A very heavy Mertina friendship chapter. Tina helps Mercedes FINALLY get some clarity on her feelings and forces her to look at her options. Pivotal chapter! It's not very long, but I do hope it is at least satisfying( I have a major exam tomorrow, so it's all I can give you for now). Enjoy!
After ten minutes had passed, Mercedes looked to Tina and, with a silent nod, gathered their things and made their way to the bathroom for their scheduled meeting. Mercedes stopped momentarily to tell Shane where she was going, kissed his cheek, and met a giddy Tina at the doorway, waiting for her. Tina grabbed her hand and nearly dragged her to the women's bathroom, closing the door hastily and blocking the way with a garbage can.
"Okay, girl" she said finally, turning to eye her suspiciously, "Spill everything. Don't leave out any details."
Mercedes didn't even know where to begin so, with a heavy sigh, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Sam and I had slept together and I don't know how to deal." She sighed, relieved that she voiced her concerns. She closed her eyes and leaned against the bathroom sink, waiting for Tina's response.
"Tina? Girl? You okay?" She asked worriedly, opening her eyes as her friend had yet to respond to her statement. Her face was frozen in shock, mouth gaped open so wide she could catch flies. Mercedes snapped her fingers in front of Tina's face, finally bringing her out of her catatonic state.
"Omigod Mercedes, this is HUGE! I expected you to say a lot of things, maybe even a kiss, but not THAT! Not that at all…." Her voice tapered off a bit, still a little disbelieving.
"Well, now you know why I've been so miserable! I can't eat or sleep, my thoughts are all jumbled, and every time Shane does or says anything, I'm consumed with guilt over Sam! Do you know how hard it is to sit in glee club, to be near him? There's still so much there with us, you know?" So overwhelmed, Mercedes started to tremble, tears pouring down her face. "And he said he loved me and he wouldn't let me go ever again. And I wanted it! I have a boyfriend waiting for me, ready to share his whole life with me, and I make love to my summer ex under his nose in the janitor's closet! What kind of girlfriend am I?" She sobbed quietly in Tina's shoulder as her friend embraced her.
"Oh, honey, you've been keeping all of this in?" She stroked her hair soothingly, feeling the pain and heartache her friend experienced. She pulled Mercedes head back and grabbed her face, locking eyes with her. "No more keeping emotions in, okay? You've got friends who love you and won't let you go through it alone. Promise me you'll tell me when you're hurting like this!"
Mercedes eyes were cast down, still spilling silent tears. She sniffled and nodded, leaning her forehead against Tina's.
"No, I mean it!" Tina tapped her cheek gently, resuming eye contact with her. "Pinky promise me you'll let me in! No more secret broken hearts!"
Mercedes looked skeptically as Tina leaned back and offered her pinky. "Pinky promise, T? Really? What are we, seven?" She scoffed in jest.
"Hey, pinky promises were practically law in the third grade. Why not now?" Tina reasoned. "Besides, I kinda feel like we drifted apart a bit ever since you came back to New Directions. Maybe even before that, really" She said, suddenly saddened.
Mercedes did miss their friendship. They had both let it fall to the wayside, caught up in their own stuff, not realizing the slow drift apart until it was too late. "Yeah, I know. I miss our morning green tea and girl talk. You always did have the best advice, T" Mercedes mused, smiling warmly at her friend.
"So? What do you say? Pinkies?" She wiggled her pinky back and forth on Mercedes nose. She had to chuckle at their sudden immaturity. She did always appreciate Tina's ability to make her feel better.
"Okay, Pinkies." said Mercedes, with mock reluctance. They smiled happily as they linked fingers, sealing their promise and officially renewing their friendship.
"Good! Okay now, back to business" Tina's shift from playful to serious face made Mercedes chuckle. "Now, you said, and I quote, that you "made love" to Sam. Not sex or a residual emotion romp in the sack, but made love! Do you still love him?"
"Yes! That's what's killing me!" Mercedes furrowed her brow, frustrated at her emotions. "I mean, I was happy with Shane when Sam wasn't here! Maybe not the absolute best, but I was satisfied, you know? I was ready to move on and live my life with my new man and leave him behind. But then he comes back and makes all these promises to win me back and tells me how much he loves and misses me and…" She sighed, exhaustedly. Her eyes looked to Tina, wide and near brimming with fresh tears. "What do I do, T? I don't know what to do…."
Tina's heart broke over and over again for her. She knew what it was like to feel conflicted in love and it was painful. "Sweetie, I have to ask, how exactly do you feel about Shane? I mean, I know you still have feelings for Sam. Everyone can see that.." She watched Mercedes wince at her words. "But Shane? I never really understood how that relationship worked."
Honestly, this is really where Mercedes felt the most conflicted. On one hand, she had a strong affection for him. He was kind and honest and really did care for her. But, on the other hand, her heart never fluttered when they kissed like it did with Sam. She never felt nervous or insanely giddy around him. She chalked up her lack of response to her finally having a "mature relationship" as opposed to a "summer fling", but that explanation never did sit fully with her. "I don't know. I love him, I guess…." She resigned, shrugging her shoulders.
"Whoa, okay, let me stop you right there. You guess you love him? Love is everything but unsure, honey, and judging from that", she gestured to her face and body, "you seem pretty damn unsure."
Mercedes leaned even more heavily against the sink, sighing and slouching in defeat.
"Look, feelings are difficult to decipher sometimes, Mercy. Maybe if we discuss why you chose Shane in the first place, we can better place your feelings about him." Tina was always insightful and discerning, especially on matters of the heart. She already knew that Shane was just a placeholder for Sam in Mercedes' heart. But, she recognized that her friend needed to figure it out on her own. So, she would do everything she could as her friend to help her realize who she truly needed to be with, at her own pace.
"Well…" She bit her lip, trying to figure out where to start. "I guess it was because I kinda….saw myself in him, you know?" Tina shook her head, but urged her to further explain. "I mean, the need to be wanted. Before Sam, there weren't a lot of men pummeling down my door wanting to ask me out. I tried to shrug it off like it didn't affect me, but it hurts knowing you're not wanted." Tina was ready to protest, but Mercedes held up her hand. "I don't mean at all. I knew I had great friends and a wonderful family that loved me to death. And I have no problem loving myself. But…it's nice to be recognized as someone somebody can love romantically. I wanted the fairy tale, as crazy as that sounds." Mercedes admitted, embarrassed.
"It's not crazy, Mercy" Tina reassured genuinely. "I think everyone wants it, really. Some people are just too afraid of the disappointment of not achieving it to admit it. Or too jaded by the heartbreak of their own romantic realities"
"And the one time it did happen for me, truly genuinely happened" she looked past Tina solemnly, with a faraway look in her eyes. "It was ripped away from me. And I was left wondering if it was ever even real." She chuckled mirthlessly in her throat. "We gave each other everything, so much that I thought we would lose ourselves in each other, but when he left, I felt like I gained somehow. Like I was more of myself with him, you know? Even though he was gone, a part of him would always be with me"
Tina knew exactly, and nodded. She felt the same with Mike, complete by herself but somehow more when she was with him. She was better for even knowing him.
"But, it didn't help the empty feeling I felt. I still wanted to feel wanted and…"
"That's where Shane came in." Tina finished.
"Yeah. He wasn't the most attractive or romantic, but he cared about me. He didn't have a line of girls chasing after him, even though he was the star quarterback. And it was comforting to know that, in a way. It made me feel safe being with him, knowing that someone else wouldn't come to take him from me."
"But, Sam wasn't taken from you by another girl…" Tina included.
"No, Kentucky took him." Mercedes replied. "Still hurt like an affair, though. It felt like he had chosen there over me. I know it's stupid, but that's how I felt." She looked at Tina, and saw that her face was concerned, not judgmental, so she kept going. "Shane would always be here, his life was set in stone and predictable. He would go to Ohio State, become a major football star, and marry me. We would have our 2.5 kids and picket fence and live comfortably ever after. His life was written and unchanging. I wanted something solid, and Shane….Shane was that guy. It wasn't a fairytale, but it was enough." Mercedes shrugged, uncaring. Her twiddling thumbs were suddenly more interesting to watch as she waited for Tina's reaction.
She heard Tina sigh heavily and watched her tiredly rub her eyes. Tina absorbed everything Mercedes said and didn't know what to address first. She figured she'd start with the most immediate and work her way down. "Okay, first of all, if anyone deserves a happily ever after, it's definitely you. I never ever want to hear that you settled on anything less than absolute perfection. You're freaking Mercedes Jones! Diva Extraordinaire with a voice as kickass as any of the greats out there today! You don't follow trends, you set them! And, you most certainly don't settle for anything less than fabulous." Mercedes laughed incredulously. Tina made her sound like she had already won five grammys and was on her way to the sixth! But, it warmed her heart to know that Tina thought of her this way.
"It's true, Mercy! You will get everything your heart desires and more, I just know it. Everything you want is right around the corner, waiting for you. Just don't settle for "almost" on your way to it."
God, this woman and her words! Mercedes looked at Tina in awe. "Wow, T. That was really deep!"
"Thanks! I watch Oprah and Dr. Phil so much, I'm practically a trained psychologist and motivational speaker." Tina smirked. Tina suddenly reached out her hands and Mercedes looked at them curiously before she realized she was supposed to grab them. They clasped hands, stepping a bit closer and facing one another.
"Okay, time for a little romantic Tina-vention! Now, close your…"
"Tina-vention?" Mercedes arched her brow, smirking mockingly.
"Yes. I actually plan on patenting the phrase…. now stop deflecting!" Tina jokingly chided. "Now, take a deep breath and close your eyes." She smiled when Mercedes followed her directions without further argument. "Great. Now I want you to clear everything from your mind, any residual guilt or confusion. Don't dwell on those things. Your mind is clear and you have an emotional clean slate, ok?"
"Yes, Dr. Chang" Mercedes teased, eyes still closed. She followed her instructions and felt lighter and peaceful, her mind clear of everything that was stressing her.
"Ok. Now, picture Shane and only Shane. Experience every emotion you feel when you think of him. Picture the future you see with him and how it makes you feel." Tina instructed, watching Mercedes' every facial expression.
When she thought of Shane, all she could feel was sadness and resentment. She saw flashes of their future together, of her being Mrs. Tinsley and sitting on the sidelines at games in the "Football Wives" section of the bleachers, her giving up her dreams of recording her own music to be a stay at home wife, existing only to cook and clean for him, and finally of her weathered and stressed, being at home with a house full of little Tinsleys while her husband went to yet another after party, leaving her alone. All she could hear were arguments about infidelity and unfulfilled dreams in their future. It made her instantly miserable.
Tina saw the pained look on her face and decided it was a good time to move on. "Okay, girl, clear your mind again. Everything you just felt and saw is gone. Now, I want you to picture Sam and only Sam. Experience everything you feel when you think of him. Picture your future with Sam and everything that means."
Mercedes sighed and focused solely on thoughts of Sam. Immediately, she felt warmth and joy envelop her. Sam felt like sunlight and summer rain and soft music. An instant smile lit up her face as she thought of their future, long afternoons by the lake, winter nights cuddled in the couch watching Avatar, soft caresses and whispered devotions of love and affection. She saw him standing by the sink, smiling, as he proudly gives their infant daughter her first bath. She felt his strong arms envelop her, rubbing her back soothingly as they watched their son off to his first day of school. His little eyes were brown and bright like hers, with an endearing crooked grin so affectionately Sam's and a warm golden tone of skin, a mixture of their own. Grammys, Tonys, Nobels, and Pulitzers were scattered across their shelves, speaking volumes of their individual successes. And she saw her Sam, older and grey, reaching out his wrinkled hand to her, asking her to dance. They moved slower, and their looks had changed over time, but their eyes still shone for one another, love unchanging.
"Merc? Mercy, Honey? You okay?"
Mercedes opened her eyes slowly, looking slightly confused at Tina and their surroundings. She was so caught up in the vision, she had forgotten it wasn't real. Her and Sam, they weren't really together. She wiped the stray tears from her cheeks and shook her head, trying to refocus and bring herself back to the present.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just….got lost for a second there…." She spoke gently. Tina pulled her into a hug as more silent tears came.
"I know, honey" said Tina, gently, as she rubbed her back. "I know" She didn't have to say a word. Tina already knew that, in that moment, Mercedes' heart had finally found clarity.
Three loud, successive knocks on the bathroom door ripped through their pensive silence.
"Hey!" screamed the outside voice, "you do realize this is a public restroom, right? Not just for your own personal fucking use!"
"Bitch, go pee in a bush, we're having an emotional crisis in here!" Tina screamed back scathingly. She squeezed Mercedes gently then let her go, analyzing her face to be sure she had recovered.
"I better get going anyway, T", Mercedes mused begrudgingly, "Tonight is Friday night after all."
"Oh right. Family date night, I forgot." Tina nodded in recollection. Two weeks after her and Shane started dating, he would take her to meet and eat with his family every Friday night. Since she was going be the future Mrs. Tinsley, he reasoned, she might as well get to know her future in laws. At first, she thought it was sweet. Now, it had just become an annoying ritual and, frankly, really boring. But, since it was so important to him and the future of their relationship, she kept going. Now, she really wondered why she had ever decided to stay with Shane.
"I'm gonna break up with him. Tonight." Mercedes declared, finality lacing every word.
Tina tried to stifle her happy grin. "Really? What brought this on all of a sudden?" She inquired, trying to keep her voice neutral.
Mercedes grinned infectiously, freeing Tina to smile back. "I saw my futures, and I've decided that I won't settle for "almost". I deserve the best, right?"
"Right" Tina agreed, happy that her friend had seen the light.
"Hello? Girl with full bladder out here!" said the outside voice, banging loudly on the door to remind them of her presence.
"You know, she could have found another bathroom by now. What, is this the only acceptable bathroom to use at Mckinley?" She mused quietly to Mercedes. Tina finally walked to the door and moved the garbage can blocking the path, allowing the blond cheerio to push through and run to the nearest stall.
"Stupid, but fast!" Tina laughed. Mercedes shook her head at her friend's antics as they left the bathroom. With a friend like her, she would never lose her way for too long.
Next chapter, we meet Shane's family (Thanks for the inspiration Denita585!) and Shane brings a little surprise of his own, one that may work in his favor perhaps? I know, I'm awful. But, you'll love it!