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Title: Loss
author: Cindy Ryan

Leonard McCoy found Jim Kirk in the place he should've looked first. Never mind that it was barely six in the morning. Jim met McCoy's gaze in the mirror behind the wood bar. It didn't surprise Bones that Kirk was still in his dress uniform from the day before. Too many damn funerals but the one yesterday had been the toughest.

"I'm in no mood for a lecture, Bones."Kirk stated taking a sip of whiskey.

The bar was a few blocks from Fisherman's wharf. The only other occupant of the bar was the bartender. A female alien with light red skin who's race escaped McCoy's recolection at the moment.

"How many has he had?"Bones asked the bartender as he slid onto a stool next to Kirk.

"Since he arrived or this morning?"The woman replied with a hint of a smile.

McCoy waved her off. "Never mind; think I can guess."

"Just toasting an old friend, Bones. Harm in that?"Jim asked his words starting to slur.

McCoy hid a wince. He knew what Pike had meant to Kirk. That on some hero complex level Jim probably felt he could've done more to save his mentor. Pike's funeral the day before had been attended by all the remaining top brass of Starfleet. There had also been quite a few cadets and those currently serving. Everyone had wanted to pay their last respects. Bones had been waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop with Kirk. Waiting for Jim to allow himself to be human. To step out of the Captain's role.

"I haven't had the chance to say this,"Leonard began quietly. "I'm sorry about Pike...I know he was family to you."

Harsh grief and anger flickered across Jim's blue eyes before it faded. Kirk downed the remnants of the whiskey before he slammed the glass down on the bar and slid it to the bartender.
McCoy caught the glass before the alien did and shook his head. She got the message smiled at Jim and retreated to the back room.

"Not a smart move today, Bones."Kirk muttered.

Bones let go of the glass and set it aside. He turned to face Kirk as he leaned against the bar. "You're not the only one that lost people, Jim. The crew..."

"I know exactly how many crew I lost, Bones."Jim snapped as he stood and stalked away from the bar stopping in the middle of the room.

"The ones remaining need their captain."McCoy continued as he joined his friend. "They've not only lost friends but they thought they lost you."

Jim nodded his fists clenched tightly at his sides as he looked past McCoy to the bay beyond.

"Maybe Starfleet was right about me, Bones."Kirk stated grimly.

"I know you don't believe that any more than I do."McCoy responded.

Jim walked over to the window. "How many times did I nearly get my crew killed?Uhura going toe to toe with the Klingon's, Scotty stuck on Marcus's ship, you jumping off the cliff..."

McCoy moved to the window choosing his words carefully. He knew the dark place Jim was in; had been there several times himself. Maybe not with the added weight of command but still wanting to bury himself in a bottle of whatever nearest strongest alcohol was available.

"We survived those moments because we had faith in you."McCoy stated. "Pike had that same belief that's why he pulled your ass out of the fire so many times."

Kirk rubbed a weary hand over his face. "They gave us a five year deep space mission, Bones. I don't have the experience for that."

"Nobody does that's why it's called life experience."Leonard replied grimly. "I once told you space was a disease but you turned around and told me that Starfleet operated well in that god for saken vacuum. Starfleet gave you the best crew, the best ship in the fleet for a reason."

Kirk sank down onto the edge of one of the small tables.

"I can't attend any more funerals, Bones."Jim stated softly. "I can't send any more letters back to grief stricken parents and spouses. I can't lose any more family."

"We're going to heal from what Khan did and move on."Bones replied solemnly."It'll take time but we will. That's what the human race has always done. Healed from tragedy and moved on."

Jim stood slowly staring out at the bay for a long moment before turning to face McCoy.

"Thanks, Bones."Kirk stated simply.

"All part of being chief medical officer."McCoy replied with a grin.

"Dragging captains out of bars?"Jim quipped as he went back to the bar.

Leonard chuckled. "No just do that for friends."

Kirk nodded as the bartender reappeared and he settled his tab. Turning he walked out of the bar and McCoy followed.

"Think you can handle a five year mission?"Jim asked with a grin.

"Somebody has to keep you out of trouble."McCoy responded with a smile."Can only imagine what type of crazy fool plans you'll come up with."

Jim laughed and Bones smiled happy to hear the sound. Kirk had a long road of healing ahead of him; they all did. McCoy had no doubt that Jim Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise would be just fine.

"Ready?"McCoy asked as he took out his communicator.

Jim nodded as he felt the pockets of his uniform. "Seem to have misplaced mine."

Bones snorted. "Yeah, that's why it took me so damn long to track you down."

"Thanks, Bones."Kirk states sincerely.

Leonard activated the communicator. "McCoy to Enterprise two to beam up."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "Thought you hated the transporter?"

"Always will."McCoy grumbled..

"Dr. McCoy stand by for transport."The female transporter tech acknowledged.

"Have to get used to it eventually, Bones."Jim commented with a grin.

"Worst invention ever."Leonard responded gruffly just as the transporter beam caught them.

end