From Point A
Chapter 4
Despite his best efforts, Shinji did not feel comfortable with the fact that Kensuke was driving again. The accident, though hours behind them, was too fresh. It didn't help matters that Kensuke was reluctant to drive as well.
"You want me to do it now?" asked Kensuke.
Toji gave him a look and said, "I didn't bring you along to warm the car seats and you sure as hell ain't driving at night anymore."
"Alright," said Kensuke.
Despite the apprehension, after Kensuke took the wheel no world shattering disasters occurred. The road in front of them did not suddenly morph into a solid brick wall, and Toji's car didn't transform into a screaming metal death trap. Shinji had to calm down and remind himself of his surroundings. It was the middle of the afternoon. Though the storm still raged around them, the bridge was well lit and the traffic was light. Kensuke was rested, fed, and showered. The chances of them getting into another accident in such conditions were ridiculously small.
Thinking in this manner, Shinji managed to keep his balled up fists loose enough to prevent his nails from drawing blood.
Hikari was the only person having as hard of a time as Shinji. The car had never been the most relaxing environment for anyone, but no matter what position she shifted herself into she could not get comfortable. She found this strange as taking showers usually soothed her muscles and made her calm. But now her body was covered in aches and pains. Her neck was the worst offender. Whatever way she twisted it always resulted in mild pain.
"Are you alright?" Asuka asked her. It took some conscious effort on her part not to berate Shinji for jumping at the sound of her voice.
"Yeah," said Hikari. "Just a little… achy."
"Hey Aida," called Asuka, drawing the driver's attention. "Do you think you could tell someone where you're keeping the pharmacy that you brought on this trip, or will the break in concentration make you crash into something?"
Kensuke took a moment to decide whether he wanted to maintain his composure and ignore her, or be helpful to the group at the cost of dignifying that with an answer. Reluctantly he chose the latter choice.
"It's in the bag under Toji's legs," he said, with a sigh.
Toji pulled out the large bag that probably contained every over-the-counter drug known to man and wordlessly handed it to Asuka. The look he gave her was not as silent. It said, "Lay off him, will you?"
"Thanks Suzahara," said Asuka cheerfully. "And thanks for not killing us, Aida." She ignored Toji's not-so-quiet mumbling of the word 'Bitch' as an act of kindness.
Taking a few moments to ruffle through the bag, she pulled out a bottle of aspirin. She took off the cap for Hikari (an act which made her feel much like a toddler) and handed the bottle to her. Hikari popped two pills in her mouth and washed them down with warm ginger ale.
As they continued to travel, the painkillers did have some effect on Hikari, but not nearly as much as she would have liked. She kept stretching her neck periodically and shifting in position. Even Shinji took some time from being irrationally frightened to privately sympathize with her discomfort.
After noticing his sad 'if only I could help you' expression, Asuka had a suggestion.
"Why don't you give her a shoulder massage," she said.
Shinji, Hikari, and Toji looked at her with varying degrees of surprise on their faces.
"That's alright," said Hikari in a rush. "I don't want to be a bother."
The lack of concrete rejection was not lost on Asuka. "Don't worry about it," she said. "He doesn't mind."
"Ehh…"
"uhhh…" said Shinji. "I don't know if she's comfortable with…"
But Asuka actually grabbed his hands from his lap and placed them on her shoulder. Shinji almost pulled them back when he felt Hikari nearly jump in surprise.
"Just turn around Hikari," said Asuka. "You'll be surprised. He's pretty good at this."
Hikari reluctantly complied. She had no idea how Asuka was blinded to the awkwardness of the situation, but she figured at this point it would be even weirder to reject the offer.
With equal hesitance Shinji readied his hands on her shoulders. This whole situation was strange and surreal to him. Something about it naturally felt wrong. It might have been the fact that Asuka had complemented his skills that gave him the confidence to start the massage. But her words of praise felt just as out of place as everything else about the situation.
Shinji frowned deeply as he pressed his fingers into Hikari's tense shoulders. He noticed that her reactions were different from anytime he had massaged Asuka. Whereas Asuka would move under his touch and almost guide him to the next place to go, Hikari remained almost motionless. His only real indication that he was doing anything right or wrong was the slight lowering of Hikari's shoulders when he hit what he supposed was a 'good spot'. When his hands went to work at the base of her neck, she visibly tensed in pain and Shinji did not continue the massage until she assured him multiple times that she was okay.
When all was said and done Asuka asked, "Do you feel any better now?"
Hikari only nodded without meeting anyone's eyes. And though she did not rub her neck or shuffle around nearly as much, it was hard to tell if this was because she felt better, or if she just didn't want Asuka to suggest something even more embarrassing as treatment.
After singlehandedly confusing every occupant of the car with her strange (yet practical) suggestion, Asuka decided it was time for a little nap. She rested her head against the frame of the car door and closed her eyes as if nothing had ever happened.
Shinji was a little uncertain what to do with himself now that the awkward deed was done. Hikari would not look in his direction, so he decided it would be best not to look into hers either. It was easier to pretend that she was the shy one and he was just doing her a favor. When he met Toji's eyes briefly in the rearview mirror, he was surprised to see his friend instantly look away as if burned. So he decided that he'd also do Toji a favor and not look his way either.
This left only half the car available for regular viewing. Shinji spent no small amount of time looking at the back of Kensuke's head. When he finally grew tired of that fantastic view, he turned his attention back to Asuka and thought over the situation seriously.
There had been a need: Hikari's neck hurt. At Asuka's bidding he attempted to solve that need using his modest skills as a masseur. The fact that Asuka used him to solve a need was a normal thing. That was pretty much the reason why he was on this trip to begin with. It didn't bother him that she hadn't exactly asked. That was normal too. The odd thing about it was not that Asuka was using him to fulfill needs, but that she was using him to fulfill the needs of someone else.
And even though it didn't sound like a bad thing on paper, it didn't feel right. Like loaning out your toothbrush to a friend. There were some things that just shouldn't be shared.
Shinji was initially proud of himself for that analogy, but then felt kinda weird that he had demoted himself to the role of a toothbrush. It wasn't like it'd be the first time he was in Asuka's mouth, but when you threw Hikari into the equation… it just felt wrong.
The aftermath of third impact left Shinji and Asuka in a state of confusion. Certain things had happened to them and the world at large that changed life forever. They could no longer look at each other the same way. They could no longer look at their lives the same way. And it occurred to both of them, at different times but with equal levels of dis-ease, that neither of them had any idea what they wanted to do with their lives. They had no direction.
Misato was much too busy to face such a crisis herself. She had her hands full reconstructing NERV and attempting to ease the damage that they caused. A world full of problems did not disappear over-night. So Shinji and Asuka had little in the way of parental guidance when it came to plotting the course of their lives.
It was that longing for guidance that lead Shinji down the path of his parents. He considered the good that his mother and father did for the world as well as the bad. And in a moment of rare insight he considered the good that his parents might have done had they each altered their plans in life only a little. It occurred to him that the potential for good, coupled with the actual good accomplished, probably outweighed all the bad, even if their actual good deeds did not tip the scale on their own.
Despite realizing that he had no true concept of what his parents were capable of, or how he would go about developing his skills to the level either of them had achieved, Shinji roughly cleared his throat one night at the dinner table and meekly stated, "I think I want to be a biologist."
Asuka smirked at him in that way that always made him feel incredibly stupid and asked, "Do you even know what a biologist does?"
The color drained from Shinji's face.
"… they study… bodies and such…" he mumbled.
Misato failed to contain a snort. Asuka put a hand to her forehead and said, "You're going to need a lot of help."
It was decided. They would both study biology.
Asuka tried to conceal the fact that she had no true interest in biology. Her degree had been in physics, like her mother before her. And while the fields did have some level of overlap (as most fields of science do) Asuka had no particular drive to learn something new. That was the problem. Asuka had no particular drive at all. She wasn't even sure that she wanted to go back to school. The only thing she was certain of was that she wanted to live. So she decided to help Shinji achieve his seemingly random goal without question, under the guise of helping out a friend. Because if Shinji ever found out that she was so desperate to throw her life behind an achievable goal (any at all), she would have to kill him.
Another fear of Asuka's, though an admittedly milder one, was that when Shinji realized how much better than him she was at the pursuit he decided to make his life goal he would hate her so much that he'd barely be able to stand the sight of her. This fear was easily pushed to the side, because the moment Shinji had declared he was going to be a biologist, Asuka's path in life was set. Even if he had instantly abandoned the idea, she would have continued on. When all you have are straws to grasp at, you tended to hold on tightly.
Shinji would have been shocked to learn of Asuka's fears, as he was deeply grateful for her help. He realized instantly that she would be infinitely better than him at biology. And in his heart he knew that the greatest scientific service he would ever perform for mankind would be convincing Asuka to participate in the field.
They stopped briefly at a rest stop to stretch their legs and use the bathroom. Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari sat on a bench waiting for Toji and Asuka to come out of the nearby gas station. There was very little conversation between them. It seemed that Kensuke had finally ran out of bridge-related topics to talk about or more likely he'd learned to internalize his incessant chatter. Without him initiating things and with Hikari not really feeling up to it, there was little to talk about.
Shinji did note that Hikari was back to rubbing at her neck again. Seeing that returned his previous doubts in his skills. Clearly he did not have the magic hands everyone claimed he did if the fruits of his work could be reverted in such a short time period. He felt almost ashamed as he tried to pretend he wasn't watching Hikari twist her neck in various directions searching for relief. And when their eyes met by happenstance words slipped out of his mouth without thinking.
"Did you want me to…?" The words 'give you a massage' proved too embarrassing to say.
Hikari blushed and hesitated for a moment before asking, "Could you, please?"
She turned her back to Shinji in an awkward shuffle. Both of them were glad that they didn't have to see the other person's face. Shinji put his hands in position and went to work. He felt strangely proud and disturbed as Hikari let out a relieved sigh. The sound reminded him of the romantic scene from the movie he'd been watching with Asuka days before they left. That mental association did not help his feeling of unease.
What really made things awkward was the return of Toji. Though Hikari did not see it since she had her eyes closed, he gave Shinji an unmistakable 'what the hell man?' look. Shinji briefly stopped the massage. But when Hikari looked back at him questioningly he decided it would be easier to just continue than explain why he stopped. He did not want to broach that subject at all. When Asuka appeared shortly after, things got worse. She made an expression as if someone had just thrown cold water on her, and then abruptly her face went blank. She walked pass the two of them and went straight for the car without a word.
Shinji's hands stopped moving once again as he felt his blood run cold. "I think we should get going…" he said gravely.
He was much too distracted to notice Hikari's obvious disappointment.
When Shinji reached the car, he was surprised to find Asuka sitting in the middle seat with a small sick smile on her face. After everyone was seated, she lifted her arm slightly and Shinji couldn't stop himself from slightly flinching in expectation of some swift pain. But instead of delivering a blow, Asuka merely encircled her arm around his and snuggled it closely to her body. She leaned her head slightly on his shoulder. "It's cold in here," she said in explanation. "Turn up the heat, Suzahara."
Toji raised an eyebrow at that, but wordless moved his hand toward the dial. Shinji did his best to hide his complete and utter confusion. It wasn't like being close to Asuka was a new thing to him, but she'd never been so abrupt and never in public. She was openly leaning against him.
For a while there was silence. Everyone recognized the bazaar nature of the situation. Shinji could not stop himself from looking questioningly at Hikari, but she seemed intent on staring in a different direction. When Shinji looked back at Asuka she found her gaze intently locked on him, sickly smile firmly in place. He instantly looked away.
Asuka let out a small snort. What she found amusing no one knew. "Well you're good for something, at least," she said loud enough for all to hear. "It's nice to have a warm body around."
Toji opened his mouth to say something, but then realized he couldn't think of a way to turn that statement into something comically perverted. He felt it was a missed opportunity. Shinji for his part just blushed and looked away.
"You're such a girl," said Asuka moving one hand to his leg. She was referring to his blush, but only Shinji knew that. The lack of responses were making her statements seem strained. It was clear that she was only talking to Shinji at this point, but her voice was loud enough for everyone to clearly hear. Then abruptly she shifted focus and director her next words at Hikari. "He kisses like a girl too."
"Wha?" said Shinji.
Asuka ignored him and continued speaking to Hikari. "He comes in slow and delicate, almost as if he's afraid to touch. Doesn't that sound just like him, Hikari?"
The other girl made an uncomfortable noise in her throat.
"It's alright though," said Asuka turning her attention back to Shinji. "I think it's kinda cute."
"Hey, Ken," asked Toji, "Where's the vomit bags?"
"In the glove compartment," said Kensuke. "Pass me one too."
Asuka let out a pointed sigh. "Ah, jealousy knows no bounds."
"Hu, hu, huuuurRRRRRUUPPP!" said Toji.
Kensuke snickered a little, but his heart wasn't in it.
"We don't care what the little people think, do we Shinji?"
Shinji looked at her nervously and made a noise in his throat nearly identical to the one Hikari had made earlier.
"Do we Shinji?" Asuka repeated.
"…No."
The car grew quiet once more. Seemingly satisfied Asuka somewhat disentangled herself from Shinji. She kept their arms linked together and casually stroked his leg with her hand. Hikari stared at this momently in disbelief before closing her eyes and nodding to herself.
Later, Hikari asked Kensuke to pull over since she was feeling sick. She asked Asuka to come out of the car and help her. Asuka exited the car after giving Shinji's leg a solid squeeze (this gained him pointed "what the hell, Man?" looks from Toji and Kensuke once again). Hikari and Asuka conversed by the side of the roadside with their backs turned to the car. As they continued to talk, Shinji watched in astonishment as Asuka's head lowered further and further. When they returned to the car, Asuka entered from Shinji's side. The sour look on her face could kill a man.
"Get in the middle," she said and Shinji complied.
Asuka did not talk or make eye contact with anyone for thirty minutes. She sat in silence occasionally staring out the window, but mostly looking at the golden ring on her finger.
"You're my friend. I wouldn't have let him touch me if I knew you cared. If you want me to keep my distance from him all you had to do was say so. I didn't realize it would bother you. And I'm sorry."
There was light conversation between the travelers before nightfall. The charm of the bridge had officially worn off completely, even for Kensuke who could not take joy in its architectural beauty while driving (such was his determination). And so they reached the point in their journey where everyone was beginning to get a little tired of the whole thing.
Though Asuka eventually broke her self-imposed vow of silence, she did not converse nearly as much as she had previously. To the untrained eye, it would appear as if she was avoiding everyone in the car as much possible. Had a trained eye been present they would have come to the same conclusion. Toji spent most of the time talking to Kensuke about sports, which was always unsatisfying for him, as Kensuke didn't follow any franchises closely. Shinji tried to add input when he felt comfortable doing so, which wasn't very often. Hikari, feeling sick, bored, and out of the loop, drifted in and out of sleep.
Day passed into night with few interruptions. At around seven PM Toji prompted Kensuke to pull into a gas station to refuel and switch drivers. Kensuke and Shinji were equally relieved at this. However, everyone was surprised when Asuka asked to navigate. Toji wanted to reject, but could think of no good reason to do so. Instead he kept his peace as Asuka wordlessly transitioned into the front seat.
Initially Toji and Kensuke attempted to continue their aimless conversations, but they were a little forced. It just wasn't the same with Kensuke sitting in the back, as they couldn't make eye contact and it was harder to hear each other. Eventually this conversation petered out and Toji drove on silence. Asuka hadn't said a word to anyone since taking the front seat, save for asking Shinji to pass her a bag of pretzels.
Minutes turned to hours. Both Kensuke and Shinji fell asleep, with Shinji resting his head lightly on Kensuke's shoulder. With some maneuvering , Toji managed to take out his cell phone with one hand and take a picture of them for future blackmail. But his amusement with the situation was slightly stifled by the lack of anyone to share it with. He would never say so, but he was becoming increasingly unnerved by the silence of the girl in the passenger's seat.
That Asuka would volunteer to sit next to Toji in the middle of the night while everyone else was sound asleep, shocked and disturbed him. He knew as well as she did that the two of them had nothing in common and little to talk about. Not to mention the fact that they just plain didn't like each other. Naturally Toji doubted her motives.
But Asuka didn't do much of anything at first. She just sat quietly and stared out at the road. Toji observed that she had her arms crossed beneath her (supple) chest and was tapping the beat to the music on her arm. He forced himself to look away, because as hot as Asuka was, some things just weren't worth it. Not even in his imagination.
"Pig," Asuka said without looking toward him at all. "Keep your eyes off my breasts and on the road."
"Heh," said Toji. "Who would bother?"
He honestly didn't care that he'd been caught. It wasn't like he was staring at her. The silence that followed proved that Asuka wasn't too upset about the situation either. If she were truly mad she would have pressed the issue. She'd only spoken out of obligation.
After some time Asuka said, "I know it's kinda your thing, but could you quit being a complete jackass around Hikari?"
Toji's face scrunched up in indignation. "What are you on about now?"
"You know, I always knew you were dumb, but your obliviousness never fails to surprise me."
"Look if you've got something to say-"
"Back at the restaurant," said Asuka. "The thing with that waitress was disgusting."
"It's none of your business who I talk to," said Toji bluntly. If that was all this was about then she was just wasting her time.
"I don't care whose crotch you sniff at," said Asuka. "But maybe you could show Hikari an ounce of respect and not do that in front of her."
Toji was quiet for a while. "I didn't think she'd care…"
"That's surprising," said Asuka. "I can't believe you of all people forgot to think."
"Ah, shut up," said Toji. His heart wasn't in it.
"And stop it with all those complaints about being useful. She's self-conscious about not being able to drive and you acting like it's the only important thing on this trip isn't helping. For the life of me I can't figure out why, but she takes what you say seriously."
Again Toji was silent. It occurred to him that if Asuka hadn't brought this up he never would noticed. That bugged him for a lot of reasons, but it didn't make her words any less true. So he shook his head, grit his teeth and said what he knew he had to.
"Thanks for letting me know."
"You can repay me by not being such a dunce next time."
"Only if you stop being such a bitch."
Asuka pretended to think this over before roughly declaring, "No deal."
"Heh," said Toji with a smirk. That sounded about right. He wondered whether Asuka was as unmoved by being constantly called a bitch as she seemed to be, or if she was just pretending to not care in order to look tough. It was a sign of how much Toji generally disliked the girl that he was willing to continue calling her such, either way.
After that exchange Toji expected silence. He knew that they really didn't have very much to talk about with each other. But the topic Asuka brought up next concerned one of the few things in life that both of them cared about.
"What did you say to Shinji?"
"You know," said Toji, "If you keep starting conversations without telling me what you're talking about, I'm going to ban you from speaking in my car."
"You were talking to him outside after the accident. What did you say?"
Toji's initial thought was to tell her that it was none of her business. But the fact that she had bothered to ask about something like this stopped him. Even if she was being nosey, she was being nosey for a reason. Toji respected that.
"I told him he had the right idea getting upset and all, he just should have handled it better."
"That's it?" asked Asuka.
"Yeah. I was pretty pissed too when I figured out what happened. But he lost his cool and… he was pretty lame back there."
"So… wait… you told him to be cooler?"
"Yeah, so?"
Asuka shook her head. "I really over-estimated you," she said but she sounded almost relieved.
Toji wasn't quite sure what she was getting at really. He never could understand her and honestly he wasn't sure he wanted to. But he did want her to know one thing.
"It should have been you talking to him back then."
Asuka nodded once and turned to look out the window. "I know."
After five full hours of near silence Asuka decided that Toji had driven long enough.
"I'm tired of your face. Pull over and wake up Shinji."
Toji stared at her blankly and said, "This is why you have no friends."
As much as he wanted to ignore her demands out of spite, he was getting tired. He could have continued to drive if he wanted, but it was kind of a relief to let someone else take over. He pulled over on the side of the road and Asuka slid over the armrest to take his seat. When he went in the back seat to shake Shinji awake, Hikari spoke up first.
"I'll sit up front," she said drawing Toji's attention.
"Eh," said Toji, "You don't have ta if you're not feeling well."
Hikari slightly averted her gaze and said, "I'm fine."
This effectively ended the conversation.
Hikari would have been quite surprised to know that Asuka found the silence in the car unnerving. She did recognize that it was a little unusual for the two of them to go such a long time without talking to each other, but figured it had more to do with fatigue than anything else. In truth, she thought Asuka was nearly incapable of feeling uncomfortable in the sense that normal people did. So she attributed the silence to the nighttime atmosphere instead of the shame the other girl felt over her earlier actions. She had no idea that during this stretch of what she felt was tranquility, Asuka could only replay the brief conversation that they'd had by the road side over and over again in her head.
When Hikari did speak, Asuka made a conscious effort to hide her relief.
"Thank you for earlier," said Hikari. At Asuka's puzzled look she added, "I heard what you said to Toji."
The man in question was snoring lightly in the backseat.
Asuka shrugged. "Someone has to remind him that he's an idiot."
"Yeah," said Hikari with a hint of a smile. "You always were good at that."
Asuka smirked as well.
"If you don't rub his nose in it, he'll never learn. This way he'll be well trained when you decide to take him back."
Hikari's eyes widened in surprise at those words, and she could not suppress the urge to look toward the back of the car to see if anyone had overheard.
"They're all sleep," said Asuka. "I can tell by their breathing. And if anyone is pretending to be asleep and listening in on this conversation, they better say so now. Otherwise, I will wait until you have completely forgotten about this and without warning, I will kick you in the balls as hard as I possibly can."
After several seconds of silence Asuka turned to Hikari and said, "See?"
Hikari had nothing to say to that. She instantly recognized this as a situation where denial would be the same as agreeing. So she didn't speak at all and let the moment pass. She wondered why Asuka insisted on bringing that up when she had to know how much it hurt just thinking about it. And suddenly she found her thoughts turning toward the answer.
She looked at the ring on Asuka's finger and asked, "Are you and Shinji secretly engaged?"
Asuka's eyes widened in surprise. But when she turned to briefly face Hikari, she smiled.
"It wouldn't be a very good secret if I went around advertising it with my ring."
"Oh," said Hikari. "Then you're just dating?"
Asuka sighed theatrically. "Shinji and I… we have an understanding."
Hikari couldn't help but blush. "… friends with benefits?"
Hikari took her silence as confirmation. While she did feel that her friend was in such a scandalous situation, something else was bothering her.
"Why didn't you tell me?" asked Hikari.
"I practically spelled it out for you earlier today."
"No, why didn't you tell me before."
Asuka's frown deepened. She took a long breath before replying.
"Because we weren't friends back then."
"Oh," said Hikari. She felt her stomach twist into a knot and suddenly wished they were talking about anything else. Despite herself she couldn't help but ask, "Why?"
"Because you changed," said Asuka. "When you broke up with Toji you started acting like a different person. It wasn't that I didn't like you anymore. It was just… I can't deal with that: inconsistency. If I don't know what to expect from you, I would rather not deal with you at all."
Asuka refused to look at Hikari as she said this. She didn't want to see the look of hurt and betrayal on her face.
"So why did you invite me here?"
"Because I owe you. You helped me out when I was going through a hard time. So… it's not easy for me but… I want to be friends."
"Okay," said Hikari. She was looking at her hands in her lap. So Asuka hadn't asked her here for moral support. As if she was some long lost comfort that she required in her time of need. No… Asuka was doing her a favor by being her friend. Like it was some kind of chore. And even though Hikari knew that she should be mad about something like that, all she could feel was self-pity.
"You know," said Asuka drawing her attention from out of the blue. "I think Shinji really does want to marry me. And if he asks one day, I'll probably let him."
How kind of you, Hikari thought, but she felt bad about that. Asuka had probably never told this to anyone. It was clear that she was trying her best to be sincere. When she didn't respond Asuka continued to speak, as if compelled.
"This ring…" she said looking briefly at her left hand. "It's not even from Shinji. It was a birthday gift from my father. I only wear it on my ring finger because it's useful. It keeps boys from bothering me all the time. Although some guys still can't take the hint."
Asuka sighed again.
"I don't really like the thing. It's plain as far as jewelry goes. And I haven't had it long, so it's not like I'm overly attached to it. But I keep it because… it's useful…"
Hikari finally looked up from her lap. What she saw made her forget all about her own self-pity.
"Asuka… are you crying?"
"No," said Asuka chuckling. "Why would I be?"
"Okay," said Hikari.
Asuka's voice was even, and it was hard to see her face. But her eyes glittered brightly in the dark.
When Asuka grew tired of driving and tired of Hikari, she had to be much more polite than she was with Toji. She told Hikari that she was getting kind of tired and that they should wake Shinji up to drive. Hikari offered to continue to navigate while Shinji drove. Asuka declined the offer quickly stating that she'd rather not sit in the back with two Neanderthals who would probably try to look down her shirt when they thought she was sleeping.
It was understood by both that it was still a bit early for Asuka to let Hikari and Shinji sit side-by-side in the dark, unattended. Trust only went so far for her.
Shinji awoke hesitantly and it took him a minute to completely gain his composure. Perhaps because of his longing to still be asleep he did not say much to Hikari or Asuka as he settled into the driver's seat and began to drive. He took note as Asuka curled into a loose ball beside him and closed her eyes. And even though he was happy that she trusted his driving enough to rest, it would have been nice to have someone to keep him company.
Shinji resigned himself to being on his own that night and drove on in silence. He decided to change the radio station after a while. The instrumental Jazz station he found was a hidden gem amidst the usual pop, rock, and hip-hop mash-ups he was used to hearing in Tokyo-3. While he found most other stations tolerable, they always tended to play the same repetitive songs, and ever since he was a kid he'd always leaned toward listening to instrumental music.
Jazz wasn't normally his thing, but he liked the idea of improvisation quite a bit. The fact that what he was hearing wasn't just written out and planned beforehand, yet still sounded great, impressed him. It was almost as if the music was creating itself. Like it wanted to be played. The steady rhythmic tempo coupled with unpredictable shifting melodies excited Shinji in a way. But there was always something about it that kept him from loving it the way he did classical music. Maybe it was the unpredictability that really threw him off. Thinking that he knew what to expect, yet finding out time and time again that he was wrong. As exciting as that was, it was frustrating as well.
After a while, he turned the radio to a classical station, but his heart wasn't into the music. It was just something to distract himself. But it wasn't working very well. His thoughts kept drifting through the day and he could feel them digging at the back of his mind. He tried to fight it and pretend that everything was alright but it was a losing battle. He knew that he had to confront this directly or it would never go away.
So hesitantly he looked to his left and said, "Hey Asuka... I know you're not sleep."
Asuka snored when she slept. Not loudly, but consistently. Based on this, Shinji was pretty sure that Asuka had either only slept when he slept, or never slept during this trip. He wasn't sure which.
"And I'm sure you didn't talk to me because you don't feel like it. So you don't have to say anything back to me. You can just pretend that you're sleep and that'll be fine. I won't think you're ignoring me or anything. But if I don't talk, I think I'd probably go crazy. So I hope it's okay."
Shinji took her lack of movement as consent.
"I'm still afraid..." he said. "Of dying I mean. Not terrified or anything like that, but I can't think of anything worse happening. And if I think about it too long... maybe I do get a little terrified."
"Knowing about your father doesn't really help. Because he was healthy. There was nothing wrong with him. And you even said he wasn't a bad man. But he died anyway. And that scares me but... I'm still here. Actually, I'd rather be here than sitting at home with Misato and Pen-Pen. Because even though I have to think about things like this... you're here. And to me that makes a difference."
"I know... I'm not very useful. There's not much I can say to make you feel better. And honestly... I don't even know if you're feeling bad or not. Well... no I'm being stupid... no one feels happy about something like this. Right? Even if you didn't know him well, I know you don't like this. I... hated father. But I didn't want him to die. I just... of course you don't like this."
"But you know... " said Shinji. Suddenly his voice had an edge to it. "You make it hard sometimes. To be here. I mean... you never make it easy and that's okay. I think... well it wouldn't be the same if it were easy. I don't know. And I think I usually get you... you know? It might be true that people can't really understand each other... but I get that there's some things you can't say, even if you want to, and some things you can't do either. And I'm not trying to make you say or do those things. You don't have to."
"But when you just... throw me away like that, what am I supposed to think? She's your friend. I get that. And I like her too. And I did it because you wanted me to. But it felt wrong and honestly... I don't get why you did that. It makes me a little mad actually. I don't know why though... it just did."
"And then you came out of the store and somehow, somehow you make it my fault. Like I wanted this. Like I asked for it or something. How do you even do that? I mean... sorry, no... that's not what I'm trying to say."
Shinji took a deep breath.
"I guess... the thing is... I want... I really do want to be here. Even if it's hard for me. Even if you... make it harder. That's okay. I mean... yeah... it's okay. Because most of the time... usually... I think you want me here. And I like that. But if you don't want me there... even for a little bit... you have to tell me. Because I don't know. I can't understand you. But if you don't want me there with you, I'll let you go by yourself for a little while. And you can come back when you want. And I'll miss you... but I'll understand... well I won't understand... but... you get what I mean. What I'm saying is... I'll still be here. Even if it's hard."
It felt good to get that off his chest, even if Asuka still refused to move an inch.
"And I know... you won't say it either way. Even if you want to. That's okay. You don't have to say it. But I can't just guess. So... I've been thinking about it. And... you can just... nod your head or something and I'll just go home. Maybe scratch your nose. Or sneeze or cough. Something like that and I'll know. Okay? Because I really can't guess anymore. I just don't know..."
there was silence for a while. Shinji stared at Asuka waiting for some sign to appear, but it never does.
"Asuka?" he asked. For a moment he thought that she really was asleep. That everything he said had been useless. But then she raised her hand toward the radio. Without opening her eyes or uttering a word, she turned up the volume.
Not a "yes", not a "no", but a "would you be quiet now? Please shut up..."
Shinji returned his eyes to the road.
"Fine," he said quietly. "I don't even care anymore."
And as he continued to drive alone through the night, he wished his words were true.
AN: I don't really have anything to say here. I just like leaving Author's Notes. It's kind of a habit. I guess I could maybe apologize for this chapter taking so long (I was trying to get them out within a month of each other). But know that this apology is mostly insincere.
Thanks for Reading