And still can't stop hoping

Summary: AU: Neville was named the Boy-who-lived. Harry's mother died giving birth to him and his father blames him for her death. And if you already have an heir in your family who really needs someone like Lucas Harry Potter?

Disclamer: Nothing but the idea, some new characters which you don't know from the books 1-6 are mine. Anything else like the characters belong to J.K.Rowling, I'm only using them ;)

I'm sorry, that you had to wait soo long...but sometimes, real life is just too busy for our tastes ;) But I promise that if many review the next chapter will be up this weekend! And thanks again to searinox for your great work! Thank you:)
Samantha Aswad

Chapter 3

Harry had been in the Dursleys' house for just two weeks and he already hated it. But this time there wasn't a chance that he would let himself hope for a change. He had given that hope up the same night he had decided to not listen to his father anymore – even if it hurt.

He had hoped that his life would improve, but nothing had really changed. Instead of being at least able to hide in the library or learn more about potions, he had to work the whole day. And all his books were in Potter Manor and the Dursleys didn't have anything useful to read, not that he would have the time for that between chores. But on the bright sight, he wasn't hit or slapped. Not being physically hurt was a great improvement. There was still the emotional pain the Dursleys inflicted, though- he couldn't help but listen to the humiliating comments his "family" made.

No, instead he had to clean his fat cousin's room, the kitchen, the living room and just about everything that was possible to clean. But he had a room for himself (even if it was small and with lots of broken toys he wasn't allowed to throw out) and he got as much to eat as he wanted. But he felt more like a house elf than anything else at the moment.

Today his task was to clean the basement. He was, for once, not miserable as he was working. There were old things that were just interesting to look at even if he didn't really have the time to watch all the photos he found. He even put some extra care when cleaning an old mirror that stood forgotten in one of the corners of the room.

As he was dusting one of the boxes with his hands, the broomstick behind him fell suddenly with a loud "thud" to the ground and Harry jumped so hard that the box fell down and all the papers inside were thrown to the ground.

Harry sighed and sat down next to the box. It didn't take long to notice that they were all letters. He knew that he shouldn't read them because they obviously didn't belong to him or even concern him, but he was so curious that he glanced at each one as he stacked them neatly into the box. Halfway through, he saw something that made him stop. At the end of one of the letters was written in elegant script, "With love, Lily".

Harry sat there for over five minutes until he finally decided to read the letter. He had never had anything from his mum; he just remembered how, when he had been younger, he had always been punished because he looked too much like her. But then he'd grown up, and his resemblance to his mother had vanished.

Cautiously he unfolded the letter and read its contents.

My beloved sister,

I know that you probably don't want to hear more from me but I write you anyway because I knew how curious you are. And I have really happy news…

I'M PREGNANT AGAIN!

I was so happy to find out that I'm again pregnant and again with a little baby boy. I can't wait till Lucas is here.

At this point Harry looked confused at the letter. Why Lucas? But then he just shrugged his shoulders and continued reading. Maybe they changed their minds later about his name.

I now that he will be a strong little boy, especially with his feet. He just loves to kick me when I have my hands on my stomach. I think he wants to show me that he's really here. Not that there is any doubt as I'm in the seventh month now.
Like I already said…his name is Lucas, Lucas Harry Potter to be exact. You know that we named Jonathan after James and his middle name after our grandfather and so we named Lucas after my name and Harry after James grandfather Harrison.
I now that he will be just a lovely boy and I will love him with all my heart. I don't think that anything could every change it.

I hope to hear from you soon! Someone told me that you are also pregnant with a baby boy. Please tell me about it, Pety! Do you have a name yet?

With love,

Lily

Harry never saw his own tears until they made his glasses blurry. Slowly he took them off and looked again at the letter. Carefully he folded it and put it into his jeans pocket while slowly standing up. As if in a trance, he walked over the newly-cleaned mirror and looked at himself.

His glasses were still in his hands and it already changed so much about his face. And then he remembered again the days when he had been beaten for looking too much like his mother. And how he wished that he wouldn't look like her anymore and the beatings stopped because his father wasn't always reminded of her when he saw him.

And now, as he was looking at himself, he wondered if that was the reason why he felt sometimes so uncomfortable in his own skin. Because it wasn't really his, not like it was meant to be. But there was only one way to find out if his suspicious was correct.

He closed his eyes and thought that he wanted to look more like his mother. No, that felt wrong. He wanted to look how his mother wanted him, like he really was. That's it.

And as he opened his eyes he looked into the face of a stranger. A face he didn't seen in a very long time but which felt more familiar than his other face ever had. His hair was tame, and now a few strands that normally stood high in the air were falling into his face, hiding the scar on his forehead. His eyes looked much bigger and more intense without the glasses and his face was finer, his cheekbones higher. Even his nose and lips were different even if he couldn't say what made them different.

He softly touched his face but he let his hand fall as if burned as his aunt's voice screamed that he should make lunch. With a last look at his face he closed his eyes and thought about looking like before again and as he opened his eyes he saw the face of the familiar stranger looking back at him.

With a last sigh and a longing glance to the mirror, he made his way up to the kitchen. But as his fingers found the letter in his pocket he couldn't help but smile.

At least his mother had loved him.

Harry stood nervously in front of his new class. His aunt and uncle probably only let him out of the house because his da…James had said that it was necessary. Otherwise, he'd probably still scrub the kitchen floor.

School started today and only for today his aunt and uncle brought him here with his cousin. With the words 'You have to remember the way by yourself and we won't pay the bus ticket for you,' they had driven him and Dudley to school. Dudley would take the bus the next time. He of course got his bus ticket, because he was the perfect son.

Harry was pretty sure that they could have taken the money from what James gave them but they probably wanted to have it for themselves. Harry didn't have any illusions that he was totally unwelcome and the absolutely normal house of the Dursleys. But it wasn't really his choice to stay there and now he had really other problems to worry about.

School. With lots of children. And Harry had absolutely no idea how to interact with them. He would thank his brother for that next time he saw him.

But then he banished his sarcastic thoughts and eyed his new class curiously but also a little bit unsure. Maybe there was a friend for him somewhere…

Immediately following that thought he was scolding himself for hoping that he may find a friend. He never had friends, and if he allowed himself to hope that it was a possibility, he would only get hurt.

He really should know better by now, but still…

Who could blame a ten year old about wanting to have a friend? He told himself that everyone would probably hate him like everyone else but still there was this hope that just wouldn't leave him alone, that he may be wrong. Maybe a friend was just waiting for him.

Sadly, his cousin had probably already told everyone in his class what a freak his cousin was. Dudley usually called Harry "Freak," but sometimes he would think about some other words to call him – none of them were friendly, and most of them oughtn't to have been in Dudley's vocabulary at all.

At first it had hurt that his own cousin thought of him as a freak but when Harry understood that his cousin hated him so much because he was a wizard, he could ignore the comments. He just told himself over and over again that there were a lot of people like him and not all were freaks.

But it wouldn't stop the tears that sometimes came at night.

Finally, the class started and everyone was looking at him. Some were looking interested and some, like Dudley and his friends, already hateful. Harry just hoped that Dudley would leave him at least alone.

Harry really should give up hoping.

---

It was lunch break of his first day in school and he already hated it. He hated Dudley and his friends for trying to beat up the boy that had wanted to get to know him. He hated the boy for being so weak and just running away just after Dudley told him that he would regret it. He hated the other children for being so frightened of a few boys and for ignoring him. He hated the teachers for not seeing what happened in their own school.

And he hated himself for hoping.

And as he stood alone in one of the corners of the school playground he really began to hate hope. He began hating the laughing children and how they would talk and play with their friends. Would hate how they were so happy without a care in the world.

And because he didn't want to cry just because he wasn't like everyone else, didn't have a friend like everyone else, he began hating friendship.

Firmly, he told himself that he would never need a friend. There just weren't any friends for him in the world, and he should just accept that and get over it. That's what he had been doing for all of his prior life, after all.

And so he shot a last, dark look at the carefree children before taking out a school book and began to study.

He didn't need friends.

He didn't.

And maybe, if he would keep repeating it, he'd believe it someday.

He didn't need friends.

So...here is finally the third chapter. Liked it? Didn't like it? Please review!

Galleon-to-Galleon: yes, there will be Slash, but you have to wait really, really long for that, because Lucas is only 10 right now...and he needs a bit time to "grow up", don't you thing ;)

LooneyLoopeyLupin: Ah yes...the BWL-thing...I fear that this topic won't be discused for a really long time because it doesn't really matter that much in this story...

HarbringerLady: Dark side...what is the Dark side? He won't be "light" that for sure but what exactly he will become...I think, we'll just have to wait and see...and review, of course ;)

grincat : Yes...Lilys opinion would be really interesting, but I think, everyone can guess, that she wouldn't be "very happy" with James...

jka1: I just tell you one thing...one of your wishes will come true...but which one...you'll see in the next chapter, I promise ;)

flower123: What I will tell you, that yes, he is going to Hogwarts... but in which house he will be in, is still a surprise ;)

Thanks also to momocolady and visbond for their reviews!

So ...thanks for reading!
Chau,
Sam :)