**If you are getting this as a story/author alert, this is a new chapter, but it occurs earlier in the story. Has some more missing scenes, including Edward and Carlisle discussing the first night on Isle Esme. I hope you'll read it. But don't worry! Today I am also posting the next chapter in the story (finally!) - Chapter 8 "Visitor". :)
Check out my one-shot "Reckoning at Dawn" as a companion piece to Edward and Carlisle's discussion in this chapter.
Thank you to Beta lada_8 for all her time and suggestions helping me work through this chapter.
Stephanie Meyers owns all things Twilight!
The morning light brought no hope with it. Things were progressing fast, whether we wanted them to or not, right in front of our eyes. Everything felt shadowed by an oppressive cloud of uncertainty, fear and dread.
Esme cooked eggs for breakfast, which Bella pushed around her plate with an unhappy look on her face. I could tell she had no interest in eating. Now I sat watching Rosalie run her cold, white hand carefully over Bella's stomach, as Bella smiled at her, and I fought back the urge to scream.
Son, can I talk to you alone for a minute? Carlisle was standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at me solemnly. I pressed my hand gently to Bella's cheek and then followed Carlisle out to the dining room. He faced me, his expression thoughtful.
I want to speak to Bella about her symptoms, try to pinpoint the exact point of conception, if possible. I don't want to make Bella uncomfortable, though. I am her doctor, but also her father-in-law. He smiled slightly as this. You and I have never had a chance to talk about how things…went on the honeymoon.
"Didn't Alice tell you what happened?" I muttered quietly. I felt unexpectedly uncomfortable.
"Alice told us only that things, were, well, successful the first night." I grimaced. Leave it to Alice to consider that night a success. Since I hadn't broken any bones or outright killed Bella, apparently congratulations were in order.
When did you first have intercourse with her, Edward? Carlisle was struggling to remain respectful, to not overstep any lines, but he felt he needed to know everything he could to help us.
"The first night," I said quietly. With these words, the emotions hit hard. The guilt and pain from that night came rushing up through me, reminding me that I had hurt her, the one I loved. The memories viciously clawed at me. I braced myself against the shame, against the confession I needed to make.
"Carlisle." My whisper was rough, barely audible. "I hurt her."
Carlisle drew in a sharp breath, and his eyes flickered uneasily towards the living room where Bella was, and then back at me. But Alice told us she was Ok?
"The injuries were bruises. They…healed." It was agony to admit, to remember. Carlisle nodded slightly, his eyes still tense.
And then, the words poured out of me. It was actually a relief to release them. "Carlisle, I tried so hard to be careful, but, but I…I never expected it to be like that. I guess I lost control. I was overcome, it was just so much."
I lowered my head and closed my eyes, remembering. Bella's flushed face, the feel of her body beneath mine. Knowing it was too dangerous this way, yet unable, unwilling, to stop. My hand clutching her, drawing her closer. She was everywhere, everything, and I never wanted it to end. Then my control slipping, the venom pooling in my mouth…the feathers. I shuddered.
Carlisle sighed, his thoughts sympathetic. Son, I know you tried your best, under what were extremely difficult circumstances. There was no long-term harm done.
I just shook my head, keeping my eyes down. He couldn't be more wrong about that.
"Well,"mused Carlisle. At least, if you only made love that one time, it makes it very easy to determine the date of conception.
I froze at his thoughts. Biting remorse and shame washed through me, ice cold. I very slowly raised my eyes to meet Carlisle's. He had a quizzical look on his face, but as he took in my expression, his face froze, his eyes widening slightly.
"You tried again with her?" he whispered. His face was aghast. "Even given her injuries the first time?"
My shame at his horrified expression was staggering. How I wished I could be the person he saw, someone who would never take actions that would endanger Bella's safety. How immensely he underestimated my weakness, my selfishness.
And yet, how to explain to him the need that second time? Hers and mine. All those days, tortured by a desire that never waned, never abated. And then, unexpectedly, the feel of her hot skin pressing against mine, her desperate hands clutching me. Her pleading voice giving me the terrible permission my body sought. The stunning intoxication of finally giving in. There was no way to explain it.
"She wanted to," I whispered. As if that excused my behavior. It was hard to speak through the tightening in my throat. "I didn't hurt her again."
Carlisle's expression relaxed slightly. He reached out and touched my arm. I'm sorry, Edward, it really isn't any of my business. I shrugged miserably.
Carlisle stood up. "Well, I'm going to go and talk to Bella, see if I can get a better handle on when her symptoms started."
I grabbed his arm. "Carlisle." My mouth formed the words, making no sound. I did not want to be heard. "What are we going to do?"
Carlisle sighed, pain tight in his eyes. I don't know yet, Edward. I need to examine her first, to better understand what we are dealing with. But for now, we can to keep her safe and comfortable. He gazed at me for a second more, and then left the room, anxious to talk to Bella and determine the point of conception.
I didn't watch him go. I knew that Carlisle wanted to do his job, to be thorough, and I would let him. But I had no doubt when the date of conception was. I was sure it was our first night on the island. This seemed cruelly fitting to me. I remembered, in acute detail, the agonized horror of the moment I realized that I had hurt Bella, that I had let my own pleasure mark her precious skin. The overwhelming disgust in myself as I watched the bruises darken and spread in the light of the coming dawn, as I spiraled down into what I thought was one of my lowest moments. It was a bitter irony to discover that I had only known, then, a faint shadow of the devastation my selfishness had wrought on her that night.
I rose slowly and walked into the living room. Emmett and Rosalie were standing behind the couch together, their eyes trained on me. They had been listening to my conversation with Carlisle with great interest, although their reactions to it were completely different. Rosalie was feeling a little smug, having always thought I would not be able to give Bella what she wanted without hurting her.
Emmett, of course, was enjoying what he considered to be my subsequent successes. Way to go, man. Finally! I snorted quietly.
Carlisle was sitting with Bella, explaining that he wanted to try to pinpoint the date of conception as accurately as possible.
"Normally, I would use the date of your last menstrual cycle, but with such a compressed time frame, and such accelerated growth, I'd like to try to be particularly specific. Try to go back and think about when the symptoms began."
"Well," said Bella, "The vomiting didn't begin until …the night Edward was away hunting." She glanced at me. "But then, before that, there were the, uh, intense dreams, the crying." She glanced again at me, blushing deeply over her face and down her neck.
I watched her carefully. "But Bella, remember, even the first morning, you were so hungry." I held her eyes as she nodded. Shock registered immediately in Carlisle's thoughts. The first morning. So first night was point of conception. The symptoms started so fast. That's extremely fast. I glanced quickly at him, but he didn't meet my eyes.
"OK, then." Carlisle patted Bella's leg and stood up. "If you are ready, Bella, let's go upstairs to my office. I would like to examine you and take some measurements, so we can track growth."
Rosalie whipped around the couch, standing directly in front of Bella.
"Absolutely not," she stated firmly. Carlisle looked at her in disbelief.
"Rosalie, I have an exam table up there. And appropriate lighting."
"No way," she said in an angry, cutting voice. "I know what you set that room up for, Carlisle. I was here. I know what you and Edward plan to do in there. There is no way Bella is setting one foot inside that room. Not today."
I took a step toward Rosalie, as Carlisle placed a hand on my chest. I glanced at Bella, but she was just watching me. I was confused and frustrated that Bella would let Rosalie speak for her. She was usually so stubborn, this was exactly the kind of thing that would usually set her off. But she just watched, silent.
"This is ridiculous, Rosalie," Carlisle said, but I could already hear the assent in his voice. I wanted to do something, but I felt trapped, Bella's eyes fixed on me.
I stood, watching, as Carlisle did his exam with Bella lying on the couch. He pushed up her shirt carefully, exposing her stomach. Where it was flat only a few days ago, Bella's stomach was now raised out several inches. I was infuriated to see how the thing had already contorted her body under her soft skin. Carlisle's sure hands ran over her skin, feeling gently. So hard, so unyielding, he thought. What is it encased in? It would be difficult to remove. He glanced quickly at me. But not impossible, I think. Not yet.
How long did we have to convince Bella to change her mind, before it was too late?
Carlisle sighed, frustrated by his lack of information. He took out his tape measure and measured her stomach carefully. He told Bella he planned to try to measure her every few hours, to get an idea of the growth.
After the exam, Bella wanted to take a shower. I sat in the hallway, leaning against the wall while Rosalie prowled outside the bathroom door, where she had promised Bella she would stay. Rosalie acted like Carlisle or I were going to crawl through the bathroom vents to snatch Bella.
Edward. I searched my mind out. Jasper. I could see, through his eyes, where he was – in the woods, past the invisible line where vampire ears in the house could no longer hear. It was a place we all knew well. He wanted to talk to me, privately. His thoughts told me nothing else, except that he was unhappy about Bella. I glanced at the bathroom – Bella would not be done showering and dressing for at least 15 minutes.
I left the house silently, running through the woods. The path I was on seemed particularly concentrated with my family's scent, as if they had all passed this way numerous times. The realization came quickly, and the pain slammed into me, hard. This was the way to the house my family had been working on for Bella and I. I lost a step, then another, and then stumbled to a stop, bent over, clutching at a tree. The image of the little cottage had lingered, in a melancholy way, in my family's thoughts since we returned. I had pushed it aside before, but now it swelled up, inescapable, yet another symbol of all that might be lost. How had everything gone so horribly wrong, so fast?
"Edward." It was Jasper. "Are you OK?"
How could I be, I thought. I straightened up quickly. "It's nothing. What's up, Jasper."
He was standing across the small clearing from me, leaning against a tree, his arms folded over his chest. His expression was cool.
"So, what are you going to do, Edward?" he asked quietly. He was thinking about Bella.
"What do you mean, Jasper?" I muttered.
His hands fell to his sides, and he took a step forward. "Are you just giving up? Are you going to let that thing grow inside her? Are you just going to let her die?" The last words came out harshly.
I hissed, shocked by his intensity.
"Jesus Christ, Jasper. What the hell do you think? But what am I supposed to do? If I could even get Bella to change her mind, I can't get through Rosalie, not with Emmett and Esme backing her up."
Jasper's eyes narrowed slightly. "No one would stand in my way if it was Alice's life in danger," he said in a low voice. Jasper was certain what his course would be, if he stood in my shoes. He would do anything for Alice.
Jasper's inference made me angry. I would do anything for Bella, too. Nothing meant more. But couldn't he grasp how complicated the situation was?
"I am not giving up," I snarled in a fierce voice. "I will save her. There has to be a way."
Jasper strode across the clearing, putting his hands on my shoulders. His eyes blazed, dark golden brown rings surrounding a center of black.
"We can do this right now, Edward." His voice was low, persuasive. "We can go back and grab her, it would be easy. I bet we could slip in and out. And then we can figure things out from there. Don't let Rosalie stand between you and Bella, it's not right."
We stared at each other. I could feel him funneling his rash excitement into me. I wavered. There was something so recklessly liberating about the idea of getting Bella alone, getting her away from Rosalie, and the interfering eyes of my family.
Suddenly, the sounds of a fast approach. An angry whisper. "Stay where you are."
Alice. She flew into the clearing and separated us with her small hands. I felt the excitement drain out of me.
"Stop," she said. Her mind flashed with the different visions she had seen – Jasper alone, lurking through the house, Jasper and I together, scaling the walls. A blurry flash of Bella, crying in the woods. My heart ached painfully.
"Bella wouldn't want that, Jasper," I whispered. Plus it would terrify her. I had been prepared to do it, yesterday. But I hesitated now. I didn't know what the right path was anymore. "I can't."
Jasper's face was hard, but after a moment, he nodded. I just want to help, Edward, whatever way you want. I just hope we can do something, before it gets too bad.
"I won't let her die," I growled, more to myself than him. I turned and took off into the forest, flying through the trees, flying back to her. As I approached the house I could see Bella standing outside, scanning the trees with her eyes. Looking for me. I jumped the river too fast for her eyes to see, and then walked more slowly up towards her.
Her smile was radiant. "Edward," she breathed. I felt the overpowering sense of relief I always did, seeing her again with my eyes after any sort of separation. I put my hand against her neck, pulse beating beneath my skin, and leaned over to trail my lips across the exquisite velvet of her cheek, pausing at her lips.
"I'm sorry I left," I murmured, and then pressed my lips, briefly, to hers. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she said. Those words were always a miracle to me.
I took her hand and we walked to the water's edge. Rosalie trailed behind, forever suspicious. Perhaps rightfully so this time. But how could Bella and I really talk with her here? The silence felt heavy between us. I thought about her silence during the exam. She didn't want to argue with Carlisle. But I knew, instinctively, that she also did not want to hurt me. She was always this way, avoiding the words she should say for fear they would pain me.
Standing next to her now, feeling her warmth, her scent, her hand in mine, my words to Jasper felt hollow. I had no idea what I was going to do. Stay with me, Bella. Don't go. Don't ever leave me. Save yourself for me. But I had already said those words, and they weren't enough. I tried to think, to form the perfect words that would change her mind, this time.
Bella stopped then, as if sensing my anguish, and turned to me, placing a hand on my face. "It's going to be OK, Edward," she said in a soft voice. No, it's not! My mind screamed.
"Oh," Bella suddenly exclaimed. I watched her expression in alarm. But she looked down at her stomach, a smile on her face. She moved her hand towards her stomach, automatically pulling mine with hers, and pressed it against the slight bulge. Then, I felt it move inside her.
My reaction was instantaneous, unthinking. I ripped my hand out of hers, jerking it swiftly away from her body, as a low hiss escaped my lips. And then I froze, horrified by my grossly insensitive actions.
Bella lifted her face slowly up to mine. The shock and hurt painted across her expression took my breath away. I took an involuntary step backwards under the weight of it. Her empty hand flexed slightly, still lying across her stomach.
"I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered. Her liquid eyes held mine as the pain, slowly, began to drain out of her features, replaced by exhaustion.
Over her shoulder, Rosalie glared at me. Some father, she thought.
I flinched at her thoughts.
"I'm tired," Bella said. "I want to go inside." She started towards the house, her arms wrapped around herself. Rosalie put her arm around her shoulders.
I watched her as she walked across the yard, each step taking her farther away from me, creating a chasm between us filled with unsaid words, pain and doubt.
As she disappeared in the house, I hurried after. I couldn't bear for her to go.
Bella laid down on the couch, staring off for a while, as I stood against the wall, watching her. Eventually her eyes gently closed, resting, but not quite asleep. So exhausted. I walked slowly over to her. I looked down at her, eyes closed, peaceful. Her face was so young, too young. My throat felt tight, as an ache grew in my chest. I knew I shouldn't touch her, shouldn't risk waking her, but I allowed my hand to stroke her soft hair, one time. Her eyes opened, clear and deep, and held mine, as she reached out and took my hand. She was my whole world.
Upstairs, Emmett and Carlisle were doing research online, looking first into the Ticuna Indian stories of the Libishomen. Information was scarce, but they had found one legend about a village visited by a demon that had left several women dead, their torsos mangled, their bodies drained of blood. The women were referred to as "The Mothers".
As I looked into Bella's eyes and listened to the tales of death upstairs, one thought revolved in my mind. What am I going to do? I remembered when we had first met, how hard I had tried to stay away, to save Bella from the danger I posed. Your number was up the first time I met you, I had told her. And, it seemed, then and now, Fate would not be undone. I had fought back death when it came at her, time and time again, but, even though I tried, I had failed to protect her from the greatest danger – myself. Because, ultimately, Bella had never wanted to be saved from me. Now, again, my presence in her life had pushed her onto the precipice of death.
How was I going to save her? When, once again, she didn't want to be saved.