Chapter 4: The Girl with the World on her Shoulders
Five days.
Five days since Korra learned of the child supposedly taking residence inside of her.
Four days since she told the father of the child. Four days since the father rejected her and the child. Four days of trying to come to terms with everything, but succeeding in nothing close to acceptance. None of it felt real; a nightmare if anything, and she expected to wake up, but she didn't. Every day she was jolted awake in the mornings by the urge to vomit, but sleep wouldn't easily come back to her. Two weeks of being as sick as a dog, but no cure, because it wasn't an actual illness.
Tenzin wasn't informed of the details of her doctor visit. Instead she lied and told him it was a long-term bug that could easily last up to a month. So now her teacher wouldn't allow her to train. Her only outlet had been bending, but now even that was taken away from her. Meditation was the only thing she was allowed to participate in. Instead of meditating the way she should have been, she would sit and fret over her predicament and make herself physically ill…or maybe it was just the morning sickness talking.
However, she did try to work things out in her head. But there was so much to sort through that she often got overwhelmed. For the last few days she had been thinking about Mako. Korra thought that she could just quit thinking about him once she told him and he denied the child. After all, she was supposed to feel less stress by getting her confession off of her chest, right? So she should feel relieved. But she came to find out that she wasn't relieved at all. Instead, the reality of his reaction weighed heavily on her heart.
Why did his opinion matter so much, anyway? Korra had thought that his reaction wouldn't have had such a lasting effect on her. He wanted to help out with this baby situation? That was fine. He didn't want to have anything to do with it? That was fine, too. Or at least, she had thought it would go down that easy. Instead, the scene replayed itself over and over again in her head, and his words echoed through the empty corridors of her mind.
Maybe what hurt her the most was she thought he had been her friend. Mako was such a good person who put others before himself and took great care of his brother and friends. But maybe he wasn't her friend to begin with. She could recall a lot of bonding moments they had shared, but they must have meant absolutely nothing to him if he was able to close her out so easily.
Four days since she had talked to him. He made no attempt to reestablish contact with her.
This made her heart fall limp in the confines of her ribcage.
He had her pegged as a whore; sleeping with just any guy she wanted. She wasn't sure what hurt more: him thinking she was easy, or just flat out disregarding his child. Korra figured that the pain was about equal and decided to just let both of them chain down her weakened psyche.
Still, she was determined to solve these problems. If Mako wasn't going to help her, then she would do it by herself! For Agni's sake, she was the Avatar! If she could handle the world on her own, then she could surely handle something as simple as a child by herself!
Even so, she couldn't help but feel pain in the hole Mako had burnt in her heart.
Korra had zoned out the world around her one evening and sat quietly on the steps of the temple. She had finished meditating for the day and didn't feel like returning inside to deal with all of the people she shared the home with. The warmth of the summer air brought her a little bit of ease, actually. The humidity was a refreshing reminder that she could still feel the world around her; the moisture in the air sticking to her skin- or what little skin she had showing. The waterbender was still self-conscious and made an effort to cover her torso with her parka. Tenzin had raised a brow at her one day when she chose to wear something so warm on a hot day. She had lied and said she was cold- a side effect of the bug she had.
Her mind had ventured off to Mako again. As much as she hated him for acting the way he did, she missed her firebending friend. Whether he was her friend or not, she missed what they had- he was always the one who kept her cool in heated situations and was her voice of reason when hers went on an unexpected vacation. They would pal around and joke with each other, and they could talk for hours. It would be a lie if she said she didn't like him. She liked him a lot. But he was with his dream girl and she wouldn't stand in the way of his happiness.
"Ohhhh Korrrraaaa!"
Korra's eyes widened and she looked up. She was surprised, and maybe even just a little glad, to see Bolin sauntering up the steps to meet her at the platform. The earthbender had a bag in his fisted hand and his trusty fire ferret on his shoulder. He had his usual broad smile on his face, but as he got closer she could have sworn she saw something else in his features.
"Oh, hey Bolin." She smiled weakly. Bolin was a welcome distraction, but at the same time he only reminded her that his brother was one of the things on her mind.
"I bought some dumplings," Bolin said, as he held up the bag in his hand, "and I realized 'Oh, I bought too many'. So I thought, 'Hey, why not stop by and see if Korra wants any!'"
"Since when is buying too much food a problem for you?" She smirked. "You eat, like, all the time."
Bolin held his chin and squinted, thinking over her words. "Hm. This is true," He murmured. "But I figured you and your bundle of joy could use the extra food."
Korra's heart sank and her eyes went downcast. "Oh…" She wrapped her arms around herself again. "You…know about that?" She hadn't really expected anyone else to know.
"Yeah," Bolin sighed, but smiled. "Mako told me everything." He took a seat next to her and fished a dumpling out of the bag.
"Guess I should have figured as much," Korra mumbled to herself.
"I wasn't supposed to know, was I?"
"Well, it's not really that." She shrugged, her eyebrows pinched in concern. She hadn't thought about Mako telling Bolin, but she should have assumed he would. The brothers hardly ever kept secrets from each other. And if Mako was mad, or bothered by the news she had given him earlier in the week, then of course he would blast off his steam to Bolin. She just wondered what the firebender had told his earthbending brother. "What did he tell you?" She looked over at her friend as he polished off a dumpling and went in for another kill.
"That you were pregnant and that he had just found out that day," Bolin stated simply. He thought about telling her more, but he didn't want to display his brother's feelings of remorse; that was Mako's job, not his. And as much as he wanted to reassure Korra and tell her everything Mako had told him, he kept his mouth shut. His brother's trust meant enough to him that he would keep his lips sealed.
"Yeah." Of course that would be all he said. He didn't want his little brother or anyone else to see him as a jerk. "I guess that's the gist of it." She wasn't in the mood to challenge any of it; for now she would just roll with it.
"So are you okay?" Bolin asked, his smile turning into a frown of concern. "We haven't seen you around for a few days, and you look pretty down." He tore off a small piece of his treat and gave some to Pabu.
"I didn't really think I was wanted around…you know, after spilling the beans." If that was Mako's way of wanting Korra around, then she needed to reevaluate her social skills.
"No, we'd love to have you…" Bolin stopped and looked down, his face taking on a sad appearance. "Mako hasn't really been around much lately, anyway." He shrugged. "He's been working and just…out on the town I guess."
Korra's thoughts couldn't help but bitterly turn to her rich best friend. No doubt Mako was trying to ink out Korra's existence by hanging out with Asami. She hadn't seen her in the last few days either, but she chalked it up to being that Asami thought Korra was still sick and needed her rest. "He's probably just with Asami or something."
"Actually," Bolin looked at her with sympathy, "I don't think he's been seeing her much lately."
It also made sense to Korra if Mako didn't want to see Asami because he felt bad for sleeping with another girl. For this, she felt bad.
"But you know, just because you're…you know…doesn't mean we don't want you around anymore!" the earthbender chirped. He was trying his darndest to keep the conversation light and airy, but it seemed like the more they talked, the heavier and stuffy it got.
"Judging by the way he acted, I don't think Mako wants to see me any time soon- if at all." Korra slouched, the full force of her previous grief coming back to haunt her.
"No, he's…" Bolin stopped and tried to find the right words. He didn't want Korra to feel even more put out by his brother's neglect. "He's just really confused right now."
"Yeah well, so am I," Korra grumbled and gently lay down on her side on the stone steps. She kept her arms circled around her torso and hugged herself tighter.
"I know," Bolin said solemnly. His brother had made it really hard for him to defend him. "He's trying to get stuff sorted out, but in the meantime," Bolin smiled broadly at the waterbender, his grin reaching his ears, "you can come talk to good ol' Bolin!"
Korra lifted her head to look over her body and look Bolin in the eye. She offered him a weak smile before laying her head back onto the cold stone. "Thanks, Bolin."
It truthfully did mean a lot to her, but she couldn't see herself talking to Bolin about any of this. The earthbender was Mako's brother after all. Mako would be sure to hear anything Korra said through Bolin, because everyone knew Bolin wasn't very good at keeping things to himself. Korra didn't want to dump all of this complicated jazz on Bolin, anyway; she could barely deal with it as it was, no need to confuse someone else with it.
He'd go talk to her tonight. His mind was made up. Even if she was still really angry or hurt by what he had said, he still needed to make amends and say what he needed to say. He'd avoided Korra for an entire week, not that it was hard to not see her. She hadn't been around and he had been everywhere and anywhere except for Air Temple Island and Asami's. But every night, he would stare out as the island while he tried to recover from the long days of work and practice, and try to organize his thoughts.
Mako was beginning to accept the facts. Korra was pregnant with their child, a child neither one of them was prepared for. How they would come to be prepared he didn't yet know, but he knew he would figure this out once he talked to Korra. These were the basic facts.
The more complicated facts were his current girlfriend and how his future was going to pan out from there. He had gone behind Asami's back, unintentionally, but he still slept with another girl and that alone was a hard blow to stand. To have a baby thrown into the mix only made things even more complicated. But Mako knew he didn't really have any excuses. After he talked to Korra, he would tell Asami and take whatever she had to say- he deserved every word of it. If she was willing to try and repair their relationship then he was all for it, but if she didn't then, she didn't.
These decisions weren't difficult to reach; they were simple and blunt. However the tornado of emotional shock had left him frazzled and at a complete loss before he had reached the calm of the storm. But from what Bolin had told him, Korra had yet to reach peace with what was going on. It nearly broke him to hear it.
She had been in utter turmoil and he hadn't done anything to help her; he only made things worse and even worse still. But he didn't want to continue doing damage by going to her with scattered thoughts and possibly upset her more. The firebender was used to having things under control, so naturally he wanted to be in control of his emotions and thoughts before jumping into a situation. But he also knew that with Korra there was no such thing as control; whatever he had to defend his new wall around him, it was sure to be broken down by Korra. It was rather strange how she was the only person in the world who was able to do that. Oh how he hated it so.
Either way, he would go to visit her after his work shift. Mako knew that whatever Korra had to say or throw at him was going to smash his wall. But sometimes he wondered if he was purposefully building weak walls, just so she could knock them down and reach him.
Korra usually loved the evening time. After a long day of training, she would sit down with her favorite airbending family and eat dinner with them, listening and contributing to the idle chatter which circled around the wooden table. But lately she hadn't been talking much and she barely paid attention to the words floating around her. Tenzin had asked if she was okay, but Korra had assured him it was just because she still wasn't feeling well, which wasn't a total lie.
Her favorite time of the day was usually the quiet immediately after dinner. The children would run their separate ways; sometimes they would go outside and play, or the girls would go play with dolls, and Meelo would ruin the little worlds his sisters build around the plastic characters. Tenzin would usually go back to his office and finish up any business he had left and Pema would clean the dishes and play with Rohan. Korra would normally either relax or continue to train until it was dark, but nowadays she sat around and stared into space. It was concerning to everyone in the house, all except for maybe Pema, who was very aware of the predicament at hand.
On one particular evening, exactly a week since Korra had told Mako she was expecting, Tenzin and Korra were sitting at the table. Pema was right in the other room within ear shot, cleaning the dishes.
The usual warm atmosphere Korra felt around Tenzin was gone, and filled with suffocating ice and anxiety. She was his pupil and he was her teacher, but she knew something he didn't know and it was going to break the foundation they had built. Perhaps it wouldn't irrevocably shatter it, but it was going to leave a crack in the sturdy floor which they stood.
She tightened her fists and stared down at the wooden table with hard eyes. There would be no perfect time to tell her mentor about her predicament. She didn't have to worry about Mako anymore- she was on her own from this point forward. There was no point in putting off telling her teacher and taking the next step...whatever that was. Once she told him, then she could get a little bit more stress off of her already burdened shoulders.
Despite this slight motivation, Korra still tried to make up rationalizations to wait. Maybe she should talk to Pema again, or maybe even try to wait for Mako to come to his senses. But she would bitterly slash herself for thinking such things. Mako had a life to live, and wasn't at all interested in a life involving her and a child; she couldn't blame him. Still, the anxiety and fear always ate away at her whenever she wasn't busy. She hadn't been sleeping well since she had discovered she was with child. Every night she stressed about the possibilities and every night she threw up multiple times; she wasn't even sure if it was because of the baby or because of stress anymore.
Korra glanced over at the airbender who was currently reading the newspaper; he often had to in order to see what kinds of lies the press was feeding the city. To address the city and to reason with the council, Tenzin had to know the people's fears and concerns. Even if he already knew what was at stake, he always tried to look at things through the people's perspective. Korra admired this about her tutor. It only made her stomach sink further when she thought about how much he already had on his plate. He had a crumbling city, a family of four children and a wife, he had to put up with a distorted council, and he, like Korra, was also trying to bring an Equalist madman to justice. To add more to the list, he was the last airbender –or at least of legal age- and that alone brought on a whole different set of responsibilities. Including training the Avatar.
But what kind of airbending training could she do if she was knocked up and trying to raise a kid? Tenzin would probably send her back to the South Pole. He didn't need to put up with an unwed, pregnant teenager.
The thought of the South Pole made her heart crash through her ribs. Oh Agni, her parents! She had completely forgotten about them. They would be so disappointed; a magnitude equal to that of Tenzin's, she was sure. Her parents let her go off to Republic City so she could learn airbending and follow her path as the Avatar, but instead she was going to come crawling back home because she let alcohol and lust get the better of her. It would be the most embarrassing thing to happen to her, but she knew her parents would still love her and be supportive. They would probably even come to love having a grandchild, but she wondered if her loving parents could ever look at her the same way ever again.
Korra felt her shoulders grow heavy. The more she thought, the worse things seemed to get. The worse things seemed to get, the more she anxious she got. And the more anxious she got, the more impatient she became.
There would be no perfect time to tell her teacher. And no matter where or when, he would still love respect for her and she would still feel awful about everything. The best time to tell him would be when the kids weren't around and when everything was quiet.
A time like now.
She kept her eyes locked on the table top and wrung her hands, trying to squeeze out any courage and calm she could use. She sighed with a shaky breath; her stomach flipping like a trapeze artist. "I'm pregnant."
Korra cringed when she heard the dishes in the kitchen sink clatter. Pema obviously wasn't expecting this, at least not right now. Tenzin lowered his newspaper, stealing a look at the kitchen door and then at Korra. His brows were raised and his grey eyes were alert, but his calm was still there. "What did you say?"
What was it with men not being able to hear her the first time? She looked up at Tenzin through her eyelashes and then back at the table. "I said I'm pregnant."
Tenzin's eyes were wide and a building tension coiled beneath the blanket of silence. Korra didn't even feel nervous anymore. Now she just waited for the tirade of piss-fire that was sure to be Tenzin's wrath. His anger wasn't what scared her, though.
"W-wh…how did…when…" He seemed absolutely bewildered as he looked around the room and moved his hands around; she had tried that already, the answer wasn't in the decorations or the air. But maybe he could find it, since he could bend it.
She didn't feel like explaining- it wouldn't matter. Whatever information she gave him wouldn't serve as a buffer; Tenzin would say what he felt like saying.
"How did this happen!" he demanded hastily.
Well if she was already in deep mud anyways, she might as well keep some of her humor. It had grown rusty in the past few weeks. Korra rested her face in her hand and cocked a brow at her mentor.
Oh that did it.
"What were you thinking?" The familiar wrinkle between Tenzin's eyebrows made its appearance and a flush was creeping up from the back of his head.
"Obviously I wasn't," she mumbled. Alcohol made people do crazy things outside of their reasoning, but she wouldn't tell him that.
"Obviously not!" Tenzin barked. He slapped a hand on the table and brought the other one up as if he were trying to think. "Korra, I can't believe you've gone out and done something so foolish!" His eyes flitted wildly around the room; his mind was spinning, trying to process all he wanted to say. "I expected better from you!"
"Yeah, well, so did the rest of the world." She was beginning to feel the collie gator of disappointment biting at her heels.
"Do you even realize what kind of situation you have put yourself in? We're in the middle of a full-out war with the Equalists, and the people need their Avatar to be ready at a moment's notice."
Not like she hadn't already thought this through.
"And your airbending training!" The pink hue on Tenzin's head was steadily climbing to a red color. "You came here to master your airbending; you can't do that if you're expecting a child!"
The airbender was preaching the choir of her mind.
"And the child! This child won't get the attention and love it needs!"
That stung. She had at least tried to believe that maybe she could give the child love. But apparently Tenzin didn't see her capable. She felt like a dog getting beaten over the head with a stick. Korra hated that feeling; the feeling of being defenseless.
"And with the tension building with Amon and the city, the child could be put at danger!"
Korra had thought she would take all of his scolding with dignity. Her plan had been to stay quiet and take everything he had to throw at her. But the more her airbending teacher spoke, the more she found it difficult to reign in her growing anger. The waterbender looked out of the corner of her eyes to find Pema at the kitchen doorway. She was standing still, like she was afraid to add salt to the already fizzing snail frog. Korra did notice how the nonbender would open her mouth to speak, but then Tenzin would unintentionally cut her off.
Tenzin tripped over his onslaught of chiding, only to come up with another question. "Who in the world is the father?"
"Mako," Korra answered dully. It wasn't like that question was important anymore.
"What?" Tenzin's pink face seemed to pale for a split second.
Korra reevaluated the way she held herself in front of others. Maybe she really did come off as a floozy- because the shock both Mako and Tenzin expressed seemed to tell her so.
"I can't believe this," Tenzin growled to himself.
"Neither could he," Korra hushed under her breath. Luckily Tenzin was too caught up in himself to hear her.
"I knew I should have never allowed you off of the island." He glared down at the table. "It proved to be nothing but a distraction, and now look what's happened!" He looked directly into Korra's eyes and it unnerved her.
"Tenzin," Pema tried to call out to her husband.
"Not now, Pema," Tenzin answered. "You completely disregarded your title as Avatar and went and…" Tenzin's face reddened with what could have been anger or a blush. "And now this!" He held out both of his hands towards Korra.
Another jab hit her and her anger grew slightly. It wasn't like she purposefully threw down her Avatar duties just to sleep with Mako. Her sorry demeanor was beginning to ebb away and reveal a much more upset side of her psyche.
"I'm very disappointed in you," Tenzin glowered.
Korra felt her heart hit the soles of her feet and shatter. His disappointment would always hurt her more than any of his temper tantrums.
"You have effectively forfeited your position in this war and have abandoned your duty as Avatar by flagrantly…" He paused again. "Well, you know what you did!"
"Tenzin," Pema tried again, but Tenzin brushed her off.
"I can assure you this, Avatar Aang and the preceding Avatars would have never let such as thing-"
That was it.
Korra slammed her fists on the table and stood up from her mat on the floor. Her reserved behavior was now gone. She felt like she had taken more than enough damage control from her mentor. She was so riled, she started yelling. "Look, I know I'm a giant screw up and the worse Avatar in the entire history of Avatars and I'd probably be the worst mom ever, too! I'll never live up to Avatar Aang and according to you I'll never be able to love a child! So just shut up and quit telling me stuff I already know!"
She turned on her heels so quickly that she could feel the heat from the friction through her boot. As she headed out the door, she could hear Tenzin yelling for her to come back, but her anger was creating a barrier between her and the words which echoed behind her.
Once she got to the peace and quiet of her room, she could feel her blind rage slowly dissipate. The red she had been seeing had faded to the soft blue aura of her dark room and soon she could feel the loneliness set in around her. Loneliness brought company, which was never a good thing. It brought its good friend, the World, and once again perched it on her shoulders. Her chest felt heavy with each heaving breath she took and her furrowed brow pulled apart.
Telling Tenzin was supposed to get rid of some of the problem; lift some of the burden off of her shoulders. But instead she felt a new dread weigh her down. When was the world going to stop spinning? When was this going to become graspable and easy to comprehend? Disappointment smacked her across the face and the rage returned; burning inefficiency directed towards herself. She blindly lashed out and smashed a vase on a table onto the floor. The noise echoed in her small room; she was reminded just how alone she really was. The noise halted and the only evidence that it had ever existed were the broken pieces on the floor.
The noise echoed in her mind and her rage once again dissipated.
She was alone. No one was there.
No Tenzin. No Mako. No one.
And at that moment, even though she knew Pema and Bolin would have her back, she had never felt such emptiness inside and outside of her being. She was alone; alone with a baby, alone with the world. Korra placed her fists against the wall, slowly bringing her forehead to rest against them.
She wanted to forget everything. But she couldn't.
The world on her shoulders wouldn't allow her to.
The walk up the island steps was always long and tiring for the young firebender. It wouldn't have worn him out so much if he hadn't just gotten off of a twelve-hour work shift, but at least he had put food on the table. Bolin had definitely been pleased when Mako brought home his favorite meal and reported his plans for the rest of the day. He had told Bolin he was going to go to Air Temple Island and talk to Korra. Whether or not the outcome was a good one, Bolin was glad his older brother had finally come to his senses.
Mako wasn't exactly sure how he was going to go about talking to Korra. He had it planned out so far as showing up at her doorstep. He had tried to scope out any possible adverse reactions she might have against him- and he knew he deserved it. But he really needed to say what was on his mind and how sorry he was about everything. So even if Korra was breathing fire and screeching like a ring-tailed lemur, he would deal with it.
She had to know he didn't mean what he had said to her a week ago. And she had to know what had been going through his mind from then up until now. And he wanted –needed- to know she was okay. Maybe once all of this was out of the way, then they could truly begin to figure out this whole 'parenthood' fiasco they had gotten themselves into.
As Mako reached the top of the steps he saw the airbending children slouching at the porch of the front entrance. They were all frowning and staring down at the stoned pathway with concern.
"Hey, is everything okay?" Mako asked.
All three of the children looked up and smiled with relief. All of them got up and rushed over to greet the young firebender. "Mako, we're so glad you're here!" Jinora sighed.
"Um, me too." He smiled nervously. He supposed he was glad to be there, although he wished the circumstances were more jovial. "So, what's going on?"
"Daddy and Korra got into a fight," Ikki said quickly with a frown.
"What?" Mako's first thought immediately flew to the baby, but he secretly prayed to the spirits that maybe the airbending master and the Avatar had fought over something training related.
"They were yelling," Meelo pouted.
"Do you know what they were fighting about?" He honestly hoped the children didn't know anything about any of this.
"No," Jinora frowned. "We just heard dad yelling and then we heard Korra yell before everything went quiet."
Mako had a bad feeling that they weren't arguing over some training routine.
"Do you know why they were fighting?" Ikki asked.
"No, but I have a pretty good idea," Mako mumbled to himself. "Where's Korra?" Agni, he was going to be the last person besides Tenzin that Korra wanted to see.
"Her room," Jinora informed.
"Thanks." Mako took off at a dead run towards the direction of the waterbender's room. He made a mental note to laugh at Meelo's "Hey, no boys allowed in girl's rooms!" comment later. For now he just prayed he could remember the way to Korra's room without getting lost and bumping into Tenzin on the way.
Mako cursed himself up and down. He couldn't believe how stupid they both were. He couldn't believe how stupid he was for accusing her of sleeping around and for putting her out; how stupid he was for making her wait so long for him to get back to her. He couldn't believe how stupid Korra was for not waiting for him to tell Tenzin together. She didn't need to take that kind of punishment by herself. But it was in Korra's nature to take a hit for others, and it was in her nature to be impatient. He would blame himself for this more than her; he made an impatient girl wait on something more important than just a date or a surprise. He made her wait on fear and confusion. But he couldn't take back what he had done, or what Korra had done. Right now all he could do was try and make things right.
He didn't even bother knocking on her door; Bolin would have scolded him for manners. He threw the door open, his eyes first landing on the broken vase on the floor. It was a rule of thumb that whenever something was broken after a dramatic conversation, that the conversation must have gone incredibly badly for whoever broke the vase. Mako's ochre eyes swept the floor and then landed on Korra's feet. They slid up her form. She was against the wall, her forehead resting on her fists in a defeated manner. She looked like a child who was trying to hide from a parent's punishment.
"Tenzin, I swear if you-" She whirled her head around to defend herself, but her ground was shaken when she saw the firebender at her doorway. Her angry face turned into one of shock. The last person she had expected to see was her probending teammate. She froze in her place, trying to let her mind catch up with what her eyes were seeing. Out of all the time in the world, he picked now to show up at the threshold of her room.
Korra tried to compose herself as Mako quietly slid the door shut behind him. "Oh, Mako…" Korra found herself brining her arms around her torso again. She put all of her weight on her right side and gazed down at the floor. "What are you doing here?" She hadn't expected to see him, at least not today- especially immediately after spilling the beans to Tenzin. Then again, Mako always had impeccable timing.
"Are you alright?" He skipped over her question.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine." She paused. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"The kids told me you and Tenzin were yelling at each other, there's a vase smashed on the floor, and you were facing the wall." The firebender was a little surprised that the waterbending beauty hadn't yelled at him and told him to scram; he had come up with a speech to counter that kind of behavior. He wasn't prepared to confront a vulnerable Korra.
"I'm fine." She wasn't.
"No, you're not." He knew it.
"Why are you here?" She was glad he could read her, but that didn't make it that much easier to deal with everything that was going on. Dancing around her feelings had worked so far, she could create an elaborate choreography if it meant avoiding tender topics.
Mako had almost forgotten why he had showed up in the first place. He wasn't used to having to come up with excuses to come and see her. Before everything had gotten complicated, he and his brother could swing by, just because they could. "I came to talk to you."
"…About what?" Korra shrugged. She knew, but she thought maybe if she doubted it, then she would be protected from the world.
Mako felt his stomach deflate. She had already erased him from the equation. He just hoped that maybe he could write himself back in with ink. "You know what." His gaze was pulled down to the ground, but he made it a priority to try and hold her eyes as much as possible.
"You already said what you needed to say." Her form went ridged. Protecting herself from whatever else he had to say was all she could do now.
Mako had seen a lot of sad things in his life. He had seen children starving on the streets, and people tearing each other down with their fists and hateful words. His little brother's eyes water when he realized Mom and Dad were never coming back. A guarded, defeated Korra was just another one to add to his list of heart wrenching memories.
He took a bold stride until he was inches away from her. Her eyes darted up from the floor, but didn't get to his face before he had pulled her to his form. Shock filled the Avatar, electricity shooting through her feet and up to her head, then leaving a warm feeling to put her body at ease. She relaxed a little; Mako wouldn't be doing this if he had something truly bad to say; or at least she hoped. But she kept her guard up. After what he had said before, there was no telling what kinds of words might come out of his mouth. She wouldn't let this break her.
His arms wrapped around her and her mind ventured back to the night that started this crazy thing. She could recall the warm feeling of his arms wrapped around her body, his hands leaving a trail of fire across her skin, like he was bending her to his will. The alcohol which wired their nerves and charged their systems fueled their hazy passions to inch further and further to the point of no return.
She wondered just how drunk they really were. Granted their…act was a bit sloppy, but it was still coordinated enough for her to feel the chills of pleasure run up her spine, even now. What's more, she could remember so much of it through her blurs of her alcohol-smudged memory reel. She brought her spinning movie reel to a stop. They had agreed to leave that night behind them, and even though there was a consequence, quite literally in between the two of them, they could still forget the night itself.
Korra slowly blinked, trying to numb herself. It was a different kind of pain; knowing she would never get to feel him in that way again, and the pain of knowing she had let down everyone around her. Each had their own acute pain which made her chest hurt. But she decided it was better to fret over the pain of the consequences rather than to revel in the pain which she was supposed to have abandoned after waking up in bed with Mako. When she opened her eyes again, she was back in the present, all of its heartache before her; the shuddering pain of two months ago locked away and gagged so that it may never speak.
Still, just because she was in the present, didn't mean she wanted to hear what he had to say to her. She figured maybe she could prolong it by pulling something else out from behind her back. But the only thing she could find was her recent spat with the airbender.
"Tenzin was so angry." Korra felt a whimper hitch in her throat, but she stopped it. She mentally slapped herself; she had picked an equally emotionally traumatizing event to speak about.
"I know," Mako said softly.
"I got chewed out big time…" Korra grumbled. She felt like dead weight against Mako; she was so tired.
"Korra, I'm so sorry," Mako rasped as he put his hand on the back of her head.
"It's alright," she mumbled and gripped the fabric of his jacket. She never realized just how good the rough material felt between her fingers. "I'm just glad you're here now."
And she was. It almost didn't matter to her what he had said- not at this point in time. The world was spinning so wildly and it felt like everyone around her was an angry, disappointed blur. To have someone, anyone, here with her meant more to her than anyone could imagine. But it meant slightly more to her that it was Mako out of all of them.
"No, it's not." Mako craned his head back to look at her, but she wouldn't look up at him. "I should have been here sooner."
He hated how she wouldn't look him in the eye. He felt like just words alone wouldn't fix the damage he had done- he knew that would take time. But maybe if she saw how much he meant it, then it would help. Mako gently grabbed Korra's chin and brought her gaze to his own. "I should have been here for you sooner. But I was only thinking of myself. I completely forgot about how you might be feeling."
Korra's eyes looked down; looking at him had never been so hard. His words were making her heart tremble and the tears she had been fighting come even closer to falling. She had already let Pema see her cry; she'd be damned if she let Mako see her too.
"And I'm sorry for what I said," he stated abruptly. "I knew I was the father." The firebender admitted with shame. "I just…I couldn't believe it." He paused, hoping –praying- he could see some form of undeserved understanding in her icy eyes, but he couldn't tell if it was there. "It's just…all of this feels so unreal." He was still having a difficult time coming to terms with the truth. Him, a street kid, had a hand in creating a life; he'd never quiet be able to grasp such an amazing concept. "So I'm sorry. You have every right to be mad at me and-"
The water was so close to breaking the dam; so dangerously, dangerously close. Mako just kept letting all of these words come fumbling out of his mouth and it was enough to pull at her heart strings. It wasn't just that, though- it was everything. Everyone in the world was counting on her; she had Equalists crawling around the city, causing all kinds of havoc for benders and peaceful nonbenders alike. She had a crazed Equalist leader who could take bending away with a movement of his hand. She still had to learn airbending in order to become a full-fledged Avatar, not that it mattered- everyone was already displeased with her and she was never going to be able to master it, anyway. Then she had the brothers, who had been depending on their waterbender to help them win this year's tournament. With all of these things she couldn't possibly apologize for, Mako was holding her, apologizing about one little thing he did wrong. Out of all the people in the world, she should be the one apologizing- even if Mako needed to say he was sorry for being a jerk.
All of this was dawning on her like a ton of bricks, crushing her and dragging her down into the ocean. A cold chill ran over her body and the trembling started. And then…
Well, she'd be damned.
Korra wrapped her arms around Mako and clutched his back. She buried her face into his chest, hoping to find security when the world offered her none. A sharp breathe of air hitched in her throat and her body tightened. The tears started falling when she felt Mako pull her closer and rest his face in her hair.
He was here. Someone was here, but more importantly, it was him.
She tried her best to restrict her sobs, but her trembling body was giving her away. She didn't try to stop the tears anymore; she hated for him to see her like this, but she wasn't going to hold it back now. Letting the warm liquid fall from her eyes felt good, like the world was being lifted from her shoulders. "I can't believe any of this is happening," she said through a blockade of tears. "Everything was fine two weeks ago…but now…"
"I know…" Mako uttered softly.
"I wish none of this ever happened," Korra said under her breath. "I can't keep this baby, Mako." Korra choked and shook her head slowly against the firebender's chest. A bitter sob escaped her throat and she buried her face in his scarf. The bitter heartache was hitting her; for once she couldn't do something. In the past she was always able to rise up and meet a challenge, but this…this was out of her league. She already had enough to deal with, but a baby? Even if she didn't have a lot going on, she still didn't think she could do it. She was young and not married; no place of her own and she was relying on so many people. People were supposed to rely on her, not the other way around. "I just have too much to deal with already and…" she trailed off, unable to list off her reasons and excuses.
Mako didn't know how to reply. In substitute for words, he rocked her gently side to side and held her tight. What was the appropriate thing to say to a girl who had the whole world on her shoulders? He felt like he could only say the things she had probably heard most. 'Things will be okay' was the first thing to come to mind. But he really didn't know if things would be okay, and Mako wasn't someone who enjoyed lying, although he had to on the streets as a child, and most recently within his relationship with Asami.
"What should I do?" she whispered and shook against him.
"I don't know," he mumbled, holding her even tighter. He had to make sure she knew that just because neither of them had the answers, it didn't mean that all hope was lost. Mako had a massive dislike to admitting fear; he liked to think he was someone his brother could look up to and rely on. He was the protector, the provider, the strong one... but he was scared right then. Even so, he would keep up his calm façade for the waterbender in his arms. "But we're gonna figure something out. I promise." Mako managed to get Korra to move to her bed. The waterbender laid down, already missing Mako's warmth.
It was a mess, and Korra was bad at cleaning up messes. She had always had someone else to do it for her. As if sleeping with Mako hadn't already left a giant mess in her wake, now a baby was thrown into the equation. It was like a messy room; she didn't know where to start and there was so much to sort through. It would be so much easier to just throw all of the stuff out and get rid of it.
Get rid of it…
The notion stung her frayed nerves. It was never a choice she thought she'd ever have to make. But it was the smartest choice, after all. She was in no position to take care of a helpless life, and neither was Mako. It just wasn't in the cards for them right now- nor should it ever be in the cards for them together. They could move on from each other and this messy room they had made.
"I can't keep it." Korra's voice was hollow. Mako ran his fingers across her forehead as he brushed loose strands out of her face. "I just can't." She swallowed another bout of emotion and tears. Korra closed her eyes and snuggled into her pillow. Comfort was an elusive being nowadays. Hopefully she would start to feel better now that she had cried all over the firebender at her bedside and was starting to come to a decision.
Mako just wanted her to calm down and rest. It was clear she hadn't slept much in the past week; she appeared thinner, not very rich in color, and the purple bags under her eyes were a dead giveaway. For the time being he was far more concerned about her health rather than the baby position they were in. But he could tell she wasn't going to calm down; she was still waiting for something. She was waiting for him to respond to what she had just said.
"I can't keep it."
He knew very well what she meant. He focused on her trembling form under the covers; she came first in his mind. The firebender leaned forward to get a little closer to Korra. "No matter what you decide," Mako whispered, "I'm here for you."
Korra latched her eyes onto his, barely registering the feeling of his hand on her arm. His ochre eyes were serious, but filled with so much concern for her. He was okay with it. There was now a quick solution to the problem in sight; they could continue on with their lives as if none of this nightmare had ever happened.
She swallowed, slowly closing her eyes in acceptance. Korra's body slowly stopped shaking, and even more slowly she began to slip into a heavy slumber.
Mako waited and watched as she fell asleep. He gently squeezed her hand and evaluated what had just happened. Korra was worn from an emotional war and her body had taken a toll. For now, sleep was her only medication; food and water would be prescribed later, but for now maybe she could rest with some peace of mind. The decision which had been reached had yet to sink in; he was just thanking the spirits that Korra found enough peace to sleep.
Once again I'd like to take a moment to apologize for the extra-long wait. Once again, our internet went out. This time it was because rats had chewed out our cables. We have fixed this problem and are going to do a complete over haul on our house.
This chapter was particularly hard to plan in terms of events. A lot happened in this part of the story and it was difficult to decide what would happen first or if some things would happen at all. Others may be wondering why things are going so fast; like how Mako has already come to his senses when he only just found out in the last chapter. I believe in not rushing the story; however there is no need to tip toe around the main events unless they could serve as a buffer for later chapters. So depending on what I have planned, you may or may not be waiting for resolutions for a long time.
I'm a cruel writer and I enjoy every minute of it.
Thanks again to Day-dreamer-101 for her awesome beta'ing skills. Thanks to Konekonekonaito (Turbonerdqueen)for the loving support and praise; you spoil me too much.