If Only
Prompt: (seasons 1-3) Castle is a "celebrity death hoax" victim
Kate doesn't even bother unpacking her suitcase when she finally arrives at home. She wheels it into her bedroom, lays it in the middle of the floor, and walks into her bathroom to turn on the bathtub faucets, allowing the tub to fill with steaming water. She pours a bubble bath mixture into the running water, then undresses slowly, throwing her clothes haphazardly onto the bathroom floor, and finally sinks herself into the hot water, sighing with relief.
It has been a long day—a long week, really. She and Castle just returned from Los Angeles a couple of hours earlier, and the trip has left her exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She had known the trip would be taxing, both due to the time changes and the investigation of her former partner's murder. She hadn't been expecting to have to deal with her feelings for Castle amid all of that, too.
She reaches to her discarded jeans on the floor and pulls Royce's letter from one of the back pockets, unfolding it gingerly and reading his words for what feels like the hundredth time.
"It's clear that you and Castle have something real. And you're fighting it. But trust me, putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder 'if only.'"
Royce was right—she was fighting it—and she hates to admit it. She's been pushing her feelings for Castle away for so long, trying to pretend as though they didn't exist. But they've only been growing stronger, especially over the past few days. She's known for a long time that Castle cared for her, but had no idea that he cared enough to accompany her to Los Angeles, not letting her go through all of that alone. Two nights ago, in the hotel suite, she could have told him how she felt. But she'd gotten scared, retreating to her bedroom instead. She can't help but wonder what would be different now if she'd admitted to her feelings then, instead of running.
If only.
She sighs and re-folds the letter, placing it back into her jeans pocket, and picks up her phone, opening up her news app to catch up on the events of the past two days. The first article that she sees makes her heart stop.
"Breaking news! Award-winning author Richard Castle was killed in a car crash this evening in New York. Mr. Castle, 42, was…"
She stops, unable to read any more, her eyes widening in terror at what she's just read.
No. He can't be dead. She just saw him a couple of hours ago. He was at the airport with her. He called a cab for her after they picked up their luggage. He bade her goodbye, that proud smile on his face, his love for her clearly showing in his eyes…
He can't be dead. He can't be. This can't be real.
Frantically, she checks the top of the article, hoping it was posted days ago, hoping for some sign that it's a hoax. When she sees that it was posted only thirty minutes ago, she feels her heart catch in her throat.
If only.
She rises quickly from the tub, not even bothering to drain the water, and towels off, methodically putting on the same clothes she'd just taken off moments earlier. She doesn't allow herself to think, walking numbly out her front door. When she exits her apartment building, she begins walking aimlessly, not thinking about where she's going, but allowing her feet to carry her. She walks blindly, only halfway paying attention to the sights and sounds around her. All she can think about is him.
I never even got the chance to tell him how I feel. And now he's gone.
No. He's not gone. He can't be dead. He can't be.
If only…
It seems like only moments have passed when stops, realizing that she's standing outside of his apartment building. She looks up to his floor, and darkened windows stare back at her, a jarring reminder of the absence of the one who gave life and light to the loft. Before she can stop herself, she walks through the building's front doors, ignoring the doorman's greeting as she hurries up the stairs—she's too impatient for the elevator—to his floor. She reaches his doorway and knocks, praying that he answers, but knowing that he won't. She steels her resolve, expecting Martha or Alexis to open the door.
Oh no. What if they don't know yet? What if she has to be the one to break the news to them?
Her heart begins to pound in her chest, and she feels her knees growing weak when the door suddenly swings open.
"Beckett? Are you okay?" a deep voice asks. A man's voice. His voice.
She raises her head and finds him standing there, his brilliant blue eyes looking at her with concern. She studies his face in disbelief for a moment, her breathing shallow and rapid, and she can feel her pulse quickening.He's alive.
"Rick," she breathes. "You're… you're here…"
Her knees give out below her, and she falls into his arms, allowing the pent-up sobs to finally burst from her chest. He says nothing, but holds her, enveloping her in an embrace and supporting her weight against him. She presses her ear to his chest and listens to the steady beating of his heart, each pulse reminding her that he's alive; he's here; he's okay.
"God, I was so scared," she chokes out between sobs. "I thought you were dead, Castle. I thought…"
"Oh, no," he sighs. "You saw that article, didn't you?"
She nods, and he chuckles. "I started getting phone calls, text messages, and emails like crazy the moment I got home," he says. "Everyone was checking on me to make sure I wasn't dead. Apparently, I died in a car crash. That's news to me."
"It's not funny, Castle!" she scolds angrily, pulling away from him, hot tears still falling from her eyes. "I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again."
"Shh, Beckett," he soothes. He gently places his palm on her cheek, brushing the tears away with his thumb. "It's okay."
"No, Castle," she says, pulling herself out of his reach and looking into his eyes. "It's not okay. Because I thought that I'd waited too late, and that I'd never get the chance to tell you how I feel… how I've felt for…." She looks down, suddenly embarrassed, avoiding his gaze.
"The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder 'if only.'"
"I love you, Rick." The words seem to burst straight from her soul. "I've been fighting it, because I was scared. I was so stupid." She takes a deep, shaky breath and closes her eyes. "I'm sorry, Rick. I'm so sorry…"
She feels him wrap his arms around her body, and before she has a chance to protest, he pulls her into his chest. He places a hand under her chin and gently raises it up, and her eyes meet his.
"Oh, Kate," he whispers. "I've been waiting so long to hear you say that."
He cups her face in his hands as he leans in closer to her, and she raises herself to her tiptoes, bringing her mouth to his.
The kiss is everything she dreamed it would be, and more.
Author's note: For those of you following and wondering how I'm updating so quickly (three chapters in two days!), these are things that I've already written, over the past month or two, but published only on my Tumblr, and not here. I'm dumping them all here now, for everyone's enjoyment. Each time I fill a prompt or write a one-shot on Tumblr, I'll add it as a new chapter in this "story."
That being said, if you choose to review (which I'll love you forever if you do), please be careful to attach your review to the correct chapter, since I consider each to be its own entity.
So yeah, I'm not that quick of a writer. This is a summary of two months of writing, and it will only grow from here!