Disclaimer: Vicki's chapter, twill be long. Tis fine though, for my next chapter is so very long that it might have to be split into three, nay FOUR different chapters! It might even be that this one must be split….banana splits…it's no sundae…I'm talking crazy here. Save me and read…
P.S. CAPTAIN JACK IS BACK! Trailer is out ladies an' gents! Need I say? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The day had come, they were showered, they were deodorized, they were ready. I arrived at Rachel's house at ten (after having left her alone with the boys the previous night, slipping her a tazer (for Sparrow should she need it) before I left) with my gear, a hair dryer at my waist like a gun, a spare hair net atop my head as if it were a cowboy hat. Rachel rushed down the stairs to greet me and quickly pulled me up to her room.
"Bout time you're here, they're driving me crazy!" She announced. I wondered how bad it could possibly be, but as soon as we reached her room and opened the door I understood. Jack was lying on her bed, talking to the poster of himself ("My god, yer a 'andsome fellow!) and Will was walking around her room, picking up objects and carefully looking at them.
"Victoria! You're here. I missed you!" Will cried out, coming to the door to embrace me.
"Ahh, Miss Victoria. I wonder, 'ave ye met this charmin' devil? I dare say ye 'aven't, but let me make the proper introductions…" Jack began, but Rachel soon cut him off.
"Shut up, Jack! It's a poster of yourself! Get over it! You're not that handsome!" I turned to her and raised an eyebrow, but Jack spoke for me.
"Tha's not wha' ye said las' night, love. 'Oh, Jack! Jack yer so amazingly handsome! Oh, Jack, take me, yes, YES!'"
"Jack, that never happened!" Rachel screamed, her cheeks a bright shade of red. I snorted with laughter behind my hand.
"True, but it could, me bonny lass, if ye'd only let it. Ohh, the ideas it give me…" Jack grinned, slowly approaching a cowering Rachel. I leapt in front of her, brandishing my scissors like a cutlass.
"Watch it, Sparrow, or you'll have no more hair on your chinny-chin-chin, get it?" Jack looked horrified and quickly stepped back, one hand lovingly caressing his braids.
"Alright, well I'd say it's time to get to work. Wouldn't you say, Rachel?" I asked.
"I certainly would, Vicki, lead on!" I nodded and motioned for everyone to exit the room. I led the way to the bathroom and took my place atop the sink.
"Okay you two, who's first?" Jack and Will looked at each other, confused, and then looked back at me.
"Well let's see, you're sitting on a…whatever that is, at perfect kissing height, legs slightly parted," Will said stepping into the room and standing between my knees, "Well, I'd have to say that I'm quite ready to go first…"
"Will!" Rachel said, her mouth open wide, "Get your mind out of the gutter! Woah, never thought I'd be saying that to you…"
"I meant," I said, painfully pushing Will away, "who's ready to get their hair cut?" Silence filled the bathroom for awhile. Then, at the same time, Will sank to his knees in fright and Jack jumped into the tub and pulled the shower curtain across, covering him from view.
"Oh for god's sake, it's for your own good!" Rachel said closing the door behind her. I simply smiled and put my flip-flopped feet on Will's head. A perfect foot rest!
"Jack, get your bloomin' arse out of there! You'll stink up the shower again!" Rachel cried, trying to open the curtain, though it seemed Jack had both ends tight in his grasp.
"No! Yer not cuttin' me 'air! 'S fine how it is, savvy?"
"Ok, just the mustache then!"
"NOO! Neither of ye two psychopaths will ever touch a hair on me 'ead!"
5 MINUTES LATER…
"I promise Jack, just a trim, ok? I'll even let you keep your dreads, deal?" I said after finally getting Jack seated in front of me.
"If…ye…must." I picked up the razor and went to trim his goatee, but in a flash I picked up the pair of scissors and cut straight through his braids. Jack leapt from his seat and felt for his absent beard.
"Bloody hell! Yer evil, ye know tha'! Me braids, me beauties…'ow could ye?" Jack wailed. I shook my head and sighed.
"Geezus, Jack! They'll grow back! Stop acting like a baby!"
"Baby? These WERE me babies! I named 'em, see? The right one was Dirty Mags, the bar wench and the left was Bartholomew. Little Bart I called 'im…come ta think about it, 'ee reminded me a bit o' Will…" Jack continued.
I sighed, looking to Rachel for support, but she simply stood in the doorway looking at Jack's smooth chin.
"What the HELL did you do that for? First you put him in my bed, practically begging to MOLEST me! And now you cut off his beard! I oughta…" Rachel lunged towards me but Will got there first. He grabbed her arms as she spat a string of random curses in my direction.
"Let me at her, you EUNUCH!" She screamed, trying to twist out of Will's grip, but he held fast. "Just cause you're banging her doesn't mean I can't mess her up a bit!" My jaw dropped open.
"HE'S NOT BANGING ME!" I yelled, now a bit ticked off. "Believe me; you'd know if he was!" Both of us glared contemptuously at each other before Jack broke the silence by clearing his throat.
"If I many be so bold," He started, seemingly forgetting his missing braids, "as to question why ye, love, are so forlorn over me chin dangles? I mean, I'm pleased beyond all human expectations, but I can't help meself but to question it. Could it be that ye LOVED my braids? Or ADORED them? Even OBSESSED with them, hmmm?" I smiled, a bit please with myself when Jack spat at me, "But yer still evil!"
"I did not obsess over your braids! Sorry to burst your overgrown bubble, Jack!" Rachel sneered, though I could tell a part of her was lying.
"Jack, I had to do it. You'd have never made it out on the streets with 'em." I said calmly. I heard Rachel expel a deep breath.
"That's true. Okay, Will, I promise not to go Kamikaze on your girlfriend, so please let me go!" Will looked at me, then released her, keeping his stance for a few moments after to make sure I wasn't going to be attacked by Rachel, the escaped convict.
"Ok. Sooo…Will…you're up!" Rachel said, taking a sear on the toilet (the lid was down, you stupids!)
"What? But I don't think, I mean…I don't have any follicle oddities like Jack."
"Follicle oddities? You mean you don't have stupid chin braids?" I asked. I heard a small growl from Jack, but locked my eyes on Will.
"Don't worry. All I plan to do for you is shave off your whiskery things and cut your hair."
"What! All that? Are you sure that's necessary?" Will asked, slowly starting to back away from me. I reached out and pulled a lock of his curls through my fingers, tilting my head to the side as if reconsidering.
"Yes." I quickly decided, pulling Will over to a nearby stool and pushing him down onto it. I breathed in deeply, then reached down and cut off a short piece of his hair.
"Whew. That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be."
"Wow, maybe he'll look less like a woman." Jack offered. I spun around sharply on my heel, putting the point of the scissors against his nose.
"Jack, you have a beautiful head of hair, have I ever told you that?" I asked cheerily.
"No, love. Ye 'aven't, but now's a good time to start sayin' it." Jack said. I smiled the fakest smile I could muster, then quickly switched into super scary mode.
"Well, unless you want me to scalp you Native American style and then tap dance on the bloody pieces of your chopped up dread locks, I SUGGEST YOU DON'T INSULT WILL!" I sighed, fixed my clothing, smiled sweetly at a startled looking Jack then turned to continue my work with Will.
888
"Well, what do you think?" I asked, greatly pleased with my work. Will stared at himself in the mirror.
"I suppose…it'll take awhile to get used to, but I admit it's certainly better than I imagined. Thank you." He said, placing a kiss on the top of my head. I'd trimmed his long hair so that it was a bit more Paris-y then Will, and of course he was clean shaven. I turned to Rachel.
"Well, do you approve?" She squinted her eyes as if seriously considering it.
"He still looks like Will. You know that, don't you?"
"Ahh," I smiled, "that's why they're getting new noses."
Jack's hand flew to his nose.
"Yer not cuttin' that off too! Ye think ye can just prance around cuttin' off people's appendages…" Jack's thoughts must have immediately flown to another of his beloved appendages, because his hands came off his nose and went to cover his, er, little pirate. You know, the one in his breeches.
"Cool down, you crazy, crazy kid!" I cried, "I'm done cutting. And unless you'd care to take a little trip to the feminine side, you can keep everything that's in your pants."
"Can I keep a cat? I 'ave a cat in me pants!" He grinned.
"Oh! I thought you were just happy to see me." Rachel mused.
"Would ye like me to be, love?" Jack said wickedly, stepping towards a now frightened looking Rachel.
"JACK!" I yelled, interrupting his movements, "Do you really have a cat in your pants?" Jack took on a glum look.
"No. But ifen' I did, I'd be keepin' it! Jack like 'is cats…er…in his pants."
"That's disgusting." Rachel said.
"Yes, but it's usually warm and furry too." Jack said.
"Are you talking about the cat now or something else?" She asked.
"Care ta find out?"
"OK!" I shouted, "That's enough!"
I paraded everyone out of the bathroom and down the stairs into Rachel's kitchen.
"God, this hairdressing stuff is hard." I sighed grabbing a diet cherry coke from the fridge and plopping myself down, on her countertop. Will came over and leaned his back on the cabinets. I reached over and planted a kiss on his clean shaven chin.
"Hmmm…" I said, rubbing my lips together, "I do kinda miss the bristly-ness." Will smiled and took a sip from my coke.
"I 'spose it's not all that bad." He said, staring down at the sliver and red can.
"Ok, so about them noses?" Rachel interrupted, stepping into the middle of the room. "How exactly are you going to do it?"
I grinned. Oh how little they believe.
"Flesh latex." I answered simply. Rachel raised an eyebrow.
"Flesh latex? That's it?" She looked entirely unconvinced.
"Flesh latex…and my skills! I can turn anything into…um…something else! I can make things smaller, bigger…"
"Oh well, that'd help dear William out, eh?" Jack grinned. I glared but continued.
"I can change shape,"
"Well he did mention it was a tad crooked…"
"Change color,"
"Now tha's disgusting! Must be some kind of fungus…"
"or texture." I finished.
"Oh! So it's Will that's got the furry one!"
"Hey! Jack! CRAM IT!" I yelled, "IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN YOURS!"
Jack immediately looked utterly insulted, Rachel's jaw dropped, and Will turned a lovely shade of scarlet. See, I told you I could change something's color!
"Uh, Vicki? Can I speak with you for a sec?" Rachel ordered more than asked, taking my arm and leading me out onto the deck. As soon as she shut the glass sliding door she turned back to me and started off.
"HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE WITH HIM?" She whisper-yelled, her eyes wide in shock. I swallowed.
"I…I don't really think it's any of your bus…"
"How else would you know whether it was better than Jack's?"
"Ohhhh!" I smiled, suddenly realizing, "So that's what this is about. You're upset because I'm, excuse the pun, BELITTLING your man! Don't worry, I don't REALLY know, I didn't it that closely, I just wanted a way to shut Jack up."
"I AM NOT UPSET!" She sighed, trying again, "I am not upset. I'm simply shocked at your actions…whatever they may be. You haven't answered my question yet. How far?" I felt my cheeks blushing.
"We've only…you know…like…fooled around…I mean…it was ONLY a night. So I don't really know how…how…you know…well, he was pretty excited at one point." I giggled, looking back at Rachel.
"Never mind, I don't wanna know."
She opened the sliding door behind her and stepped through. I paused for a moment, then followed. Jack was sitting down on the kitchen stairs looking a bit put off at Will.
"So boys…you ready?" I asked half heartedly. Will smiled weakly and glanced in Jack's direction.
"I'm done, Missy. Ye've played with us enough fer one day. I simply won't 'ave it." Jack stated, looking almost cutely like a child about to throw a tantrum.
"Jack, if you and Will EVER plan to leave this house and see how the world's changed since your day, this is a necessity. I mean, it's either this of we make you dress like women." Rachel calmly said. I snorted, trying to imagine Jack fixing his fake boobs while staggering down the street in heels. Hah! Will and Jack looked at each other, then immediately got up and began muttering something about wenches and pink bows.
"I promise, this won't hurt a bit." I smiled.
"Ow!" Jack cried.
"Jack! I'm not touching you! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Ye will touch me eventually, an' I know it'll hurt! Just preparing meself 's all." Jack reasoned. I sighed. This was going to take a while.
"It looks like a pig snout." Jack replied, looking in the mirror I was holding.
"No it doesn't. Stop whining." I answered, shaking my head I'd added a look of the flesh latex on the sides of his nose, making the whole thing bigger. Actually, it made him look a bit French. Not that big noseFrench, but it's true for all my French relatives!
"No, you see Miss Victoria, it DOES look like a OINK…oh god! Ye've turned me into a swine! Oink! Nooo, make it stop! Get it off me!" Jack yelled leaping off his roost and jumping stupidly around the room.
"Jack! Calm down, you're acting like a fool." Will said. I'd done his nose first, adding a little latex on the bridge and highlighting the sides to make it look longer and broader. He hadn't looked too pleased at first, but now that Jack was behaving like a baby he'd dropped his slight irritation and was working hard at, once again, trying to be more gentlemanly than Jack (not that hard!)
"Jack, I always find it truly remarkable that you mange to take a simple situation and thoroughly muck it up!" Rachel shouted.
"Ah lass, I see yer still upset. Tell ye what, meet me upstairs in five minutes and I'm sure we can resolve this." Jack said a crooked grin. Rachel's face grew dark.
"How dare you!"
"Jack! Rachel…do I need to separate you two?" I asked, "I'll put you in time out, you know I will!" I was beginning to worry that they had an abusive relationship, yelling, maybe clawing…I did see her try to spike Jack's food with Tabasco the other night…actually that'd be pretty funny! Oh well, whatever toots your horn.
"Guys, I'm tired. Makeovers have a certain way of making you tired. I have to baby-sit tonight, so I'm out. Rachel," I said saluting, "good luck. I leave them once again in your care. Oh, and my mom and dad are going to the beach this weekend, and they said that I could have a friend over, so…that means you all can come."
"Woohoo!" Rachel cried, coming up to shake my hand, "Deal!"
"Deal. BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, JACK, IF YOU MESS UP MY HOUSE I WILL NOT FALTER IN MY ACTION OF KILLING YOU, RESURRECTING YOU FROM THE DEAD AND KILLING YOU AGAIN!" I yelled straight at Jack's face, which was currently trying to do his impression of an angel…not working.
"Now why, love, would I do a thing like tha'? Ye act like I have no respect fer a thing like a house, or a ship I want, or a person who's really getting' on me nerves!" I smiled.
"Oh, but that's cause you don't, Jackie." Will then stepped forward.
"You mean I get to see your home, Victoria?" He asked.
"Yes, Will. I don't live too far from…"
"Your home…where you live?"
"Yes, Will. That's what a house is, it's where you live, and eat and…sleep in." I said slyly. Will's expression changed entirely from a look of some 17th century graciousness at being invited to your girlfriend's home, to a look of anticipation at the weekend's prospective, er, events. "But today's only Thursday. So we'll have to wait."
With a quick kiss from Will I was out the door.