Disclaimer – See chapter three for reference to 1 and 2
REPOST of chapter 4 finally here.
I am SOOOOO sorry about the length of time it took to get this here but my computer died again not long after I got it back… How annoying is that?
Thanks to everyone who sent the wonderful reviews. They were filling my mailbox when I got my computer back :)
Chapter 4
Kurt slowly opened his eyes as consciousness returned. Underneath his cheek the pillow was damp and his face fur was encrusted with salt. It matted the fur uncomfortably together, but he couldn't make himself wipe it away. He felt drained and empty, as though even the energy to scrub his face had been siphoned from him and left him just a stringless puppet. It seemed like before he'd been holding so much inside, and, now that he'd cried it all out, there was nothing left. He was cold and hollow, those were the only words for it. Even the diffuse golden glow of the sun slowly cresting the horizon didn't warm him. He watched out the window as the brilliant orange disk slowly grew until even the slightest hint of the darkness was gone. He'd obviously slept through the whole night and his stomach growled at him to punctuate that fact. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep anything down if he ate though, so he curled up tight in the bed and let the whole previous, disastrous afternoon run through his mind over and over. He'd definitely screwed everything up now. After that little display no one would ever want to be near him again.
He didn't want to go back to school and face the inevitable looks and shunning that Paul was bound to favour him with now. Maybe he could convince the professor to send him to another school. He closed his eyes tiredly. Or maybe he could just disappear somewhere else. Surely the professor would send him anywhere he wanted to go.
His sensitive hearing picked up the sound of hesitant footsteps approaching his room in the carpeted hallway and from the sounds of it the person was one of the girls, Scott and Evan didn't walk as softly. A soft knock echoed strangely loudly in the silent room and he couldn't help sighing. Somehow he'd hoped to avoid this conversation, though how he didn't know. With great effort he opened his mouth to speak.
"Come in." The heavy wooden door swung open to reveal a concerned Jean. Her soft eyes pinned him to the pillow.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Kurt turned his eyes back to the blank area of wall he'd been staring at before and determinedly thought about nothing.
"I'm fine." Surely that sounded unemotional enough to satisfy her.
"You remember I'm a telepath right Kurt? I can feel the pain radiating off you from down the hall." Kurt squeezed himself into a tighter ball, trying to hide under the covers.
"Tell me what happened, I swear I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to." He felt the bed sag a little as she sat down on the edge.
"He vill probably never vant to talk to me again." He didn't state who. He suspected even without telepathic abilities there would be no need. Everyone would know he'd broken down and who had been there when it happened. No doubt most of the mansion occupants were talking about what had happened. Jean's hand landing softly on his shoulder made him jump slightly.
"Oh I wouldn't say that. From the brief mental images I got as Scott escorted him out I think he'll be back." Jean's hand stopped stroking his shoulder as Kurt sat straight up and gazed into Jean's eyes with his piercing gold ones.
"Do not play games vith me Jean. Nobody vould vant to come back after zat display." The hand returned to his shoulder at the sudden bought of self-pity.
"Kurt look. I've been sitting with you guys at lunch for weeks now, and in that time I've picked up a lot of stray thoughts. There's a reason Paul came straight over to sit with you on his first day, and why he's still hanging around when most people would have taken off." He couldn't meet her gaze anymore and he turned back to the wall.
"And you feel something too Kurt. Why else would you be so willing to put everything on the line for this friendship? You've successfully avoided making a single friend outside of our group the entire time you've been with us, why then is Paul so different? Maybe you don't know what you're feeling or why but I think you need to just live a little Kurt and just this time not think or worry about every single thing." She pulled him to her in a gentle hug.
"Eventually everyone has to put their faith in someone else and just trust. Maybe it's time you told Paul the truth." Kurt slowly extracted himself from Jeans comforting arms and looked down at his lap where his hands twisted nervously.
"I can't Jean. You don't understand vhat you're suggesting. I know vhat it's like to trust someone with a secret like that and it never vorks out. You and the other X-men are different. Ve are all the same to a certain extent. You can handle the truth about me, but to normal people I am not just a mutant, I am a freak. Deformed, hideous and repulsive." Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes as he looked back up at her. "I couldn't handle Paul looking at me like that." The tears overflowed down the already matted fur on his cheeks. "I just couldn't Jean. It vould also put ze rest of you in danger." Jean's soft exhalation chilled his damp cheeks as she shook her head slightly.
"I think you're wrong Kurt. I've seen inside Paul's head. Maybe not as deep or as well as the Professor could, but I can tell you he'd never betray a friend. And believe me in his mind you're worthy of his loyalty." She smiled at him then and wiped at the dampness around his eyes.
"I think you should do it soon though Kurt. I think this goes deeper than even you and Paul realize. You should sort this out before the other guys get the wrong idea. I haven't said anything to the other X-men because it's not my place to tell them about your thoughts and feelings, but Scott thinks that Paul did something to you yesterday and he thinks he needs to protect you from him." Kurt widened his eyes in horror.
"No! Paul didn't do anything! It vas my fault… it's always my fault." Jean's eyes narrowed slightly at him.
"Kurt, that's not true, it's not your fault you were born like this and it's not something to apologise for anyway, you are who you are. What happened yesterday was no ones fault, I saw Paul's mind, I know what transpired, and neither of you is to blame. You've been holding this in since the two of you met. It was inevitably going to reach a boiling point." He stayed there in her arms again for a few minutes while she rocked him gently like a baby. Then she stood up and pulled him to his feet as well.
"Now let's go see the others and let them know they can call off the man hunt ok?" Kurt pulled out of her grasp and grabbed the inducer off his bedside table.
"Nein. I vant to talk to Paul first." Jean seemed hesitant.
"Kurt I don't think it's a good idea to see him all alone in your current state."
"I have to Jean. I need to know exactly vhat is going on before I do anything else." He suddenly became shifty and nervous and couldn't look into her eyes. He looked down in shame.
"I don't know vhat is going on Jean. Is something wrong vith me? I don't understand vhat I should feel…" Abruptly he was pulled into a crushing embrace that felt almost as violent as it was compassionate.
"Don't ever think that again Kurt. Ever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything, even if you don't understand what's happening." She pulled back as quickly as she'd grabbed him and dropped to her knees so she could hold his face in front of her. She pressed her forehead to his then moved around to whisper into his ear.
"Always remember to follow your own instincts Kurt. Trust your own mind and heart. As long as you do that no one can ever tell you there is something wrong." She ran her hands comfortably through his hair then stood up again and smiled at him as she walked to the door.
"I'll tell the guys that you didn't want to see anyone right now and you just need some time by yourself so you went out." She paused as she lay her hand upon the doorknob.
"I know you'll need some time to think about things Kurt and you're probably very confused and upset but don't be too long." She turned around and winked at him.
"We don't want a rampaging Wolverine running amok downtown searching for you." Kurt felt a true smile on his lips as he switched on the inducer. He knew that underneath the joke Jean was serious about him taking too long. She didn't want him alone if he had a breakdown and she didn't want him at risk in his current state. He felt a lightness enter him at the knowledge that he had friends who cared so much about him and he already felt much better. But above that he felt an inexplicable enthusiasm to see the green eyed blonde boy again and apologise for what had happened. He didn't know if he was ready to spill any secrets but he knew that he would be soon, and for some reason that made him fill all the better. Jean watched with a small knowing smile on her face as he checked himself over to make sure the inducer was working normally, then voiced a question that hadn't even occurred to him.
"How are you going to find Paul? Today's a public holiday and you don't even know where he lives." Kurt just shrugged.
"I am not sure, I just have the feeling that I could find Paul anyvhere. It is like I can feel him inside me."
And with that, he gave Jean a jaunty wave and with a bamf was gone.
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As the smell of sulphur faded from the room Jean quietly closed the door, and smiled brightly to herself. She always felt it satisfying to help other people with their problems. She knew Kurt and Paul weren't out of the woods yet but her mood was light as she set off for the dining room to grab some breakfast. She saw Scott emerging from his room up ahead and called out to him to wait for her. He turned and flashed her one of his smiles.
"Hey Jean." His glass hidden gaze seemed to flash back down the hallway to her point of origin and his mood turned sombre in an instant.
"Any sign of Kurt this morning?" Ignoring his mood Jean slid her arm through his and turned him around and started pulling him along.
"Actually yes. He's gone to find Paul and talk to him about yesterday." She deliberately left out the rest. It was up to Kurt to work out his own mind and then decide who to confide in with what he found there, and she had a feeling even the small bit of information she had just revealed would have a negative reaction. Sure enough Scott wrenched her to a dead stop.
"He did what? You can't be serious!" She smiled with fondness at Scott's predictability and held up her hands to placate him.
"Look Scott, I know you're suspicious of Paul's motives but I can assure you there's nothing sinister about them." Surprisingly this didn't settle Scott down like her words usually did.
"Then maybe you'd like to explain what he was doing shaking hands with Maximoff right outside our own gates yesterday afternoon." Jean's eyes widened, her mind already spinning, coming up with new explanations and hypotheses to explain it. Having her knowledge of the inner workings of both minds involved there was only one explanation.
"Oh God Scott, Pietro's going to tell Paul about Kurt! He's going to try and break up their friendship. We need to go after them." She immediately ran to find one of the older members of the X-men and behind her, to Scott's credit, she heard him move without hesitation to gather the others. If Pietro got to Paul first things wouldn't be good. She knew Kurt was more attached to Paul than he realised, if Paul hated him for the same things he'd been hated all his life… She didn't even want to think of the consequences.
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Paul stood waiting in the park. The guy, Pietro, told him to wait here at exactly nine o'clock, so here he was. Pietro however was nowhere in sight. Each second that ticked by he was closer and closer to calling it a prank and heading home. He checked his watch for like the umpteenth time, 9:07. The second it hit 9:10 he was gone. Then a gust of wind barrelled into him from behind and he turned around to find a grinning Pietro Maximoff standing there.
"HeyaPaulsoyouactuallyturneduphuh?" The sentence was said so fast Paul almost missed it. It took him about 10 seconds to decode the sentence in his mind and get his mouth around a reply.
"Yeah Maximoff, now what's this information you said you had? I'm not here to hang out with you. I only came because I want to know why Kurt freaks out around me so much." The white haired teen laughed in a superior way that instantly got on Paul's nerves.
"Fine. Let's get down to it then." He reached behind him into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of what looked like photos.
"You know anything about mutants?" Paul hesitated for a split second as he glanced around the park and thought about his answer but eventually shook his head no.
"Mutants are the next evolutionary step from humans. Superior, better in every way. You," And here he jabbed a pointed finger into Paul's chest, "are just a normal guy."
"Are you saying Kurt isn't? That he's one of these mutants?" This was all too far fetched for belief, Kurt was a bout as normal as you got, except for the touching thing, and as far as he'd seen since he'd started at the school, Pietro had never been anywhere near Kurt. Even as he thought that though, something was started to tug at the back of his mind.
"Oh Wagner isn't just a mutant, he's a total freak. A demonic vampire, care to see?"
And with that he hurled the photos down on the park bench. Paul couldn't stop himself from reaching out and picking them up. He had to know the truth. Was there something here that explained why Kurt wouldn't let him touch him? The photos showed a group of teenage kids in weird outfits fighting each other, most of them looked perfectly normal, but in the foreground was someone who clearly wasn't. He could see the resemblance instantly, but it was like looking at someone through a funhouse mirror. As though someone you knew and were familiar with had been distorted and changed to provide a new image that, while still looking like someone familiar, was now also utterly different.
The Kurt in the photo was covered in what looked like blue fur with even darker blue hair and golden yellow eyes. The picture had caught him in what was unmistakably a snarl and glistening fangs could be clearly seen. His hands had only three fingers and his feet consisted of only two toes, the rest of his foot vastly extended from the ankle, making him look like he was balancing on the balls of his feet and then turned completely around, a joint that appeared far more mobile than it should be. Finally, waving behind the picture Kurt was what looked like a very agile tail, pointed at the end like a spear. As he stared at the picture for longer and longer he could almost hear the mental clicks going off in his mind as he added the small bits of information together.
Kurt always using his hands as though they were 3 fingers rather than 5.
Kurt always wearing flared pants - rain, hail or shine.
His absolute insistence on not being touched.
Paul's breath came in shallow stunned pants as he looked through the stack of images. Each was pretty much the same, showing this other Kurt doing all sorts of things, even hanging upside down in one of them.
"This is fake!" His eyes pleaded with the other boy to tell him exactly that. "You made all this up just to have fun with me didn't you?" But even as he said it he knew the other boy wasn't going to tell him anything of the sort. Indeed the other boy burst out laughing and just shook his head.
"You don't even believe that yourself do you? I can see it in your eyes, too many things add up don't they. How can you let people touch you when you're covered in hideous fur? How can you wear normal pants when your legs aren't normal? Or shake hands with someone when you only have three fingers? This is the real Kurt Wagner, a hideous deformed freak. The Kurt Wagner you know is just a front, one he hides behind so no one will know what he is." Paul was almost hyperventilating, already thinking of the consequences waiting for him at home if other people found out about this, and he collapsed onto the bench. He heard a whisper of movement behind him and then felt the gentle ghost of breath across his cheek and lips against his ear.
"Look at him, the fangs, the ears, the fur, the hands and feet. He's a monster." Paul could hear the triumphant smirk in the whispered words but before he had a chance to think of a response there came the sound of someone calling for him. Recognising the voice he yanked himself off the bench and away from Maximoff, but the other boy had vanished.
"Paul? Vhere are you? I know you are here somevhere." Then he was right there in front of him, looking just like a normal person.
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Kurt had been searching the park for almost five minutes when he finally stumbled across Paul. The blonde was standing near a park bench, a stunned and panicked look on his face.
"Paul? Vhat is wrong?" When Paul looked up at him Kurt was staggered to see that look of horror directed at him. Images from his past flashed by before his eyes. Angry villages wearing that same look as they chased him down, children wearing that look as they hurled stones at him, parents wearing that look as they hugged their babies closer.
"Is it true Kurt? Is that what you truly are? A demon? What's going on? How is this possible?" Kurt looked down at where Paul was pointing and saw the photographs strewn over the ground where Paul had obviously dropped them.
"Oh Mein Gott!" The strangled, choked off sound was somewhere between a shocked exclamation and a panicked cry.
'It's a Demon Kill it!'
'Get the freak it's come for your children!'
'It's a creature from the underworld, God demands that we send it back!'
Flashes of Fire flew before him. He could almost feel the rope burn around his wrists. The heat from the flames was still scorching his legs, burning the delicate fur, the smell filling his nostrils. He had to get away, but he couldn't port, he hadn't known how then, and now he couldn't remember. Paul's face faded away before him as the memories rose up. He saw the other boy close on him but in his mind all he saw was the village priest, cross extended in front and bible open in the other hand. He fell backwards as he desperately tried to escape, back-pedalling through the dirt with desperate moves, his normally nimble and agile body suddenly stricken with un-coordination. Pious religious chanting surrounded him to the exclusion of all else.
"Please, don't hurt me!" The face above him seemed to suddenly flash and Kurt saw Paul looking down at him again, and for some reason it made him feel even worse. He stumbled back to his feet and without looking back fled in the direction of the mansion. He heard a cry behind him but in his mind it was the roar of the townspeople, he had to get away. Shadows and phantoms chased him through the trees and converged on him from all directions. He plowed through them heedlessly and didn't even see the other X-men as he pushed roughly through them and bolted down the street.
End Chapter 4