-1 The dungeons were damp and cold. It smelled of must and hobbits, which combined to form the most interesting fragrance. However, the question could be asked, why did it smell like hobbits? They were in a completely different series and had nothing to do with Harry Potter. But alas, the dungeons smelled musty and like hobbits.
"Ew, it smells like hobbits down here!"
"Oh, STFU, OhGod," replied Comfy. "You don't have to be such a Debbie-downer just because Madam Wood and Violette ran off to have a hot skip-scene.
"WHY MUST YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY!?"
"… OhGodicus Explodicus…" chimed in Moonlight. And OhGod's head rolled off.
"Damnit, Moonlight! Why do you have to do that? Now we have to go to Madam Pomfrey to get OhGod's head put back on!" said Lepusia. "Snape will be so angry when we finally do get to Potions!"
"Oh, I know," said Moonlight with anticipation--- fear. "So very angry, the potions master will be. He'll probably shackle us or something!"
"… Do you ever have the feeling that we're in a shitty 3 a.m. HBO porn?" asked Silver.
"… No. STFU." said Laocoons.
So, Silver enchanted OhGod's body to float behind them, while Angry M picked up the severed head and nested it in her hair. "OhGod makes a good hair accessory, you guys."
… And everyone just stared at Angry M. "… Yeah… let's just go," said Moonlight.
As the girls walked along to get OhGod's head reattached, they encountered yet another one of the dreaded persons. This time, it was Sirius Black, the mass murderer.
"Oh no! It be Sirius Black! The mass murderer!" said Angry M. Everyone else just screamed.
"SHHHHHHH. I be Sirius Black, bitches, but I is not a mass murderah! The rat, Pettigrew tricked everyone! He be an animagus!"
"… Why should we believe you?" asked Comfy.
"Because I offer you my hot s3cks!" answered Sirius.
"… Good enough for me!" And Comfy pounced on Sirius. They had some hot s3cks during a skipped scene.
"Wow, did you learn that in Azkaban?" asked Comfy.
"Well, there's not much to do there." Sirius was blushing. It was true. There wasn't much to do in Azkaban. Sure, the dementors were kind of evil and could suck your soul, but they could teach you some interesting sexual positions, too. Not to mention his deranged cousin, Bellatrix. Oh, how he loved her. They had hot Blackcest lovins in Azkaban. Like. The hottest kind of hot. There was Crucio involved.
"Uh… though I'd love to let you reminisce about your sex life with dementors and your super hot amazingly awesome cousin, we really need to get OhGod to the hospital wing. Her hed fell off." Comfy motioned to the severed head perched atop Angry M's head. "But don't worry! I'll be back to have more great sex with you later!"
"… Oh… Fine. Just use me then." Sirius transformed into a black shaggy dog and trotted off with his tail between his hindlegs.
"… That must have been some interesting pr0ntastic blob," said Silver.
"… Um… To the hospital wing!" Comfy replied. "We mustn't get distracted by anymore sex fiends!"
And off to the hospital wing the group trotted. When they arrived, it was only to find that Madam Pomfrey was dead! LE GASP! A murder mystery had to ensue!
"Oh no!" said Angry M. "I shall forever have OhGod's head atop mine now!"
"No, no. We'll just find Hermione. She's hot and can work any kind of magic. ANY kind." Silver was sure that Hermione would be able to fix the situation. And with Hermione's ever-beautiful BRAINZ, she would surely be able to solve the MURDAH MYSTEREH, too. And possible add to the pr0ntastic blob, or so Silver hoped.
"… Silver… Stop thinking about femmeslashyness. You femmeslashy whore." said Lepusia. "We have more important things to do! Like reattach OhGod's head."
"… But… I want Hermione's hot femmeslashy s3cks…." whimpered Silver.
"… Oh… ok, but only AFTER OhGod's head is reattached. We can't walk around with a Headless body forever."
"Not to mention the fact that I want to go be punished by Snape," added Moonlight.
"… Y'all are whack," said Laocoons.
"Wiggedy whack?" asked Comfy.
"No, just the regular type," replied Laocoons.
"… Dag."
"… Now if you're through quoting Teen Girl Squad, can we please find Hermione? I don't want OhGod's head on top of mine forever!" said Angry M.
"And I want Hermione's hot femmeslashy s3ckz," added Silver.
"To the bat mobile!" shoted Comfy, and a long black car came flying at them. Everyone got in carefully, after affixing OhGod's body to the top of the car, and took off at light speed to find Hermione. When they found her, she was reading a 782749972362997 page book entitled "How to Be A Crazy Ass Seductress And Score with Lots of Peoplez."
"Hermione!" exclaimed Silver. "I'll let you score with me!"
"Silver! OhGod!" reminded Angry M.
Crestfallen, Silver said, "Oh yeah. Can you put OhGod's head back on her body?"
"Hmm. It will be a very hard charm…" Hermione flipped through another book entitled "People With Severed Heads And How To Fix Them," flipped through a few pages, said "UnOhGodicus UnExplodicus," and OhGod's head was put back on her body.
"MAH HEEEEEEEEEAD! Moonlight! I'ma kill you!" exclaimed the head of OhGod, newly reunited with her body.
"Pssh, GTFO, n00b," was Moonlight's reply.
"… Fine." OhGod stormed out angrily.
"… Now can I have hot femmesex with Hermione?" asked Silver.
"… Go for it," replied Comfy.
"Sweeeeeeeet. So. Hermione. Sex? Now? Here?" asked Silver.
Hermione replied, "Fo' shiz. You know how I like mah hoez." And then there was a skipped scene.
Suddenly, Luna walked in. She saw Hermione and Silver together and was filled with RAAAAAAAGE.
"Silvah! How could u do this 2 me!?/1/!?/11one" she asked.
"… U be the 1 who ditched me, Luna! U said u was a cheerleadah!" Silver whimpered. She hadn't fully recovered from her short relationship with Luna. "I… IL'dU! And you betrayed me! Why should I die for you now?"
"… I said nothing about dying…" replied Luna.
"Um… Silvah. I thought we was 2gethah. 4eva," said Hermione. "U gonna cheat on me wif dis bitch?"
"… I… but… I… I LOVE YOU BOTH!" and Silver ran off sobbing. OH NOEZ! Will the drama never cease? Find out in the next episode of the Worst Fic Ever!