CHAPTER THREE: Reunions
Giles knocked on Buffy's door at ten o'clock the day after Willow's suicide, and the Slayer hugged her Watcher like the end of the world would happen any second. They both knew it wouldn't though – the end of the world already seemed to have happened. It was a very quiet Buffy who left for work that afternoon. Dawn, having nothing to do at all, instantly got Giles' permission to look through all the books he'd brought with him. When Buffy came home that early that evening from the Doublemeat Palace (she'd been "mercifully allowed" some time off), Dawn was in the living room surrounded by books that she'd taken the liberty of snatching from the trunk of Giles' car. The Watcher himself had his forehead resting on the kitchen table.
"And you can't be this diligent about your homework because?" Buffy asked as she watched her sister puzzle over the many texts.
"Tara wanted me to do this," Dawn replied without looking up from what she was reading. Giles did look up however, and he and Buffy shot each other quizzical glances.
"You want to run that by me again?"
Dawn looked up at her sister. "Last night I was dreaming of watching Willow kill herself when Tara showed up and talked to me. She told me that Willow hadn't made it to heaven because she'd committed suicide, and she wants me to do some reading to see what part of Hell Willow is in and then do a speaking spell with her so they can talk."
"Honey, that's why they call it a dream – it isn't real."
"Actually," Giles said, frowning and resting his chin in one hand. "That's entirely possible." When both Dawn and Buffy looked at him he explained, "It's possible for someone who resides in heaven to make contact with someone on Earth through a dream or a vision, if the Powers That Be are on his or her side. Seeing as Tara never performed any black magic and was so pure of spirit, I can see how the Powers might allow her to contact you."
"But why Dawn?" Buffy asked incredulously.
"Tara said it was because I have residual magic left over from when I was the key," Dawn said, ignoring her sister's disbelief. "Oh, and by the way, she said to tell you that heaven is just as wonderful as you described and that she's sorry she pulled you out of it." Dawn said the last bit with a twinge of sympathy in her voice. Buffy was silent for a long time. When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet.
"When you see her again, please tell her I forgive her."
Dawn nodded, then got back to work. After a moment, Buffy plunked onto the floor beside her and picked up a book. "So you're trying to figure out where Willow is in Hell and how to get her out?"
"Yup," Dawn replied as she traced some lines on a page with her finger.
"I'm in." The Slayer opened the book and began to pore over the text.
…
It was an hour before either of the girls found anything (Giles was still sitting remorsefully at the kitchen table), and it was Dawn who found it first. "Here!" she cried, pointing at a map she'd found in a book describing every aspect of Hell ever recorded. Giles hauled himself from his chair and Buffy moved closer to see what the girl had discovered. On the page was a 1980 map of the Hell described in Dante's The Inferno. "Willow's somewhere between Limbo and Circle Nine, which is treachery."
"It looks like an upside-down stack of pancakes with hair on the bottom," the Slayer remarked. Dawn rolled her eyes and looked back at the map.
"Right there," she finally said, pointing at a spot one-third of the way down the map. "Level two of Circle Seven, which is for violence. Level two is for 'violence against themselves,' which includes suicides." She reached into her pocket and whipped out a highlighter.
"Don't even think about it," Giles said as menacingly as his kind nature allowed him to.
"Here," Buffy offered. "I'll go take it to the library and copy it."
"I should probably start looking up how speaking spells work," Dawn said as she shoved one pile of books aside and pulled another toward her.
"And I'll just go back to thinking useless thoughts," Giles finished wearily, moving back to the table.
Buffy walked out the door just in time to hold it open for Xander, who held in his hands a box of donuts and four steaming cups from the Espresso Pump. Buffy let Xander know where she was going and said she'd have her coffee when she got back. Xander had gotten Dawn hot chocolate, of course. "Research party?" Xander asked. Dawn filled him in on what Tara had said. When she was finished, Xander sat on the couch in stunned silence. "I think I'll just eat a donut," he finally said.
Dawn could understand this. It was probably a big hit to Xander, learning that his best friend had landed herself in Hell. The look on his face and his utter depression was enough to spur Dawn into extreme research mode. Taking the initiative, Giles finally sat on the floor to join her.
Buffy returned soon with the copy of the map for Dawn, and then joined Giles and her sister in their spell search. Xander still sat slumped on the couch, having taken maybe half a sip of his rapidly cooling coffee. He finally opened the donut box and took out a cruller and a donut. He sighed, remembering one of the "singing days" the Scoobies had spent together. Trying to cheer himself up, he pulled the same joke. "'Respect the cruller. And tame the donut.'"
"That's still funny, sweetie," came a familiar voice from the doorway, finishing the long-ago set of dialogue. The four Scoobies whipped their heads up in shock. In the door stood a very nervous looking Anya, wringing her hands to the point that she looked like she was trying to unscrew them at the wrists. No one had heard her come in – they were too engrossed in what they were doing. After a moment of stunned silence and dropped jaws, Buffy clumsily hauled herself up from the floor.
"I just remembered, I think I have an old book of Willow's up in my room that could help." As she bolted for the stairs, Giles quickly stood up.
"Maybe I should help you look for it," he said unconvincingly as he followed.
"Or it could be in my room!" Dawn added, also scrambling to her feet.
Dawn, Buffy, and Giles raced up the stairs like lightning, and Xander and Anya could hear one of the doors slam as the two ex-lovers were left alone. After a long, tense moment, Xander finally stood up, sticking his hands casually in his pockets and trying to put on a nonchalant expression. "Hi, Anya," he said, not quite able to keep the nervousness from his voice.
"Hey, Xander," Anya replied, biting her lip. After another dead silence, Anya finally spoke again, still wringing her hands. "I…I heard about Willow," she said carefully. Xander flinched but said nothing as Anya slowly walked towards him. "I just…wanted to come and…and say how sorry I am…that it happened."
This time Xander raised his eyebrows. "You care?"
It was Anya's turn to flinch. "Willow was a really good person, and more importantly, my friend. Of course I care." Her eyes were beginning to tear up.
"I see. If you care so much about her, and possibly all of us, why is it you went back to being a vengeance demon, huh?"
"Xander, I wanted to hurt you at the time,"
"Congratulations, you did. And it still hurts, trust me." Xander ran his hands through his hair, trying not to shake from anger. "You think that watching you have sex with Spike will leave my mind so fast?" Anya stood stunned as Xander sighed and stuck his hands back in his pockets. "Look…part of me understands why you did it. You hurt as much as I did – maybe even more. But I didn't go out and boink the first moving thing I saw – you did."
"Xander," Anya protested, trying to unscrew her hands again. "I was drunk, I – "
Xander spread his hands. "Hey, I got drunk all the time after you left."
"Oh, I'm the one who left now?" Anya asked angrily.
"Fine, after the two of us left each other. But I stayed faithful, hoping that you would come back."
"Xander, please," Anya's eyes were starting to water. "I wanted to hurt you, yes, but I didn't…I didn't realize how much pain I could cause without even needing my demon powers. I was going for physical pain…I never, ever wanted to make you hurt like that. I thought if you felt enough pain you might regret leaving me – I mean, us having left each other."
"That was your master plan? To torture me until I gave in?!"
"No! Xander, I…" Giving up, Anya turned to face the living room, not wanting Xander to see her cry. Xander put his hands back in his pockets yet again as he sighed angrily, turning towards the dining room. After a long, long pause, he heard his ex-fiancée say softly, "I gave up my powers."
Xander snapped around. "What?"
"I asked D'Hoffryn to take my powers away, and he did. Now that…now that I know how much it hurts to leave someone you love, and how much more it hurts yourself to actually hurt that other person, I decided I never want to hurt anyone again."
"And what, that's supposed to redeem you in my eyes?"
"I don't know what it's supposed to do. What I'm supposed to do. I just know that hurting you made me feel so horrible. It's like a sort of plague, only on the inside," the ex-demon said, struggling for the right explanation. She finally turned to face Xander, and he could see that her face was streaked with tears. "God, Xander, you can't even imagine how sorry I am. I still can't believe I did what I did, and I was so stupid – "
"You got that right," Xander interrupted snappishly, though he was actually trying to hide his own regret. Despite what Anya had done, he could see now that she really did love him – really did care about him. Cared so much that she'd given up her power to cause pain to anyone ever again.
At Xander's harsh retort, Anya muffled a sob behind her hands. "Please, Xander…oh God, I'm so sorry. I know apologizing won't do much, because of that whole 'actions speak louder than words' human philosophy, but could you please, please, please give me another chance?" she pleaded.
The silence between them was so thick that it was nearly visible. When Xander finally spoke, his words were soft and quiet. "Only if you'll give me one." Anya's hands dropped away from her face as she looked at Xander in shock. He took a few steps toward her. "Buffy was right," he continued. "Love really does make you 'do the wacky.' And if you give me a chance, Of course I'll give you one. Let's just…let's just try again, maybe? Start things over?"
"And keep the marriage out of the question?" Anya asked with a sniff, smiling slightly. Xander smiled back.
"Yeah. That would be good." And so the two finally embraced each other, Anya crying into Xander's shoulder as he held her tight, rubbing her back as she whispered "I'm sorry" over and over again. Behind them, Dawn, Giles, and Buffy all watched from the top of the stairs.
"Think it's safe to go back now?" Buffy asked.
"Let's give 'em a minute," said Dawn. "I think they need a little quality hug time." And so the three of them quietly moved back from the stairwell, leaving Anya and Xander to share time in peace.
…
Willow sat huddled in a ball in the dank room she had landed in when she was swept into Hell. She'd looked out the doorframe once, but the site of scattered bones and a crumbling, dead city all in hues of gray sent her shuddering back inside. She whimpered as one of the hairy spiders crept down her shoulder and crawled over her knee. She shut her eyes tight and tried not to cry. Oh Tara, she thought. I fucked this all up.
…
Giles stayed at Buffy's house that night, and Anya (surprisingly enough) stayed with Xander at his (once their) apartment. While Buffy and Giles had a long talk in the kitchen, Dawn sat in her room preparing the spell. She had drawn a large white pentagram in the center of her floor with sand, placing a candle at each point. She had made the oil she needed and drew a crescent moon on her forehead (positioned so it looked like a bowl) and one on the back of each hand so that the curves turned inward when she held her hands out palm down. After carefully lighting each candle, Dawn sat down and faced the topmost point of the pentagram (so as not to do black magic) and picked up the items she needed. In her right hand (the side which would connect to heaven) she held one of Tara's old bracelets while in her left (the side which would connect to Hell) she held a small statuette Willow used to have on her nightstand. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and spoke the words of the ritual.
"Freely to the Powers That Be
I offer my blood as your essence
Freely to the Powers That Be
I offer my body as your conductor
Freely to the Powers That Be
I offer my soul as your sacrifice
Accept all I give
And grant me the power to bring two spirits
Into one realm."
Dawn held her right arm straight out to the side. "Tara!" she cried. A golden thread of light circled the bracelet and shot down to Dawn's shoulder. She held her left arm straight out to the other side so her sitting body formed a sort of cross. "Willow!" Another golden thread enveloped the statuette and shot down to Dawn's other shoulder. Slowly the two lights wrapped around Dawn's entire chest until they finally traveled up her neck and slid into her mind.
…
Dawn found herself sitting in the same darkened room where she had first met Tara in her dream. The bright cords still wrapped around her, but on her left she was holding Tara as if on a leash, the end of the rope wrapped around the blonde's waist. Tara smiled. "You did it, Dawn." Dawn then looked to her left and saw that she was holding Willow on a similar leash. The redhead looked shocked and confused as she looked at her surroundings.
"Willow!" Dawn cried out, overjoyed to see her friend. Willow looked up and jumped in surprise.
"Dawn…how?"
"It's a speaking spell, sweetie," Tara said, looking longingly at her love. "It's the only way we can talk to each other."
Willow turned, and the instant she saw Tara she began to sob. "Tara? Baby?" She held out her arms in vain to try and embrace her. Tara smiled sadly, a tear running down her own cheek.
"Yes, Willow, it's me. Oh, darling, why did you do it? Why did you kill yourself?"
"I had to find you," Willow explained, still crying. "I had to be with you. Remember I promised you? I said I would always find you."
"And I would have waited as long as I needed to for you to find me," Tara said.
"But I was in so much pain," Willow replied, crying harder. "I…I couldn't wait. I had to be with you. I can't live without you, Tara! But why aren't we together? Oh baby, why are we still apart?"
Tara's tears were too beginning to grow steadier. "Willow…suicides don't go to heaven. Suicides always go to Hell. Had you died naturally, the Powers That Be would have brought us together. Because you killed yourself, they had no control, and you were forced into Hell."
"Where…where in Hell?" Willow asked, her eyes widening in utter terror. Hell? She had landed herself in Hell?
"You're in level two of Circle Seven," Dawn piped up. "It's the level for 'violent against themselves,' and suicide falls in that category."
Tara winced at the high number. "Dawn, do you know how far Willow would have to go to get out?"
Dawn thought for a moment, trying to recall the map. "Well, Limbo is Circle One, and above that is Neutrals, and above that Ante-Hell. But something called Acheron is in between Neutrals and Limbo."
"Acheron is one of the rivers of Hell, and the ferryman Charon takes souls across it," Tara explained, beginning to remember things she'd learned before. "Neutrals is the first level of suffering, but it's the place where the people who were neither good nor evil – 'the opportunists' – are put. I don't know how far I can go beyond the Gates of Hell, if I can even get through them at all, but I know that I can't cross Acheron. As far as I know, souls in heaven can't get into the Circles." Tara turned to Dawn. "I'm going to need you to do more research. I'm going to need to know what Willow has to get past in order to get to Acheron, cross, and then get to the Gates. There are also two other rivers she's going to have to cross. I can't remember the name of one, but the other is The Styx."
"The Styx?" Willow asked fearfully. "As in The Styx from Homer's The Odyssey?"
Tara nodded, then continued. "I'm also going to need to know how far I can get into Hell and whether or not it's possible for me to make it to the edge of Acheron. I hate to put so much on you, Dawn, but I really do need your help."
"Hey, I want Willow out of Hell as much as you do," Dawn replied. She was starting to sweat, and she could feel her energy slowly being drained. "I'll do everything and anything you want me too."
Willow smiled, though she was still crying out of fear and longing. "Thanks, Dawnie. You really are an angel."
Dawn smiled at her. "Hey, I may be really pissed at you for leaving us, but I want you to be at peace with Tara for all eternity."
"God, I'm so sorry I left you and the others, Dawn," Willow said, her smile disappearing. "But I had to do it."
Dawn nodded. "I know," she said softly, understanding completely.
"Willow…" Tara said, causing the redhead to turn to her. "The truth is…I felt like I was still dying over and over again, waiting for you. I…I almost wished once that you would die so we could be together. It was so selfish of me…" She cried a little harder.
"Oh baby," Willow said, reaching out to Tara again, filled with desire. "I wished so much that I would die too, and I finally took matters into my own hands. I can see now though that it was kinda stupid," she added with a small, sad, smile.
Tara choked out a sad half-laugh-half-sob of her own. "Maybe just a little." She gazed into her lover's eyes; wishing she could cross the distance between them and embrace Willow, kiss her over and over again… "We'll be together. We will. We'll figure out a way to get you out of Hell and into my arms. I'm not giving up, Willow. You will be free of that place. I promise. And if I have to go down there just to be with you, I will."
"You wouldn't like it," Willow said humorlessly. "There are spiders and rats. I wouldn't wish them on you."
"Oh darling!" Tara cried, truly sobbing now. "Oh God, I can't stand to think of you being there! You will be in heaven with me! You have to be!"
"Tara, I'm running out of energy!" Dawn said suddenly. It was true – sweat was trickling steadily down her forehead and her breathing was labored.
"We can't let Dawn wear herself out," Tara said regretfully, biting her lip. She turned to the young girl still holding tightly to their bonds. "We owe you so much, sweetie. And we love you. If you ever wish to speak to me, just cast the speaking spell with the alternate incantation. You won't be able to reach Willow singly though because she's…" Tara swallowed. "Because she's in Hell. Any time you want to talk to me, ok?" Dawn just nodded, not quite able to say anything else.
Willow nodded, also regretful and extremely reluctant to leave. "I love you, Tara," she said meaningfully. "I love you so much."
"Oh, Willow. I love you too. And remember, always remember, I'm yours. Forever yours."
The two lovers reached out to each other one last time before the connection snapped and Dawn reeled back into reality. She fell backwards as all the candles extinguished themselves simultaneously. The pentagram was gone, and only wisps of smoke in a star-like pattern gave evidence that it ever existed. Dawn lay panting on the rug for a long time before her breathing regulated. "Oh yeah," she said aloud. "I've got a lotta work to do."