LocalXmusicXjellybeanX: Thank you for your review.
Fae 206: Thank you so much for your kind reviews. I'm happy I was able to write about cancer and the deceased with respect. The reason Blaine didn't do anything in the chapter was that it probably wouldn't have added something to the story, and I am trying to keep conversation to a minimum. I'm glad you think that I managed to get the characters right- I'm doing my best and again thank you so much for your reviews.
And guys guess what!? I'm still not a doctor! And I don't really know anything about drugs either so… I'm writing to make things suit with the storylines.
IMPORTANT NOTES ABOUT THIS CHAPTER DOWN BELOW
If you think this chapter is dishonoring to Finn Hudson or Cory Monteith, I am very sorry that it would be your opinion. But I can tell that no matter how dishonoring you think it might be, that was not my purpose and I'm really doing my best not to be dishonoring.
I would recommend that to reading this chapter you should all grab a box of tissues and someone to hug.
D is for death
I groaned and rolled over in bed when my cellphone called. The room was cold and pulling my arm out from the warmth of the covers to reach for the phone on the bedside table made a shiver go through my body. As I wrapped the quilt around me and took the call, not minding to look who was calling at the screen.
"Mhm Carole Hudson." I mumbled groggily of sleep while wondering who would call at two in the morning. But something in the tone of the young man who answered me that made me worry that something was going on. And it was really bad.
"Mrs. H?" Oh my, how many times would I have to tell Noah Puckerman to call me by my first name? I wondered at first, but only before a split second before I realized that Noah had a stressed out, worried tone in his voice, I had only heard him use it once before and that was why he came in with his sister to the ER- Sarah choking by an anaphylactic shock and he didn't know if the then- five- year- old girl was going to make it or not.
But there was too something I didn't recognize- he was slurring as if he had been drinking. And through the split second while I was trying to wake up enough to take in what he had said and answer one worst- case- scenario after the other played up.
Burt rolled over and looked up at me with tired eyes when I had raised myself on an elbow, he sat up and looked to me, I turned the speaker on as I had a feeling that Burt too needed to hear this.
"I'm in… I'm at Freeman hospital, I'm alright but… but Finn." I felt a gust of worry in my body as he mentioned Finn and then stopped, it was a couple of seconds before he continued again. "I… I don't know. I think you'd better get here… I'm running out of batter…" The phone beeped when Noah's phone ran out of batteries and it went all quiet.
I more or less jumped out of bed, Burt did the same. I found a shirt and pulled it on while running down the stairs with Burt right after. I don't know how- but I managed to get a coat and shoes on while Burt ran around looking for his car keys and pulling his own shoes and coat on. And without me really knowing how we were soon in the car and on our way to Freeman hospital.
There was a forty five minutes' drive to the hospital- maybe we were able to get there in half an hour because the road was so empty this time a day. But it could just as well have been a year I sat in the passenger seat, twisting my hands while Burt squeezed the steering wheel, staring at the road.
At last I was running up towards the door at the ER, I ran into the waiting room and looked around to spot Noah sitting by a wall. He was resting his elbows on his knees and his eyes were closed, I looked around, but Finn wasn't there and I decided that asking Noah would be the best way for me to find out what was going on.
Noah had kept slightly leaned forward with his eyes closed. I laid a hand on his back and sat down on the chair next to him while talking to the young man.
"Noah- can you open your eyes and look at me?" He opened his eyes just a little, looked to me then looked straight forward where Burt had stopped, standing with his hands in his pockets. Noah looked up at Burt without moving his head from its spot and suddenly his eyes shot open. Before either I or Burt had the time to react he coughed, choked and threw up over the floor, his own hands and shoes, and Burt's shoes.
That was when I realized Noah Puckerman stunk of alcohol. Why I hadn't realized it earlier I couldn't think of a reason for. He closed his eyes again, then opened them again and looked at me.
"What happened Noah?" I exclaimed, he took a couple of deep breaths, Burt had gotten a trash can and now placed it in Noah's knee. I saw some of the people in the waiting room, sending disgusted glares towards our direction. The janitor came rushing talking in a language I didn't understand- but could recognize as some Scandinavian language- and he was definitely angry. A nurse came rushing as well, brought napkins and a basin. Then she disappeared again and I tried to confront the teenager again.
"Noah? Please can you tell me what happened?" He looked to me, then opened his mouth. His voice sounded tired and raspy.
"A few weeks ago…." He was interrupted when a doctor came into the room, and raised his voice over the chattering in the room.
"Finn Hudson?" I looked up, then rushed over to the doctor, Burt came after supporting Puck who did not seem so steady on his feet. I heard myself stutter questions if my Finn was alright- if I could see him, but it was like I was listening to myself from the other side of the room. The doctor took a deep breath and held up his hands to silent me before he spoke up.
"Mr. Hudson was brought in here with an over- dose of mixed alcohol and amphetamines." Amphetamines? No- no there would have to be a mix up somewhere. Not my Finn he'd never do drugs. He wouldn't do that- not to himself. It felt like hours- but was probably just a second before the doctor continued. "His heart and brain have… been damaged badly. We have done everything we can for now- but if he's gonna make it we need to do a quite big operation. And even if we do it… I can't give you any guarantees."
The room started spinning, I closed my eyes and then opened them again. I had understood what the doctor had just told me- I had been the one to tell this kind of news to many more than what I could tell. But it was like I couldn't take it in. I signed the papers that was needed for the surgery to get done, and then sat down again. Burt pushed Noah onto a chair two seats away from me and then sat down in between us.
We had barely sat down when another nurse came rushing into the waiting room. I recognized her as Annie Charles, she had worked at Lima memorial with me in the ER until she moved a couple of years ago. She came into the room, looked around until she spotted me, I stood up as she came over and embraced me.
"They're taking him into the OR now." Just as she said that doctors came pushing a bed in front of them. And already before I could see his face the tall, muscular body- build was easy recognizable as my Finn. Without thinking I pushed Annie out of the way and rushed to Finn's side. I wasn't aware of the fact that Annie told the doctors to stop for a moment as I ran to Finn's side, carefully pulled a hair over the brown tresses and kissed his forehead.
"I love you." I whispered. "Stay strong okay. You're gonna be fine." I pulled away again, Burt laid his hands at my shoulders, as we walked back to Annie and Noah. Annie was talking to Noah, he nodded a few times, and then Annie stood up and faced me.
"I can give you a room here until Finn's surgery is over. I can give Noah some muscle relaxants so he won't be sick too much. Then something against the headache and an IV- you can all have a bed to sleep in. It would be better than just hang around here for the whole morning." I nodded as Annie led me through the ER and into a room furthest down the hall. Burt had scooped up Noah and came after me, laying the teenager down in the first of three beds in the room.
Annie set an IV in Noah's arm, gave him some pills and then embraced me one more time. Then she told us to come out and ask for her if there was anything we needed. When she walked out Burt crawled up in the middle bed, he asked me if I wanted him to stay awake but I just shook my head and just minutes later his snoring seemed to be echoing in the quiet room.
I myself- I pushed the bed over to the wall and sat down and used the wall as a back- support. The clock on my cellphone read 3:15, an hour had passed since I got that phone call. But it felt like everything had passed so quickly, but at the same time it felt as if several hours should have gone by.
I rested my head backwards and watched Burt sleep, he had rolled over to his side and therefore he wasn't snoring as bad anymore, his shoulders and chest move in rhythm with his breathing. He looked so peaceful- I could sit like this for hours and watch Burt sleep. I used to do it at night when Burt had cancer, as if to be sure he was still breathing and staying with me.
It was too hard keeping still so I walked over to Noah's bed. I felt his forehead with my palm and then ran a hand over his hair. That was when I realized his hair was drenched in something. I could tell probably some alcoholic drink by the smell. But it had dried and created big clumps of hair. I thought for a moment, then walked out of the room and found Annie, I asked her where I could find a bowl with water and a couple of clothes, she smiled. Told me that she'd get it and I walked back.
"Aren't you afraid you might wake him up?" Annie asked me when I dipped one of the cloths in the water and washed of Noah's face. I looked up at her, then shook my head.
"I've known Noah since he was a little kid- believe me- world war three could pass right on the street and he'd sleep right through it." I said it more of an old habit than to joke, as I dripped water down on his hair and started brushing through it with my fingers. "I need to keep on going- this is going to be a long night and there's no point with just sitting right up and down staring in front of me." Annie nodded and walked out of the room.
I continued washing of Noah's hair with the cloth and like I thought he barely even reacted. I did it for much longer than I'd actually have to, to keep myself going mostly. Just to keep my mind of what was happening to my Finn for the moment.
Twenty minutes past four in the morning I poured out the water in the sink in the room, and then I sat down on the bunk again. I had slept two hours since yesterday morning but falling asleep now felt like something that would be impossible.
At a quarter to five Annie came into the room, she held two paper cups with locks on them and smiling she came over and climbed up on the bunk next to me. She handed one of the cups to me, I thanked for it and took a sip. I was tired but I would never be able to sleep so the hot coffee would do well for the moment.
"So?" Annie exclaimed. "What has it been since I moved… five years… six?" I counted and found out that it would have to be almost seven year ago since Annie had left memorial behind. I answered that and then Annie looked around the room, first to Puck- then to my husband. "So what's happened since then?" I nodded to Burt.
"I got married a few years ago." Annie nodded surprised. I nodded towards my still sleeping husband, then told her our story- more to have something to do than because I thought she might want to hear it. Burt woke up during the hour I and Annie were just sitting there talking and then came and sat down by me. After some while I, Burt and Noah were left alone again with Noah just waking up. I asked him about what had happened again, he took a deep breath and then started telling.
"It was a few weeks ago and I dragged Finn along to a party. He had been pretty stressed out for a while, lot to do in school and that stuff. Kumrath and his gang was there and they gave Finn amphetamines. He wasn't planning on taking them but he thought he'd take them just to keep awake longer and study more- you know that kind of stuff. Then he took more and more and- he took them more because he couldn't stop. So tonight there was a birthday of one of our friends and- we went out to the bar. I didn't think Finn had taken anything but he must have gotten some pills at the bar… and he drank as well…. And then some guys were pretty much pouring their beers over my head and- I thought I'd go home, take a shower and then go to sleep. I couldn't find Finn at first but then… I found him behind the bar, and I couldn't wake him up."
I put my head in my hands, I couldn't believe it. Not drugs- not my Finn. I just couldn't believe it. I knew that it was true but it felt like there would have to be some mistake- he wouldn't do drugs. My heart ached with the knowledge that he had. I flinched when the door to the room opened and Annie held the door open to a doctor whose tag named Dr. Brandon Carter.
"Mrs. Hudson?" He exclaimed, I nodded, I could see in Dr. Carter's eyes that something had gone very wrong. As he opened his mouth and spoke. "I'm afraid we've got some bad news for you." He began talking about terms and scenarios that I could barely understand at the moment, and then it came. "He's basically brain-dead. The respirator is keeping his organs alive but there is nothing more we can do now." I sunk to my knees, it was like a cold hand had gotten a grip of my heart and lungs. I couldn't breathe. I felt as if my heart should stop when Finn wasn't here, but I could hear it pounding in my ears. No- No not my Finn. Not my little boy.
Dr. Carter led me, Burt and Noah through the hallways at the hospital and at last into a room where there was only one bed. Finn laid upon there, his eyes were closed and there were wires and machines attached to him.
Beep, beep, beep
The respirator was keeping Finn's heart beating, it went beep with each and every one of them. I sat down on a chair that had been placed next to the bed, then lifted a hand and stroke over his dark- brown tresses, as so many times before. Burt and Noah stood on the other side of the bed, they said something but I couldn't take in what it was.
"Can… can I have a moment alone with Finn please." I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. Burt nodded and laid a hand on Noah's shoulder and the two men walked out of the room. The doctor walked out and closed the door behind him. I kept on stroking Finn's hair, opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't think of anything at first so I closed it again. For several minutes I just sat there stroking his hair, at last I opened my mouth again and spoke to him.
"Hey sweetheart." I began. "I… I love you so much. But I want you to know that… it's alright. You can let go now. I'll be alright." I tried to make my voice sounds steady and secure even though I was almost crying and I was highly doubting the fact that I'd ever be okay without my little boy.
"I… I am so proud of you Finny. Don't you ever think something else because you have been so fantastic and so brave. And I love you so much, and that's why I want you to know that it's alright to let go now." I took his big hand in my empty hand. "I'll be okay…. Say hi to dad for me okay? We'll meet again, but until then just… just be strong." I stood up, leaned over and kissed his forehead. "I love you so much. All the way to the stars, eight laps around and back again." Without knowing what more to say I started humming on don't stop believing, it was his favorite song. I had used to sing it when he was little so it meant a lot for the both of us.
I hummed through the first verse of the song and then suddenly the respirator started beeping faster when Finn's heart was giving up. Dr. Carter came rushing into the room, checked the machines as Burt came rushing to my side and Noah stood a few meters away still as a statue.
"Do you want me to…" Dr. Carter hadn't finished the sentence when I shook my head. I kept on stroking Finn's hair and felt an endless love to this young man- who would never grow older than nineteen. But I knew this was the time to let go, as I continued stroking his hair when Dr. Carter turned the respirator off and then checked his pulse and breathing.
"Time of death… six thirty seven A.M." I leaned forward over my Finn's chest and started crying worse than ever. I couldn't breathe and the pain was unbearable, as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. And yet I couldn't believe it, not drugs, not now, not gone.
"Sch, you need to breathe love." Burt said and rubbed circles on my back. I gasped trying to fill my lungs with air but it hurt too much. Burt continued talking in a soothing voice, rubbing my back while I grabbed- as off cramp around my Finn's hospital- gown.
And I could just barely hear his voice over the sound of my heart falling to pieces. And even though I knew it was true I just couldn't believe it. He couldn't be gone.
Not my Finn, not my little boy.
This chap was going to follow a while longer but that will instead come in a few chapters as I felt it would just destroy this chapter…. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD these feels.
English is not my first language.