A/N:

Okay, kids. This is a long one. Some mush, little schmexy but probably safe to read around the kiddies (not to them, of course). Smut ensues full force in chapters 5, 6, 7, 8... shit, just trust me on this one, k?

As always, Bella and Edward are not mine… and I cry about it at night. Copyright infringement is not intended. Thanks to my Twilighted beta vjgm and to all of you for your reviews and support. Enjoy and, as always, let me know what you think.

BPOV

Down the hall, behind Alice's closed door, I attempt to catch my breath.

Shit! What have I gotten myself into?

Okay, so maybe I didn't think this out as thoroughly as I should have.

I thought we could have a mutually-satisfying arrangement in which we would "scratch our mutual itches," so to speak.

But now, long-forgotten feelings are starting to bubble to the surface and I am conflicted.

I went to Edward's room, expecting to get my rocks off, and I did… but not like this.

Not like this…

I pull my clothes on quickly, knowing that Alice could make her way upstairs any minute. I am lucky Alice drank so much wine earlier; hopefully she won't wake up any time soon. I would hate for her to walk in on me half-naked in her bedroom looking as if I had been thoroughly fucked.

Which I was... but that's not the point.

The point is that our... 'arrangement'... is no longer working out the way I intended.

And this needs to be fixed... fast.

So we have a history…. Not much of a romantic one, but a history nonetheless. When we met, he was in a bad place. Alice told me about his mom and how he spent a lot of time holed up in his room. He wouldn't even speak to me. So, I decided to introduce myself one day. I gave him my favorite moonstone, hoping that it would make him whole again... and it did. He became a kid again and I gained a friend.

That moonstone became a symbol of our bond to one another. We always knew when the other needed its healing power. I remember when my golden retriever Dusty died. I cried for a week and refused to see my friends. Edward came to the house and sat by my bedroom door, trying desperately to convince me to leave my bed. After a while, Edward gave up... but before he walked away, I heard an object skid across my bedroom floor. Sure enough, Edward brought the moonstone back to me. He knew I needed it. I was able to catch him before he left and we spent the rest of the afternoon sharing Dusty stories and crying happy tears onto the dog tags my friend left behind.

After a while, we didn't need the moonstone to quell our fears or dry our tears. He became my human moonstone... and I became his. We supported each other when no one else understood our troubles. Edward always had a rough time around the anniversary of his mother's death and I missed my dad terribly. We offered each other emotional support and nothing more.

That's not to say that I didn't think about more with Edward. In fact, I had the biggest crush on him in high school. No one knew about it - not even Alice. There were many sleepovers at Alice's room where I would dream about the boy down the hall and how his lips would feel against mine... how his tongue would feel entangled with mine... how his scent would surround me and his hands would caress me as he entered me for the first time. In my dreams, Edward was my first boyfriend, my first French kiss, and the boy who would take my virginity. In reality, other boys were given those honors. But at night, as my body writhed under my satiny sheets, the Edward of my dreams did naughty things to me. The hands that palmed my breasts were not my own; it was always Edward who caressed me so reverently. It was his nails that raked along the inside of my legs, making me want for his cock to touch me deep inside. It was his fingers that plunged into my core and massaged my g-spot. It was his left hand that held my pussy lips open wide as his other hand strummed my clit until I came. As my moonstone, Edward held me close and always told me that everything was going to be okay; Edward of the night would worship my body as if it was the finest of lace and make me cum without asking for anything in return.

If only dreams could come true...

Romance in high school was never in the cards for us. Edward had his pick of the prettiest girls in school and I... well, let's just say I didn't fall into the "pretty girl" category. All of the girls at school wanted a piece of Edward Cullen and I was no exception. He had no idea what thoughts were running through my mind whenever I saw him running at a track meet or sprawled out on his living room couch.

As if it would matter if he did. I was just a little sister to him, not girlfriend material.

As far as our friends were concerned, Edward was my best friend's brother and nothing more. We traveled in different circles in high school, so we were never seen together. I would see him in passing in the hallways or casually say 'hi' whenever I went to study hall to work with Alice. Yet despite the distance time and puberty put between us, we had a knack for knowing when the other needed a moonstone... either the physical stone we shared between us or each other's support in spirit. He would show up at my door with our moonstone in hand or I would place it on top of one of the many pillows on his bed. Even though our one-on-one time was minimal, just having his moonstone back in my hands was enough to get me through. That's how it worked; that's how we worked. And even though I didn't have as much of Edward as I wanted, I was happy with the piece of him I had.

When Edward graduated from Forks High and decided to attend college on the East Coast, I took it kinda hard. I did get a chance to see him right before he left for school. I know I said and did some things that I regretted at the time but, both then and now, I knew it was for the best.

Five years earlier….

Edward's door was slightly ajar, artificial light streaming into the hallway.

I don't know if I can do this…

I hesitantly approached his door. It's been a while since we talked; we lost touch over the years. But I couldn't watch him leave without saying 'goodbye'.

Well, here goes nothing….

Three quick knocks. Maybe he didn't hear-

"Come in."

I pushed the door open slowly, surprised to see Edward lying prone on the mattress. His right knee was carelessly bent and propped up against the wall, his left forearm shielding his eyes from the lamp light.

"Edward? What are you doing up here? You're missing the party….your graduation party, to be exact."

Edward lifted his forearm from his face and turned his head towards my voice, seemingly surprised to hear my voice. "Bella? What are you doing up here?" He rubbed his eyes, as if I had awoken him.

Sheepishly, I reply, "Alice…. she, uh… sent me looking for you, and I didn't see you downstairs." I pointed my thumb toward the door behind me. "I just saw your light, and your door, um…"

"It's okay, really," he laughed. "I just needed to clear my head for a bit. It got a little claustrophobic down there."

"Yeah, I can sympathize."

I had been to his room many times but I haven't seen it up close and personal since we were kids. I made my way around the room curiously, taking notice of things that have changed over the years. Running my fingers along the door frame, I could feel the notches where we marked how tall we were at the beginning of every school year. Alice, Edward, and I spent a lot of time in his room – it was the biggest, after all. Most of the time we were invited; other times, when he was acting like the bratty brother, we might go in on a "rescue mission" to retrieve Alice's stolen dolls. A lot of memories, a lot to remember…..

Looking around, I noticed that the tone of the room has changed. When Edward finally warmed up to the Cullens, he was your average ten-year-old. As a child, his walls were littered with colorful cartoon characters and "accidental" artistic expressions drawn in permanent marker; the walls have since been painted beige and their emptiness was a sharp contrast to their childhood exuberance.

Next to the door, underneath the light switch, used to sit a toy chest, home to his G.I. Joes and an impressive Hot Wheels collection. I would use his toy chest as a stepping stool, giving me easier access to his light switch when I was pretending not to be afraid of the dark. Ms. Esme had this beautiful wooden rocking chair in the corner of the room, next to it a bookcase filled with our favorite books. I remember when I used to read while rocking myself in the chair as Edward practiced on his electronic keyboard. Now, the toy chest and the rocking chair have been replaced with a computer desk, littered with books, old homework (presumably), and CD cases. On its top shelf sat a computer lamp, craning its neck to cast the room in angular shadows and light.

The bookcase was still there, but the collection of books has changed. Instead of Goodnight, Moon and Peter Rabbit, Dante and Ovid now graced its shelves. Above his bookcase sat a window, from which Edward would yell at Alice and me as we played in the backyard without him.

His childhood twin bed used to sit along the wall opposite the door; his blue Transformers comforter was his favorite blanket. Over the years, he must have traded his twin for a queen to accommodate his growing frame. Transformers were traded for a solid black duvet with beige trim, a slatted cherrywood headboard sharply contrasts the stark beige wall. Two windows graced this wall, but the daylight I typically saw through their blinds was not due for another four or five hours.

I walked over to his electronic keyboard, sitting diagonally in a corner typically hidden behind his bedroom door. Yep, it's the same 61-key Casio that I remembered, but the baby grand in the formal sitting area downstairs got more use as of late. Even his repertoire changed; instead of the "Chopsticks" and "Heart & Soul" of his youth, he played moody self-authored pieces and covers of Mozart's greatest hits.

Young Edward was full of life – vibrant, spontaneous, crafty, playful. This Edward was different – older, broodier, introverted, secular.

I reached out to touch the keys –

"So now you wanna learn?"

I jumped and spun around in shock. His voice was a little too loud, a little too close. Edward stood behind me as I admired his keyboard, smirking at my fright.

I smirked back at him. "Yeah… but my teacher is leaving, so I guess I'm shit out of luck."

As I turn my attention back to the keyboard, I hear another chuckle escape his lips. "I guess so." You could hear the smile in his voice. It was comforting.

His voice interrupts my lame attempt at music-making. "I heard about Jake…. I'm sorry."

Oh yeah. Jake. "No, Edward. It's OK, really," waving him off. I didn't need to think about him right now.

What did I come up here for anyway?

"But you two were together for awhile. I thought you two were –"

Shit.

I turn to him, my eyes pleading for him to stop. "Can we not talk about Jake right now? Please?"

I think I scared him off. "Uh, yeah…" He turned his back to me, walking towards his bed.

Damn. First, I intrude on his 'alone time'. Now, I've hurt his feelings.

Apologize, Bella…

I unclenched my shoulders and let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

He looked up from his perch on the bed and eyed me curiously. "For what? I'm the one who brought it up. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, Edward. You were just being thoughtful and I snapped at you. You don't deserve that."

"No apology necessary." He waved his open palm over his bed, offering a truce. I took a seat next to him, still contemplating my broken relationship.

We sat in silence, still a little uncomfortable. All my fault, of course. This might be my last moments with Edward before he leaves for school and I don't know what to say to him.

"So, Edward...looking forward to half-naked college girls?"

Good one, Bella…. Real smooth…..

He laughed at my off-the-wall comment. "That's only in the movies, Bella. College is not like that... well, at least Dartmouth isn't like that..."

I crossed my arms across my chest, rolling my eyes at his asinine comment. "Oh, give me a break. There are tons of cute girls there, right?"

"Yeah..." he replied, nodding along with my train of thought.

"And a whole bunch of horny guys like yourself..."

He raised his hands in a defensive posture. "Hey, I take offense to that-"

I chuckled again. "Only because you know it's true."

Edward relented with a smile, of course. He knew I was right. "Well, okay... BUT I'll be on my best behavior my first semester. Gotta keep my grades up if I want to go to med school."

My eyebrows raised in shock and awe. "Med school, huh? Is that why you played doctor with Jessica Stanley on a regular basis?"

"She needed continual follow-up care," he smirked in my direction.

"I bet she did..."

I missed this... the two of us, going back and forth with silly banter to see who would crack first. It was hard enough when high school games impacted our relationship, but now? He's going to be 3,000 miles away - no more play fighting, no more emotional talks, no more moonstone. And with all of the people he'll meet at Dartmouth, he won't need little ol' Bella anymore.

"Uh, Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Alice? Party? Downstairs?"

"But I don't wanna go back down yet...," he whined. I hated it when he whined.

I stood and made my way to the door. "C'mon, Edward. This is for your sister and the rest of your family. It's a big deal for them, too, you know..." I turned to see if he was following me but he remained rooted in his spot on the bed.

I leaned back on the door, still clutching the door knob in my hand, tapping my foot impatiently.

With a resigned slouch of his shoulders, he walked towards me. "Fine," he huffed, "but can we spend a few more minutes up here? I'm not ready to go back down yet." His hand reached out and grabbed the hand at my side. He was so close and his gaze was so intense that I couldn't look away. "Stay with me?"

I was speechless. My jaw dropped slightly at his unexpected request. How could I say 'no' to that?

I can't...

Of course I relented. "Well... maybe a few more minutes..." He smiled as he pulled me back toward his bed. "But," I stated pointedly, "you're not getting out of this party, Edward. Don't try to keep me up here all night."

Please keep me up here all night... please keep me up here all night...

He crossed his heart with his index finger. "I'll be on my best behavior," he smirked.

Damn...

So we talked. A lot. Most of the time, we bullshitted about life and stupid things that were going on. I told Edward about what happened with Jake ("the fucker cheated on me, fuck 'em both"), my mom's latest additions to her healing stone collection ("she's into amazonite now… it makes all of your dreams come true"), and what my plans were for college next year ("I want to stay close to Renee, so I'll probably go to U-Dub"). I asked him more about Dartmouth. I found out about what his major would be ("neurology and physiology, pretty hard core"), where he was going to live ("freshman dorms…it's a rite of passage"), and when he'd be home to visit ("maybe not until Thanksgiving, hopefully sooner").

When I asked Edward what he would miss most about Forks, his answer blew me away.

We were still sitting on his bed, our backs against the wall and our knees pulled up to our chests. I rested my head on my crossed arms as they lay atop my kneecaps, my eyes staring intently at Edward's frame. Edward's arms were crossed like mine but his head was tilted back, his eyes to the ceiling as he collected his thoughts. It took him a while to answer. I waited patiently for his response.

"You know, when I first came here, I tried my damnedest not to like it here. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be back at home, in my room, on my bed, as if nothing had changed. But it did. My mom was gone. There was no one in Chicago to take care of me. So the Cullens brought me here… and I hated it. There is a part of me that still does after all of these years."

His voice deepened as the emotions and memories came flooding back, the pain evident in his face. His Adam's apple bobbed as he took another breath before he spoke again.

"When I think about my time here in Forks, there are many things that I am more than willing to forget. The whole transition here, being 'the new kid' all of a sudden, trying to fit in with a crowd I didn't really belong in…. and casting aside the people who really cared about me."

I couldn't bear to listen as he recounted his early time in Forks. I rested my forehead on my hands and closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry for him, not to cry for the boy who lost his childhood or the boy who tried way too hard to fit in. He was my friend then, more than the confessionals we had become to one another over time. He was still in pain. He still needed me and I deserted him. I missed my friend… and it looks like I missed my opportunity to help him.

Edward began again. "But…Bella?" I could feel the warmth of his touch as he tried to pull my left hand into his lap. I turned my body to face him, leaning my knees to the side. I rested my head against the wall, hard and cool to the touch.

"What you did back then meant a lot to me, you know..."

I turned to see him staring intently at me and I couldn't help but smile. "Well, you've been there for me, too, so I guess you returned the favor."

Edward smiled in return. "Yeah, I guess I have."

I grabbed one of Edward's bed pillows and pulled it onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around it and clutched it to my chest like a life preserver. I buried my forehead into the pillow's edge as I tried to think of something to say. After a while, I just blurted out the one thought that kept running through my mind.

"Imgonnamissyou..."

"What was that?" I felt Edward's hand on my knee as he leaned in closer to me. I took another deep breath and told him again, just a tad bit louder this time.

"Imgonnamissyou..."

"You're getting Moo Shu? I love Moo Shu Pork. Can I have some?"

Always the jokester...

I playfully shoved him away from me, watching as he fell on his side with a smile on his face. The pillow fell unceremoniously onto the floor. At that point, I didn't care. He was joking with me and I felt normal again. I laughed at his stupid joke. He laughed at my worthless shove.

"No, dumbass! I'm gonna miss you, okay?"

Edward sat up again and his eyes met mine. The laughter died in his throat but his beautiful smile remained. He grabbed my left hand and wrapped it in both of his. Looking down at our hands, I almost didn't hear his reply.

"I'm gonna miss you, too, Bells."

I didn't want to take my eyes off of our intertwined hands, but I chanced a glance in his direction. My eyes met his once again and I matched his beautiful smile with one of my own. Still feeling a little self-conscious, my gaze fell on our hands once again.

"How am I going to get on with my life without my moonstone around?" I asked.

"Guess you'll have to find a replacement."

I grabbed another pillow from his bed and threw it at him, aiming square for his chest. "You are such a jerk."

A sly smirk crossed his face. "I'm not denying it."

We shared a couple of laughs. I'm glad we lightened the mood.

Edward grew serious again. "Seriously, Bella... I'm not going anywhere. I mean, I am going away but I am not leaving my moonstone behind." He released my hand and walked over to the carryon bag sitting on top of his desk chair. He rifled through its pockets for a few moments and then returned to his seat next to me. He extended his right palm to me and, nestled in his hand, was our moonstone.

"See, Bella? You'll always be with me."

His eyes met mine as his words sunk in.

You'll always be with me.

I plucked the stone from his palm and rubbed it as I always did, nestling my thumb in its groove. I smiled at the familiar sensation. "It's funny, Edward. This small stone... it's so tiny... but powerful at the same time."

I admired the stone, thanking it for the strength it gave us when we had lost our own. I guess my mom was right about its power all along.

His gaze returned to the stone in my hand. He tried to remove it from my grasp but we played a gentle 'tug of war' before I let him have it back. He began rubbing the stone, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

"So, if you take the worry stone with you, then what am I going to do when I need it?" I asked.

"Well, you do have a moonstone of your own, remember?" His eyes flickered to the moon and star pendant that sat in the hollow of my neck.

Edward reached for my pendant, leaning in to get a better look. I leaned forward to give him better access. His warm fingers grazed my neck as he cradled the pendant and its three healing stones in his open palm.

"'Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you'll land among the stars,'" he quoted wistfully.*

I looked down at the pendant and the strong hand that held it. "But it's my stone, not our stone. It's not the same."

Edward's eyes locked with mine and I could not pull myself away.

"But it can be. Shoot for this moon," nodding toward my pendant, "and think of me."

After a few beats, I burst into hysterical laughter. "Edward? That was one of the cheesiest things I have ever heard you say."

He joined in my laughter. "C'mon, Bells. You know you liked it."

After we calmed down a bit, I took the pendant from his hand and held it in my fist, closing my eyes and reflecting on all of the times Edward helped me.

I could feel him leaning in closer, the head radiating off of his body in waves. I could smell his cologne and it was making me dizzy – not because he put on too much, mind you, but I was enveloped by his scent and it made me weak.

I felt his warm breath on my left ear and I almost stopped breathing.

"Is it working?" Edward spoke in barely a whisper.

I jolted slightly at his proximity and the gravelly sound of his voice. In true Bella fashion, our noses collided. We both squealed in pain and tried to laugh it off.

But when I opened my eyes, the laughter died in our throats. He was too close and too damn intoxicating to pull myself away.

Something was working, alright, but I wasn't sure if it was the pendant or the boy who gave it meaning again.

I felt Edward's nose purposefully brush gently against mine, as if to soothe the pain away. I returned the gesture, rubbing my nose against his in an Eskimo's kiss. When I saw his eyes drift closed, I wondered if he was going to kiss me for real…

I didn't have to wonder for long.

He leaned in further and his lips gently brushed against mine. My eyes drifted closed at the unfamiliar sensation. Our noses continued to rub against each other gently as he leaned in again for another soft kiss. His left hand reached up to cradle my face, his thumb softly tracing the curve of my cheekbone. My lips parted and I let out the breath I had been holding. He took advantage of my open mouth and went straight for my top lip, licking and sucking on it as if his life depended on it.

At that point, I couldn't help but kiss him back.

After all of these years – all of our heartfelt talks, distance we put between ourselves as of late, and the intense feelings I have had for him - Edward Cullen was kissing me... and it was even better than I had ever imagined it. His lips, smooth and wet, glided against mine effortlessly as if they were meant to kiss mine and mine alone. His delicate eyelashes brushed against my cheeks as he searched for a better angle. His hands – oh God, his hands – seemed to cradle my face and tangle in my hair all at once. Reluctant to be a passive participant, I threw myself wholeheartedly into his kiss and relished in the feeling of his lips against mine.

Despite how wonderful he felt and how long I had wanted it to happen, I knew his kiss was meaningless. He didn't care about me in the same way I cared about him. Edward was leaving and the concept of 'us' was never meant to be. This was just his emotions getting the better of him – nothing more.

Reluctantly, I pushed him away and abruptly ended the kiss. His eyes shot open and I could see the confusion on his face, his swollen lips begging to resume our kiss. He was breathless; so was I. And, God, did I want to kiss him again…

He leaned in again and I put my hands to his chest again, stopping him from coming any closer. I lowered my head. I couldn't bear to see him like this.

"Bella, what is it?"

I took a deep breath and, when I finally built up my resolve, I looked him square in the eye and told him how I felt.

"Edward, you don't want this."

"What are you talking about? I wanted to kiss you. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to….and I still do." His hand reached for my cheek once again but I turned my body and pushed myself off the bed before he could make contact.

"Stop trying to kid yourself, Edward. You didn't kiss me because you had feelings for me. You kissed me because 'poor little Bella' was upset about you leaving so you wanted to give her something to remember you by."

I began walking towards the door. I heard the telltale squeak of the bedsprings as he stood. I was not going to turn around and face him because I knew I would lose my resolve.

When he reached me, he grabbed my hand and pulled me around to face him. "And what's so wrong with that?"

He's fucking clueless….

"Everything," I told him, my voice starting to crack. "You have no idea, do you?"

"No idea about what, Bella?"

I shook my head in disbelief as the first tears started to fall. "I can't do this right now. Not like this."

I started to walk away again but Edward refused to release my hand. When I turned back to confront him, he began to pull me toward him and I knew he was going to kiss me in an attempt to make me stay.

Again, a meaningless kiss for him…but his kiss meant the world to me.

I was not going to let him control me like that.

"Bella, stay," he pleaded breathlessly.

Not now. Not tonight. Not when my heart was already broken. Not when he's leaving for good. Don't do this to me, Edward.

"Um…." I stammered. I was still in shock. "I have to go." I had to get out of here.

I could hear Edward yelling for me to wait as I shut the door behind me.

I found Alice downstairs and hugged her in apology. "Gotta get home. I'll explain later." Alice, perplexed, just nodded her head and followed my exiting form with her eyes.

I ran the whole way home, refusing to cry until I was safe behind my bedroom door. We were never together, so it shouldn't have hurt so much… but it did.

That was the last time I saw Edward Masen Cullen.

He left for Dartmouth and I never heard from him during his whole time there. At first, I was upset because I thought we were friends and friendship trumped any other issues we may have had. And then I remembered – he was in college, he had the moonstone and a whole new set of friends, and he didn't need me anymore. It took me a few months to accept that, but eventually I did and I moved on.

Five years later, he came home. And I felt absolutely nothing for him. I was over Edward Cullen. We were back to the way things were when we were kids. Passing acquaintances. Cordial 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'. Small talk. Completely superficial. Nothing serious… and that was okay by me. But there was something about him that still drew me to him. Even though I closed my heart off to him, my body still wanted him - and I was going to have him.

But I refused to let him break my heart again.

I decided to make my way back to the living room, reclaiming my spot on the couch. I try to be as quiet as possible, but Alice must have heard me creeping in.

"Bella," she croons, "is that you?"

"Yes, it's me. Just had to use the bathroom."

"Okay…. G'night." I hear her yawn once but, after a few moments, I am greeted by the quiet night once more.

This situation is worse than I thought. Old feelings are starting to creep up on me and I cannot let that get in the way of what I want. I want his body and that is all.

Time to take a deep breath, Isabella Swan, and get yourself together.

Know where you stand.

Put Edward in his place.

And, above all else, don't let him break your heart again.

* 'Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you'll land among the stars.' - Les Brown

Don't beat me up too bad, kiddies... this is going to be an all-out smutfest for the next few chapters…

STAY TUNED!