So much for getting a glass of water.
What… did you just hear…
Slowly you move back to your dark room (careful enough to make sure your dad doesn't hear the creaking of the floor on your way back), only a glimmer of sunset shining through the dark curtains. You sit down and suddenly start hysterical crying again. Hands find their way to your face, rubbing furiously to try and keep the tears away. "It's okay, John. It's okay…" you try and reassure yourself. But it's actually not. You know it's not okay. It's not going to be okay. "Don't cry…" you whimper into your hands and grit your teeth. "D-don't cry…"
You hate this. How… how did something like this happen? Why you? What did you do?
Tears keep flowing from your eyes, and your hands eventually give up along with the will to sit up. You lay crying, limbs shaking on the bed for a while.
You feel discusting. Every part of your body. Knowing Karkat wasn't… the first one to touch you like that…
You where dirty before him.
You weren't able to give him yourself fully because someone had already TAKEN that from you. Taken every sense of intimacy that you could ever possibly feel. Taken your innocence and stolen your pride. Is there anything even left of you now? You don't think so. Softly you move off of your bed and force yourself to stand in front of your mirror. Look at yourself. Your hands travel down your shoulders and to your chest, examining carefully. You're… discusting. You dig your nails into your own skin as your knees shake. But you keep staring at yourself, trying to find anything. Anything.
Your fingers run graciously over your hips and you shiver. Closing your eyes to memories you never wanted to see.
"Just close your eyes Johnny it's fine. I'm gonna take care of you. You're my favorite you know, out of all the other little boys and girls. They don't understand yet, you're a very smart little boy…"
Your hands claw and scratch your hips roughly. No. no no no…
"Good boy Johnny. Good. You know I wouldn't hurt you right? Your very mature. Do you know what that means?"
Suddenly the fall to the ground again, and slam your head against the mirror. "No. No it's not true…" but the boy in your heart nods because you know it is. You know it's true…
Slowly you lift up the sleeve of your shirt and scratch your wrists hard, barely breaking skin as the itching begins to sting. You stop and curse under your breath, pulling down your sleeve and grabbing at it in agonizing pain. "A-ah…" You begin crying again and bash your head against the mirror again.
"John. John are you okay?" your boyfriend is next to you, kneeling down and grabbing your hands away from your stomach. You feel the sudden need to be close to him, hold him, love him. "I-I'm so sorry Karkat!" you cry desperately, wrapping your arms around his neck and clinging close to him.
"Fuck… John don't cry…" he tries to sooth you and rub your back but you just keep crying, digging your nails into the fabric of his shirt and shaking. You love him. You love him so fucking much… You want him to love you too. As much as you love him.
"Karkat? C-can you please stay here tonight…with me… in my bed…" You feel the need to elaborate; usually your sleep overs consist of him in a sleeping bag and you in your bed but not tonight. Tonight you want him to hold you throughout the whole night…
He nods and helps you up, holding you tightly as you walk back to your bed and lay down and he crawls in next to you. "John… I don't want to have sex…anymore…" you hear him strain a bit on the way out and you sniff. "What? Why was I bad? I'm sorry…"
"No. You where fucking amazing I just. I don't think you're ready for what I'm ready for. I won't do anything you're not okay with and if sex is one of them…"
"Karkat." You stop him and rub his cheek. "It's not you, Karkat. It was amazing...M-maybe I'm just not ready yet… I… I'm glad you… where my first, though." You hug him tighter and squeeze your eyes shut. You hate that you feel like you just lied to him and you feel him wince.
You know he knows.
"John I…" his hands find your hips and wraps his arms around you quickly. You look up at him and bite your tongue. "I love you, so fucking much sometimes I can't stand it. I can't think I can't sleep I can't BREATHE without knowing your okay." He whispers and you close your eyes and listen to his words. So soothing and warming. "I love you too Karkat…"
Your wrist stings until the second you fall asleep, but it feels good… really good. You deserved it.
And that thought scares you to death.
(A/n- Hey guys. I really appreciate all your reviews and support it means a lot to me. I'm really interested in this story and hopefully I'll be updating regularly, which is usually every night at around 11 oclock. If not it will come the next morning. Keep on with the beautiful reviews guys, you really rock!)