Chapter 4

'That was an excellent meal,' said Griselda, leaning back in her chair and beaming at Ross and Chandler. 'Pizza is fine, but that was the real thing.' Hilda agreed enthusiastically, and both Ross and Chandler sat up a little straighter and looked rather pleased with themselves.

'So,' said Griselda, drawing it out. 'What now, boys?'

'Well, ah,' said Ross, a bit uncertainly, 'maybe you would like to come back to my place for coffee?' He was looking directly at Hilda.

'Good idea,' said Griselda. 'I've never seen your place, Ross. Maybe we could drop by –' she glanced at Chandler with a sly smile – 'just for a while.'

Plainly this was not what Ross had intended, but he agreed politely enough. The men paid the check and they all set off for Ross's apartment. It was a fine evening, and there seemed no need to hurry. Just as they were passing Central Perk, out came Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey. Ross, who had Hilda on his arm, seemed to stiffen, and Chandler's face took on a strained expression as he tried to look nonchalant. Monica and Rachel gasped, then stomped past with their heads turned away. Joey also looked embarrassed; only Phoebe grinned and said 'Hi,' in a natural way. Ross and Chandler replied guardedly, Griselda and Hilda warmly. Being closest to Phoebe, Griselda was also able to give her a large wink without being seen by the men.

'Um – won't this cause trouble for you when you get back?' said Ross in a worried voice.

'Don't worry about it,' said Griselda confidently. 'We can handle it. After all, it is just a date, isn't it?'

Ross gave a hollow laugh. 'Well, if you can handle those two when they're in a bad mood, you'll be doing better than Chandler and I.'

'You just have to know what to say,' said Hilda. 'Of course, it's probably easier for us. It's not like we're in love with them or anything.'

Chandler snorted. 'Neither are we.'

'No?' said Hilda. 'Well, anyway, you have been. That must make it more difficult, with all those memories of happier times surfacing whenever you see them.'

Chandler's face twitched. Griselda laughed. 'No looking back, though, eh Chandler?' she said cheerfully, punching him lightly on the shoulder. 'Put all that behind you. Plenty more cows in the herd.' Chandler turned his face, but Hilda thought she detected a wince.

Once they were inside Ross's apartment, Griselda and Hilda wandered around, exclaiming over this and that, while Ross made coffee and Chandler sat in a chair and stared into space, not looking very happy. When Ross brought the coffee to the table, Griselda took a seat between him and the door, while Hilda was similarly placed by Chandler.

'Okay, boys,' said Griselda. 'Time for a little talk.' The tone of her voice brought Chandler's head snapping round. The manner that she had assumed all evening, and to some extent throughout her stay, was gone. The Griselda who had survived dozens of tight corners and dangerous encounters was with them, playing idly with her knife.

'What – what is this?' stammered Ross.

She smiled at him. 'It's all right; this is not a shakedown. I just want to talk. You see, I'm very fond of Monica and Rachel, and I'd like to see them happy, and since they can only be happy if they are hooked up with you guys again, seems like, I aim to try to make that happen.'

'Well, you can talk, but we don't have to listen – at least, I don't,' said Chandler, starting to rise. Hilda pushed him back in his chair. 'Oh, but you do,' she said softly. 'Believe me, it will do you so much good.' She grinned at him and tapped her teeth with the dagger that had appeared in her hand.

Chandler swallowed. 'You wouldn't hurt us.'

Griselda balanced her knife on the one finger and looked at him. 'Can you be absolutely sure of that?'

Ross couldn't see the look she gave Chandler, but it seemed to pin him in his chair. 'You can't force us to take up with Rachel and Monica again,' he protested.

Griselda turned to him. 'Of course not. I simply want you to listen to me. I've thought a lot about this love business, and I would like to give you the benefit of my thoughts, which I hope will make you see things in a different light.'

'It will take a lot to argue away what they did,' Ross growled.

Griselda gave a derisive laugh. 'Hark at him! I suppose it's understandable in you, after Carol, but you have got this whole thing out of proportion, and you have infected Chandler with your bitterness. Why are you so hung up about this thing? Which, I would point out, was over even before you and Monica got together, Chandler.'

'How do we know that?' said Chandler darkly.

Griselda began to laugh, joined after a moment by Hilda. 'We're staying there, we're sleeping there, you dummy,' Griselda spluttered. 'Don't you think we'd know?' Her laugh stopped suddenly, she stiffened, and her expression changed from apparently genuine amusement to equally genuine-seeming fury. 'Do you think I'm lying, maybe?' Her gaze flicked to Ross. 'You got a view on this too?'

Ross pushed his chair backwards as if trying to get away from her. 'No no, your word is good enough for me,' he stammered.

'I'm sorry,' said Chandler in a terrified-sounding voice. 'I didn't think.'

'Right,' said Griselda, relaxing. 'Of course, I could be trying to scare you into believing me – better men than you have been scared when I put on my look – but honestly, I'm not. I swear, nothing has been happening between them, and I think it's been that way for a long time.'

'Which is surprising, when your behaviour is giving them every excuse for it,' Hilda put in.

'But why go with each other?' burst out Ross in apparent anguish. 'Why not go to men?'

'Which would you prefer,' said Griselda, pointing her knife at him, 'that Rachel turn to Paolo or Monica for comfort?'

Ross hesitated, then said, 'Well, Monica, if that were the only choice.'

'Which would you prefer, that she have a little affair with Monica, or start something with Mark?' said Griselda.

Ross was silent for longer, then said, 'Monica, I guess.'

'Why?' she said, leaning forward intently.

'It … it wouldn't seem so serious, would it?' Ross stammered. 'I mean, it would hardly lead to a serious relationship.'

'You, Chandler,' said Griselda, turning the knife round to him, 'would you rather that Monica took up with Richard again, or that she had a little affair with Rachel?'

Chandler gulped. 'I wouldn't want her going back to Richard,' he said. 'That was serious.'

'You see how it is,' said Griselda triumphantly. 'When you start thinking of them with this person or that person, it changes things.You can be jealous of another man, but you can't really be jealous of Monica or Rachel. If they'd gone outside the family, as it were, to other women, then you might have a point. But no, what happened, as I see it, was that here are two people who are very close; for a while, when they were both unhappy and feeling at a low point in their lives, they got closer. It broke up because it wasn't what either of them really wanted. What does it matter that they did things with each other? It was all in love, and I doubt if it involved anything that you haven't done with them.'

Her fierceness seemed to stun the men into silence. Then Hilda spoke. 'You know, I think all of this stems from some deep-down feeling that you don't deserve them. You have to have the confidence that you do, that they genuinely did love you and want you back. Because they are so attractive, part of the time you think of them as perfect women, far beyond you. But, as you recognise the rest of the time, they have their flaws. Monica is obsessive about cleanliness and has a strong tendency to be bossy and competitive. Rachel is rather lazy and not a great brain – she's never likely to share your scholarly interests, Ross. But if you were ready to love them in spite of their faults, be sure they feel the same about you. As they say in my world too, nobody's perfect.'

When she'd finished, the men looked much brighter. They glanced at each other rather sheepishly; then Chandler spoke. 'Okay, I want Monica back; what should I do? But I'll say this: I don't want to have to crawl.'

'Don't worry,' said Griselda. 'It's all allowed for in the plan. I'm not about to let them think they can take you back purely on their terms; they'll get their talking-to as well.'

'Wait a minute,' said Ross. 'This was part of a plan? Were they involved in the planning, by any chance?'

Griselda smiled at him. 'You are a true scholar, Ross; you pay attention to details, and very little gets past you. Okay, I admit it, this was planned with them to some extent, but' - she held up a hand to ward off Ross's outburst – 'they couldn't have put on that show half so well if they hadn't meant it on some level. You have hurt them deeply. But as I just said, they'll get their talking-to as well, because we certainly don't think they're entirely blameless. In fact, you'll all have to change a bit if this is going to work.'

Ross looked interested. 'What are you going to say to Rachel?'

'Ah ah ah,' said Griselda, wagging a finger at him. 'That's my secret, apart from one thing, which I might as well say now because it affects you as much as her. You are both going to have to put the whole thing about your first breakup behind you, once and for all. No more attempts at justifying your behaviour, on either side, and especially not from you. This is one argument you are going to have to lose. Better to admit that you were drunk and miserable and did something stupid that you bitterly regret.'

'Okay,' said Ross, 'I'm willing to try. In fact, if you can ensure that Rachel will never again throw Chloe in my face when she's pissed with me, I'll be a very happy man.'

'I doubt she would do that, if you were truly together again,' said Hilda.

'So, what now?' said Chandler.

'I have no doubt they are expecting us to bring you in roped and tied,' said Griselda, 'but that's not the way this is supposed to happen. You are going to have to keep away for now, while I talk to them. Find something to do, other than getting drunk, which men are too fond of doing to ease tension. Remember, this may take a while: it's often very hard to get a woman to give up what she considers is a justified grievance.'

'Let's go to Joey's and play foosball,' said Chandler.

'An excellent idea,' said Griselda. 'You'll be right across the hall when we want you. Just don't follow us too closely.'

When Griselda and Hilda walked into the apartment again, they found Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe sitting around the table. All looked up with hope in their eyes, which turned to disappointment when they saw that Chandler and Ross did not appear.

'It didn't work, did it?' said Monica, her face crumpling. 'Oh God,' she wailed loudly, 'Chandler doesn't love me any more,' and she began crying at full volume. Rachel, Phoebe and Hilda all rushed to her, but they had hardly begun trying to comfort and reassure her when the door flew open. 'Leave her to me!' cried Chandler, and more or less pushing the others aside he knelt down beside Monica and put his arms round her. 'Of course I love you,' he said. 'I've been a total fool, and a jerk, and I don't deserve you, but if you'll take me back I'll try never to do it again.'

She turned to him, smiling through her tears. 'Really? You mean all that?'

For answer, Chandler took her face between his hands and kissed her passionately. She responded so enthusiastically that the others felt they were invading their privacy and moved away.

'Hi,' said a voice from the doorway. There stood Ross, looking very hangdog. 'Chandler couldn't keep away,' he said, 'and neither could I. Rachel,' he looked directly at her, 'what can I say except that I'm sorry for everything? Sorry for causing our breakup by being so crazy jealous, sorry for being mean when I knew you wanted to get back together,' – his voice dropped – 'sorry for not trusting you.'

He held out his hands to her. Slowly she came forward to take them, her eyes fixed on his. It looked as if they were just about to kiss when Griselda snapped 'Hold it!'

Everyone looked at her. She did not seem pleased. 'This is just what I was afraid of,' she said. 'You men barge in here and spoil all my careful planning. Still, all is not lost. Rachel, isn't there anything you want to say you're sorry for?'

Rachel held her gaze for a moment, then looked at Ross. 'Yes,' she said. 'I'm sorry that I said what I did in the first place, and especially that I didn't go after you to explain.'

'Anything else?' said Griselda.

Rachel swallowed. 'I'm sorry I wrote that stupid letter trying to make you take all the blame for the breakup.'

'And?' prompted Griselda. 'You remember something else you did a bit later?'

Rachel hung her head. 'I'm sorry I said what I did when we broke up the second time, although' - she looked at Griselda defiantly – 'he didn't have to say what he did, either.'

'Fair enough,' said Griselda. 'Now you may kiss.' Which they did, to everyone else's satisfaction.

'Should I say sorry to Chandler for things too?' said Monica in a small voice. Everyone turned to her. Griselda smiled. 'It's good that you offered without being pushed. Maybe this is a better way to do it, after all. Well, can you think of anything?'

Monica sat back from Chandler, who looked at her expectantly. 'I know that I've irritated him by being too controlling sometimes,' she began hesitantly, 'and I know that my obsession with cleanliness bothers him more than he'll admit.'

'It's not so bad,' Chandler said. 'At least you're not Janice.'

'Chandler, don't,' said Griselda in a deadly voice. 'You really must try to control your urge to make jokes every time things get emotionally tense. This time I mean it.'

Chandler seemed to shrivel under her glare, causing Monica to hug him and look at Griselda angrily. 'He can't help it,' she said, 'with the childhood he had.'

'Excuses!' said Griselda sharply. 'Lots of people don't have ideal childhoods. Look at Rachel, and Phoebe even more; but they don't have this joking thing. Chandler, I don't mean you should never make jokes; you're good at it. But if you keep doing it in emotional situations you could drive a wedge between you and Monica. When they're being serious, women like a serious response. Now, Monica, anything else you want to get off your chest?' She fixed a very dark look on Chandler as she said this. He nodded and kept his mouth firmly shut.

'I – I shouldn't have put you off after the wedding,' said Monica to Chandler. 'I knew then that you were in love with me, but I was afraid to take the step. I told myself it was better not to risk what had happened to Ross and Rachel, better just to stay friends. And I'm sorry if I made you feel bad this morning.' She looked appealingly at Griselda. 'I don't have to say any more, do I? I mean, about – '

'No,' cut in Griselda quickly, 'I think that ought to do. Now you've all admitted that you have regrets about the past or other things to be sorry for, and you don't need to keep harking back to it. Let it all go, and start again here.' Her lips twitched as she remembered something from a weird show that she and Hilda had caught while channel-flipping, in which the actors spoke with quite different accents from New Yorkers. 'This parrot is dead.'

Taken by surprise, the others laughed. 'Boy,' said Phoebe. 'You should stay here and set up as a shrink, Griselda. You're much better than that guy Roger I used to date.'

'What's a shrink?' said Griselda, suddenly at a loss.

Hilda giggled. 'You haven't been reading their magazines. It's properly called a psychiatrist' - she stumbled over the pronunciation - 'someone who has studied the way people's minds work and tries to explain people to themselves. As for this Roger, Phoebe, I've heard about him, and I've got to say, anyone who seems to think his job is to make people feel worse about themselves, and appears to enjoy doing it, is never going to make a good psychiatrist.'

The rest all looked at her in amazement. 'Of course,' said Monica. 'That's what he was doing.'

'And, Ross,' Hilda continued, 'you're a scholar. You should never have let him get away with putting forward all kinds of crazy ideas and then, when you raised perfectly reasonable objections, say he had no answer. Oh, if only I'd been there: I'd have taken him apart.'

Phoebe clapped her hands. 'Maybe you should both be shrinks, and I'll be your secretary.'

'Yes, and why the hell did you let him get away with suggesting that being a chef is a failure in life?' said Griselda fiercely. 'Monica's a lot more use to the world than he will ever be. I would have carved him into cutlets, if he'd tried to get stuff like that past me.' She flipped up her knife to demonstrate.

'Well, it's all a long time ago now,' said Ross in a pacifying way. 'No permanent harm done.' He smiled at Griselda and Hilda, looking very much the old Ross as he stood with an arm around Rachel. 'You've done a wonderful thing for us, guys. There's no way we can thank you enough.'

Griselda actually seemed embarrassed. She blushed, looked at the floor and mumbled something. Hilda was less abashed; she smiled back and said, 'We did it because we love you, and you have been very good to us.' Then she clutched her head. 'Oh, not so soon!' Griselda threw up her hands, crying, 'Just one more night, please.' The others joined in calling for one more night, and came forward to hug Griselda and Hilda as if to hold them in New York by force. The strange feeling built in Griselda and Hilda's heads for a little longer, then died away. They relaxed, and smiled at their friends.

'Evidently, whatever-it-is is feeling friendly,' said Griselda. 'Okay, let's make the most of whatever time we have left. First off, I challenge all comers to foosball.'

'Challenge taken,' said Monica, grinning widely. 'I'm gonna beat your ass this time.'

'In your dreams,' said Griselda, grinning back, and they all trooped over to the other apartment, laughing and chattering, as happy as they'd ever been.