Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
One More Try: Chapter Four
ELIZA'S POV
Four weeks later…
God, I look a mess. I have done for the past month or so, but I'm really feeling it today. I've just had a moment in my office and now I'm trying to pull myself together. I called Becky a little while ago but she's avoiding me. She has been since Arizona came by a few weeks ago and she was there. I don't know what's going on with her, but I'm trying to be her friend. If she has stuff going on, I want to be there for her. She's been awesome when I've needed her so I should return the favor. She doesn't even answer my calls anymore and I'm beginning to think it's something I've done. I don't know what since I can't think of anywhere that I went wrong but I have no other explanation for it. I have no explanation for anything my life has become lately. I mean, one minute I'm the happiest woman in the world because I'm looking at my kids, and the next…I'm an emotional wreck because I'm alone. I'm alone because I treated Arizona like complete shit and she doesn't even contact me anymore. She shows up at home to spend the evening with the kids and then she leaves. She doesn't even say goodbye to me anymore. I know I had all kinds of ideas in my head but I said some hurtful things to her a few weeks ago and she threatened me with her lawyer.
When she comes by, she doesn't look at me. She doesn't hold a conversation with me if the kids aren't in the room. She simply sits quietly and waits until it's time for Dillon to go down for the night. Once our daughter is sleeping, she slips on her jacket and she walks out of the door. Literally. Every night. The distance between us couldn't be any bigger than it is right now but the damage is done. I told her I needed space from her and she has given me that. She has given me it and then some. I can't complain, though. I mean, I asked for this. I asked for us to separate. I know she didn't want her mistake to result in any of this but I couldn't be around her. I couldn't sit with her and pretend everything was okay when it wasn't. What good would that have been to either of us?
I've spent the past three weeks thinking. Thinking hard, actually. I know she kissed another woman and I still believe that maybe there was more to it, but are we really damaged beyond repair? If Arizona is being honest and it was nothing more than a kiss…I feel like I have to fix this. I have to try, at least. I'm scared, though. I'm scared because I brought this ending on all by myself. For weeks…she asked me to talk to her. For weeks…she tried to apologize and explain herself. I just wouldn't give her anything. I was so mad at her for what she had done that I just saw red and silence was the only way I knew how to deal with things. Usually, I'd have run, but we are past that now. I'm past all of that. I'm supposed to face my problems head-on.
I haven't been doing that, though. I haven't faced anything at all and the more I sit here in my office, the more I want to go and see my wife. She hasn't handed over any papers yet, but I know it's going to happen sooner or later. I still wear my ring, but hers is sitting on our dresser at home. I hated seeing her remove it but I guess she had every right to. I told her to leave so why would she live a lie with a wedding ring on her finger? I haven't done anything lately to show her that we could one day be okay, so no…I don't have any right to judge her decision to not wear it. My cell buzzing on the desk beside me, I'm surprised to find Arizona's name flashing on my screen. I can't remember the last time I received a message from her, but it feels good. Seeing her name in my life feels weirdly good.
Can you keep Dillon up a little later tonight?
Deciding against messaging her back, I grip my cell and stand. If she is okay with texting me, I will head to her office and speak to her face to face instead. Honestly, I didn't want to approach her for fear of something nasty coming out of her beautiful mouth but I guess I should try. I miss seeing her around campus. It was always my favorite version of her. The skirt. The heels. How her hair always fell so perfectly around her strong shoulders. I'm still incredibly attracted to her and I know I always will be. I know that no matter how mad I was at her, she will always be the one woman I think about every night before I fall asleep. Whether it is good or bad thoughts, she is on my mind regardless.
Rounding the corner, her office comes into view and my stomach flips. I've been thinking about asking her to stay for dinner one evening but I don't know if that is too much for her. I can see how hard it is for her to even be in our home, so dinner may be totally out of the question. Dinner may tip her over the edge and I don't want to see her upset anymore. Catching sight of a familiar face, I quicken my pace and fall into step with my friend. "Hey…" Gripping Becky's wrist, she turns to face me, a slight smile on her mouth. "I've been calling you."
"Sorry, I've been busy." She clears her throat. "Everything okay?"
"Well, no." I furrow my brow. "Did I do something wrong?"
"What? No." She shakes her head. "Just…I did." She sighs.
"O…kay?" I study her face, hoping she may elaborate.
"How is Arizona?" She asks. "You guys working things out?"
"N-No." I drop my gaze. "Things are bad."
"I'm so sorry." Becky's voice breaks. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen, Eliza."
"Why are you apologizing?" I laugh. "You were being a friend and I appreciate that. Even if it ended in tears for me, I'm still thankful that you were honest with me."
"Y-Yeah." She clears her throat. "Just…I didn't expect you guys separating to be the outcome."
"Why wouldn't we separate?" I fall into step with her, my body moving closer to my wife's office. "I don't know about you, but your wife sleeping with another woman tends to have that effect on most people."
"I didn't say she slept with her." She stops me. "I didn't say that, Eliza."
"You didn't need to." I give her a sad smile. "I kinda knew where the conversation was going…"
"N-No." She holds up her hands. "I didn't tell you that Arizona had slept with anyone."
"Well, whatever." I shrug. "I know what happened."
"Except I don't think you do." She disagrees. "They kissed, yeah…" My friend reminds me of my wife's downfall. "That doesn't mean they slept together."
"You said they were in the bathroom together."
"Well, yeah." She admits. "But that doesn't mean anything…"
"Wait, are you saying that nothing happened?" I raise an eyebrow. "Are you saying that I've got this totally wrong?"
"No, I'm saying that I never told you she slept with Debra." Becky backs up a little. "I'm saying…you shouldn't overreact too much because you don't know what happened in there…"
"But the touching and the dancing…" I feel like I'm having an out of body experience right now. I feel like I'm not sure when I will next take a breath.
"It happened with all of us." She shrugs. "Me included. I just…I guess I got a little carried away with my animation of the evening because I knew how much you hated Debra. It wasn't my intention to cause this, though." She drops her gaze. "Shit!"
"I-I have to go." I furrow my brow. "Uh, thanks." Rushing off down the corridor, I come to a stop outside Arizona's office and my heart pounds hard in my chest. I don't want to do anything or say anything too rash, but I have a terrible feeling that I've got this all completely wrong. Fuck! Knocking loudly, my wife calls for me to come in and I turn the handle, the door opening slightly. "H-Hi." I breathe out.
"Everything okay?" She asks, her eyes focusing back on the stack of papers in front of her once she realizes it's me.
"Yeah, um…you texted me." I move inside.
"And that requires a meeting in my office?" She glances up at me, her tired eyes covered by her glasses. "You could have just hit reply and said yes or no…"
"Right, yeah." I furrow my brow. "Sorry…"
"So, can you keep her up a little later this evening?" She asks as she sits back in her seat. "I want to be there for bath time."
"Yeah, no problem." I nod. "Something planned?"
"Checking out an apartment." She shrugs as she returns to her work. "I can't meet them until six and that's Dillon's bath time. I won't be long if that would be okay?"
"Of course." My heart sinking a little at the idea of Arizona finding a place to live, I'm beginning to truly realize just how messed up we are. "Did you want to stay for dinner?"
"Oh, no thanks." She powers up her computer. "I'll just do my usual routine and let you be."
"S-Sure." Stepping back and out into the corridor, I feel the sudden urge to cry. "I'll see you tonight then."
"Yeah, fine." She doesn't look up from her screen. "Bye."
Closing her door, I lean back against the wall and give myself a moment to breathe. I know we are a mess. We both do. I just didn't expect to feel this way. Becky has just totally hit me square in the face with her words and now I don't know which way is up. I don't know why I'm doing this. Becky is right. I don't know what happened in that bathroom. Arizona is the woman I love and I've totally allowed my fears to get the better of me and she is close to divorcing me. She's close to ending all of this with me. We are separated and we no longer communicate. Suddenly, this all feels like my fault. Shit.
Taking the stairs slowly, my wife's voice pulls me closer to the bathroom and her laugh causes a small smile to settle on my face. I know we aren't anything anymore, but every night when she comes by, I listen to her time with Dillon. I listen to her laughing and her happiness and for just five minutes, it feels like everything is okay between us. For just five minutes, I feel like we aren't separated. This day has been hard for me and not only because of Becky and her admission. I should have known that anything could have been the truth but I chose to see the worst possible outcome and I need to apologize to Arizona for that. She won't accept my apology and I guess I deserve that but I still feel like I need to say something to her. Anything for her to know that I'm sorry. She hasn't spoken to me since she arrived here a little over thirty minutes ago, but I know she wants to do her thing and then leave. She made that clear earlier when she shot down my offer of dinner. I don't even know why I asked her to stay. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I still believed that she had slept with Debra. I guess in my heart I always wondered if I was overreacting, but now I know I have. Sure, I'm still mad that she kissed her, but if I hadn't behaved how I did…this could have been fixed a while ago. If I hadn't behaved like a bitch, Arizona would still be in our home and we would be building that trust between us again.
I allowed my anger to get the better of me so much that I told myself I didn't love her anymore. I told myself that I couldn't possibly love a woman who had hurt me. The truth is, I've never stopped loving her. How could I? She is the mother of my children. She is the very definition of everything I've ever wanted in my life and she has given me the greatest gift in the world. God, I've messed this up between us and I don't think we will ever work things out. Just a few weeks ago, she would have jumped at the opportunity to hear me out. Now, though? Now…she won't look at me. She won't speak to me. She just…she's here in our home, but she's not. Her body may be here, but her mind…her love? It's gone. I feel like we are complete strangers when we are together. I feel like everything has been torn from us and set alight.
Leaning against the frame of the door, I watch my wife's interaction with Dillon and it only makes me realize what I've done even more so than before. Arizona isn't a woman who ruins families. She isn't a woman who would ever jeopardize what we have for the sake of a little fun. She is Arizona Robbins. The woman who was blasted across the street but spent her days telling me everything was going to be okay. The woman who held me when I was at my lowest. The woman who took me back twice. Hell, she even sat at home waiting for me to return for two years. Dillon…she was conceived with me in mind. I wasn't even here but Arizona thought about me every step of the way. I've royally fucked this up. Sensing a shift in her behavior, she straightens herself out a little better and clears her throat. She knows I'm here and I suspect she is a little surprised. I don't usually interrupt her time with the kids, but tonight I have. I don't know why and I don't know where we go from here, but I want her in my life. I want a life with her again…if she will ever give me the time of day.
"Right, little miss…" My wife climbs to her feet. "You ready to hit the hay?"
"No." Dillon folds her arms over her chest and pouts. "Not wanna."
"Uh, attitude much?" My wife steps back a little and glances at me. "Has she been playing up?"
"A little," I admit. "Nothing to worry about, though…"
"Sure it's not." She gives me an incredulous look. "Our daughter is acting out but it's nothing to worry about? Kinda like us divorcing is nothing to worry about, huh?" That word punching me in the stomach, I swallow hard and remain silent. I don't have any words for that. I don't even know how to begin to discuss the fact that my wife has just expressed her wishes to become my ex. "Right, out you get." Arizona wraps our daughter up in a towel and brushes past me, carrying Dillon into her bedroom. "You know, momma needs you to behave, okay?"
Our daughter takes the lead from me and also remains silent. "So, y-you have the papers?" I ask, trying to keep my voice low and calm. "I wasn't sure what was happening with that…"
"Yeah, I've got them." She focuses on Dillon. "I've brought them with me…"
"O-Oh." My eyes close and I brush a tear from my jawline. "Uh, okay."
"I'm just giving you what you want, Eliza." She sighs. "And I don't want to discuss this right now…"
"Sure, yeah." I back up and out of Dillon's bedroom. "I'll leave you to spend some time with the kids."
"You're too kind." She replies, sarcasm laced in her voice.
Deciding not to make a comment, I slowly head down the hallway and take the stairs. I know we aren't in a good place, but I didn't expect her to actually bring divorce papers by. I at least hoped we would have a conversation about it all first. You're the one who wouldn't hold a conversation with her, asshole. God, I feel awful. Truly awful. We have both made mistakes but I'm beginning to realize that my mistake is way bigger than Arizona's. I've realized it and I don't even know how to begin fixing it. She's here to divorce me. Wow. The thought of that alone is too much to even think about right now. My stomach is turning and I'm planning on throwing up any second now. Braced against the kitchen counter, my eyes close and my breathing feels a little erratic. This is all too much to even comprehend. Arizona is ready to leave our life together and this is all my fault. She may have kissed someone…but this is so much bigger than that now. Kinda like I'm beginning to even forget why we split. You know she didn't sleep with her, Eliza. You know her. Breathing through the intense heartache I'm experiencing, my wife reaches the kitchen and pulls her blazer over her shoulders. Heading for her bag, she pulls out a manila envelope and sets it down on the counter in front of me.
"I'll just leave this with you." Her voice void of anything and everything, I glance up at her. "And I've signed, okay?"
"Y-You've signed…" I repeat her words.
"Yeah." She nods, her gaze dropping. "I don't want you to be stuck in a marriage with me, Eliza. You don't love me and that's okay. The girls are the most important thing so rather than fight with you and try to apologize again, I'm calling it quits. I've signed and I'm getting out of your way."
"Arizona…" My entire body is trembling as I watch her head for the door.
"You won't get any problems from me, okay?" She glances back. "This place is yours now…it's our girls home and I want them to have it. Dillon is growing up here and Nevaeh will do the same. I don't need it." She shakes her head. "Give me a call when you've read through everything. I think it's pretty straightforward." The front door opening, my wife disappears from our home and I grip the envelope tight in my hands. I'm shaking and I can't do this. I can't even bring myself to open the envelope and I'm not sure I'll ever have the courage to do it. I'm not sure I'll ever have the courage for anything else again. Setting it back down on the counter, I back away from it and drop down on the couch. My head in my hands, the tears fall hard and fast.
My marriage is over and it's all my own fault…
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.