So sorry about the delay, guys! I was too busy watching Up (!) Yes, even cold, heartless character bashers of comedy watch sweet and innocent Pixar movies (can they do no wrong?) Seriously, if any of you travel to Paradise Falls in the near (or far) future, please bring me back a Kevin! (;_;)
Enough whining! Here's the story!
Disclaimer: I don't own POTC, but I do own myself and my random ideas.
Ext. Port Royal – Night
Creepy fog rolls in, which any moviegoer knows foreshadows some seriously bad voodoo (Legend of Sleepy Hollow, The Wolfman, Dark Shadows, 90% of all slasher flicks, etc., etc., etc.)
Int. Jail
JACK smirks as he watches some PRISONERS try to lure the DOG WITH KEYS with a bone.
POEISMYHERO
Yay, it's just like the ride! Except Jack's here…and I'm not in a boat…and there aren't any singing pirates…and the prisoners aren't robots…and the dog isn't one either…
JACK
Shut it. You're worse than Ragetti.
POEISMYHERO
Okey-dokey.
Int. Elizabeth's Room
MAID puts bed warming pan near Elizabeth's feet. She removes the clothespin from her nose.
MAID
There you are, miss. My, what a day!
ELIZABETH
Oh, yes. I couldn't believe that Norrington proposed to me. Such a pompous man.
MAID
I meant the whole falling off a parapet, being rescued by a hot and sexy pirate, then being kidnapped by him, thing.
ELIZABETH
Oh, yes, there's that.
MAID
But the Commodore proposed! That's a smart match, miss, if it's not too bold to say.
ELIZABETH
(Indifferent)
I guess so.
(Mutters under breath)
Pompous wig-wearing jerk!
MAID
But that Will Turner. He's a fine man, too.
ELIZABETH
(Glares at MAID)
That is too bold.
MAID
Then you don't mind if I take him?
(Stops ELIZABETH before she can speak)
Fabulous!
(Runs out of the room squealing in delight)
ELIZABETH
She is so not getting a tip.
(Looks under pillow)
And she forgot the chocolate!
(Pouts)
Int. Blacksmith Forge
WILL
(Stops hammering and looks into space)
My pirate sense is tingling!
(Peeks out door)
CAT
(Running away)
Spooky pirates? Eunuchs? Gay governors? I'm splitting this joint!
Ext. Harbor
GODZILLA creeps out of the murky depths of the ocean.
BLACK PEARL
Hey! This is our shtick!
GODZILLA
Sorry.
Ext. Fort
A noose swings in the breeze. A sign next to it reads Reserved. NORRINGTON AND GOVERNOR SWANN walk along the wall behind it.
GOVERNOR SWANN
Has Elizabeth talked to you yet?
NORRINGTON
No, but I hope she will. Spending my evenings alone with my cat hasn't helped my love life.
GOVERNOR SWANN
Well, she did have a rather dangerous and tiring day today.
(Pauses)
Ghastly weather, isn't it?
NORRINGTON
Bleak. And the weatherman said it would be a nice evening. Remind me to hang him later.
GOVERNOR SWANN
(Pauses)
What's that?
Obviously, GOVERNOR SWANN'S wig is used to hide tremendous elephant ears because a BOOM is heard after - NOT BEFORE - he says his line.
NORRINGTON
Duck!
(Tackles GOVERNOR as a burning DUCK crashes into the fort)
DUCK
Aflac!
NORRINGTON
Bloody advertisements!
Int. Jail
JACK
(Perks up at the glorious sounds of destruction)
I know those cannons!
(Runs up to window and views the destruction)
It's the Pearl.
RANDOM INMATE
Or my wife. I forgot to give her flowers yesterday.
INMATE WITH BONE
The Black Pearl? I've heard stories…she's been attacking towns and settlements for nearly ten years…and never leaves any survivors.
JACK
No survivors? Then where do the stories come from?
INMATE WITH BONE
The media, of course! You don't need survivors for that kind of propaganda!
JACK
True…
Ext. Harbor
The BLACK PEARL destroys everything. CIVILIANS run around like headless chickens while MYTHBUSTERS FANS cheer on the explosions.
Ext. Town
Random action stunts ensue. RANDOM KID almost gets crushed (can I mention how much I hate this cliché?), PEOPLE fly off balconies, etc. Port Royal Elementary School is blown up.
ELEMENTARY KIDS
YAY!
Port Royal's Sweet Shop is blown up.
ELEMENTARY KIDS
NO!
PIRATES come out of fog to pillage, plunder, rifle, and loot.
POEISMYHERO
It's about time!
(Notices RAGETTI fiddling with his eyeball)
Dude, that's just gross.
Int. Blacksmith Forge
WILL arms himself with an axe and a sword. He walks out to notice that a girl is being chased after by an EXPLOSIVES-ADDICTED MIDGET. He throws the axe perfectly at the MIDGET (in a creepy George Lutz/slasher kind-of-way). The axe hits the MIDGET in the back.
MIDGET
Oh crumpets! And I didn't even get to have a last cup of tea!
(Drops dead)
WILL pulls out axe from MIDGET'S back and goes off to battle with another PIRATE like the swashbuckling savior he pretneds to be.
Ext. Fort
More explosions, more FLYING SOLDIERS, etc.
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
More explosions! More, MORE! MWAHAHAHAHA!
ZOMBIE F/X CREW
Yes, master.
NORRINGTON
(Shouts random orders to gunners, then turns to GOVERNOR SWANN, who is freaking out)
Governor! This is no place for scaredy-cats! Go hide in my office!
(Random explosions continue through his dramatic pause)
That's an order.
GOVERNOR SWANN
Okey-dokey!
(Runs away)
Int. Elizabeth's Mansion
ELIZABETH
(Looks at scene below and spots PIRATES coming towards her)
Great. Just when I need Will, he disappears. That is so typical!
(She runs downstairs, where a completely deaf and extremely stupid BUTLER is about to open the door)
Don't!
COMPLETELY DEAF AND STUPID BUTLER opens door anyway. A group of PIRATES stand outside.
PINTEL
Trick or treat!
(Shoots BUTLER)
ELIZABETH screams. RAGETTI looks up and spots her. ELIZABETH runs up to her room and locks it, thinking that PIRATES will be stopped by a locked door, and runs into MAID.
MAID
(Freaking out)
Miss Swann, they've come to kidnap you!
ELIZABETH
(Clueless)
Huh?
MAID
(Annoyed)
Hello, you're the governor's daughter!
ELIZABETH
Oh, right!
Door rattles. Both girls gasp.
ELIZABETH
(To MAID)
They haven't seen you yet. Hide, and first chance you get, run to the fort!
MAID
What about you?
ELIZABETH
(Takes on dramatic pose)
I'm going to defend my home!
MAID
Your funeral.
(Hides)
Knocking on door. Apparently pirates have manners before they kick open a door. PINTEL AND RAGETTI enter. They see ELIZABETH run away into other room. PINTEL runs towards room, only to get slapped in the face by a cartoonish gag. Puts on cartoonish face while MAID runs out of room. RAGETTI grabs bed warmer and takes this opportunity to bark at ELIZABETH for no reason whatsoever. ELIZABETH suddenly becomes a genius and realizes that she can OPEN the pan, spilling hot coals on RAGETTI. RAGETTI freaks out while ELIZABETH escapes past the still conscious PINTEL, who apparently lost his brains when he got hit with the pan because he's too stupid to grab her or help RAGETTI. Meanwhile, the MAID runs out of the house, screaming as she passes the stupid and dead BUTLER. GROUP OF PIRATES, oblivious to her, do pirate stuff like destroy and steal. ELIZABETH runs down stairs with PINTEL behind her. RAGETTI jumps over stairs and growls at ELIZABETH.
POEISMYHERO
What are you, a dog?
RAGETTI
Ruff!
Everyone pauses to pay attention RANDOM PIRATE blown off his feet by a cannonball (another moment dedicated to special effects). ELIZABETH looks up, notices the cliché of the falling chandelier and takes it as her cue NOT to run out the doors like her smarter MAID, but to another room. She barricades the doors this time with a candelabra, which is a much better way to lock a door (note the sarcasm). She grabs a sword hanging on the wall.
ELIZABETH
Finally, my time to be heroic!
(Pulls sword, which sticks in crest)
Damn! Curse you and your damsels in distress, Disney!
(Notices PIRATES at door)
Hmm, should I escape through a window where I'll have a better chance of escaping pirates and reaching sanctuary, or hide in here where there's a 100% chance of those pirates finding me?
PINTEL AND RAGETTI finally burst through doors. RAGETTI notices the open window, but PINTEL stops him as his damsel-in-distress sense starts tingling.
PINTEL
We know you're here, poppet!
RAGETTI
Poppet…
PINTEL
Come out and we promise we won't hurt you…
RAGETTI gives him a "I thought we were" look, but he catches on and does the nose thing (I still don't get it).
PINTEL
We'll find you, poppet. You've got something of ours that calls to us.
RAGETTI
Calls to us…
ELIZABETH looks down.
MEDALLION
Don't look at me! I've been quiet this whole time…except just now.
PINTEL
(Looks down and notices the pushed back rug)
The gold calls to us.
RAGETTI
Gold…
PINTEL
Stop repeating everything I say!
RAGETTI
Repeating everything I –
(Notices PINTEL glaring at him and wisely shuts up)
ELIZABETH pulls out MEDALLION.
MEDALLION
Idiot! Put me back, put me back!
PINTEL
(Peers into crack at ELIZABETH)
'Ello, poppet!
MEDALLION
Too late.
ELIZABETH
(Gasps as doors are swung open)
Parlay!
PINTEL
What?
ELIZABETH
Parlay! I invoke the right of parlay! According to the Code of the Brethren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you must take me to your Captain!
PINTEL
That's…random.
ELIZABETH
I have an obsession, okay?
(Clears throat)
As I was saying, if an adversary demands parlay, you can do them no harm until the parlay is complete.
RAGETTI
Screw the code…
PINTEL
(Interrupts RAGETTI)
She wants to be taken to the Captain, and she'll go without a fuss. We must honor the code.
ELIZABETH
(Surprised)
Wow, they bought it!
(Notices PINTEL AND RAGETTI'S confused looks)
I mean…let's go to the Captain!
Ext. Town
PIRATES do pirate stuff. WILL fights with RANDOM PIRATE, but RANDOM PIRATE gets the better of him.
RANDOM PIRATE
Say goodbye!
Suddenly (but predictably), a cannonball hits a sign and WILL ducks as it hits RANDOM PIRATE.
WILL
I'm going to use an old, worn-out gag by repeating your "Goodbye."
(Turns to see ELIZABETH being kidnapped by murderous drunks)
Elizabeth! I must rescue her as manly as I can!
MIDGET
Not while I'm around!
WILL, POEISMYHERO, AND AUDIENCE
OMG, what the hell?!
MIDGET just smiles and looks down at the lit bomb. Unfortunately, the bomb is a dud.
MIDGET
Darn! It would have totally gone off in Transformers!
(Shakes fist at sky)
Curse you, Disney!
WILL gets ready to kill MIDGET again when he is hit in the head with a predictable, worn-out gag and becomes unconscious.
Int. Jail
JACK ducks actionly as a cannonball blows up the jail. INMATES escape.
INMATE WHO HAD BONE BEFORE BUT DOESN'T NOW
(To JACK)
My sympathies, friend. You don't have much luck at all.
JACK
Yes I do!
(Pulls out lucky rabbit foot)
See?
INMATE WHO HAD BONE BEFORE AND YOU KNOW THE REST
(Steals foot)
Thanks!
(Leaves)
Ext. Fort
Dramatic music plays as the full moon is revealed from the clouds.
POEISMYHERO
What, are the pirates werewolves or something?
Yes, past self - yes they are. MWAHAHAHA!
(Notices confused stares from fans and random strangers)
Um...I watch a lot of horror movies...and I read too much Edgar Allen Poe.
Wait, there's no such thing as too much Poe! Quick, to the library! (Dashes off to library)
Ta-ta, my fans of comedy! R&R!