Two things about this one - it's my longest review so far, and it's probably my cruelest as well. Apologies in advance to SpongeNSpongegirl.
Now, review replies;
TweenisodeOrange: Me too. I mean, it's a freaking musical! Anyway, glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading!
Movie-Brat: I got them. Consider them on my consideration list. Thanks for reviewing!
Cartooniac55: Glad you liked it! I hope you like this one...D. Thanks for the review!
Review Four: The Complete Works of SpongeNSpongegirl - Hell Has Bad Grammar
I'm going to ask my readers to take a trip down memory lane.
Remember when you were in kindergarten, when all was nice and happy and the Russians had nukes aimed at your backyards? Yeah?
Well, do you remember the day when your teacher told you about this wonderful tool of literature known as the quotation mark? When she told you to use these quotation marks to denote when a character started and stopped speaking?
You do?
Good.
Evidently, somebody fell asleep during that message, not only averting the primary rule of the time (TEH REDZ W1LL STR1KE UZ 1N R SLEEPZ!), but also missing out on this most vital of lessons. Therefore, this person never learnt to use quotation marks.
Now, from looking at her mercifully short profile, I find I can skip the first two stories – a script format fic that hilariously manages to remove every instance of Mr. Krabs' name, and a second one with the same problem which is pretty much a mesh of the Movie and the superhero episode.
Well, I guess that second idea will never be credible again. I'm sad now.
Then we get up to her third fic – 'The New Girl' – and that's where it all begins…
P.S.: I know none of you went to kindergarten at the height of the Cold War. I was joking.
"Welcome back, people of the internet," I greeted, "Anyway, Danny, Sam and Tucker are in hiding in Puerto Rico right now, so I hereby introduce our guest reviewers – Spongebob Squarepants, Squidward Tentacles and Sandy Cheeks!"
Crickets chirped. If I expected applause, I was disappointed.
"Look, I'm only here because Krabs forced me," deadpanned Squidward, "Can we get this over with so I can go home?"
I nodded, and opened the first fic – The New Girl.
There was a short pause.
"My eyes," I whimpered at last, "They bleed."
A small red drop fell from my left eye.
It was a peaceful evening in Bikini Bottom. The Krusty Krab was full of customers and of course Spongebob was busy making Krabby Patties. Then something unexpected happened. The Krusty Krab got a new customer. She knows a lot about the Krusty Krab. Everyone seen her come in except for , Squidward, and Spongebob who were all busy doing something
"Why did it blank out Mr. Krabs' name?" asked Spongebob.
Hurry up Spongebob and finish those dishes. We have customers waiting.
Spongebob Ok sir I'm almost done.
Squidward Hey have you ever seen this customer before because I haven't.
No I haven't seen her before either.
"Can someone tell me who the heck is supposed to be talking?" demanded Sandy.
"I'd love to, but haven't the foggiest," I shrugged.
Hi I'm Sarah. I'm new here. I haven't been here before but I know a lot about the Krusty Krab.
"Here comes Mary Sue, here comes Mary Sue, right down Mary Sue Laaaane," I began to sing.
"Please stop that," deadpanned Squidward, "He'll start doing it."
He pointed to Spongebob, who looked ready to sing.
I'm and this is Squidward. Spongebob is in the kitchen cooking Krabby Patties.
"Nice to meet you And! I'm Spongebob!" grinned Spongebob.
Yeah why else. So Sarah what were you going to say?
I really like one of your employees.
Really who?
Um… Who did you say cooks?
Oh that's Spongebob.
I gave Squidward an apologetic look, before breaking into song again.
"Can you feel the creep tonight?" I sang, "You sound like a staaaalkeeeeer!"
"I think ya killed, the quotation marks," continued Sandy.
"And I'm feeling afraaaaaaid!" finished Spongebob.
Squidward groaned.
Well first things first. I have to become friends with him before I tell him. I'm just scared too. Can I go ahead and introduce myself to him?
Oh no need to I'll call him out here and I'll go somewhere else. Spongebob!
"Oh no! Mr. Krabs is condoning a stalker!" I gasped.
"He'd probably do that in real life if you paid him," shrugged Squidward.
Ok. Hi I'm Spongebob and you are…
I'm Sarah. Um… I'm new in Bikini Bottom and well I really don't have many friends yet so I was wondering if you…
Would be your friend. Sure I really don't have many friends either just my friends Patrick and Sandy.
My friends are Melissa and Jacob.
"Bet that's the last we'll hear of them in this fic," mused Squidward.
"I'm sittin' right next to you, y'know," reminded Sandy.
"How could I forget?" deadpanned Squidward.
"Ooh, five-hundred malnourished Squandy fans just punched the air!" I smirked.
"Wait…I didn't mean it like that," snapped Squidward.
I'd be happy to be your friend but can we talk later. I just finished the dishes and I need to get back to work so doesn't get mad.
Yeah I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with your boss. Bye. She said.
See ya later. Said Spongebob.
Well, Well, Well… Looks like Spongebob has a new friend. I think this is the perfect time to steal the formula. Said Plankton.
"Where did Plankton come from?" asked Spongebob.
"How can you even tell with this stuff?" shrugged Sandy.
Excuse me can I help you? Asked Plankton
With what?
I heard you like Spongebob.
"O HAI SO I HEARD YOU LIKE SPONGEBOBZ," I said.
There was a long silence.
"I just did another Double Entendre, didn't I?"
Sandy and Squidward nodded.
Wait a minute I know all about you. You are Plankton and you are always trying to get it. Well forget it. I'm not doing it. I'd rather find out if Spongebob likes me on my own and giving you the formula would certainly not help. Why would I do that anyway? Spongebob loves his job and I can't give you the formula. That would really hurt him. Even if Spongebob doesn't like me we will still be friends. (Eh?) You'll never get the formula. (She walks away and Plankton says)
I'll get the Krabby Patty Formula one way or another and you're part of my plan weather you like it or not. (So Plankton starts working on robots for his plan.)
"Why is it always robots?" sighed Spongebob.
"Since when have you had to deal with robots?" demanded Squidward.
"Well, it depends if you think Battle for Bikini Bottom is canon," I mused.
"Isn't that the one where you kept throwin' me off the Sea Needle?" asked Sandy.
There was a short silence.
"…no."
Good morning everyone I had the best morning. Today everything went perfect. Spongebob said.
Who cares? Said Squidward.
I do.
"Wait? It's morning now?" mused Sandy.
"Maybe she has a time machine," suggested Spongebob.
Now I have to tell you something.
Well I'm listening.
(Then Plankton burst through the door and so everyone stopped what they were doing).
Sorry Sarah. Excuse me I have something to take care of.
"Ahl be bahck," I said in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.
"That was terrible," snapped Squidward.
Oh the usual to steal the formula but with a different twist.
Then Plankton brings in a robot with Gary in a cage
Meow (Help.)
Don't worry Gary I'll save you.
"I can just feel the emotion," deadpanned Squidward.
Then Plankton had a shrink ray and shrank Spongebob to be smaller than him and put him in a bag. So the bag was really big and Spongebob could not get out. And Sarah saw the whole thing.
"…there is probably enough innuendo in that sentence to flood Belgium," I uttered.
(Words of the Narrator) So she did what she planned. She got Gary out of the cage before the robot exploded. All the customers ran out of the restaurant. Gary could understand Sarah and Sarah could understand Gary. Gary went to get help from Sandy and so Plankton was busy dodging robot pieces and then started putting them back together. Sarah's friend was also a scientist like Sandy but was not as successful.
Melissa you have to help me. My friend is in trouble. By any chance do you have a device that can cause people to return back to normal size? Asked Sarah.
No sorry I don't Sarah. You better go see someone else for that. Or you should try to solve the problem yourself. I really can't do anything to help you.
Meow (Sandy you have to help Spongebob.)
Woah! Calm down Gary. What's going on?
Meow (Spongebob is in trouble He's at the Krusty Krab. Plankton trapped him by shrinking him down smaller than he is and now he's stuck in a brown bag.)
I'm glad I prepared that device. I knew I would need it for something. Let's go.
"Okay, who the heck is supposed to be speakin'?" demanded Sandy.
"I think it's Sarah…or Melissa…or you…or maybe it's Gary…"
"It's Abraham Lincoln, now keep reading!" scowled Squidward.
You know what that means Plankton. Said
No don't throw me. Ahh…
"What is this, a doctor's appointment?" snapped Squidward.
You're welcome but I wasn't the only one that helped you. Your friend Sandy built this to get you back to normal size.
I'll have to thank her later. She already left. She must have had something really important to do. She told me that she was working on something big.
Hey what did I miss? Asked Patrick.
"Patrick!" grinned Spongebob, "Err…where did he come from?"
I'm not sure but while you were gone Plankton told me that you like me. I just didn't know if he was telling the truth but do you like me?
He told you…. He's right Spongebob. I liked you from the moment I saw you but I'm sure you don't like me like that. I met you yesterday and it's the truth. I really like you. Plankton was trying to get me to give him the formula but I wouldn't. I knew how much the Krusty Krab meant to you. Either way I told Plankton even if you didn't like me like that we would still be friends. I just have one question. Do you like me? I've got to know.
(Spongebob thought about Sandy. He really liked her but couldn't tell her that he loved her. So he decided to give Sarah a chance since she was probably the only one that really likes him.)
"Oh no, she's a Spandy shipper," I sighed, "Damn it, she'll lower our LCD!"
I closed the fic.
"One down, many to go," I sighed, "The next one is 'Late for a Date,' so get ready for a mountain of suckitude…"
"Stop trying to be funny," shot Squidward.
I opened the next story, and shuddered again.
"Oh no," I shuddered, "Now it's in all BOOOOOOLLLLLD!"
My facial expression was vaguely similar to 'The Scream'.
I love Krabby Patties. I'll be at work all day today Gary but tomorrow we can spend the day together.
Meow (Ok).
Well you said you wanted to spend the day together didn't you?
Meow (Yes).
Ok then tomorrow we'll spend the day together.
"You could've said all that in the one sentence, y'know," reminded Sandy.
Hey Spongebob have you seen my new hat? (Patrick's hat said…I live under a rock).
Cool hat Patrick. You really do live under a rock.
"…and the award for unfunniness goes to…" began Squidward.
I wanted to talk to you and remind you that we have our first date tomorrow.
Oh hang on a minute Sarah I just remembered that I was going to spend the day with Gary tomorrow. But we can go on our date at about eight o clock tomorrow.
"You could have had a great plot complication right there, but noooo," I sighed.
Ok work is over with and I think I need to talk to Patrick. I think I need his help.
With what everything?
No not everything Squidward just about my first date tomorrow.
Ha. Spongebob knowing you it will probably be a complete disaster.
"You go to Patrick for help and you consult Squidward for friendly advice," noted Sandy, "That ain't gonna end well."
"Are you kidding?" chuckled Spongebob, "I'd trust Patrick and Squidward with anything!"
A scare chord played.
Woah no way… your really going to go out with Sandy.
Yeah that's… what no! Not Sandy. Patrick don't you remember I told you it was with Sarah.
Really Spongebob. I always thought you liked Sandy.
No way me and Sandy are just friends. I guess that's all we will ever be. So since me and Sandy are just friends I decided to date Sarah.
"Why do I keep repeating myself?" asked Spongebob.
Thanks Patrick I feel a little better now that I talked to you. I was so nervous about the date but I'm ready now.
What! Spongebob you should always be comfortable with who you are dating. I bet you wouldn't be nervous if you were dating Sandy. You hardly know this girl. You've known Sandy for a long time.
Patrick that's enough. I think I know what I'm doing and besides even if I wanted to date Sandy she would never want to date me back. You know Patrick I'll see you later.
"Y'know, crap story has a point here," I mused, "Perhaps a competent author could one day take this plot and run with it."
"Well, that bars you," shot Squidward.
Oh no I'm already two minutes late. This is not good. Especially since this is the first date. What will Sarah think?
I knew I should've waited until tomorrow to finish painting. I completely lost track of time and now I'm late. Spongebob is probably waiting for me.
Ok I'm here… Sarah?
Oh He's already here.
Sorry I'm late Spongebob.
Oh no I'm sorry I completely lost track of time.
Oh well that's ok so did I Spongebob.
Ok well after you. closed the Krusty Krab early but left it open just for us.
Ok so we'll have the restaurant all to ourselves then.
Yeah and when the Krusty Krab is not selling Krabby Patties that is usually on dates and so we can order something other than Krabby Patties.
Cool.
You look nice tonight Sarah.
Thanks so do you.
You know to be honest Sarah I was actually kind of nervous about tonight. This is my first date.
Oh well don't feel bad Spongebob. I was nervous too. This is also my first date.
Oh well you didn't have to dress fancy I like you no matter what.
Thanks Spongebob you too.
Well I do like to look nice.
Me too especially if it is for something special.
Well this date went by faster than I thought. I can't believe it is already over.
I know time flies when you're having fun. We should do to this more often.
Yeah I just don't know when. I know I'll have to work all this week. I'm lucky I got today off.
I know but in your opinion what did you think of the first date Spongebob?
I thought it was very exciting and I nothing to be nervous about.
That's what I think.
I really enjoyed our first date and well I don't have to be nervous anymore.
"Well – that's it," I noted, "That's the entire rest of the fic. What an anticlimax."
"You want a climax for this?" demanded Squidward.
"Yeah – the climax means I'm nearly finished. But sadly, there is more. A fic entitled 'Sarah or Sandy?'"
"Sounds like a dinner menu," considered Spongebob.
(Spongebob first talks to Sandy on the phone)
Of course I'll come over for karate. I've been bored all day.
Ok I'll see you later Spongebob.
(Hangs up the phone and says…)
I love Karate. Hi yah! Oh yeah back in action.
"What was the point of that?" demanded Sandy, "They skipped us doin' karate anyway!"
"Probably because that might actually be interesting," sighed Squidward.
(Spongebob at work)
Good morning Spongebob.
Good morning sir. How are you?
I'm fine. Come on now let's get to work shall we.
Oh yeah I came to work not talk.
Here come the customers.
Ahh! I better get into the kitchen.
Relax boy it's only your girlfriend.
"Who am I talking to?" asked Spongebob.
"I'm going to take a wild stab and say Josef Stalin," I replied.
Oh I just got done doing Karate with Sandy.
Oh… So was there anything else that was going on?
Well she does make cookies and tea every time I go over there.
Just out of curiosity… How long have you known her?
Oh for a long time why?
"Oh Neptune," groaned Squidward, "She doesn't think he's…y'know…doing the works?"
"What does that mean?" asked Spongebob, confused.
"Well…it's…well, y'know, making the bacon?" suggested Sandy, "Doing 'it'? Making babies?"
Spongebob blinked.
"Look, she thinks you're having sex," I sighed, heavily, "I'm sorry, there's no other way around it!"
There was a brief silence.
"Oh," nodded Spongebob.
Well how long have you been going up there?
I told you I've been going up there for years.
No wait a minute Spongebob you didn't exactly tell me years.
Well I said a long time. What's this about anyway?
Nothing I just don't really want you going up there without me knowing about it.
Wait a minute. Are you jealous of Sandy?
No I'm not jealous I just don't want you going up there.
Oh so you're saying I can't even see my own best friend.
Oh sure you say that you're friends but how do I know that she's not anything else?
Ok I think you are jealous of Sandy. There is nothing going on between me and Sandy.
Sure like I haven't heard that before.
Where have you heard it from you said that I was the first guy you've ever dated?
My mom had many bad relationships. I guess she was right. Some guys would see other people while they date me.
Sarah! You're getting all worked up over nothing. I don't like Sandy that way.
I'm sure that's what they all say. I'm going home. Goodbye Spongebob were through.
No wait!
Forget it Spongebob it's over.
"Yaaaay! Maybe we can stop reading soon!" Spongebob cheered.
All eyes fell on him.
"Whoa," gasped Sandy, at last, "It's really that bad?"
(Work ends at the same time Sarah leaves. Spongebob goes home crying. The scene changes to Spongebob at home crying and talking to Gary)
What did I do wrong? I never even had a girlfriend before and now the first relationship I ever had is over.
Meow (What happened)?
"Didn't he just tell you?" groaned Squidward.
(Then Spongebob is in for the surprise of his life… Sarah calls him)
Hello
Hi… It's Sarah. Listen I'm sorry about earlier… I was just jealous of Sandy.
Well part of it was my fault. I should've told you I was going over there.
Well I wanted to call you for another reason… I don't think it was really working out anyway so I think we should see other people. I can see anyone and I guess you can see anyone you want to even if it is Sandy.
Sandy rolled her eyes and said a word. It rhymed with 'glitch'.
"Sandy!" gasped Spongebob.
"What?" demanded Sandy, "It's true!"
"Yeah, well my chin had stitches once," I snapped, "I doubt they want to be compared to that tremendous pr…"
"Moving on!" exclaimed Spongebob, scrolling down.
Ok… Can we still be friends?
Of course. After all we've been through we'll be friends for life.
"You fought Plankton once and had one date," Squidward pointed out, "Yep…all you've been through."
Dear Sandy,
I hope I don't freak you out or anything but there is something I need you to know. I just can't tell you in person because it would surely change everything. Ok Ever since the day we met I always knew there was something special about you. I've had a secret ever since the moment I first saw you. I've wanted to tell you this for a long time. I love you Sandy. I always have ever since the day we first met. For me it was love at first sight. I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same or you liked someone else. I was afraid to tell you so I hope this letter says it all.
Sincerely, A secret Admirer.
"I never knew you were so poetic," noted Sandy.
"Neither did I!" grinned Spongebob.
Um… Hi Sandy. What's going on?
I think you know exactly what's going on Spongebob. You wrote this letter and thought I wouldn't find out about it.
I'm sorry Sandy it's just that…
Hang on Spongebob I'm not mad.
You're not.
No but I just have to know… Did you really mean that in your letter when you said you love me?
Of course I did Sandy but I understand if you don't feel the same way.
I do feel the same way Spongebob I just wished you would have told me.
I'm sorry but I was just too nervous, and I thought you liked someone else.
Of course not Spongebob you're the guy I like but I thought since you were dating that girl Sarah that you loved her.
Well I did date her but I never really loved her the way I loved you and the only reason I dated her was because I thought you would never love me.
Oh so I guess you broke up with her but that is what I was sort of confused about. I thought you were still dating Sarah when you sent me that letter.
No Sarah broke up with me and that was the reason I was upset because I thought I lost the only girl that loved me. But now since we told each other how we feel I only have one question… What does that make us now?
I'm not sure Spongebob.
Well anyway I think I know what to do so… Sandy will you go out with me?
Sure Spongebob I thought you would never ask.
I sighed heavily.
"Look, if I wanted Spandy, I'd go for a better author – like Cartooniac, or SOLmaster, or that guy who sells beans on the roadside and claims to have assassinated JFK," I lamented.
"Are we done yet?" asked Squidward, boredly.
"Yeah," I nodded, "That's the main meat of her stuff. There's just…oh no."
I gazed at the screen in abject horror.
"What? What is it?" asked Spongebob.
"She wrote a FOP/Spongebob crossover," I replied, horror-struck.
"Are we going to read it?" shuddered Spongebob, looking frightened.
There was a long silence.
"No," I decided, "Instead, I go out unto the world…"
There was a short pause.
"…and assassinate somebody!"
NOT SO FAST!
All eyes turned, fear evident in their very souls. For there, standing at the door and wielding a sword – was SpongeNSpongegirl.
"President Taft?" I breathed, "You're SpongeNSpongegirl?"
Yes! yelled Taft, somehow speaking without quotation marks, I am SpongeNSpongegirl, alias President William Howard Taft, only President to hold the rank of Chief Justice…
"…and first President to get stuck in the bathtub, yeah," Sandy nodded.
HOW DARE YOU MENTION THAT! shouted Taft, his eyes shining with the fury of a thousand suns, FOR SUCH CRIMES, YOU SHALL…
"TIME TO PAY YOUR DEVIL'S DUE, TAFT!"
"Ghost Rider?" mused Squidward.
"Better," smirked Sandy.
The door was kicked open – by President Theodore Roosevelt.
"It's Theodore Roosevelt!" cheered Spongebob.
YOU! gasped Taft, You ALWAYS foil me, TR! But not today!
"Let's take this outside, chump!" snarled Roosevelt.
NYEHAHAHAHAHAHA! laughed Taft, twirling his moustache.
Both former Presidents ran from the room. We could hear them fighting outside.
"Well, there you go," shrugged Sandy, "SpongeNSpongegirl is a dangerously overweight former President."
"…and he called himself SpongeNSpongegirl," nodded Squidward, "Somebody's seen better days."
"I saw it coming," shrugged Spongebob.
Final Verdict of the Works of SpongeNSpongegirl
Spongebob Squarepants: 4/10.
Sandy Cheeks: 3/10.
Squidward Tentacles: 0/10.
E350: 2/10.
Total: 9/40.