Chapter 4 – Fists Up, Show Down

Taboo, Fergie, and Will,i,am quickly rushed to their reserved seats, only to find that they were still reserved for them.

"Oh no!" said Fergie.

"What?"

Fergie thought for a minute. "The wording in that first sentence made it sound like something bad happened, so I felt like it was only appropriate to respond in a way that gives a hint to the audience that we are aware of the problem at hand."

"Our seats were reserved, Fergie. Nothing bad happened."

"Well, I realized that immediately once I reread it. Why does the author have to phrase it like that? All that happened was we went to our seats and they were still reserved under our names. Why phrase it like it's a problem?"

"Yeah, I agree. At least if they're gonna phrase it like that, make a problem happen."

The author, now annoyed, decided that unfortunately, those seats were in the section of the theater that was getting demolished for remodeling, and so without warning, or any logical explanation, a wrecking ball trashed all four of their seats.

"Oh no!" said Fergie.

"See? That's an appropriate response for that. You're doing better at this, Fergie!"

As the gang scrambled trying to find some seats, famed poet Maya Angelou took the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, as a proud w-" Slime poured from the ceiling and onto the stage. Maya Angelou, barely holding it together, managed to finish her thought. "Anyways, here are 'The Black Eyed Peas' performing a medley of their hit songs." She began walking offstage, muttering cuss words under her breath.

"Wait a second," Fergie said, confused. "Should we be up their performing our hit songs right now? We're kinda busy."

Will,i,am looked back at Fergie. "No, I think it's the supergroup."

Looking back on stage, they noticed that Maya Angelou was having an argument with a producer near the backstage area. Exasperated, and clearly wanting to go home, she angrily stepped back up to the mic. "Apparently, there's been a mix up. I meant to-" Slime poured down from the ceiling again, along with a small amount of water. No, wait. Those were Maya Angelou's tears. That's an oopsies on my part. "Anyways," she sobbed. "What I meant to say was these are the 'Black Guy Peas' and they are performing a medley."

Taboo, Fergie, and Will,i,am all looked to the stage.

"So please give a round of applause to…" Maya Angelou listed off each member as they went onstage. "Frank Ocean and his extremely hot ex-boyfriend and male model Willy Cartier as Jenga and Citrus,de,citrus." Frank Ocean with a glue-on Fu Manchu and his ex-boyfriend took the stage. Fergie's lookalike followed. "Kirstie Alley as Furji"

"A part of me is insulted," said Fergie. "But another part of me is proud of her for flaunting her sexuality as wonderfully as she is."

Maya Angelou continued. "And lastly, as Will,i,also…"

Will,i,am waited for his clone. "I wonder who it is! It's probably somebody awesome, like Jay-Z or anybody with large amounts of money."

"A brown egg with googly eyes and hair!" Maya Angelou waited patiently as the brown egg was assisted onstage.

"What?" Will,i,am was Will,i,enraged. "How? How could I have been replaced by a brown egg in this gang of misfits? Does this mean that maybe… I'm less iconic than I think, and I need to give the others in this group much more credit?" It weighed on him heavily. He began to crumble to the floor, trying to answer seemingly unknown questions. He began to ponder about what being a celebrity has made him become, which would later give Will,i,am the idea for his future hit song, "This Burden I Carry," which was a heart-wrenching sonata played on piano and harp written in 6/4 time. Just kidding, it was actually a song about tits.

"Are you feeling it tonight?" Kirstie Alley said into the mic. The crowd was as pumped as a high heel. (Get it? Heel? Pumps?)

They began to sing. "BANG BANG BANG Gotta have some BANG BANG BANG Gotta have some."

"I have a prediction, That this night will be really good, That this night will be really good, That this night will probably be real real good"

"My mounds. My mounds my mounds my mounds, My beautiful female mounds"

"This is awful," Will,i,am yelled. "We need to stop them, but how?"

Suddenly, Taboo's voice boomed through the room. "I challenge you to a duel!"

The room gasped collectively. As the commotion settled down, Citrus,de,citrus spoke up. "You mean to say you of all people want to duel us? Do you know who we are? We are the Black Guy Peas, dammit."

Taboo looked confused. "Yeah, and I'm from the actual Black Eyed Peas. Did you really not know that?"

Citrus,de,citrus had a look of relief. "Oh, THAT'S who you look like! It was bugging me all day."

"Never mind about that!" Taboo started to walk towards the stage. "It's time for a battle. If you get out of the battle alive, you get to take the Black Eyed Peas name."

"Um… Taboo…" Fergie tried to get his attention.

"If we win, you have to step down and stop performing tacky versions of our own songs."

"Like, shouldn't we have a discussion about this, or something?" Fergie tried to speak up.

Jenga went up to Taboo. "Okay, little man." He licked his lips and swished his hair back in a particularly sassy fashion. "Let's play."

Will,i,am chuckled. "It's funny, because both of your names are board games."

"ROUND ONE!"

Citrus,de,citrus began charging towards Taboo with great speed. As he came closer and closer, Taboo drew his arm back, and immediately thrust his fist forward as Citrus,de,citrus came. No, not like that. Stop laughing. This is the serious part of the fic.

"Ow!" Citrus,de,citrus crumbled to the ground. "That's my nose! That was my fucking nose!" His bloody face looked into Taboo's ethnically indefinable eyes. "I've been Thinkin' Bout You… DEAD!" Taboo forgot that he was also Frank Ocean, so the joke didn't make sense at first.

He started briskly walking towards him, with a limp. His eyes were filled with rage, and his arms were being held by two men in grey suits- wait, what?

"Let go of me!" Citrus,de,citrus proclaimed. "What are you doing to me?"

One of the men in suits brought out a badge and started explaining. "Frank Ocean, AKA Citrus,de,citrus, AKA Aykaye Aye, you are hereby sued by the FCC for swearing on a children's program."

Citrus,de,citrus was whisked away to the backstage area. Jenga was clearly upset. "No, don't take him away!" He tried to follow him.

"ROUND TWO: FERGIE VS. KIRSTIE ALLEY"

"Who's saying that?" said Fergie, looking around trying to find the voice.

Kirstie Alley leaned toward Will,i,also and began whispering. "Look at this bitch. With her stupid blonde hair, and her stupid pouty lips."

"Hey!" Fergie yelled. "First of all, you have the exact same features. Second of all, you are talking to an egg, and he cannot hear you."

"Actually, he can. You see, about 5 years ago, an evil witch-"

"THIRDLY, if you want to say stuff like that, then come here and say it. Face to face. Mano y mano."

Taboo shrugged in anger. "Does nobody in this group know what that phrase means?"

Kirstie Alley tried to explain. "Mano y mano means mayonnaise and mayonnaise. Like, when you want extra mayonnaise on your sandwich right now, you say "Mano y mano, por mañana." Taboo was in the corner crying at the bastardization of the Spanish language. "And you know what 'Tío de dice' means?"

Taboo tried chime in. "…'Uncle of says'?"

"TIME TO DIE!" Kirstie alley pulled a sword out of… actually, I'm not sure exactly where she pulled it out of, but nevertheless, it's out now.

"A sword? Hah!" Fergie started reaching in her purse. "Say 'bueno' to my little friend!" As Taboo tried to explain that 'bueno' actually means 'good,' Fergie brought out a large squirt gun.

"That squirt gun? Hah! How do you think that's going to defeat my katana? You're so stupid, why don't you just-" Just then, Fergie started hitting Kirstie Alley over the head with the squirt gun, knocking her unconscious.

"You know, I'm starting to think the author of this fanfiction tries way too hard to be funny while moving on with a ridiculous plot," said Will,i,am. Just then, the fourth wall broke.

"FINAL BATTLE: Will,i,am vs. An egg."

"Do I really have to do this?" said Will,i,am to the omnipresent voice. "Like… it's an egg."

The egg didn't respond.

"Fine." Will,i,am lightly stepped on the egg with his shoe, cracking the shell. "I win." Will,i,am lifted his foot up only to reveal that the brown egg was actually filled with what seemed to be human blood, and shrunken intestines, now smothered by the impact of the boot. "what"

"Not the time to worry, Will!" Fergie said. "I know we need to do something else, but we're forgetting something!"

it was Apl,de,ap

"But what exactly are we forgetting?"

it was Apl,de,ap

"I'm not sure," said Taboo. "My mind's drawing a blank."

it was Apl,de,ap

"Whatever, guys. Let's just relax and watch the rest of the Kids Choice Awards."

Pope Francis was the next to walk up to the stage. "Post hoc nominatis Benedicite omnes judicaverint."

Will,i,am turned to the gang. "Is he speaking Latin?"

"No, I'm pretty sure that's Spanish," Fergie responded.

"Our nominees for purest of heart in an animated TV series are as follows-" Slime rained down from the ceiling, covering the Popes robes. He looked up to the producer. "I forgive you." He continued listing off the nominees, as the Black Eyed Peas watched with content in their eyes, knowing they had successfully taken down the Black Guy Peas.