Learning to Live

After our last argument Lily and I had an unspoken agreement, we wouldn't mention what had happened; we also wouldn't get on each others cases so much. So far it had worked pretty well. A few mishaps on my side, but she got me right back up. I was beginning to feel like my old self, be able to laugh with my friends at lunch, though I still caught their awkward glances flashing between the three of them fairly often. It seemed more natural, and I was glad to be back.

Christmas was coming up fast, less than a week away. I was so thankful that all my friends were staying including Lily; I was beginning to depend on them.

I was up for my usual check up in the Hospital Wing. I was sick of these visits, even if I needed them, I couldn't handle the tedious questions that never changed.

"How have you been?"

"Same as last week, better."

"Have you felt any of the signs coming back on?"

"Nope."

"Can you see any reason for that to change?"

I sighed, "No, I can't see any."

"Well Mr. Potter we're going to take you off your dreamless sleep potion. You seem to be coping so much better than five weeks ago. Let me know if there is any change."

I was speechless, "Umm… yeah ok." I must really be getting better, the thought thrilled me. Too finally off the Dreamless Sleep shit they keep feeding me. I shuddered, tasted like the smell of old socks.

I left the hospital wing, and headed out in the castle, it was the last Hogsmeade visit before Christmas. I just needed to wander, silence was slowly beginning to help me again, and I was able to sort my thoughts now, instead of drown in them. Lily had been right, I need to keep on living my life it's what my family would want.

I set off to find Sirius. He wasn't that hard to find, especially since I had the map. He was in the Library. It was a good thing I did look at the map or else I never would have found him. Sirius and a Library? Two words I never thought would be connected. When I got there I found him hiding behind some a stack of books.

"What are you doing?"

"Hiding what does it look like, now either hide with me or get away. You're giving me away." Sirius whispered from behind the books. I sat down.

"What are you hiding from?"

"There's this one girl, and she won't leave me alone. So no one would think of looking for me in here. Wait… How did you know to look for me here?" I held up the map. "Ah so I'm still safe, good." I laughed I couldn't believe Sirius' logic sometimes. "So what's up?"

"There letting me off that disgusting potion I was on," I said grimacing.

"Hey right on, means your getting better right?" I nodded. "You know James; you had us really scared for a while. We didn't know what to do, I think if you hadn't gotten hurt I would just been like fuck it, he needs help."

"Thanks Padfoot, I'm glad you did have to step in though. Would have made this even harder than it already was," I lowered my head, I was embarrassed still couldn't believe what I had put them through the last few months.

"Don't mention it Prongs, just glad to have you back." He smiled at me, sat up and clapped me on the shoulder.

Just behind me I suddenly heard a shrill voice, "Siiirrriuss, there you are I've been looking everywhere."

Sirius shot up, "Gotta go, catch ya later." I laughed, leave it Sirius to have to run away from a harmless girl, or not so harmless once I got a good look at her. That made me laugh even more.

"What's so funny?" Lily asked sitting down and moving the stack of books that had been Sirius' hiding place to the side.

"Oh just Sirius, you know the usual girl troubles." Now she laughed. I hadn't really looked at her, like really looked at her for a long time, she looked good.

"You can always count on that to stay the same around here," she said still laughing.

"Yup, you sure can he's one of the few things that does stay the same."

"Well there are other things that stay the same too, like you. You went through a phase but I guess you have always been a pretty ok guy, very dependable. I mean look at you and you can't help but laugh." The smirk never left her face, as she was saying this.

Now I don't normally read between the lines, but I couldn't help it here. She said I was dependable. Now maybe not quite in the right context, or for the last couple of months, but overall I was dependable and that's got to count for something.

"You know me, Mr. Dependable." I said going along with the joke. "Though I'm pretty sure that when I used to want a good laugh you would get all pissed at me, and tell me off. Sound familiar?"

"You were so dependable on giving me the right reaction, so easy to pick a fight with you, still is."

"Oh I wouldn't be so sure about that, when was the last time we fought about something that actually made sense, other than you know that one fight like two weeks ago." I hadn't realized where I was going with that sentence. It kind of stung but I could get past it.

"Well I guess it was last year on the train when you asked me out, again," putting a lot of emphasis on the again.

"Well I could do it again, you know for old time's sake." She would hate that. I could still remember all the comebacks she used to give me, she had a lot of creativity that was for sure.

"Old times sake… yeah," she said quietly, seeming very distracted.

That had not been the reaction I was expecting. I figured she would have snapped at me. Told me not to fall back on old habits, which I wasn't planning on anyways, fat lot of good it did me. Lily was still starring off into space, "Earth to Lily, hello, you there?"

"What…huh, oh yeah sorry. Listen I just remembered I have to do this thing. So I'll see you tonight, bye." She scampered off. That was the weird Lily never did stuff like that, she was so focused, all the time. I didn't let it bother me. I groaned as I picked up my bag and pulled out the 13 inch essay I had due on Wednesday, great.

Later that night I was headed up the common room, I realized I still hadn't told Lily that I was free from the awful shit she kept forcing down my throat, finally. It was stupid how they thought I would get addicted to Dreamless Sleep, it tasted gross. Whatever I wasn't going to argue, but I was beginning to get the feeling Lily was enjoying watching me choke it down.

I entered the common room to find Lily sitting on the couch in front of the fire, just staring. It was the second time I had found her just staring. It was odd, sense she was regularly so focused.

"Hey Lily, everything all right?" I asked sitting next to her.

"Huh, what? Oh yeah everything's totally fine." She stuttered looking startled.

"Ok, well I just wanted to let you know that I'm finally off that gross stuff you've been forcing me to take," I smiled at her.

"Oh that's great."

"Yeah," I looked at her from the corner of my eye; she still seemed distracted, "so I'm just going to head off to bed. See ya in the morning." I glanced back at her once I was on the stairs; she was still staring at the fire.

The next few weeks were so much better, I slept fine, I acted fine, and everything felt fine. Lily still was not herself, I found her in so many of those stares that I had lost track. It was Christmas Eve, not a day I was looking forward too. The Marauders, Lily and I had just been hanging out; everyone had gone to bed with plans to see each other in the morning.

As soon as I was in bed I knew something wasn't right, I just ignored the feeling. I knew I was going to be busy in the morning, so I just pushed any unease I felt from my mind and crawled into bed.

I was woken up by Lily shaking me two hours later. Her screams for me to calm down mixed with my screams.

"James calm down its ok it was just a bad dream," she pulled me up and held me whispering into my hair, it sounded like she was trying to calm herself down as much as she was trying for me.

"I know, I know," I was still shaking; I hadn't dreamed that dream since I had been put on the Dreamless sleep. I figured since I had been off it for two weeks I would be alright now. Guess I was wrong.

Lily was so tiny compared to me, it felt like I should be the consoling her, not the other way around. "Thank you," I breathed into her hair.

"No problem, it's what I'm here for," she said as she pulled away and looked into my eyes. "Well mostly…" she trailed off.

I looked at her than, I couldn't help myself, I could feel myself being drawn in. I couldn't have stopped myself if I wanted too, and I certainly didn't want too. Our lips touched, and my body just took over, I wrapped my arms tighter around her, and pulled her onto my lap. She was responding just as enthusiastically, her hands were in my hair, pulling my face closer. She deepened the kiss. I could feel her heart beating to the same beat as mine. We broke apart minutes later, almost drowning in each other, the need for air was that bad.

"Wow," I panted, not totally from the lack of oxygen.

"Yeah, I'll just head off to bed now; you seem to be ok now." She got up and all but ran from the room. Her face was the colour of her hair.

I lay back a smile on my face. My dream was totally forgotten.