The Truth of Life Without You

Summary: Alec used to picture what it would be like if he had never met Magnus, if he had never been in his life. But those were fantasies. And now those fantasies have come true, and in the most painful way. Heavy angst. Not for fluff lovers.

Sometimes Alec would wonder what might have happened if he hadn't met Magnus. Would he have stayed in the closet forever? Would his misguided affection for Jace continued until it came out in some unfortunate circumstance. Would he have found somebody else...

The thing is, Alec could not imagine his life without Magnus. No matter how he tried to conjure up some alternate reality, Magnus always ended up showing his pretty little face in it.

He knew that Jace would tease him for being unrealistic, he'd tell him that there are infinite circumstances in which he and Magnus would have never met. That he was kidding himself for believing that they'd always find him. That is just the kind of person Jace was, he was an eternal realist. However he knew, if anybody had asked him the same question, but with him and Clary, he would say the exact opposite.

Clary seemed to believe that everything happened for a reason. She would probably tell him that one way or another him and Magnus would find a way to be together. Even against all odds.

Isabelle would have scolded him for even thinking such thoughts. He could picture her telling him that even wondering about a life without Magnus, was unhealthy.

In the back of his mind, Alec knew that Isabelle was right. That filling his mind with these vile thoughts, would just cause him pain. Even if none of it would true. In fact none of it would ever be true. Despite all the pain and countless tears, Magnus had managed to have a permanent place in his life...his mortal life.

Maybe that was why he would lay awake at night imagining a world in which he didn't have Magnus. While he was mortal and could always count on Magnus to be there, he knew that Magnus didn't have that same luxury. There would come a time where Magnus would have to live without him, because Alec had an expiration date.

He hadn't known it at the time, but Magnus had treated every moment with him like a gift. He didn't understand why every time they made eye contact, he reached for his hand. Or why every time Alec came home at night, Magnus kissed him slowly. He certainly hadn't understood why at his father's funeral he had held him so tightly, as if he was going to disappear.

If Alec had known what was going to happen, he would have stopped torturing himself with the idea of some fake reality in which Magnus had never come into his life, and instead he would have enjoyed every second of the one in which he did. Because now, as he stood staring at the tombstone, he wished he had Magnus hear to hold him so tightly, because he felt like he was going to fall apart without having someone to hold him together.

Alec was sure that if Magnus had been here, he would have complained that the whole things was to dull. The man would have turned a funeral into a party. He knew that a party would have been celebrating Magnus' life, but to Alec it would be like celebrating the fact that he was gone. That he wasn't there anymore.

The night before Alec found himself overwhelmed with the same thoughts of what life would have been like without Magnus. It wasn't the same as before though. This time it was painful. This time he was living the fantasy.

At least in his fake worlds he had never met Magnus. Had never had to feel the unbearable pain of what it was like to lose him. In his life, his utterly and undeniably cruel life, he had met Magnus. He had fell in love with him thinking that Magnus was his forever. That unlike everything else in his life Magnus would be permanent. He wasn't supposed to be something that left after seven years.

The people who had shown up to his funeral expected him to give a eulogy speech. Alec knew more than enough about his husband. He could have gone on and on about how he got ready in the morning and took care of Alec's cuts and bruises at night. He'd memorized that first few pages of his favorite book. He could even read off a list of all the places he'd gone in his long life.

What he couldn't do was put into words how much he'd loved Magnus. How he wished he hadn't taken their time together. How he wanted to take back all the times he had thought that Magnus would have found it easy to lose him. Or how he wished he'd avoided every petty argument, and spent less time at the institute. Most of all he wished that he could have given Magnus everything that he gave him.

So instead Catarina gave the speech. She truly did a lovely job, reciting one of the many adventures Magnus had been on, and she certainly did it with less tears than he would have.

So here he was. Standing alone in front of the tombstone. The rain that was pouring down seemed appropriate for the day. Without an umbrella Alec was soaked to the bone, the fabric of his suit was clinging to his body, but he didn't notice.

The funeral hadn't given him the closure he needed, he needed more. A funeral was supposed to be a way to say goodbye, and Alec wasn't ready to do that.

"I miss you," Alec said, his voice cracking as he tried to keep himself from crying. "It isn't fair that you're gone."

If he could, Magnus would have told him that life wasn't fair. That even he had to go sometimes.

"I should have told you I loved you," Alec admitted. "I was in such a rush to leave that morning, I just thought that you'd be there when I got back…I thought you would always be there."

It used to be so easy for him to think of lives without Magnus. It had just been curiosity. How had he once entertained the idea so easily.

"You've been gone three days," The way he said it made it sound like Magnus was simply on vacation. "Doesn't everybody say it gets easier with time? For me it has only gotten worse. Here I was thinking that after I died, you would learn to live with it in time. I was such a fool."

Truth be told, Alec hadn't shed a single tear since he died. There were always people around him, and the last thing he wanted to do was make them worry. So he had held it all in, trying to control himself so the people that he loved wouldn't fret over him.

Now he had collapsed to the ground, the rain drops mixing with his tears until he could no longer tell which was which. The only thing he could bring himself to say after that was "I love you" and it meant more every time he said it.

All of the sudden an arm wrap around his shoulder, and then he realized that the raindrops were no longer hitting him. He looked to the side and saw it was Isabelle, she wrapped her arms around him tighter to try and stop him from shivering. Isabelle, who rarely like to get dirty, was kneeling in the mud with him, crying softly into the crook of his neck. He was always the one to comfort her, he was her big brother, but for the first time ever it was her turn.

Simon was holding an umbrella above them in one hand, while squeezing Izzy's shoulder with the other. Behind him, just out of his view, he could hear Clary choking back tears, and letting the occasional whimper escape. Where Clary was, Alec knew that Jace was, probably holding her close to him.

Alec didn't know what life was going to be without Magnus, but he knew who he was because of Magnus. He knew that because of Magnus, his loved ones were reaching for their partners and never letting go, because even love that is supposed to be definite can go down in flames.

Alec would do anything to see his warlock again. What he would give to kiss him, to hug him, to feel what it's like to wake up next to him. He was sure that he would never love anyone like he loved Magnus. But he still had people who he loved, and that cared for him.

As his friends and family surrounded him, he continued to say I love you. Except now he wasn't just saying it to Magnus.

A/N: Sorry for this rambling. I don't know if it made any sense. The circumstances around Magnus' death are supposed to be a mystery so don't feel like you missed it. Sorry if this wasn't Malec-y enough.