're skeptical now but I know you, Lovino. I know you'll do the right thing."
"Go away." I closed the widow.
What the hell was he thinking!? Stab Antonio!? His dad would definitely take him away from me. In fact, we'd probably move states. Antonio would forget about me and I would forget about Antonio. We couldn't be tortured by these hidden feelings and I couldn't leech away his life like I do to my mother. Feliciano would be happy, Antonio would be safe, and I could hide under a rock for the rest of my life. Maybe…this could actually work?
No! That's insane! I couldn't stab Antonio! I can't kill a person! That's ridiculous! How could I possibly consider this idea!? I shook the thoughts out of my head and splashed my face with water until I was put together again. "Are you okay in there?" Antonio asked from outside the door.
"Yeah, I'm fine." He'd throw a fit if he knew what was actually going on. I opened the door to reveal him standing in the doorway curiously.
When I saw him, I could help imagining a razor in his side.
Was I actually…considering this?