Author's note: I do not own James Bond, Alec Trevelyan or any other character from the James Bond universe I have simply borrowed them for my story. I only own my OC Alex who is Alec's twin sister. The story and ideas in it belong to me.(Except for any movie dialog.) In this chapter Alec is in a very dark place and is thinking about killing himself.(This chapter comes with a trigger warning for anyone who may not want to read things like this. Feel free to skip this chapter if you want, it shouldn't affect the over all story if skipped.) This chapter also mentions a beating that Ourumov gives Alec.

'Like Pieces Of Myself cut off in desperation as offerings to thee. They're good for conversation over a cup of tea, yeah, cup of tea.'-Conversation Piece-Savatage

Chapter 4: Pieces Of Myself

I walk into the bathroom on the train with a gun in my hand. I'm ready to do what Ourumov should have done nine years ago. It's time to end it all. I let out a long sigh and look at myself in the mirror. My scarred face will be the last thing I see.

I put the gun to my temple and get ready to pull the trigger. Just as I start to pull the trigger, someone knocks the gun out of my hand. They throw me against the wall and turn me to face them. That's when I see its Ourumov. He pins me against the wall and glares at me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ourumov asks.

"I'm doing what you should have nine years ago." I growl.

Ourumov's face gets red and he puts his hand around my throat. I can only laugh at this.

"What's so funny?"

"The fact that you don't have the balls to kill me." I say.

Ourumov's hand tightens around my throat and I struggle to breathe.

"Do you find this funny now?"

"Go on and kill me. Finish the job." I gasp.

"You think you're funny, don't you?"

"Perhaps."

"I will kill you." Ourumov says tightening his hand around my throat even more.

I start to see spots in front of my eyes as Ourumov slowly strangles me. My breaths are coming in ragged gasps.

"If you kill me, your plan will fail."

Ourumov lets me go and I slide down the wall gasping for breath. I sit on the floor trying to catch my breath when Ourumov kicks me in the ribs. I grab his foot so he doesn't kick me again. I don't know how much longer I can take his shit. I finally catch my breath and let Ourumov's foot go.

He grabs my collar and pulls me to my feet. He drags me from the bathroom and down the hall. We get to the bedroom and Ourumov throws me against the wall. My head hits the wall and I fall to the floor stunned. Somehow I know Ourumov might finally kill me.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't beat your sorry ass."

I say nothing as I'm too stunned to answer.

"Answer me!" Ourumov shouts as he kicks me in the ribs.

I let out a grunt of pain as his foot connects with my ribs. I have to come up with some reason. Ourumov kicks me again. A startled yelp escapes my lips as his foot connects with my back. I really think he's going to kill me.

"I said, answer me!" Ourumov shouts.

"I don't have a reason. Just get on with it." I say.

I lie on the floor and take the beating Ourumov gives to me. He makes sure not to leave a mark on my face. Ourumov leaves and I lay on the floor groaning in pain. Someone walks in the room and gasps when they see me. They walk over to me and kneel down next to me.

"What did Ourumov do to you?" Xenia asks.

"He beat me." I groan.

"Why?"

"Partly because I tried to kill myself and partly because I wouldn't answer him when he asked why he shouldn't beat me."

"Alec, are you stupid?"

"No, just crazy."

Xenia lets out a long sigh through her nose. She then helps me to my feet and over to the bed. I sit down on the bed with a groan. I then take off my shirt and throw it on the floor. Bruises are already starting to form on my stomach, chest and ribs.

Xenia lets out a gasp when she sees the bruises.

"Son of a bitch." Xenia says in Russian.

"Xenia, calm down. I'm fine." I say in Russian.

"You're not fine. Ourumov nearly killed you."

"He should have killed me nine years ago."

"Why didn't he?" Xenia asks in Russian.

"Hell if I know." I say.

"You have to know." Xenia says.

"He's holding my past over me." I quietly say.

"I'm sorry Alec."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"Why?" Xenia asks puzzled.

"Because I'm sick of being pushed around and used. I'm done."

"Done? You mean you want him to kill you?"

"If he kills me I don't have to finish the job myself."

Xenia says nothing and lets out a long sigh. I let out a sigh and look at the floor. I'm over being Ourumov's pawn. I have no control over my life anymore. Honestly, I haven't had control over my life since that day nine years ago when I was taken hostage.

I remember nothing from before I became known as Janus. I don't even know if Alec Trevelyan is my real name. The life I had before this had to be better. I must have a family and maybe some friends that miss me. Someone help me please.

I lie down on the bed and close my eyes. I fall into a fitful sleep that lasts the next two days. I can only hope that when I finally drag my sorry ass out of bed, Janus doesn't appear. What I've become because of Ourumov's brainwashing scares me more than he does. That's what makes me want to end my life more than being Ourumov's pawn.