She couldn't breathe.
There was no science to it. She wasn't sick. She didn't have asthma. She never chokes up when she's nervous. But her eyes met his in the crowd when she stood up at the podium and she stopped being able to breathe.
Am I ever going to see you again, was her first thought. What was my speech, was a far off second.
A smile, a quick one to mask the sadness in her eyes.
Seven years, she begins, seven years and we are still waiting for our lives to begin. I remember the first time I… Her mouth keeps moving. Like someone put a spell on her to keep her in motion as her mind centers on him. He stares right at her. A smile. She can't breathe.
Congratulations. We made it! Her stare breaks away. She lets out a breath. Remus walks by her to say his speech. She smiles awkwardly and looks away.
The last time she spoke to James, he broke her heart.
It was the most gentle heartbreak she could have endured. It was noble. It was emotional and theatrical. It was so James.
After that, her relationship with Remus fizzled away. It became nonsense moments of hand holding and kisses on the cheek and hallow I love you's she could no longer believe in. It became her pretending to be someone she couldn't be without James.
The last time she spoke to Remus, she broke his heart.
She wasn't gentle. She wasn't noble. It was plain and selfish and ordinary. Instead of theatrics, she told him the truth. I love James. He walked away from her without a word.
Nights laughing with the Marauders ended. Days spent under tress studying with Remus slowly trickled away. She got reacquainted with friends she hadn't spoken to all year.
Broom races when quidditch wasn't being played. Tiptoeing to the kitchens. Sleepovers in the tower. The funniest Hogsmeade trips she could remember since sixth year. She had missed them.
And most of the time, she almost tricks herself into believing she's happy.
And then her eyes lock with his. Rare moments that allow them to feel the unspoken intimacy of their broken relationship. Moment lasting until the stronger of the two looks away and she remembers that she forgot how to live without him.
She hears a cheer in the crowd. She stands up. Walks off the stage and into the crowd to hug her friends. A goodbye. Until next time, she hears over and over again.
She feels his stare behind her. Her body tenses. Her throat closes in. She has to get away.
She runs. Her cap falls off just outside the great hall. She runs down winding staircases. Through darkened hallways until she reaches the big oak doors. She pushes, and she is free.
She runs until she reaches the waters edge and contemplates just drowning in the icy waters. Wonders if it hurts to be eaten alive by the giant squid. She falls backward and lies in the grass. Her shirt untucked. Her hair wild and free. She's a mess, inside and out.
She closes her eyes. Breathes in the summer air. Alone at last.
A laugh. Her eyes shoot open. Above her are his dizzy eyes and a smile. She sits up. Grass attached to her hair. Her robe falling off her shoulders.
What are you doing here, she asks as her heart begins to beat and she wonders if he can smell her nerves. Can he smell her love?
He sits down. Opens his mouth, but words don't come out. He lifts a hand and pulls a piece of grass out of her hair. Her eyes close at the touch.
I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. That wasn't what she wanted to hear.
No one leaves until tomorrow.
I'm leaving in a few minutes. My parents… She looks away. Fights back a tear as she tries to think of what to say. Anything but goodbye.
This feels so final, she settles for instead.
Lily, her name sounds beautiful rolling off his lips. She closes her eyes and basks in the sound. I've missed you, Lily.
I've missed you, too, she says pulling a blade of grass out of the ground. Pulling another and then another. He laughs,
Do you always do that?
Only around you, she smiles. James?
Yeah.
I don't want to say goodbye. If that's all you came here to say, I won't say it back.
He stays silent. Pulls some grass out of the ground just like her.
Then come with me. It was impulsive. It was whimsical. It was a dream.
Come where?
Anywhere, just come. A shake of her head. The darkening of emeralds into something less beautiful.
I can't just follow you. I can't just live your life. He opens his mouth to protest. To tell her it wouldn't be his life they're living. It would be theirs. But he closes his mouth, she's right. At least for now.
Promise me you'll write. James, promise me I'll have a letter by the end of the week.
I promise. No hesitation. No regret. It's the end of their childhood. The end of their innocence. But not of their love.
She wraps her arms around him. They cling to each other. He tilts his head on hers.
I love you, Lil, he whispers.
I love you, too.
A kiss. The last kiss as children. James is called from the distance. He kisses her one last time and then walks away.
They never utter goodbye.