Chapter Three – James and Sirius Drive a Car

A/N: Imagine the scene in Zoolander when Derek and Hansel are trying to figure out how to turn on the computer. That was the image in my head when I pictured James and Sirius trying to drive a car.

Disclaimer: Nothing's changed so far.

Still, life went on. James and Lily passed their exams and became full-fledged Aurors. This did a lot for James' already healthy confidence, and he and Sirius often went around holding their hands like guns (Lily had explained the concept to them while forcing them to sit through a James Bond movie) and humming to themselves, trying to be furtive, when they fancied a laugh or were just bored. Their marriage was fine. Everything was fine. James could hardly believe his good luck. He finally had what he wanted – the girl of his dreams, a badass career, and a place of his own. There was just one small problem.

James had intercepted another letter from W. Fields via Artemis. The gist of the letter was basically: pick up the damn car before someone steals it. James didn't want Lily to go back to the house, afraid that they would run into Petunia again (she was scarily bitchy, James thought with a grimace.) There was only one option in his Marauder mind: he would have to Apparate to Sheffield, get the car, and drive it back to Godric's Hollow. He threw a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace and called, "Sirius! Leaky Cauldron at 7:30!"

"BAHAHAHAHA!" Sirius was laughing so hard, his face was bright red and he fell off his barstool. "Prongs, my compadre, that is the worst plan I have ever heard, including the time you tried to dye your hair in the second year when you heard Lily say she liked blondes."

"Yeah, but are you in?" James pressed.

"I'm so in," Sirius agreed, still shaking with laughter. "I can't wait to watch you cack this up, Prongsie."

James rolled his eyes, but had to laugh all the same. "Cheers, then," he said, clinking his glass against Sirius' and taking a long sip.

***

"Have you ever done this before?" James asked Padfoot apprehensively. Sirius shook his head, eyeing the car as though it would come to life and run them down by itself. They'd gone to Mr. Fields' office for the keys before Apparating into Lily's old bedroom again. It was clear that Petunia had cleaned the place out after James and Lily had Disapparated, as the room was completely deserted, as was the house. They'd made their way to the driveway, where the burgundy Crown Victoria stood, menacing, like a cat waiting to pounce. "Okay," James said. "Let's think this through. What did Lily do when she drove that car in Canada?"

"First she got in," Sirius said hesitantly. There was a short squabble over who actually had to drive. James lost and ended up in the driver's seat, clutching the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. They buckled their seatbelts. "Now what?" Sirius asked, staring at all the dials and buttons.

"You have to put the key in somewhere and twist, I think," James said, staring at the dashboard. "Um…where would a key fit? Where did Lily put it last time?"

"No bloody idea," Sirius replied, preoccupied with opening and closing the glove compartment over and over. They stuck the key anywhere they thought it would fit, including the heating vents, the tape player, and a crack between two of the seat cushions that wasn't even supposed to be there before James found the ignition, inserted the key, and twisted. The radio burst to life and Led Zeppelin came blaring out of the speakers. "AHHHHHH!" both boys yelled, fumbling with all the different dials on the radio console before they found the volume dial and turned the music down.

"Right, so we've started the car," James said, and Sirius nodded, white as a sheet. A bit more fiddling around, and they'd put the car in drive, found the gas pedal, and pulled into the street, with much lurching and sudden stops and starts. Padfoot found a map in the glove compartment, and was put in charge of finding the freeway. "How can Muggles do this every day?" James asked incredulously as they pulled onto the highway, surrounded by speeding cars.

"Okay, so we just stay on this road until Exit 223B, whatever that is," Sirius noted after checking the map. The Led Zeppelin tape had run its course, and now the car was silent, save for the rushing noises of the cars around them and the terrified, rattling breaths of the two wizards. After about an hour on the road, James and Sirius noticed flashing lights in their rearview mirror. "What the buggering hell is that?" Sirius asked, hearing a siren.

"Ambulance boats sound like that," James noted, remembering an unfortunate incident involving Lily, himself, a gondola, and a Venetian canal.

"Yes, but we aren't in the water, James," Sirius replied, a little exasperated from the stress.

Just then, the police officer got out his bullhorn. "Bloody hell, pull over!" he shouted into it, and James pulled off onto the side of the road. The officer stomped up to the car. James, not knowing how to roll down the window, opened the door instead. "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" the officer demanded, thoroughly pissed off.

"Erm…no?" James asked. Sirius looked about ready to wet himself.

"200 kilometers per hour, that's how bloody fast you were going," the policeman snapped. "I have no idea how you could even do that without realizing. I'm writing you a ticket for reckless driving and endangering other drivers. License and registration."

"What's a license?" James asked. Sirius poked him – clearly this was not the right thing to say. The policeman turned a strange shade of puce and drew his handcuffs out of his pocket.

"Right. You're coming with me." He made to snap the handcuffs around James' wrists, but Sirius drew his wand and shouted, "Obliviate!"

The officer shook his head, looking dazed. "Right. Well. Off you go, then." He got back into his car and drove off, leaving James and Sirius to restart their hearts.

"Maybe we should use magic," James said, shaking. Sirius nodded. James tapped the steering wheel with his wand, and the car pulled out onto the road, rumbling along in the center of its lane at a perfect speed, and the road trip was completed without any more trouble.

***

"You did what?" Lily asked, her face a bright red. James and Sirius hadn't returned until the sun was beginning to set, and Lily had been beside herself. "You cannot be serious!" she yelled, before slapping her hand over her mouth. "I mean, um, how could you, um, oh, sod it. Just get it over with," she told Sirius, putting a hand over her eyes.

"Why yes, Lilyflower my dear," Sirius replied, grinning wickedly. "I am Sirius." Lily and James both groaned, beyond tired of that pun.

"Let me get this straight," she grumbled. "You Apparated to my parents' house in Sheffield, got the car, and drove it back here?"

"Um…yes?" James squeaked.

"Why, pray tell, didn't you take me with you?" she asked. "I know how to drive!"

"I – erm," James stuttered. Sirius nudged him under the table. Charm, he mouthed, and James took a deep breath. "I didn't want to make you go back there," he said, a bit more firmly. "Much less force you to drive your family car more than two hours back to our cottage."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're making it really hard for me to be mad at you, James," she groused, and James smiled. Mission accomplished. "I am married to a complete bonehead."

"By the way, Lily," Sirius piped up. "What's a license?" Lily groaned, poured herself a large mug of tea, surreptitiously added a splash of Firewhiskey, and settled herself in a kitchen chair, warming up for a long explanation.