Chapter 4: Just Let Me Burn
"Katie! Wait! Just fucking…." Naomi breaks into a jog, wondering how the fuck someone as short as Katie is can walk that fast.
Katie speeds up when she hears Naomi's shoes slapping on the sidewalk behind her because how fucked up is it that now Naomi Campbell is chasing after her and Katie knows somewhere deep down in side that even though right now she might not want company –might want to cry alone—she fucking needs it and it doesn't make sense that after all these years of hatred, Naomi would be the one that she needs.
Naomi grips Katie's arm hard—much harder than she meant to but she just wants Katie to stop—and jerks Katie around so quickly that they almost slam into each other. In fact, Naomi's arms have to slip around Katie's waist so that Katie won't fall. Oddly enough they choose to linger even after Katie has her balance and Naomi isn't even trying to think why because she's too busy holding Katie upright—holding her steady—because at any moment this could break and Katie would be nothing but a shell.
Katie pulls away from Naomi's arms with a shudder that seems to wrack her entire body and it's not quite a sob but it's so fucking close that Naomi wants to reach out for her again--hold the pieces into a whole. Katie's hand reaches up and almost makes it to her scar but before it can, her fingers tremble. They're just hovering over the scar now really, not touching but trembling above it like they are touching anyways. It doesn't matter whether Katie touches it or not because she can still feel it—can always feel it, can't remember when she hasn't.
"Katie…" Naomi starts to say but stops when Katie looks at her—so obviously gutted—with eyes tearing and her bottom lip trembling and its just so fucking vulnerable that Naomi can't even begin to finish what she was going to say—can't even remember it really.
Katie forces her hand down to her side and remembers how Effy had looked leaning against that building. Katie remembers how invisible she'd been to Effy and all she'd wanted to do was grip her shoulders and shake her—finally wiping that blasé fucking look off her face—and scream, "You did this to me!"
Because she did. Effy Stonem is the reason that Katie is now standing in the middle of the street, shaking and like wanting to reach out and grab Naomi so that she'll be fucking steady for just a second. Effy is the reason that Katie seems to be a washed out version of herself and she doesn't know where everything went or when it slipped from her fingers but now its fucking gone so it doesn't really matter—how or why—all that matters is that there's nothing left.
Without further warning or even a reason—except that she just hasn't let herself go there yet—Katie bursts into proper tears and its messy and ugly and she hates herself for doing it and showing this but Naomi's face just like opens and she says, "Oh Jesus, Katie…"
Before they know it they're hugging and it doesn't even matter who reached for who because now they're both gripping so fiercely and so strong and Katie's tears are wetting Naomi's floral shirt that's so fucking ugly that Katie thinks to herself that it kind of serves Naomi right—having it ruined—for wearing it in the first place.
Still gripping just as desperately and still crying a bit, Katie murmurs, "I'm cold. So cold." Naomi starts but then slowly and by degrees lets go of Katie, separating slowly as if they'd tear if they pulled apart to quickly. Without looking at Naomi again, Katie starts walking—arms wrapped around herself as if to replace Naomi—and she walks like that for a bit before turning and looking at Naomi with a bit of the old Katie back on her face when she says, "Well? Are you just going to like stand there and fucking gawp or are you coming?"
In Katie's bedroom, Naomi perches on the edge of Emily's bed because she still feels like that's where she belongs—on this side of the room where there are posters of bleach blonde women and sheets smelling of Emily. Katie just gathers some things from their wardrobe and walks back out the door, closing it firmly behind her and Naomi thinks that it sounds kind of like a goodbye or maybe just a dismissal so after a few minutes of pondering what to do she stands and walks to the bedroom door to leave it in her own way.
On the way out she smacks into Katie who just scowls at her and asks, "Fuck are you going?"
Naomi doesn't know how to answer—didn't even know it was a question until Katie asked it, all arched eyebrows and venom in her voice which suggests to Naomi that theres only one real answer.
"Nowhere I suppose."
Katie grunts and brushes by Naomi to get into the bedroom and all Naomi can do is follow in her wake. Naomi watches as Katie switches off the light and immediately curls up into a ball on her bed, stretching her extra large T-shirt out so that it fits over her knees and Naomi can't help but wonder how anyone can look that small. She pulls out one of Emily's T-shirts and exchanges it for the one she has on which has a wet shoulder. After a brief glance at Katie's bunched up back, Naomi slides down her skirt and slips into Emily's bed and it feels wrong—smelling Emily, almost like being wrapped in her arms—because really she's here for Katie right now.
Naomi's almost asleep when she hears Katie shivering and twitching about in her bed and she tells herself to stay put—it'll go away, whatever nightmare Katie is having. But after a few moments it's clear that it's not just going away and its actually getting worse because now Katie is making little strangled sounds like she can't breathe.
Without even thinking Naomi is off Emily's bed and over to Katie's and she wonders what it says about her that the decision was made with such ease.
She rubs Katie's back a bit and then squeezes her shoulder. Katie flips around with violent speed and grips Naomi's wrist tightly. Naomi can barely see Katie in the moonlight but she can see Katie's eyes. They're so fucking angry and hurt and she's gripping Naomi's wrist tighter and tighter until Naomi lets out a strangled, "Katie…it's me," and Naomi wonders when that actually came to mean something. But it's not just to her because Katie's grip eases immediately.
Instead of asking for an explanation or an apology, Naomi just keeps her hand where it is even though she's aware that the red ring around her wrist is screaming to her that she should pull it back—pull back before she gets further entangled in this.
But she stays. Just stands there with a hand extended in the air and its not really a question but Katie answers it anyway when she says it—voice quivering again, "I'm just so cold…so fucking cold."
Without a word Naomi lifts the duvet and slides under and it's a single so it should be cramped but it's not because Naomi's arms are so tightly wound around Katie and Katie is so fucking small that it's not much of a squeeze. It's a single but then again they feel like one person—wrapped in each other, neither completely whole—and it just feels necessary to fall asleep like this. Katie's head pressed into Naomi's shoulder and her nails digging into Naomi's hip because she's squeezing so tightly. It's not comfortable and it shouldn't be particularly loving or comforting like this but Katie can only think one thing—pressed against Naomi with those slender arms pulling her in just as much as she's pulling herself—and yeah, all she can think is,
I'm finally warm.