Title: Figure It Out On The Way
Summary: Rory and Jess. Analyzing. Over-thinking. Trying to learn to love each other. And knowing that you have to start somewhere.
A/N: My self-esteem depends on your reviews. Well, not entirely, but it sure does make my day brighter when I read your kind (or not so kind) words!
IV. So Totally Worth It
He didn't profess his love for me. He didn't pull me into his arms and rub my back and whisper sweet, calming nothings into my ear while I cried. He didn't even really talk at all- didn't open up and show me that he trusted me enough to be a little bit vulnerable.
No, he didn't do any of those things. Peeking at him through the curtain of my hair and through my tear-blurred eyes, I saw him struggling with himself though. I could almost feel the invisible force that was pulling him away from all of it- pulling him safely away from the intense, emotional, dramatic, crying girl in front of him. And then I could see him battling his own conflicted thoughts- part of him wanting, no doubt, to cut his losses and run; and the other part that still had him standing, stock-still, in front of me.
It felt like forever, but eventually, he took a step toward me. He sat next to me. He said my name, and he told me wasn't going anywhere. He looked like he was trying so hard to say more than that- but he couldn't quite get there.
And at the time, I guess that was enough. I accepted it as the best he could do right then, and I think I had some idea of how much even that had cost him.
He's not used to this. He's not used to people who want to be close to him; he's not used to loving or letting others love him. He's not used to worrying about what someone else needs, and he's not used to giving them those things. Somehow with Jess, isolation and freedom have gotten inexplicably twisted up together, until he feels like he's giving up one if he's giving up the other.
And I understand that about him. But I also understand that I deserve all of those things that he's not capable of giving. That I need all of those things.
Some part of me believes he wants to learn to love, though. Learn to love me. And that we can get to that point. And that, even though it might be painful sometimes, sticking with him through this will be so totally worth it in the end.
He's got this uncanny way of making me feel like the whole world's a possibility, if that makes sense. He makes me feel bright and burning and a little bit dangerous. Sort of like standing on the edge of some vast precipice- that thrill of adrenaline you get, knowing that with one misstep you might fall so far down. It puts you on edge, to be sure, but the panoramic, stunning view is awe-inspiring enough that the whole thing still makes you feel you truly alive.
So I let him put his arms around me. And I sigh a little as he shifts my weight towards him, and I let myself kind of melt into his warmth. He feels good. He always does... and I think to myself, I could get used to this feeling.
Part of me wants to force a conversation. Part of me wants to clear the air and make him tell me what's going through his head- how he feels about what's happening between us, how he feels about me, how feels about Stars Hollow and Luke and his mother left behind in New York... I want all of it. I want to know him- all of him, every last bit and I'm fighting the urge to still be angry at him for always being so taciturn. Because as much as I'm used to being an open book, he's that used to being closed. And I know that I'm not the only one in this relationship that can be scared off.
Yelling at him for not opening up was probably not the smartest thing to do. But I think I had tried to convey all those things to him already, without getting angry and emotional, and I didn't get much of a response.
Or any response, really. So maybe the yelling was called for. And honestly, sometimes you just can't help an emotional breakdown. We Gilmores tend to be famous for those, every once in a while...
But I guess he got the message. And he didn't run. I'm glad for that. It kind of makes me think that maybe, if we're careful and kind and as honest as we can be in whatever way we can be, that maybe this will work.
I realize I'm wasting this moment over-thinking things and analyzing, in typical Rory Gilmore fashion. So I try to let my thoughts go for a second, and just smile and enjoy the feel of his body next to mine.
And it still feels right.