Early days

Part 4

Spock's point of view:

Spock realized he was fidgeting with the pen. He immediately stopped himself before any one would see it. He put the pen down and folded his hands. The chair he sat in was comfortable and conveniently in a quiet corner of the instructors lounge. There really was no reason to fidget…

He stood up and walked over to the window and looked out on the beautiful campus-area. An elderly lady had been watching him for some minutes now. He was aware of this, but as he was very familiar with this individual he didn't mind. It was the soon-to-be-retired instructor Ms. Dalton, professor in diplomatic relations.

She called out to him. "Spock, why don't you come over here and sit down? You look like you've got ants in your pants…" he raised his eyebrows and allowed the hint of a smile to show in his face. Ms Dalton was a master of colloquialism, and he knew she always enjoyed torturing him with various Earth-sayings. He walked over to her and sat down in the lounge chair.

"Ms Dalton, I trust you are well today?" he refused to react on her Apocrita in his attire-comment, and he saw her eyes crinkle up in silent laughter.

"Oh, very well, thank you." She replied. "This years' classes are up and running after the summer break and I think they should all do reasonable well when we come to the final exams. How's your group coming along?" Ms Dalton and he often discussed their subject with each other as it wasn't unusual that their subjects overlapped.

She hadn't expected his sudden silence though. The elderly lady waited while Spock seemed to carefully choose his answer. "It is progressing averagely better than it has before. I should say that the remaining cadets will all graduate with excellent marks." He fell silent again.

"That's great Spock. You have five people attending your class this year. That's certainly better that what you have had before. Have you changed anything in your method?" She expected him to give her a small seminar in how to teach, but again was surprised by his unwillingness to talk about it. "Spock. Are you feeling alright?" she asked now concerned.

Spock realized that he had been mentally absent from some of the conversation. "No… Perhaps you are right Ms. Dalton. Maybe I should retire for the day and get some rest…" He stood up and caught her eyes. She smiled at him. Then he turned and walked out and headed for his apartment. He could allow himself an early day, and he felt a great need to centre himself through meditation.

At home in his apartment he dimmed the lights and changed to his meditation clothes. He positioned himself at the mat and started his breathing-exercises, which allowed his thoughts to focus. He was most concerned about the inexplicable restlessness he had experienced lately. Reason stated that it could not be caused by his workload as it been considerably easier for him to teach now that Ms. Uhura was involved in the actual teaching.

That brought him to meditate on the subject of Ms Uhura… Nyota… He appreciated the help, as it was still incomprehensible to him why humans would waste energy in getting angry every time he pointed out a mistake. In his culture it was customary to thank the teacher for finding errors and then correct the mistake.

Spock sank deeper into meditation. His whole body relaxed and it was almost impossible to see if he was breathing at all.

His thoughts kept returning to how she had pointed out where he was going wrong and how much the result of the cadets' work improved after he started praising them right after correcting them. They had been surprised at first but it had been obvious that the new relaxed method had worked. Why Humans needed to have the obvious pointed out, was beyond him. This year as a consequence of this advice helping, he had started having Nyota help directly in class.

To improve efficiency he had also started informing her of the teaching schedule, to allow her to prepare. He had invited her to his office several times to discuss how to best convey the subject at hand to the student and in his opinion it was evident that her suggestions was what made the class respond so well to the subject.

One day when they had stayed in the office to long and it was later than usual, she asked him if he would like to have dinner in a small café in the city. He sensed that she were suddenly nervous but ascribed it to the fact that it was unusual to be this informal with an instructor. It was a nice dinner at the café and they both relaxed and talked with ease of their lives and hopes of the future.

He remembered especially how she told him of her family back home and how they used to tease her with how easily she learned everything and particularly languages. He almost smiled in recollection of how she got the nickname parrot kidogo, little parrot, and how she looked remembering this. This introperspective look that told him that, mentally, she was many miles away.

He, in return, told her some of his anecdotes from his childhood and youth. Her eyes had shone with fascination, and he had discovered that he rather enjoyed being the centre of her attention.

Spocks concentration faltered for a second as he remembered her dark eyes and expressive face. She had seemed so intrigued when he had spoke of his home planet and how his young pet-sehlat had stolen every shoe in the house, and his mother had had a somewhat disproportionate emotional reaction as a response. When she giggled over the stories he was relaying to her, he had felt a satisfaction and a warmth inside. He did not often experience that humans found him humorous and he had relished that feeling. As a result the dinner had been prolonged and when at last he realized how late it was he paid the bill and escorted her outside.

When they walked back he noticed that she had grown silent and he remembered how he thought that it was fascinating that she walked closer to him than necessary because she were cold, but at the same time seemed to walk slower. He had of course expressed regret that he had no extra garment he could offer her to keep her warm, and noticed how somehow she had seemed to find that slightly amusing.

There were a moment when she got really close to him (because of the cold) and sent him a look he had yet to decipher (Annoyance? Amusement?) when he insisted that if she were that cold they better return to the dorm at once.

But the recollection of her mediate proximity stayed with him. He could quite precisely visualize how her eyes looked and how his heart rate seemed to increase when he felt her breath on his skin, and how for a moment he felt a great pull towards her like she had activated some strange tractor beam. And that it was only the thought of the fact that she was a cadet and he her instructor that made him come to his senses.

He also had difficulties finding the logic behind the emotion of regret and frustration he experienced when she walked away from him and into her dorm. It was like he suddenly had a wild animal inside craving too grab her and keep her for him self…

Spock almost balked at the ferocity of these emotions. He steadied himself, recognized the feelings and gently let go of them. Let the energy of it fade away in to the universe.

Without doubt here was a clue to the uneasiness he had been struggling with. He tried to find the origin of these feelings and it occurred to him that they first appeared that day in his office.

He remembered that he was coming out of meditation and she was there. With her long legs, and the graceful swanlike neck. He remembered how she looked flustered and confused. He had experienced that sort of thing from others, but he had never been so relaxed in that situation before, as he had been with Nyota. Spock felt a sudden heat in his body; this was new to him… He had liked how she had reacted to him, subtle as it may have been…

He admitted to him self that he took to long that day to put his barriers up and that he might have shown her too much. But strangely it didn't bother him that she got to see more than others usually did... It reminded him slightly of the urges of Pon farr but this was different, in some ways more urgent.

A thought hit him. The human in him, the man, was attracted to a woman. He almost shook himself out of meditation again. He had never thought to expect his human side to claim this side of his nature. He had always first and formerly thought of himself as a Vulcan, and tried to forget that there was a human half which had been sleeping for so long. And now that side had surfaced and apparently wanted to be heard.

Spock frowned in his meditation. This would not do. Perhaps there was some urges that he had not counted on, but to give into them would be unheard of. Also there was the aspect that he could be in severe violation with Academy-rules. The rules clearly stated that a cadet and an instructor were not permitted to have physical relations. The fact that she was, as good as, functioning as a TA in his class did not change anything.

He breathed in deeply and allowed the Vulcan in him to take complete control. The Vulcan in him would dominate the human side with the logic of circumstances, and that would be the end of that.

Somehow he was unable to concentrate on his meditation any more. He adjusted his breathing and his heart rate and slowly turned his attention to the outside world again. When he had finished putting up his usual mental barriers he stood and started to prepare for the next day when Nyota would come to his office to help organize next moths' lessons…