The Impala had eaten up the miles, and the silence had built in the car since I told Sam I knew what was best for the two of us. It was wrong of me to say that, especially after what he said in the hotel room. I did boss him around, like four years was such an all mighty age gap that made me so much wiser and smarter than Sam. Who was I kidding?
"Sam?" I asked. He just gave me dead eyes. "Come on Sammy." I pleaded.
"I'm not ready to go to Bobby's yet." He said finally. I think I knew that somewhere in the back of my mind.
"But it's Bobby." I said finally.
"I just can't Dean. Not after what I've done."
"He's family." Sam went silent. "Family forgives." I said hoping that would entice him out of this funk.
"Family forgives." He said flatly and gave me the full weight of his eyes. He was implying that I didn't forgive him for his transgressions as of late. I forgave him the moment he said he was sorry, in that scared, truly Sammy way, the night Lucifer's cage was opened.
"Yes, Sammy, family forgives."
***
"Yes, Sammy family forgives." Dean's voice was sincere, but I found it difficult to believe it. I nearly killed my brother over a week ago, there was no way in the world that he could sit there and tell me that he forgives me.
"How can you say that?"
Dean paused and the only sound between us was the Impala's tires against pavement. "Dean?" I prompted. It was like he went to sleep on me.
"I have to believe it," he said softly. "I have to believe it Sammy or I can't get through the day."
"For what you did in Hell?" I asked. He licked his lips, propped his elbow on the window and pinched at his brows. "You think I need to forgive you for that?" I asked.
"Drop it Sammy."
"No. I won't drop this Dean. There is nothing to forgive. You had to keep your sanity, you were allowed to not be in pain, even if it was Hell Dean. There is nothing to forgive, you protected yourself."
Dean snorted. He didn't believe me. Why was it always so much easier for him to forgive others, forgive me, and not himself? Why is that? I mean, so what, he tortured a few people in the hot box that were there because they were horrible people. I, on the other hand, opened the door on Lucifer's cage, because I was too stubborn, revenge filled to listen to reason, and I am the one who is going to be responsible if Castiel, Dean, Bobby, and I aren't able to keep Lucifer pinned up, for the world's ultimate destruction. Why is that forgivable but Dean's sins aren't.
"You tortured souls that deserved torturing. You didn't harm anyone who didn't deserve it." Dean snorted again.
"I was in hell, does that mean I deserved the torture?"
"No. But Dean….come on. You know what I mean."
"I know Sammy. That's not what I need forgiven for anyway." He said softly. I wracked my brain. What else could there be? For not going with me and Ruby? For what? Not protecting me? For not saving me when I was on the self destruction train? He couldn't fix any of that. He did the best he could. There was nothing else. "I need forgiven for starting the apocalypse." That stopped me dead. What in the hell?
"What?"
"I started all of this."
"No. No. Lilith did."
"No. Sammy. I was the righteous man who spilled blood in hell. I broke the first seal. I started this whole mess. Every last piece of this is my fault." My blood went cold. That explained the demon who wouldn't deal, the whole mess, of course. They all had this planned, the demons knew exactly what they were doing. Dean shifted, I was just about to say something when the radio turned on and blasted. Dean thought I didn't forgive him, and my silence confirmed it. Oh lord. How I have screwed this up. Again.